confused & frustrated.....

cara1981

Hey ladies Ive posted on here once or twice before I love your advice and would love to get some more of your great & much appreciated advice...so here it goes sorry if long.  Me & bf have been together for 2.5 years in those years he wont move in w/ me cuz he doesnt believe in that and he still lives w/ his parents (im 28 & he is 27) at first it was ok but now its driving me crazy he wont even spend the night at my house unless his parents are out of town he dont want to disrespect them.  On top of that I have two great boys (8 & 4) that have gotten so close to him (they go to their dads all the time but are still close to bf) anyways I dont know what to do Im at a point in our relationship that something needs to happen Im ready for the next level for the GROWN UP level if you know what I mean and he still I guess doesnt know.  He takes marraige very seriously and I think thats awesome and respect that of him but I just feel like blah I dont know actually Im just lost I love him and sometimes I wander will it ever happen and then I think its going to happen soon?  I dont know what to do or say to him to get my point across Im always the one bringing up this subject.  I try not to bring it up all the time cuz i dont want to pressure or nag him.  I know how men are ya know.  Please any advice is much much appreciated......thanks ladies.

kmt_cas

From what you described, I'm wondering why you're still waiting around?  He only stays over when his parents are out of town?  Please.  That's ridiculous.  If he can't stand up to them now he never will.BTW, paragraphs make reading much easier.  It's hard to get through a long paragraph like that that isn't spell checked.

my2geldings

Even tho I'm sure he respects his parents, I'm sure it has more to do than a respect issue. There a lot of people out there that are old fashioned and follow the no pre-marital sex rule and I would be that's what he is following? if so it makes sense to me he won't spend the night over at your place. I think that's something you should continue to respect if thats what he chooses to do. You will keep his respect and trust towards you and your relationship will be a lot stronger for it.Now having said that, communication is the #1 key in a relationship so you need to sit down with him and explain to him what has been on your mind. Don't attempt this while he is in the middle of doing something else, make him sit and talk to him. He needs to know everything that is going thru your mind and he needs to understand where you want your relationship to be. He might not realize how serious of an issue this is.Good Luck, keep us posted.

redheadfsu

Wait, why does a 27 man still live with his parents? Does he have a full time job & responsibilities & friends? Has he ever lived alone? Is it just b/c it is hard economic times? (which is understandable for the short term)2.5 years & he won't spend the night unless mom & dad are gone? Is he in a scary religious cult?Now if there are reasonable answers to these questions... enjoy the relationship & calm down about marriage. The only thing that really scares me is the not staying overnight b/c of the parents. That's strange.

zitiqueen

She posted [url=http://community.thenest.com/cs/ks/forums/22141164/ShowThread.aspx#22141164]this same question[/url] (and ran) on the Nest too.

MamaKin

LEARN TO PUNCTUATE AND USE PARAGRAPHS.since i can barely read the rest of what you wrote...  this?  "I know how men are ya know"   is bullshit.  you know how men are?  JUST like women when they're in love and excited about being with someone.  if he wanted to marry you (or spend the night, for god sake) he would.  he's just not that into you. 

cdipaolo

I didn't have a problem reading your paragraph, I think those that commented on it were mean and rude. I think you need to have a serious talk with him, as another poster said, communication is important.

jeanacorina

I don't see how it's a post-and-run if it was like 12 hours ago. Some folks sleep and work. And don't sit around waiting for responses to their posts hitting the refresh button every 2 minutes.Anywho, I don't think you should worry so much about this guy not staying the night. You have kids. What sort of message does that send to them if this BF is staying the night all the time, and then you guys break up a year or two down the road? I mean, I guess some folks are okay with that, but personally I don't think I'd want to take the chance.I had a friend with a young daughter, and every new boyfriend became the next "daddy." They always stayed the night, she got attached to every one. Then mommy and "daddy #5" would break up, and it was really rough on her.Maybe your BF is thinking about your kids as well as his parents, and that's a very responsible thing. I mean, sure, 27 and living at home makes me think "weird," but in many cultures it's totally normal to live with your parents until you get married. American culture is one of the very few that pushes sons and daughters out of the nest at 18 (or soon after).It just seems like there's something funky going on, whether it's your discomfort with his choices (which is an issue in itself) or something else.Also-- punctuation. Paragraphs. Don't type like a 15-year-old using internet speak. You don't put off a "mature, educated woman" vibe, and that will automatically change the way people look at you and the advice you receive.

AnneAndJJ

K, what? The only punctuation in that entire run-on paragraph was question marks (and a few brackets)...oh, I just noticed about 2 periods. What exactly do you want in terms of advice? It sounds like you have a lack of communication going on in this relationship. Have you asked BF why he doesn't stay over? By 27, while it's nice he respects his parents, he should be a bit more independent. You need to ask him where he sees your relationship going, too, since that seems to be a grey area. And I, like a few PP's, am wondering why he still lives with his parents. Most people want independence by then, and have a job so they can support themselves.

notquiteblushing

Getting married does not make you grown up.  And dating someone who won't sleep over your house out of respect to his parents is not going to help either.

noelle24

First, PARAGRAPHS and PUNCTUATION are your friends.  Learn 'em, Love 'em, USE 'em.  Moving on, let me copy and paste my advice from your LAST thread about your immature BF, since not much seems to have changed: What I AM concerned about is the fact that you can't talk to your BF about your concerns, and instead have to ask strangers on the internet. It speaks volumes about how ready (or not) you BOTH are for marriage. My advice? Talk to him and tell him your concerns. Ask him where he sees things going, and what his timeline for things are. Decide for yourself how much longer you are willing to stay in the relationship without it moving forward, and then STICK to it.And why, oh WHY, would you want to marry a man that has never lived on his own and still lives with mommy and daddy at the age of 27? Even if you do drag him down the aisle eventually, he's going to expect YOU to fill the role of mommy because he's never learned to do a damn thing for himself.

traciecook

It's not pressure or nagging him to ask about your furture. Just sit down and have to conversation  "This is what I want, what do you want, etc". If he can't give you what you need or a compromise that you both agree to, then move on.As far as living with his parents, when I met my BF he lived at his parents too (he was 26). It was a big red flag for me, but we weren't dating seriously and it was just for fun. When it became more serious, he got a better job, went back to school and moved out. I think its fine that he lives a home as long as there is motivation to eventually move out. Why does he live a home? Financial reasons, cultural, illness, etc? This might help with the responses.

Button5807

This guy isn't ready to live on his own yet.This guy isn't ready to be in a relationship yet.This guy isn't ready to get married yet.This guy isn't ready to be a step-dad yet.Baby steps (top to bottom not the other way around), let him get his own life before you push yours on him.

MidnightRae

That he won't move in with you is not weird. There are people that believe they should not live with the opposite sex unless they are married. Why he is still at his parent's house? I don't know. Have you guys talked about marriage at all yet?Maybe he is not ready to be a step-father.

kkchisholm

Is he in a scary religious cult?That was extremely rude and disrespectful... imo

chosen175

So... you're upset because he doesn't want to spend the night and do GROWN UP things with you when your kids are gone? Wow. Although it's not the norm, there ARE some guys who are old-fashioned in their beliefs and don't want to do grown up things until their wedding night. If he has other traditional or old-fashioned habits/values in other areas of his life, I would think that this was the case and you need to leave him alone about the sex stuff.... it will only make you look desperate and whiny if you keep hounding him about it. Nagging a man to death is a surefire way to get him to leave and never look back. If he's NOT the type of person who leads an otherwise wholesome life, I would definitely sit down and talk to him.

cara1981

ok i never said he doesnt have sex w/ me OMG.....some of these ladies on here are so mean......sorry i ever asked for advice from people like you.

notquiteblushing

I think it's fairly clear they are having sex, just no sleepovers. Correct me if I'm wrong though.

Goldlie11

Being that you are having sex, I think the whole thing is strange. If you guys were not having sex, I could see the point. Maybe he would not want to be tempted.

MamaKin

some of these ladies on here are so mean......sorry i ever asked for advice from people like you. and in the OP:I love your advice and would love to get some more of your great & much appreciated advice.sorry you didn't hear exactly what you wanted to.  i guess that means it's "bad advice".   don't worry, it's totally normal for your very adult boyfriend to live at home and not want to spend the night with you.  DON'T talk to him about it, just continue to sit there and wonder.   you're totally doing the right thing.that better?

my2geldings

cara 1981It's unfortunate to see you come here for advice but then get upset when you don't get the answer you are hoping for. It's unfortunate we wasted our time responding to this thread.