Rant?/help me (long...duh)

Button5807

So I'm pretty much writing this as a practice conversation to organize my thoughts before I go crazy. I know that communication in a relationship is important, I'm just trying to figure out how to express myself without coming off like a brat or a biitch. Also, you should know by now that I am completely incapable of keeping it short so, as always, it's long and rambling; if you take issue with that just don't read it. BF and I are moving this weekend, the place is a lot bigger than were we are now so we need more stuff mostly to have a functional kitchen stuff, storage, etc. We were saving up to move but this happened so fast (at least 6 months earlier) that we didn't have as much money set aside as we would have liked. So I had to borrow some money from my father just to get us going. I had ever intention of paying him back but he told me to drop that idea and took it further by sending my step mom over to take me shopping where she bought us more things. My mother has also chipped in with helping us by letting me store the newly purchased items in her home, helping me measure the new place so we could get rugs, and refinishing old furniture that she had stored in her basement for us to use. If you had to weigh it out you could say that what she has contributed in manual labor eclipses the generous financial support from my father. Either way this basically wouldn't have been possible without their help and we would have missed a huge opportunity. Also, along with some of our friends, both my parents, my step mother and my brother (who is coming up from DC) will be on hand this weekend to assist with the moving and unpacking. This is a really new situation for me because I've never had to ask for anything before. I was always stubbornly independent and too proud to accept any form of help from others, especially loved ones. The night we realized we didn't have enough money saved up yet to pull off this move I broke down hysterically for ten minutes before I was able to ask my father for a loan. (He yelled at me for being so silly and said he was surprised it took me this long to ask him for money, my brother had been doing it for years)So even though everyone keeps telling me it's not problem and they're happy to help and I would do the same thing if I had kids I still do feel a little bit awkward about it. On the other hand BF's family, who are more local and we see regularly and get along with, hasn't offered help whatsoever. This isn't about money, I think I would die from embarrassment if we took anymore money from others. I just think it's quite odd that no one has offered to help. They know we're moving, they know we have a lot of stuff, they know we we've been looking for people to help with the actual move and they haven't said anything.That's not actually what's bothering me though because I was surprised after all my parents had done to find out that they were planning on being there Saturday to lend a hand. (my mother actually took friday off from work to help us finish painting) What bothers me is that none of this seems to bother BF. Maybe it's a very protective part of me feeling like my family is being taken advantage of or that I'm not used to the idea of family not being there when you need them. Either way I find myself feeling uncomfortable and off about the whole situation. I just am unsure of how to address it, if it's even appropriate to address it with BF. Please feel free to tell me if all this packing has fried my brain and made me unreasonably paranoid or whatever.

Button5807

Summary, my family is helping out big time with our move and his isn't. It bothers me that he doesn't seem to care about that or think it's weird.

Moiramab

Personally, I'd probably want to be snarky and say something along the lines of "Well, your parents aren't invited so nyah". Actually that's more immature than anything, but anyway...Has one of you already mentioned the lack of help from his side? Maybe start by asking him if his parents are free that weekend, and introduce the idea that he seems to be missing or not thinking of. Or, maybe, they already offered to him, but because of the massive input from your side, he decided to turn them down, knowing that you don't like so much help?I think that maybe freaking out so much about this is stress-related, but even without it I'd still think about and question their apathy, just to a lesser extent.Good Luck, and congrats on the move!

Button5807

The other day when I was trying to figure out who was going to be around to help us b/c  I wanted to have enough food to feed them I asked him if his brother or anyone would be there and he just said no. I didn't think much of it at the time but it sort of stuck with me and festered in my friend brain and I started comparing things.So do you think it's not out of line for me to casually mention my concern to BF? Maybe is this something to bring up after the fact just to satisfy my curiosity in a stress free environment?

notquiteblushing

I don't know.  I've moved twice in the past year (well FI left his apartment first and then I left mine a few months later) and neither of our parents did anything.  And when I moved into my apartment in law school they bought me some stuff because my Mom loves to buy stuff but they didn't see participate in the moving at all.  In fact the last time they helped me move was when my first year of law school when I didn't have a car for a couple of months so I needed a ride.  I think after a certain age most parents assume you can take care of hauling your own stuff.As for the money stuff that is hard.  I hate asking for money so I can sympathize with that.  But just because your father was generous doesn't mean your BF's parents need to be.The first time we went out to dinner and FI's parents looked at him to pay I was pretty shocked.  I thought parents always bought their kids dinner.  But all parents are different.  Good luck with the rest of your move!

katanne9

I was always stubbornly independent and too proud to accept any form of help from others, especially loved ones.Maybe they already know this about you so they haven't offered or your BF feels like your fam has taken over the "help" department and his family isn't needed?If it were me I would just ask them if they can come help for a little bit. Plus, moving sucks and will turn any normal coherent person crazy - best of luck!!

noelle24

I agree with NQB.  Every family is different.  My mom helped me move when I first came to grad school, but after that, I was on my own.  It's great and wonderful that your family is able and willing to help you out in different ways (manual labor or money).  But what you need to keep in mind is that just because your family wants to be so involved, it doesn't mean that his family should be too.  Look on their money and time as a housewarming gift of sorts.  Just because one person gets you a gift, it doesn't obligate others.If you two get engaged, this will be important to remember when it comes time to decide who's paying.Okay, all that aside.  How close are they as a family otherwise? Do they have a lot of family functions? Do they usually help each other out?  They may just be a very independent type of family, and that might be something you'll have to decide if you want to live with for the rest of your life or not.In any case, I'd try to wait until you are less stressed about this to talk to your BF about how close and involved his family is.  But I would definitely only talk about this if you can keep it calm and not try to tell him what his family should or should not be doing.

Button5807

His family is really close and we're always going to get-togethers that are filled with a ton of his relatives. As far as knowing if they help each other out I've never seen a situation like this before so I'm not sure if this is their normal behavior or not.  I think I'm going to have to assume that maybe it is because BF doesn't seem to think it's odd, but he also doesn't seem to think my family doing nearly everything is odd either. Yeah, I'm thinking I'll wait and just bring it up later on to satisfy my curiosity I'm not really trusting myself to keep my sanity intact this week.

Button5807

(I'm not sure why I'm responding because I'm pretty sure you're just looking for a fight but whatever.)Actually, aside from mentioning it here I haven't divulged the financial aspects of my fathers help to anyone other than BF. So that makes you incorrect, thanks for playing.

wingedbride

I am not looking for a fight. Just statting the obvious. If you are a grown up, you should be able to handle grown up things on your own. Yet, you are somehow put off by his family not helping? It sounds like you do want support from parents. Get over it.

Button5807

Actually what I wrote was "What bothers me is that none of this seems to bother BF. "I was puzzled by my BF being so accepting of the help from my family and so indifferent to the lack of help from his family. I wasn't aware that being confused by conflicting reactions meant I wasn't a grown up. :-(

wingedbride

You made the world's longest post about this. It obviously bothers you a lot. Now you are just splitting hairs about why it bothers you.Maybe it's a very protective part of me feeling like my family is being taken advantage of or that I'm not used to the idea of family not being there when you need them. How is your family being taken advantage of? Why do you need his family to help you move to the point of fretting over this so much? This all speaks of immaturity. You may be trying to word this all so you sound like a grown up, but all I hear is someone who cannot handle their own affairs expecting their parents and their BFs parents to take care of them.

Button5807

This could probably go back and forth all day so I suppose I'll just have to agree to disagree with you about this. Perhaps I'm just a bit put off by someone who doesn't post here regularly showing up and being aggressive.

notquiteblushing

Button moving has obviously stressed you out a bit.  It's not a competition whose parents help out more, if they help at all.  I hope you get everything done soon and relax.

wingedbride

You seem put out by anyone disafreeing with you, despite the fact that you say Please feel free to tell me if all this packing has fried my brain and made me unreasonably paranoid or whatever.Sounds like you really didn't mean that.And I used to be a regular on this board. Just because I don't post here regularly now does not make my opinion invalid.

traciecook

I think it's weird that his family hasn't offered to help or even given you some sort of excuse for not helping. It would bother me that BF didn't seem to think it's strange. Have you noticed this as a pattern with his family?When we moved my parents helped financially and his parents helped with unpacking boxes and organizing. I would have found it strange if his parents didn't offer to help, becasue of who there are.

Button5807

NQB - I don't really see it as a competition, as I'm trying to hash this out in my head I'm finding myself circling about the fact that I'm nervous BF will get used to this and come to expect things like this from my family. WB - You make an excellent point, I did write that and then seem for forget that I had done so. I apologize for my backtalk, perhaps I've been too defensive.

noelle24

Button:  Is there any chance that because you never accept help from your family and are feeling guilty over it, that you are transferring this to your BF? It seems to me that you are just so stressed about having to accept help when you really didn't want to that you are worried your BF might come to *want* this help from your family in the future.I'd let all the stress from the move go by, get settled in, and then re-visit your feelings about this in a few weeks.

Button5807

Noelle that's pretty much what I am thinking at this point. This morning when I woke up I was upset/nervous/stressed  about this because I couldn't really figure out what was bothering me or what I was thinking. That's the reason I posted here in the first place so I could get it out there and bounce ideas around and try to straighten it all out. One thing I did figure out for sure is that I'm not bringing this up with BF anytime soon. lol

notquiteblushing

Ditto noelle. You and your BF shouldn't rely on anyone to help you out from this day forward.  Stuff happened but make sure you're not in a position like that again.IMHO you lucked out.  The only thing I can imagine that is more stressful than moving is moving while entertaining inlaws.

Malakia02

In my humble opinion Button I think you are letting the stress of moving get to you.  Why should you BF be upset with his family because they are not moving your stuff from point A to point B? 99.9% of guys like to do things their way and the fewer people involved in moving the better.  For example, when we moved into our current place it was just the two of us moving all the boxes and we had one friend help us move the couch.  Sure it took longer, but I know BF would have been incredibly stressed and grumpy if we had both of our families present to help.   Just consider whether your BF would prefer fewer people helping the move or more people helping the move.  If you believe he would prefer fewer people that is probably why his parents are not there to help. 

Button5807

Malkia - I certainly don't want him to be upset with his family, that would just add to the stress of the situation. I was just concerned by his thought process and worried he would come to expect this type of behavior from my family.As far as moving with just him and me that's not much of a possibility as a shoulder injury has me incapable of lifting things otherwise I'd be all for it, trying to organize the circus that Saturday promises to be has got me at toxic levels of bsc.

Button5807

and also, in his opinion it seems to be "the more people there helping the better" he's recruited (with the promise of food) a bunch of his friends to help moving so things get done faster.

jeanacorina

When we moved, FI's family knew about it ahead of time, knew we didn't have anyone to help us, and did not offer any help.I wondered at that for like, 5 seconds. My family lives across the country, but any other time I've moved my brother and sister have helped, and usually brought along some of their friends to help, and my dad would come over and put up my curtain rods, and whatever.I fed everyone cardboard pizza and we watched the one DVD I owned (I think we discussed that already, though) and it was nice. Family coming together, helping each other out... you know. Warm fuzzies.FI's family is not like that. It's not odd to him that they're not like that. He also knows the way I was raised and understands that my family IS like that.Maybe it's the same in your situation. He knows you, and he knows your family. It doesn't seem off. He doesn't need to rethink his entire upbringing and relationship with his parents just because yours is different.I think you're stressed. Go get yourself a $3 bottle of wine and drink it all. Call me in the morning.And get used to your BF's parents and them not being like your own parents. All my life I thought I'd be best buddies with whatever MIL I ended up with. Guess what? NOT SO.

Button5807

Jeana - We did discuss it already, the first time moving made me BSC and I think about it and smile every time I panic about what the first month there is going to be like. :-)I'm allergic to wine but it's an excellent idea, I'll be sure to partake in a cocktail or five this evening. I'm sad that you aren't bff with your fmil but you bring up a good point, up until current bf  my xbfs parents had been very involved, to the point where I was turned off by the pushiness and wished they'd go away. Well, I got my wish and if I was able to adapt to others parents I can do it again even though it's a different thing to get used to. I have a post-it on my monitor now that says BF's PARENTS ARE NOT YOURS.Seriously though, has anyone ever told you that you have a calming effect? I'm not kidding about shrinking you down and carrying you around on my shoulder.

jeanacorina

I try.

desertsun

Button, I don't think it's weird that it's bothering you. You feel how you feel, and that's okay. :)Having dealt with family tension around moves lately, I know it's not easy to figure things out, b/c every group has its own dynamic, and it can make things weirder than an outsider can understand.That said, if it were me, I'd probably feel the same way, but I'd try to tell myself to be happy for the help I get, and if I need more help, ask. I can't expect people to give me what I don't ask for. Which doesn't mean those people love me any less. I might say to BF, "hey, have you thought that maybe it's a little weird that my family's been so helpful and yours hasn't?" Or, I might say, "Next time your family gets to help us move!" You know, something that isn't confrontational, but kind of gets your thoughts across or gets a conversation started. It's easier to do this though if you're not upset when you do it.Hope this (and the cocktails you're presumably consuming right now) helps!

ffmaid

In BF shoes I would expect help from neither family but be greatful for whatever help showed up. your family is offering so great but that does not change the lack of expected help from either side. Does that make sense. Expect no help from either side. When one side offers help be happy but that does not mean the other side must now offer to help also .

KateLouise

My family is like this in comparison to DHs. DHs mother has never once offered help with our wedding, our home or our new baby. My parents on the other hand are always offering to pay for things, or are doing things to help us. I said to DH the other night, :I really want to take Mum shopping for baby stuff, because I want her advice, but I know that will turn into her paying and I don't want that." His reply? "Take my Mum, we know she won't offer to pay." So he sees exactly how his mother is. There have been couple of times when it's felt like my husband takes my parents generosity for granted and it's ticked me off. But I've pointed it out and we've moved on because I know he does genuinely appreciate their support. The thing is, is that in turn we are more generous with our time and help towards my parents than towards his mother. We still do things for her, because we're not heartless, but she does not get the lion's share of our generosity (rightly or wrongly) when our time or money is limited and I doubt very much that she realises that. For me the most important things is what we teach our own children, I want to be generous with my children and to teach them to be generous to others. So it's important that my DH appreciates what my parents do for us and in turn wants to teach that to our children, rather than imitating his mother.

KD+BC

Remember, when someone does something super nice like giving you money or helping you move, it's appreciated because not everyone would do it. That being said, I would probably feel that same way since my family is like yours. They all offered to help us move, I had to politely turn people down because we don't have enough stuff to need that many people. Try to remember that families are all different and appreciate that family that you have. They sound amazing. Also, once you move, do something relaxing for yourself. Moving sucks!

ansley.easterlin

Good relationship rule #1: if something is bothering you, DO NOT let it fester and go unsaid.  Even if you can see how it could make no sense to your BF that this would even cross your mind, but letting it bother you and not saying anything...  the frustration will manifest itself in other ways and you will end up fighting over something really stupid like the way he is packing boxes.  HOWEVER, that doesn't mean flying off the handlebars and accusing his family of secretly hating you.  A calm, rational, logical approach usually works best.And while I only scanned some of the above post, I don't think it's unreasonable to expect your BF's family to be supportive in SOME way, unless they are upset about the fact that you are moving and don't support the MOVE.That's a whole different issue.