So mad at my BF... (long, sorr)

dreamingblue

I really need to vent, and since you guys are so good at giving advice, I'll take some of that, too. (This is going to be a little long- I apologize.)My BF started a new job at the end of August/early September after being laid off since June. He got laid off around the time we started getting really serious with each other, and with him not working more than a few odd jobs, we saw each other quite a bit, which was nice.Now, I am not one of those girls who demands that her BF spend every spare moment with her. People should have lives, otherwise, what do you talk about? So, when he started this job and was working a lot of hours, I was pretty patient about it. I did worry, because he has some anxiety issues, but he seemed to really like it, so I didn't worry. The last weekend in September, we made plans to spend the weekend together. He came over Friday night after work (which was like, 1am), we went to sleep, and when we woke up, he tells me 'Oh, I said I'd be at work at 10'. I was like 'Um, I'm sorry..WHAT did you just say?!' So we had the talk about how I worry about the hours he's working, and how I'm worried about his health/anxiety. He tells me he won't be gone long, and that he's Ok. I am still mightily annoyed, but I tried to be patient, knowing he's one of only 2 supervisors (currently).He didn't get back until almost 8pm that night. Then, at 2am, his work phone rings and it's the alarm in the building going off, so he has to jump out of bed and run out there to deal with that. He has a major panic attack as a result of this turmoil, and he never comes back to my place (and I can't go to where he is, because it's a secured area...so I'm stuck!).While I was annoyed, I dealt with it, and I worried more about him. Since then, I've seen him all of three times. We met up briefly before I left for Vegas on Oct 1st, he picked me up from the airport when I got back on the 5th, and then this past weekend, we went to see Couples Retreat together, and then he went home because they started him on the 4am-12pm schedule. Wednesday was our offical '1 year' together. Because it was during the week, we thought it would be fun to go to the Second Chance Prom tomorrow night, and just make a night of it. We're supposed to go to dinner and meet up with friends, and we have a nice room reserved at a hotel. BF, several weeks ago, assured me that he wouldn't have to work on the weekend, so he'd be ready, despite the fact that his job is weather dependent. I've been worried because he works A LOT...16...17 hours, those are common for him on a regular basis. Our time at the movies was cut short because after the movie he was exhausted and went home to sleep- we were supposed to eat afterwards. I've been asking him about this weekend for the last couple of days. Earlier this week we had a long talk about the hours he's working, and how we aren't spending time together, and it's starting to get to me. I'm a really patient person, but he's showing signs of being a workaholic, and I don't know how to deal with it. He said he didn't realize it, and that our conversation was a huge wakeup call for him, so he'd work on it, especially since I brought up that he told me he thought part of the reason his last marriage ended was because of how many hours he worked. *sigh*This morning, he calls me and he is like 'Well, I'm going t have to work tomorrow' and I said 'How do you plan to do that when the prom goes from 7-12? You're going to be exhausted?!' and he's like 'I'll be there. Don't worry. I'll handle my end...' and I was not a fan of his tone. I was so irritated, and angry with him! After the talk we just had about the hours he's working, and he told his boss a month ago that he needed this time off...all of a sudden he's got to work tomorrow morning?! He's not going to be able to do anything if he's working from 4am untl 12pm!! I feel angry and betrayed...he promised he wasn't working. And this is the only time in the entire year we've been together that I've asked him to take time off for me...for us...so we could spend time together! I've been planning this for so long- there's so much money tied up in the room, the tickets, my dress/alterations/hair appointment! Part of me wants to cancel it and be like 'You know what? You want to work, then you go ahead and work. I'm going to stay home an eat some ice cream. Call me when you get this workaholic thing straightened out.' I feel like he keeps putting me second to his job. It's always 'well, as soon as we get more supervisors..' but it's almost November, and when the holiday travel season starts, that's going to be it! In the airline industry, you don't see anyone who works in the airlines until after that season is over...and I feel like I already know how that feels. We've been talking about getting married someday, and right now I feel like that's a horrible idea, because he can't say no to his job and take a couple of days to spend time with me. OK. Sorry. I'm done now. I know I'm overreacting a bit, but I can't help but feel so frustrated and angry right now. JS

jeanacorina

Wow, I read all that.I really feel for you. My FI and I went through a tough spot where he had an internship in New Orleans, and he'd get up at 4am, not come home until 7pm, and then we'd eat dinner and go to bed.It was awful and frustrating.Then there was his Internal Auditing training, which was similar except that he went to class at 7am and then when he was finished he'd go to the library to work on group projects until 9 or 10 every night and nearly every weekend.It's hard. What makes it worse is that some people really ARE workaholics and it can affect their relationships. I completely understand why you feel like canceling this weekend, but that wouldn't help anything.I think you should see how this turns out. If he's a zombie or bails on you, THEN pull the "You know what, call me when you have the time and energy to put into a serious relationship." I also had to give FI (years ago, when he was BF) the cold shoulder. It's really hard to do. My problem was his mother trying to keep us apart, and him listening to her and trying to make her happy. That, in turn, put a lot of strain on us... because everything his mom wanted ended with not being with me.We didn't speak for a month. I refused to answer his calls or respond to his emails until I realized he wasn't going to give up, and he really wanted to fix what was wrong.As I said, one more chance. You already have this prom thing set up. Go ahead and try to make it work. But you're going to need to dig deep into your heart and figure out-- if he NEVER changes... can you be happy?If you say "Call me when you want to contribute to this relationship" and he doesn't wake up and see your relationship going down the drain... then that sucks... but you'll get through.

notquiteblushing

Yikes, I'm sorry.  My dad used to be a workaholic and I know it was hard on my mom. I think the talk you guys had was a start.  He knows it is now a problem in your relationship (and he really shouldn't be suprised!) and promised to work on it. As for whether you think he's working on it and whether you can handle being in a relationship where this is a problem is up to you.  BTW I'm sure his work habits only increase his anxiety. As for this weekend, he said he would show up so let him prove that to you.

dreamingblue

Thanks, Jeana. Sorry, I know that was really long- I felt like I had to explain where it all was coming from. I appreciate you taking the time to read it. I will see how tomorrow goes. If he doesn't change, then I can't deal with this. I was in a very abusive relationship a few years ago and I felt very alone, and I don't feel much different now. I was always up waiting for my ex to come home, or to follow through on things he said he was going to do, and he never did. My BF isn't abusive, but I feel like I'm standing around waiting again, and I deserve better than that. I don't want to be in a relationship with myself.I'm supposed to talk to him later, and I don't know if I should try to talk to him again..or just wait it out to see how tomorrow goes.And yes, NQB, his work habits do increase his anxiety. He was in the hospital last year because of it. That's why I get so worried.Thanks again, ladies. I really appreciate you letting me vent and your advice.

Acrosthec

As often happens when I leave for lunch and miss a post, please refer to my sig for my answer.  :)I am sorry you're going through this though, to be serious for a minute.  My BF is somewhat on the other spectrum with the neverending laziness, so while I have my own issues with that, I can't imagine dating a workaholic again.  My BF in college was one due to his major.  He would leave at 7am for class, come home around dinner in time to scarf down some food, then leave for the library until 2 or 3am.  It was miserable, and I swore I'd never do it again.  Best of luck.

my2geldings

I read your post and really feel for you and I'm really sorry you're going thru this. I go thru waves where I go thru something a little similar. My bf works in law enforcement and I work pre-hospital care so our work hours are always out of sink. Usually things work well and we get our time but depending on when our work days fall, every few months, there are times when we see each other only an hour or so each day. Things are a little tougher. I think I have it easier, because I knew what I was getting into right at the beginning and being in the field I have an understanding for it.Other than this being a new job for him, is there a reason why he is working so much? (he is trying to pay something off, saving for something?)I bet it's not his first choice to work so much and as posted above, it's true I can only imagine how much more stress it's adding to his anxiety.Communication is key. My suggestion would be to sit down and talk to him and share your feelings. He may not be able to change the situation but at least you will have talked about it instead of keeping your frustrations inside. On a side note, you never know what his boss might be like. Maybe it's someone that is really hard to deal with> maybe he is worried to lose his jobs, or have gotten some comments or threats about losing his job if he doesn't accept the shifts?Not sure what else to tell you. Good luck.

pinkpinot

I have a different view and I don't want to sound rude but you should be happy he was able to find a job (in this economy) after being laid off.  Secondly (in this economy) I doubt an airline will be hiring more help anytime soon.  He'll have to grin and bare it, so will you.  Sometimes you have no control over your work schedule unless you own your business.  You have to work when the "man" tells you.  I think if you can't deal with him working a ton of hours right now maybe marriage isn't for you two.  You may encounter things a lot harder than that, perhaps one of you not having a job and you can't pay the bills to keep a roof over your head. 

jeanacorina

I do agree that he is very lucky to have finally found a job. I also think you touched on something important when you mentioned that while he was unemployed you got used to having him around. Similar thing happened to me when my FI was unemployed after he graduated. You get used to it and take it for granted.But, I still think that beyond all that, you still need to figure out what you can handle. There are no guarantees that things will change. He would have to change because he wants to, not because you tell him to.You've both got to figure out where your priorities lie.

pinkpinot

Do you two live together?

desertsun

The hours aren't the problem. It's that you feel like he puts his work before you. And that he can't say no.If he really wants to be with you, he will most likely be able to learn to schedule his time better and say no when he needs to. You just have to be patient while he figures out how to make it work for both of you.I say see what happens with the prom thing. If he can make the sacrifice and does it without being resentful or complaining, yay! That would be progress, right?I know this is a tough situation. But I for one think you're right to insist that he make your relationship a priority. If he can't make you and your relationship a priority now, how can you expect him to do so after you're married? I think you're being very sensible, and you're just having a moment of frustration and impatience. Give him a little more time. BUT, if after another couple of weeks, you don't see continuous improvement and he still can't or won't make time for you, as hard as it may be, it's better for you to recognize it and let him go. Sorry, lady, I know this is no fun. Hope he gets his stuff together!

Goldlie11

I too can relate to the situation. My bf got laid off and was around a lot. Then he started going to school full time and working part time. Still, our hours were similar. When he found a new job, he ended up with a schedule the exact opposite of mine (he started work when I got finished with work). The hours issue also affected us because I go to bed pretty early (around 10 p.m.) and he is used to going to bed in the wee hours of the morning. We didn't even get to talk on the phone much because of the conflicting schedules. Eventually, I got used to not having him around. It also made our time together more special. We vowed that we would make the best of our time, and we tried not to argue (especially over silly stuff). Now his schedule has been changed temporarily to a schedule more compatible with mine. But it's just a matter of time before things go back to how they were. The point of the story is that you should make the best of the situation. Like someone else said, in this tough economy, he may not have a choice right now.

arixana

Seems kind of quick to be thinking about the grand picture if you ask me. Starting a new job and trying to "prove yourself" and gain a good reputation can sometimes take a bit of extra effort. I would support him for a while and see if things work themselves out.In the meantime, I wouldn't be moving forward on any wedding planning until you know for sure if this is temporary or the way life will be. Once you know if it is permanent, then you need to decide if you can accept that.Remember the first 6 months in a job is a "settling in " period. But it would be fair for him to ask for more reasonable hours once he establishes to management that he is a good worker.I guess what I am saying is, don't rush to a conclusion that you can't take back, until your moment of frusteration is over and you have time to think clearly. Your anger over this one date night isn't the real issue (although annoying and an easy target), the bigger issue is your overall lifestyle. ...prolly not the most popular answer on this thread, but I'm just wondering how he is feeling, with the pressures of work and the pressures of home. I'm not condoning workaholic behaviour, but on the other hand, surely he has to be feeling some frusteration too?

dreamingblue

Thanks everyone.No, we don't live together. He lives about 45 minutes away from me right now.desertsun- you got it. I'm thrilled he has a job, but I do feel like I'm not a priority. He can work 100 hours per week if that's what makes him happy, all I ask is that once in awhile he takes the time to ssee me. Also, ladies, this isn't a new thing. Before he was laid off, he had this problem. He was working crazy hours every day to the point that he landed in the hospital with a nervous breakdown. I'm not only upset because he's not making me a priority, I'm upset because he's not making himself a priority, too. He is a supervisor, and the company he works for is in the process of hiring people, they're just slow about it. They have to have more people in order to fulfill their contract- right now there are 2 supervisors, and only one of them local (my BF), the other one commutes in from Minnesota every week. They have almost 100 employees, and climbing. Their business needs at least six supevisors to function on some level, and my BF has had the work of ALL of them thrust on him, not to mention part-time secretary for HIS boss. I just don't find that acceptable. But he does it because he doesn't know how to say no.Anyway, we had dinner tonight and spoke about it more. He agrees with me. He also told me that he wasn't working tomorrow morning from 4am-12pm...he's going in at 10am and leaving around 1pm. It worked out because his boss told him to leave his team alone a little bit to make mistakes so they can learn and he doesn't have to be there 24/7. Best advice from a boss I ever heard. He's also not working on Sunday. I'm relieved. Thanks for listening!JS

desertsun

Yay, progress! hang in there, girl! Sounds like things are looking up.