Not Engaged Yet

mother drama (long)

Ok- So i know that i am already engaged- but i like it here :) this post is really just to vent some- but here we go: So, I got engaged 2 months ago (squee) and everything was great...except my parent's reactions. My FI had asked my parents for blessing (i'm almost 30 so i forbade FI to ask permission- but blessing is nice)- and they flat out told him NO. Well, he ignored them (obviously) and we're engaged. Since then, my mother has ignored my ring and him- she merrily goes on with life pretending that none of that ever happened. (by the way, i did ask why they said no: among the ridiculous reasons were listed: MY student loans were too expensive, he's not a real man cause he's artistic, and that he is the WRONG kind of christian (he was raised Catholic- i was raised methodist- both of us aren't really religious at all)) So- jumping forward- i have been having a blast planning my wedding for next halloween- narrowing down venues and getting photographers, shopping for dresses- and an awesome thing happened: while trying on my dream dress (maggie sottero Victoriana), a girl with one of her friends told me that she had that dress (wedding didn't happen- very sad) and that she wanted to GIVE it to me! Turns out we're the same size and everything. She and I went for coffee- i have a free dress, and it's just the most awesome thing that has ever happened to me.I had not told my mother about the awesome dress- she was so mad about me being engaged- she refuses to talk about it- and when I mentioned that she should come to dress shop with me, she said NO....well, my mom called me last night- my little brother had told her about the dress, and now she is PISSED that i 1) went dress shopping without her (even though she already said NO) and 2) that I have a free wedding dress (which was "too expensive" and that i shouldn't have tried on anyway)I am at my wit's end! She berated me for leaving her out of the planning- then got on me for how much I was planning on spending! I can't win- she even threatened to not come to the wedding cause I want to be married at the orchid house at the botanical gardens instead of in a church! Any help/advice/nice vibes would help me out here- it's almost making me hate my wedding plans- and i was so excited!

Re: mother drama (long)

  • zitiqueenzitiqueen member
    First Answer First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Keep your piehole shut about your wedding when you're around your family, since they obviously can't keep their pieholes shut. Send them an invitation when the time comes. Done and done.
  • prettynpink81prettynpink81 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I totally agree with not mentioning anything. It's your engagement..it only happens once..So I wouldn't surround yourself with negativity. Be happy as you want and pat yourself on the back about the dress!!! it's your dream dress..it was free..HOORAY...That is sooo awesome. You are past the age of asking parents for advice, I know it would be wonderful if they would cooperate, but some parents are just set in there ways..At the end of the day It's your Mom that will be missing out on your big day,and that's sad..But she's doing it to herself. Not You, so just go about what your doing and just pray she turns her attitude around, if not don't worry about it. Be Positive and just celebrate that you are engaged. And Never let anyone else take away from your planning and celebrating.
  • MidniteRaeMidniteRae member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You got the dress you wanted for free..that's awesome! Oh and about your mom..just leave her out of it.(IMO)
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  • edited December 2011
    That's great about the dress and sucky about your mom.  She sounds like the type that isn't go to be pleased with whatever you do so just stop telling her about the wedding and lower your expectations of her in general.  Good luck.
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  • desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I assume you love your mom, and that's why you're so upset by this. But tell her to shut it. Seriously. If she can't say something nice, she needs to not say anything at all. She will continue to behave badly if you allow her to do so. Tell her her behavior is not acceptable, and walk away if/when she doesn't change it. If you want to be treated like a grown a$$ woman, then act like one! Don't just let people get away with doing or saying things that upset you.
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  • arixanaarixana member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    ...so let me get this stragiht- you were in the store, minding your own business, then a random unknown girl who just HAPPENED to be your size, had your dress, didn't use it, and had the generosity to just give it to you? Man....yoo so luckeee, wish there was a horseshoe up my butt too! lol Congrats on your wedding, I don't think you're story is that uncommon. I think you'll just have to develop a thick skin and let it slide. Don't let anyone take away from the joy of this stage in your life! Oh and ifyou are the one paying for your wedding, you owe it to no one  to divulge the details. Send her an invite when the time comes. You don't have to answer to her. Now, if she is paying for something, well that changes the story. Oh, and if it were me, I'd prolly send that sweet girl a gift certificate for a day at the spa or something....cuz what she did was absolutely amazing.
  • MidniteRaeMidniteRae member
    5 Love Its First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Jennyp- Catholics are Christians. All Catholics are Christians, but not all Christians are Catholic.
    "You must stay drunk on writing so reality cannot destroy you." -Ray Bradbury 
  • edited December 2011
    That's pretty awesome about the dress! Sorry that your mother is acting that way though. I would suggest that any time she tries to bring up anything wedding related to just change the subject - she can't talk about the wedding if you don't. And if she threatens to not come to the wedding again just call her bluff and say "We're sorry you won't be able to make it. You will be missed" Good luck!
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  • edited December 2011
    That's really horrible. My FI was raised Catholic also, but my parents couldn't care less. They're just happy that he's such a nice guy and that he IS a Christian. Now, to FI's parents, *I* am the "WRONG" kind of Christian, being Protestant. But we say "keep your nose out of our business."We're talking about having our (Catholic) friend officiate our ceremony, and his parents think it's a terrible idea, and besides with our friend being Catholic "how could he ever agree to that?"Well, he has. Thanks for your opinion, but we like the idea of him officiating better than some stranger.I think you just need to stop talk about the wedding planning. That's going to be hard. What girl doesn't want her mom involved in her wedding? But really, your mom isn't being rational or respectful. Your student loan debt is YOUR business. You're a grown woman, and you can handle your own finances.Tell her thanks for her opinion, but you disagree. Move on and surroud yourself with fun, positive people who would LOVE to be involved in your planning. Maybe your mom will come around. Maybe not.Good luck. And that's so fantastic about your dress! Don't let your mom bring you down about that. You're so incredibly lucky. Definitely send that girl something nice to thank her--- she saved you a buttload of money and did one of the most generous things I've ever heard of!
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    Congratulations on your engagement!1.  You found a dress you loved.2.  Someone was kind enough to give you the dress.3.  You  have a fiance who loves you so much that he asked your parents blessing.4.  You are engaged.In two month's time you have had some wonderful things happen. Please focus on that.  Mom may be feeling like she is losing you and doesn't know how to express her feelings except negatively.  Or, maybe your dad is spreading negativity and it's causing her grief.  If you don't feel comfortable talking to her, write her a letter.  Let her know that her negative actions and comments are hurtful and if she isn't going to be supportive then conversations about the wedding will not happen.You have every right to feel excited and expect to be supported in your planning.  Surround yourself with friends and family who will support you and share your joy.I'm a mom myself, and while I can't imagine not supporting my child as they are planning such an important life event, I'm hopeful that your mom will come around and really show you the love and support you deserve.Best wishes.
  • SarahPLizSarahPLiz member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Ok.. maybe a little off point, but I live across from a Methodist church, and there is a big sign outside tha says " Open doors, open hearts, open.. ___" THey even advertise it on the radio. I have heard of Catholic families not being accepting of protestant spouses, but in my experience, Methodists love everyone. No offense intended, but maybe your parentst should pay more attention to the latest tag-line of their denomination. Heck, at least he IS religious..
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  • edited December 2011
    Maybe your mom is concerned about the type of marriage you will have; a wedding is just a day, but she is probably looking out for you and your best interest. She's your mom and she loves you...dearly. I agree about not sharing wedding details with her; this should really be a commom theme with most brides, IMO. However, I certainly think you need to speak to your mom about the relationship between you and her, as well as the rest of your family. You don't want to go in to a marriage like this. Focus on what is important before you focus on wedding planning. Trust me, it is fun to plan, but at the end of the day it won't be fulfilling if you can't share it with the peopel you love. GL.
  • magsugar13magsugar13 member
    First Anniversary First Comment
    edited December 2011
    You are 30~! Not 18!Tell her nothing! Show her nothing! Ask her nothing. I know you had a different picture in your mind of how your wedding planning would be , but if you don't want to deal with this crap than DONT!
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  • cath3888cath3888 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Congrats about the engagement and the dress!My mother can be very toxic, so I've learned over time how to deal with people who behave like 3 year olds throwing tantrums.If I were you, the next time your mother starts complaining and raining on your parade, I'd say, "Mom, I have something to say and you need to listen.  I am 30 years old.  I am an adult.  This is the man I've chosen to marry.  I love him, he loves me, and we're happy together.  I've waited my whole life to get married and have a wedding, and  FI and I are going to get married however will make US truly happy.  You are my mother and I love you, but if you continue being disrespectful to FI, pretending as though I'm not engaged and actively planning a wedding, and ruining the happiest time of my life with your surliness, not only will I not tell you a THING about my wedding planning, I won't even invite you.  I don't need your negativity ruining the happiest day of my life.  I really hope you can stop this behavior now so that it doesn't have to come to that."
  • salt78salt78 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't share any more information with her. Send her an invite and be done with it. If she decides to not show up for your wedding, that's the mistake that she will have to live with for the rest of her life. She's being a spoiled child and I feel very sorry that you have to deal with this. Congratulations on the dress!!!
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  • edited December 2011
    Thanks everyone: it's been tough so far with the parents (mother mostly) not being happy....it's a bit hard to keep them out of things- (they don't want to admit that i am grown...my mom's the type that will drive the 2 1/2 hours to my house if I neglect to call her every other day- aside from changing my name/joining a witness protection program- she's going to be in my life, passing judgment) My FI said that I should tell her about all wedding decisions- after they are made....and let her play the maryr (cause she'll show up just to b1tch that she didn't have any say in it) and just be happy that i have awesome friends (in town and online) :) BUT- it is totally AWESOME about my dress- I am picking in up in approximately 2 hours (and 15 mins...)- I totally got the girl this awesome gift card to a high-end spa in town- :) Thanks again everyone!! :)
  • edited December 2011
    Ya for the dress! That totally makes MY day, and it didn't even happen to me! I'm so glad you got the girl a gift card to a spa. I'm sure she'll have a great time with that.Your FI seems to have some good advice. As I said, I absolutely can't imagine my mom acting like that, but if she did I'd be really hurt and I wouldn't want to believe it. Just do your best to limit her chances to complain, and enjoy your wedding. She'll be the one to regret not sharing in your happiness.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    I am sorry that your parents are so awful about this, but can I just say I love the idea of doing your wedding on Halloween! Very charming!
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