Not Engaged Yet

BF keeps changing his mind about kids

Every time I have an irregular period (which happens kind of a lot, even though I'm on the pill), the "kids talk" happens, which I'm ok with discussing. Here's the basic idea: we talk about "what if" situations, where he says he's ok, and prepared to be a dad, and everything will be fine. I say that I'll stay home and raise the kid, which I would be thrilled to do, should this ever occur. When I finally get my period, he makes these comments like "you're never going to get pregnant", and "you know I don't want kids". But then, in a few weeks, he'll say things like, "if we had some savings, and were prepared, that would be ok". I have had gynecological problems in the past where my doctor doesn't think I even ovulate, or have ever ovulated, even when I was off the pill. He is so confusing sometimes!! Sometimes I wonder if he is secretly terrified at the possibility of being a parent, or if this change of heart is a blip? His brothers both have kids, and BF loves them dearly. He would make the most amazing father, but where the heck is he going with this??? 

Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids

  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ehhhhhhhh, my FI was the same way. He would say it would be fine, then talk about how he hated babies. Finally when he proposed he explained that he talked with his parents and they had some great insight. He can't control what happens to you when you are pregnant, he can't be sick for you, and honestly, it can be a dangerous time. He's so protective about me that he would never want to do something that would hurt me or take me away. Just like he wouldn't want me to have surgery.

    But I am also guessing that you are 22-23? So there is a good chance that he just isn't ready. It happens, when you are really talking marriage talk about it, but no drinking and calmly.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:21594bfa-a960-453e-a7d0-6ee9e4a9f7fc">BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]Every time I have an irregular period (which happens kind of a lot, even though I'm on the pill), the "kids talk" happens, which I'm ok with discussing. Here's the basic idea: we talk about "what if" situations, where he says he's ok, and prepared to be a dad, and everything will be fine. I say that I'll stay home and raise the kid, which I would be thrilled to do, should this ever occur. When I finally get my period, he makes these comments like "you're never going to get pregnant", and "you know I don't want kids". But then, in a few weeks, he'll say things like, "if we had some savings, and were prepared, that would be ok". I have had gynecological problems in the past where my doctor doesn't think I even ovulate, or have ever ovulated, even when I was off the pill. He is so confusing sometimes!! Sometimes I wonder if he is secretly terrified at the possibility of being a parent, or if this change of heart is a blip? His brothers both have kids, and BF loves them dearly. He would make the most amazing father, but where the heck is he going with this??? 
    Posted by alianne87[/QUOTE]

    A) Does your gyno know that your cycle is irregular on hormonal birth control?

    B) You are 22.  If he is near your age, then I can understand him being terrified of becoming a parent any time soon. 

    C) He may not know if he wants kids yet.  That is okay. 

    D) If you KNOW you want kids, then this is something that needs to be decided before you get engaged and definitely before you get married. 

    E) He may be freaked out because you are "broke" and his parents would have to pay for the baby. 
  • edited December 2011
    Ditto Mutley.

    You two need to get on the same page about kids and marriage before you worry about an ultra-sparkly perfect ring that his parents are paying for.
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  • edited December 2011
    He's 28, and both of our parents are trying to change his mind. For example, my mom has decided that every Christmas until I produce a grandchild for her, she will get me a baby book. This year, I got "I love you stinky face". I think it also has something to do with the fact that his oldest brother's wife had complications during her pregnancy and almost lost her wonderful son, Josh. I think that might be why he's hesitant, at least partially. 
  • edited December 2011
    Another note, his parents are NOT paying for my potential ring, they just went along to help advise and offered to chip in on the reception. I think I was unclear before.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:f1b8e94c-6cfc-420b-ac11-9ac23f03f83c">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]He's 28, and both of our parents are trying to change his mind. For example, my mom has decided that every Christmas until I produce a grandchild for her, she will get me a baby book. This year, I got "I love you stinky face". I think it also has something to do with the fact that his oldest brother's wife had complications during her pregnancy and almost lost her wonderful son, Josh. I think that might be why he's hesitant, at least partially. 
    Posted by alianne87[/QUOTE]


    Not everyone wants to have kids and that's ok. If he doesn't want kids you shouldn't be trying to convince him to have them. If you do want them you need to decide what's most important to you, having kids or being with him.

    Also, have you talked about having kids with him at a random time? Like, not when you're late and not right after you get your period?

    Personally, kids are a non-negotiable to me. In fact, FI and discussed kids within the first couple weeks after we met. If he wasn't interested in kids, I wasn't interested in him.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:f1b8e94c-6cfc-420b-ac11-9ac23f03f83c">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]He's 28, and both of our parents are trying to change his mind. For example, my mom has decided that every Christmas until I produce a grandchild for her, she will get me a baby book. This year, I got "I love you stinky face". I think it also has something to do with the fact that his oldest brother's wife had complications during her pregnancy and almost lost her wonderful son, Josh. I think that might be why he's hesitant, at least partially. 
    Posted by alianne87[/QUOTE]

    Um, your mother is crossing a big f-ing fat line. 

    I have always wanted kids.  Always.  If my boyfriend's mother was getting him kid's books every Christmas, I would be very wary of producing any offspring any time soon.  Overbearing grandmother much?   

    Neither of your parents should be involved in these discussions.  Tell them to butt out now.  You are just asking for problems later on. 

    The only way you are going to know what is going on is to talk to him.
  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Ooo I am your BF! :) Here's why I say that. I think my BF would have children. I have had health problems (sound similar to yours) and it would be difficult for me to get pregnant. Another health problem would make it difficult to carry a pregancy to term. Sooo... I've just always figured I won't have kids. I think we should adopt an older dog so we don't have to commit for long. I don't have house plants. And I don't even floss regularly - how the heck would I raise a child? Clearly I am not competent to do so. (Read between the lines - it scares the h*ll out of me.)

    BF, on the other hand, is older than me and feels like his time has passed. (Although he gets some time back by being with a younger chick, but MY time has almost passed!) So although he probably wants one, if he was being totally honest with himself, he will say he doesn't.

    Logistically for us it might not be a good plan - between my health issues and his age. (He doesn't want to be on social security when the kid graduates from high school.) I would be willing to do some fertility treatments - up to shots, I think - but not beyond it. I kind of feel it's a sign from God. If you can't manage to floss regularly, don't reproduce. But that's just me. :)
  • hetshuphetshup member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I can totally relate to your feelings of excitement about wanting to make it permanent. That is entirely how I feel about my BF. I moved in with him after knowing him 2 months, and we are celebrating one year together tomorrow. He is always the first one to bring up the topic of marriage, and last night we had to drive to Indy to get my laptop fixed and drove past the store where we went e-ring shopping first and found the PERFECT ring. To quote Anthony: "We need to get married." If your BF is like mine, he is not nearly as wound up about all of this as you are. It's ok to be excited while anticipating a proposal, but don't go BSC (thank you ladies for the definition!) thinking about all the little details. You will lose your mind. I had to leave this site for a couple of weeks a while back so that I could calm down. I have learned that moderation is key for someone like myself. Hope this helps!



    That is from October of 2009 (ps a unengaged Kat is commenting as well as Pink and NQB, it's kinda neat). Slow your roll, it's only been 1.5 years. And if he's 28 and needs help buying a ring, seriously, slow your roll.
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  • edited December 2011
    No way in hell would I let my mother send me a kids book every Christmas until I reproduce.  That is none of her business.  I DO NOT see this working well. If anything, it will just piss off your BF until he decides he would never want to reproduce with somenone who has such overbearing and pushy parents. 

    Talk to your BF.  Get on the same page before you get engaged/married. It's the smart thing to do.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:f1b8e94c-6cfc-420b-ac11-9ac23f03f83c">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]He's 28, and both of our parents are trying to change his mind. For example, my mom has decided that every Christmas until I produce a grandchild for her, she will get me a baby book. This year, I got "I love you stinky face". I think it also has something to do with the fact that his oldest brother's wife had complications during her pregnancy and almost lost her wonderful son, Josh. I think that might be why he's hesitant, at least partially. 
    Posted by alianne87[/QUOTE]

    Wow! I thought my mom was bad... I would nip that in the bud asap
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:63a3fc3a-641e-49e2-82f9-cf5edffd40d3">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to BF keeps changing his mind about kids : D)<strong> If you KNOW you want kids, then this is something that needs to be decided before you get engaged and definitely before you get married. </strong>
    Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:fb8ba3ee-646f-4132-be8d-560f3e6c7bfc">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids : <strong>Um, your mother is crossing a big f-ing fat line.  </strong>
    Posted by **Mutley**[/QUOTE]

    These 2 things.

    You need to decide what YOU want before you marry him. If you know you WANT to have children, you guys need to be on the same page before you get married.

    Your mother needs to STOP. She is crossing a line and it's inappropriate. It may be "funny" or well-intentioned, but it's inappropriate, especially regarding your BFs confliction on the subject. I also think it's inappropriate because you are only 22 years old and should NOT be feeling like you've got to get the baby thing started.
  • edited December 2011
    I highly recommend a serious talk about whether he wants kids.

    I was engaged a year ago. He called it off 5 months before the wedding because he decided he didn't want more kids and I do (even though we had "the" talk long before... when things started getting serious...I wanted to get it all out in the open so I'd know if I was wasting my time.). In the end, I got burned. I really hope that doesn't happen to you. 

    Hugs,

    Mandi
  • edited December 2011
    I've been thinking things along the lines as all of you said. It's really hard to have that discussion when he keeps changing his mind, though. I can see easily how this is a giant red flag, but also how maybe he just won't admit entertaining the possibility because he's scared sh*tless. He doesn't want me to see him as anything less than my superman, and showing his apprehensiveness (possibly read fear) wouldn't change my mind, but I know he doesn't want me to think he can be persuaded by anybody. When I've talked with friends about this, they seem to think that he's expecting the worst case scenario, and that's why he won't entertain the possibility. I really think he's my forever, yet this is the only thing that makes me unsure.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:85c8e9a5-2254-478f-9b7c-78a4a4b3ac93">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I've been thinking things along the lines as all of you said. It's really hard to have that discussion when he keeps changing his mind, though. I can see easily how this is a giant red flag, but also how maybe he just won't admit entertaining the possibility because he's scared sh*tless. He doesn't want me to see him as anything less than my superman, and showing his apprehensiveness (possibly read fear) wouldn't change my mind, but I know he doesn't want me to think he can be persuaded by anybody. When I've talked with friends about this, they seem to think that he's expecting the worst case scenario, and that's why he won't entertain the possibility. I really think he's my forever, yet this is the only thing that makes me unsure.
    Posted by alianne87[/QUOTE]

    Only you can decide if this is a big deal.

    For me, this would be a huge thing to be unsure about.  I've always known I wanted to kids.  It was always a deal breaker for me.  I was not even willing to seriously date anyone that didn't want kids or was unsure.  Kids came up between my DH and I about a week into our relationship, and he was the one that brought it up.  We knew exactly what we both wanted and it was easy because we were both sure and even wanted the same timeline.   

    He doesn't need to be persuaded by anyone.  He just needs to be honest with you about his feelings.  If he is unsure, he has every right to feel that way.  He should not be persuaded by anyone to want to have kids.

    You need to decide what you want.  Do you want to have kids?  Is this a non-negotiable for you?  Are you okay with being in a relationship with him if he never wants to have kids?  (These are not questions that he can answer.  You need to figure this side out yourself without involving him.)     
  • edited December 2011
    The only thing you can do here is talk to him. Keep the lines of communication open.

    Based on my personal experience and what you've said I can only think that he wants them one day but isn't ready now due in part because of financial reasons.
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  • edited December 2011
    I *think* I am prepared to spend my life not reproducing. There are the drawbacks, like how kids are smelly, messy, noisy, annoying, always around, expensive, needy, etc. That can be a huge turn-off. But if it happened, I would be ok with it, too. As long as the kid turned out like my BF's three wonderful nephews. They are 2, 3, and 5. They are quiet, polite, helpful, fun, adorable... and I know that all comes from the way they are being raised, it doesn't just happen. 

    Yeah, so I told my mom that the whole baby books thing is not desirable or appreciated, and she said she's going to do it anyway. At least I can pass them off to friends with kids. My mom proved to us that because she didn't take good care of our dogs when we went on a snowboarding vacay a while back, that she can't be trusted in charge of children. I know it's not exactly the same, but she kept our dogs in the garage with unfamiliar cats and threw a giant hissy fit when they killed two of the cats. The dogs are fine with our cats, because they know we do not eat family members. Those cats, to them, were fair game. She still won't admit that it was her fault, but whatever. I left their kennel with her in case it was needed. If she can't keep our dogs out of trouble, what would she let my child get into???

    Long story short, I'd be ok going either way, but I get the feeling that one day he'll look at me and say, who will take care of us when we're old? 
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:0ebbe416-2ad3-43e0-b69c-1aa56690e636">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]My mom proved to us that because she didn't take good care of our dogs when we went on a snowboarding vacay a while back, that she can't be trusted in charge of children. I know it's not exactly the same, but she kept our dogs in the garage with unfamiliar cats and threw a giant hissy fit when they killed two of the cats. The dogs are fine with our cats, because they know we do not eat family members. Those cats, to them, were fair game. She still won't admit that it was her fault, but whatever. I left their kennel with her in case it was needed. If she can't keep our dogs out of trouble, what would she let my child get into???
    Posted by alianne87[/QUOTE]

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  • edited December 2011
    Another thing I just thought of, which emphasizes my confusion, is that last time my period was late (2 mo's late), BF wrote me a song about how he was ready to tell "her" boyfriend when curfew was, was ready to have the "talk" with "him", was prepared for everything, etc. ARRGGGHHH! I wish he would make up his dang mind already so I can make up mine.
  • edited December 2011
    Ali - more and more of the story comes out  and things turn in a completely different direction through out the thread, maybe you should gather your thoughts a bit more before you post next time.
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    "but you're SO FUNNY, button! you're so funny i kind of want to crawl into your skin and wear it as my own. " - NarwhalYou, my dear, are the Queen of the Beebees. Here's a tiara - Oceana 
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  • edited December 2011
    He doesn't need to make up his mind for you to make up yours.  See earlier advice. 
  • katanne9katanne9 member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:0ebbe416-2ad3-43e0-b69c-1aa56690e636">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]I *think* I am prepared to spend my life not reproducing.
    Posted by alianne87[/QUOTE]


    I would just like to say, I think 22 is too young to decide that you're okay without ever having children.
  • edited December 2011
    Hmmm... good thoughts. Sorry about the spacie-ness, I'm getting done with this semester and my mind is in a zillion places. You guys have good advice to offer, so thanks for that.
  • edited December 2011
    No, YOU need to make up your mind without him. This is something YOU either want or don't want... and maybe you're just too young to know. In which case, tell him that. It could have a HUGE effect on the relationship later. Especially if you guys get married and one of you decides you WANT kids, and the other decides they really DON'T. How would you handle that?

    But his decision is personal, and shouldn't influence yours. You shouldn't want kids just because he does (I understand it's not that black-and-white). You owe it to any future children to WANT them. 110% WANT them before they're ever conceived.

    It's not fair to them to just have them because someone else wants them. It's not fair to yourself to go without children if you figure out motherhood is what you need to feel complete in life.

    YOU need to decide by yourself what YOU want. He needs to figure out what the heck HE wants. Then you guys need to discuss it together and figure out how those two very important personal needs can be met.

    The way you think about kids shows immaturity and inexperience in the matter. That's not BAD. Maybe you need to spend some time around kids of different ages to really know how you feel about it. Maybe you need to imagine a life without kids and see how you feel about that. Talk to parents or non-parents of different ages and see what they have to say.

    In my mind, kids are smelly, messy, loud, unpredictable, and all those things. And that is part of WHY I want kids. It will be a huge responsibility, but it's guaranteed to be quite an adventure. There's no way to know who they will become. To me, that's a great thing. It's wonderful and amazing. To you, that might be more of a risk than you really want to take.
    Anniversary
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bf-keeps-changing-his-mind-kids?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:114d0dbd-3e9c-4f07-b980-d28730ff09dcPost:e0190aca-e50b-4f2f-96fe-db783deac86d">Re: BF keeps changing his mind about kids</a>:
    [QUOTE]No, YOU need to make up your mind without him. This is something YOU either want or don't want... and maybe you're just too young to know. In which case, tell him that. It could have a HUGE effect on the relationship later. Especially if you guys get married and one of you decides you WANT kids, and the other decides they really DON'T. How would you handle that?

    But his decision is personal, and shouldn't influence yours. You shouldn't want kids just because he does (I understand it's not that black-and-white). You owe it to any future children to WANT them. 110% WANT them before they're ever conceived.

    It's not fair to them to just have them because someone else wants them. It's not fair to yourself to go without children if you figure out motherhood is what you need to feel complete in life.

    YOU need to decide by yourself what YOU want. He needs to figure out what the heck HE wants. Then you guys need to discuss it together and figure out how those two very important personal needs can be met.

    The way you think about kids shows immaturity and inexperience in the matter. That's not BAD. Maybe you need to spend some time around kids of different ages to really know how you feel about it. Maybe you need to imagine a life without kids and see how you feel about that. Talk to parents or non-parents of different ages and see what they have to say.

    <strong>In my mind, kids are smelly, messy, loud, unpredictable, and all those things. And that is part of WHY I want kids. It will be a huge responsibility, but it's guaranteed to be quite an adventure. There's no way to know who they will become. To me, that's a great thing. It's wonderful and amazing. To you, that might be more of a risk than you really want to take.</strong>
    Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]


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  • paintgirlpaintgirl member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Few thoughts:
    1. I'm glad you don't eat your family. That's a good start. Why the dogs killed the cats is hard to say, but there might be something wrong with your dogs. That's just weird.

    2. There is no guarantee your kids will take care of you when you're old. Frankly, that is an incredibly selfish reason to reproduce. Kids cost a LOT more than a decently-funded 401(K). Save the money you would spend on diapers, day care, clothing, food, school, after school events, college, etc, etc, and put it in a retirement plan. A well-managed retirement fund will take care of you. A child might have a family to take care of and stick you in a home.

    3. I can't believe no one has mentioned this. I think you said you've been late before. If you are THIS concerned that you could be pregnant, TRY DIFFERENT BIRTH CONTROL! Double up - use the pill and a condom. Or just don't have sex. But really, getting pregnant without meaning to is your big problem. Whether or not he wants kids can be dealt with in the future. Unless of course, you get knocked up.

    4. It's ok if you don't know yet whether you want children. I'm much older than you and don't know. (I figure if I keep procrastinating, mother nature will decide for me - I'll be too old.) So if you aren't sure, why are you stressing over him? Kind of silly. Decide what you want. Get a dog that doesn't kill cats - family or not. And give it a few years.

    Oh and seriously - double up. (And not on condoms - they'll break)
  • mythomanicmythomanic member
    10 Comments
    edited December 2011
    What Jeana and paintgirl said. Really.

    1) You seem to have some health problems - being irregular even on hormonal birth control is a red flag, PLEASE see your gyno!

    2) Are you engaged? Did you talk about this before you decided to get married? Does he realise his behaviour is confusing you? Because when you do have kids, you owe it to your future children to try and make sure their parents are in some sort of stable relationship.

    (And out of school. Kids don't leave you much time for homework. I have a friend who's actually managing to juggle a baby and senior year of undergrad, but she's superhuman, her husband is helping, and even she is doing senior year in two years.)

    3) "There are the drawbacks, like how kids are smelly, messy, noisy, annoying, always around, expensive, needy, etc."

    This might be what your BF is afraid of. It sounds like he likes the *idea* of kids *somewhere in the future*, but is not quite ready for the expense, annoyance, noise, mess, etc. But he really needs to decide for himself (not because of any family pressure or your mom's loony behavior) what he wants, and when he wants it.

    And then, independently of HIS decision, YOU need to decide for yourself how important having kids is to you.
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