Are we doing the RIGHT thing??

Steph131

My fiance & I are on a tight budget. We are planning a destination wedding. We plan on getting married on the beach, just our 5 person bridal party, parents & siblings present.

Then coming back home & 2 weekends later my parents want to throw us a welcome home the new mr & mrs picnic reception. It will some what run like a normal reception. The father daughter dance, throwing of the bouquet etc.

I have been told people are going to be mad they weren't invited out "wedding" but just invited to the reception. 

What do you think? Is it ok to have this or not? 

By having a destination wedding we are saving a ton of money. & getting our wedding plus honeymoon all at once. 

EDIT:

If we don't have the picnic my parents wont pay for anything...

I'm just worried people are going to be upset, not being invited to the "ceremony" but to a reception picnic.

We did the guest list  for all the people who we want to invite. We were up to almost 200  (80 of those just being close family I have a huge family 24 of those just being aunts & uncles) when we said why. Why are we paying for all these people to enjoy a sit down dinner?? Then paying for a honeymoon too? Why not just have the wedding were we want to start with. Which is on the beach. Have a sit down dinner with 20 people (bridal party, siblings, parents, grandparents) We can afford a nice sit down dinner with those 20 people.      Then come back & have a nice party with everyone!   

SaraAndrew2010

If your parents are hosting a party that is going to run like a normal reception, how is it saving you money?  A reception doesn't have to be super formal and fancy.  It's perfectly fine to have backyard BBQ reception.

mysticl

My step-sis and her husband got married in the Keys and then came home and threw a party.  But they didn't do wedding stuff. No first dance, father/daughter dance, tosses, or cake.  She wore capris and a top, not a gown or even a dress.  It was an awesome party.

mgietler76

I say just go for it! My FI's sister got married in Kansas with just her, her mother and her now husband. When they came back to NY they had a backyard reception with the father daughter dance and all. Nobody felt slighted and it was beautiful!

bigvoice3

Just make sure people know you were married somewhere else previously.

We got invited to an at home reception and the invite said "So and So were wed June 7, 2010 in the Bahamas.  Come celebrate with the newlyweds and their families and wish them well!" then the event details.  As long as people know you did a destination thing, I don't think most people will be upset.

trix1223

I know this is more common now, and I don't mean to rain on your parade, but there are those, and I'm one of them, that think the important part of the ceremony.  And if a couple doesn't feel that I should be invited to see you get married, then I almost certainly won't attend the "reception" afterward.  Sorry.

MVJP10

Sounds fine, as a guest I wouldn't be against it.

andy71781

I'd come and celebrate and eat bbq - no problem.

vsgal

I agree with Trix.  I am not a big fan of AHR. The point of the reception is to thank your guests for coming to the wedding. So, if you don't invite them to the wedding, you have nothing to thank them for, therefore negating the need for a reception at home. Personally, for me, an AHR is gift grabby.  They come across as the B&G don't think I should come to the wedding, but I can come to the party and bring a gift. 

Seriously, the cheapest part of the day is the ceremony, so I am curious how you are possibly saving money.  You have to travel to your destination, pay for  hotels and every meal out.  Having a ceremony in your home town will actually be cheaper.

desert*bride

It is not "gift-grabby" unless you are actually expecting gifts out of this.

why the hell would I not go to a reception for my friends? I think you are a shitty friend if you dont' go to their reception. Plus, it's a free party. I can't imagine ever being upset about a free party with friends.

It sounds great! Lots and lots of people are doing this.

Also, if you aren't opposed to other people coming to your destination wedding, you could always invite them. You can pretty much guarantee that they won't come.

quotequeen

Some people will probably be hurt and not understand why you couldn't just have your ceremony at the same time as this party and have them attend.  I also don't understand why you can't do that.

Beachy730

My parents were invited to a wedding like this.  It was one of my dad's friend's daughter.  They weren't invited to the wedding on a resort somewhere, but definitely wouldn't have went if they were.  However, since the wedding was out of the country, its not valid here.  So they did a very small quick ceremony at the reception site that made it official.  They made it very clear on the invites though that they were already "married" on a DW, and what they were doing with this wedding.  My parents weren't at all offended by it, but I can't speak for anyone else.

I truly don't understand the purpose of doing a DW then coming and having a full reception here.  The reception is the hard/expensive part to plan, so I don't understand why you wouldn't just get married here to begin with.  Where you marriage is also legal. 

hz80408

My bro and SIL did a DW wedding and then each set of parents hosted an "open house" for them  since my parents live in Midwest and her parents on the East Coast.  It was really informal, no dancing or anything and a good amount of people came.  However most were invited to the DW, but choose not to come.

babywolf77

I agree with several of the previous posts, I don't agree with doing a "reception" but I think you should do an open house or BBQ more informal "party" not a reception, and don't expect them to bring gifts.

vsgal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:45cbc661-0256-4537-a875-5a58cf13e9f3">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
[QUOTE]It is not "gift-grabby" unless you are actually expecting gifts out of this. why the hell would I not go to a reception for my friends? I think you are a shitty friend if you dont' go to their reception. Plus, it's a free party. I can't imagine ever being upset about a free party with friends. It sounds great! Lots and lots of people are doing this. Also, if you aren't opposed to other people coming to your destination wedding, you could always invite them. You can pretty much guarantee that they won't come.
Posted by desert*bride[/QUOTE]

To some people it comes off as gift grabby, especially if it is being billed as a reception.  Most people will not show up empty-handed.  Just because loads of people are doing it, does not make it right. 

If a bride/groom have a get together at home after a destination wedding, that is fine. Do a BBQ, show pics from the wedding, have a few drinks.   It gets sticky when the normal reception activities are done without extending an invite to all of the guests to the wedding.

Not condoning this situation does not make someone a bad friend.  It is not everyone's cup of tea and not everyone will respond positively to it.

kristinrotondo

I think most people would understand. A lot of people are doing it recently, to save money and because of a desire to keep the ceremony more intimate. I actually just went to a wedding this summer that was NOT a destination ceremony, but the couple still wanted family-only at the ceremony. 

Karen's MOH

Some people will definitely not like the idea, but I personally have no problem with it. I am actually invited to a similar kind of event-- the couple and their immediate families are getting married in a very small destination ceremony, then they have a full weekend of wedding events planned a week or so later. This is a pretty non traditional couple and they just wanted the small intimate ceremony and then a big party to celebrate will everyone. It's not about cost savings for them and I'm sure is actually costing them more. I'm actually really sad I can't go (it's across the country from me and two weeks before our wedding).

If you go this route though, I would probably limit some of the more "wedding-y" aspects of it and keep it casual. It sounds like a lot of fun to me.

Belle2Be

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:45cbc661-0256-4537-a875-5a58cf13e9f3">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
[QUOTE]It is not "gift-grabby" unless you are actually expecting gifts out of this.<strong> why the hell would I not go to a reception for my friends? I think you are a shitty friend if you dont' go to their reception. </strong>Plus, it's a free party. I can't imagine ever being upset about a free party with friends. It sounds great! Lots and lots of people are doing this. Also, if you aren't opposed to other people coming to your destination wedding, you could always invite them. You can pretty much guarantee that they won't come.
Posted by desert*bride[/QUOTE]

This. I personally see no problem with it, it's more like a "celebrate the wedding of" party than an actual reception :D

WEEZIE918

I think some people woud be fine with, but some people may be offended.  You aren't going to be able to make everyone happy.

I was actually planning on doing the same thing, but changed my mind.  We are planning on getting married in Monterey, CA (we live in So Cal - Monterey is about a 6 hour drive).  My thoughts were that most people wouldn't make the trip up there, so instead of them missing out on wedding things, I'd do it back at home any have a backyard reception.  I was planning on wearing my dress again, doing the first dance, cake etc.  It's not that I didn't want them to come to the ceremony, I just didn't want them to feel obligated to make the drive and incur the costs of the trip.  I figured it would show them they are important to me and the only thing they'd miss was the ceremony and I was planning on showing the video of it at the reception. 

Although some of my girl friends thought doing a full on reception home would be fine, neither my mom NOR my FI were into it!!  They had different reasons though.

I personally wouldn't be offended by it, but you arent going to please everyone.  I suggest doing what YOU feel comfortable with.  Good Luck!!!  : )

kimp67

I don't see anything wrong with it!

AdeleDazeem

As someone doing the destination wedding (immediate family only, 13 people) followed by an at home reception (larger cocktail party), I have heavily worried about both sides of the argument.

But here's the truth: the ceremony part to me is exceedingly private.  I don't want hundred of eyes staring at me while I say vows with my fiance.  I simply don't.  People can think that is the important part, etc... but to me, the ceremony is about my immediate family coming together with his immediate family and us saying we'll be together for life.  That is intensely private for me.  I also don't want a production made out of my wedding day.  I want to sit on the beach, have a drink, get my hair done, and then have a relaxed ceremony.  I hate when people are all "why don't you just have it here with all those extra people you'll invite to the AHR?"  Maybe we thought of that already and don't want that.

On the other hand, we have friends who want to celebrate.  We have extended family who want to celebrate.  I'm all for celebrating that we just made this huge commitment so we're going to have an AHR (but no reception elements except for cake).  If people are going to be upset, it's okay.  They obviously don't have to attend, but there are others who don't care and WANT to come.  I realize there is a divide on this topic and it's okay.

You've heard many feelings in this thread and they represent lots of your guests.  I think as long as you go into it with eyes open (some RSVP regrets, no registry), then it will be fine.  

shericamarie

i think it is fine.  it is very common to do small destination weddings and then have an "at home" party.  

many people wouldn't want to pay for coming to the destination wedding anyway.

CA2MT4EveR

I believe the polite thing to do is invite people to the ceremony.  Most will probably choose not to attend, but if they do, that's on their dollar, not yours.

If you have your ceremony then come home and have a reception, I see it as tiered and therefore unacceptable. 

redheadfsu

a DW and then an AHR is fine. But, the first dance, bouquet, etc is awkward IMO. You are being non-traditional by having a DW, so the "traditional" wedding stuff makes it seem strange.

megk8oz

I don't really have a problem with this sort of thing overall, but here are a few things that bug me:

When a couple claims they "did it to save money". No. Like PP said, the ceremony is pretty much the "cheapest" part of the day financially. So to have a casual party back at home when you just paid to fly halfway around the world to get married and have an awesome vacation, instead of just spending the $500 to get married at a local park or whatever and claim you're doing it to "save money" sounds like a total cop-out to me. I'm an adult, I know how to do basic math, and I'm mature enough to understand if somebody just admits "We wanted a smaller ceremony/ to get married in the Bahamas/We didn't want 200 people watching us get married".

I also don't like when the at home "party" gets turned into a traditional wedding reception with BMs in matching dresses, and bouquet tosses. Like PP said: you're not having a traditional ceremony, so having a traditional reception just seems odd. Keep it casual: wear a really nice party dress, even have the fancy cake (And make a big moment out of cutting it), but cut the other "traditional" reception stuff. The day of your party is not your wedding day, treating it as such is just silly.

julieandjojo

I personally think you should go for it...if you know your family well, and I'm assuming your parents don't think the family will be offended since it was their idea... My FI & I had something similar in mind but ended up going more "traditional" with lots of pressure from my family. Now we are paying for the majority of our wedding, as we planned to with the original idea, but since it's more traditional and fancy and will include everyone, it is not cheap lol even though we are trying to be as budget-concious as possible. I'm excited for our wedding, but we still have those days where we look back and say "I wish we had done so-and-so." I know once the wedding happens we will be thrilled & enjoy it but it is setting us back financially & if I did not luckily get a full time job this year, my FI would have been working 18 hour days 4 out of 7 days a week until the wedding. If your family and his family are, for the most part, cool with the idea then do it!! You will be 100% satisfied if you do it YOUR way.

MyNameIsNot

I don't think you should try to make it like a reception.  A welcome home/wish the newlyweds well party is fine.  But making it into a reception for guests that weren't close enough to get invited to the actual wedding turns it into a consolation prize.

An AHR for people that couldn't make it to the wedding is fine.  But an AHR for people that weren't invited to the wedding is not.

quotequeen

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:ed7ae570-b68e-4965-ad23-e799a1e94b04">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
[QUOTE]As someone doing the destination wedding (immediate family only, 13 people) followed by an at home reception (larger cocktail party), I have heavily worried about both sides of the argument. But here's the truth: the ceremony part to me is exceedingly private.  I don't want hundred of eyes staring at me while I say vows with my fiance.  I simply don't.  People can think that is the important part, etc... but to me, the ceremony is about my immediate family coming together with his immediate family and us saying we'll be together for life.  That is intensely private for me.  I also don't want a production made out of my wedding day.  I want to sit on the beach, have a drink, get my hair done, and then have a relaxed ceremony. <strong> I hate when people are all "why don't you just have it here with all those extra people you'll invite to the AHR?"  Maybe we thought of that already and don't want that.</strong> On the other hand, we have friends who want to celebrate.  We have extended family who want to celebrate.  I'm all for celebrating that we just made this huge commitment so we're going to have an AHR (but no reception elements except for cake).  If people are going to be upset, it's okay.  They obviously don't have to attend, but there are others who don't care and WANT to come.  I realize there is a divide on this topic and it's okay. You've heard many feelings in this thread and they represent lots of your guests.  I think as long as you go into it with eyes open (some RSVP regrets, no registry), then it will be fine.  
Posted by Joy2611[/QUOTE]

I recognize that some people just don't want a lot of eyes at their ceremony.  And that's fine, but they also need to accept that some people are going to be hurt that they weren't invited to witness the actual wedding.  If you're ok with that, great, but it's just as ridiculous to respond that "if they were really your friends they'd understand," as some people on this thread have indicated.

The only time I react as above is when people claim it's about the money.  There's very little added expense to simply doing the ceremony as a part of that same AHR you are already planning.  Almost certainly cheaper than doing the AHR plus a destination ceremony, no matter how small.

martin5280

You should do what you and your FI feel comfortable doing. Afterall, this whole process should be about the two of you coming together as a couple and making the most important commitment in life to each other. As long as the two of you and your families are comfortable, that's what matters. If you have the right friends in your life, they are going to love and support you anyway.

meels104

My Fiance and I were thinking about doing the same thing. Getting married on the beach then coming back for the reception/party. We have been engaged since Dec and the more I think about it...the more I want to get married here in KY. With close friends and family.....I really want to share that moment with everyone....
Any affordable nice place to get married in Lexington???
What should I do????
Help!

JenO24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:ababc493-b39d-4da2-aa30-7f71c4ff0bdc">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
[QUOTE]a DW and then an AHR is fine. But, the first dance, bouquet, etc is awkward IMO. You are being non-traditional by having a DW, so the "traditional" wedding stuff makes it seem strange.
Posted by redheadfsu[/QUOTE]

THIS!

If you guys want to do a AHR then go for it.  People will understand, if they're told, that you had a DW with family and this is just a celebration of your marriage with friends and family.