Wedding Vows & Ceremony Discussions

Are we doing the RIGHT thing??

2

Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??

  • I'm confused....don't a LOT of knotties and other brides have DWs and then at home receptions?

    IMO, it's fine. Ceremonies are very personal, between husband and wife. That's why LDS sealing ceremonies are usually just husband and wife. If you want to have just your closest people there, and then celebrate at home, then so be it! I'd come, and I'd bring a very nice gift. I'd be annoyed if someone didn't bring a gift. It's still a wedding reception.

    Also, you should check this post out. 80% of the knotties who participated said you can rewear your dress, which I assume means you can treat it like a regular wedding reception

    http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_attire-accessories_can-wear-dress-two-weeks-later
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:f7358400-c4cf-4166-a8ef-1e272c81cf3a">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
    [QUOTE]Some people will probably be hurt and not understand why you couldn't just have your ceremony at the same time as this party and have them attend.  I also don't understand why you can't do that.
    Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]
    I agree with this.  No one will feel slighted and it will save the people who would have attended your DW a shiit load of money.  No offense but I went to a DW and am still a little bitter about how much someone else's wedding cost FI and me.
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  • sabatronsabatron member
    100 Comments
    edited August 2010
    The whole thing sounds incredibly awkward. 

    It's like you're doing everything in reverse.  I would be very confused if I was invited to a wedding picnic where the bride and groom are already back from their honeymoon. People won't know what to wear or if they should bring gifts or not.  They'll also feel somewhat like an afterthought. It's one thing to have an ad-lib, casual barbeque type of get together a couple weeks later with no wedding festivities planned, it's another to have people attend a nebulously perceived picnic with a father/daughter dance and bouquet toss after you've been on your honeymoon.
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  • AdeleDazeemAdeleDazeem member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited August 2010
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:9285608c-c2e4-4c1c-b1ee-cfeab8c9fcbd">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing?? : I recognize that some people just don't want a lot of eyes at their ceremony.  And that's fine, but they also need to accept that some people are going to be hurt that they weren't invited to witness the actual wedding.  If you're ok with that, great, but it's just as ridiculous to respond that "if they were really your friends they'd understand," as some people on this thread have indicated. The only time I react as above is when people claim it's about the money.  There's very little added expense to simply doing the ceremony as a part of that same AHR you are already planning.  Almost certainly cheaper than doing the AHR plus a destination ceremony, no matter how small.
    Posted by quotequeen[/QUOTE]

    I agree with what you have to say here, qq.  My reponse is heavily colored by my own thoughts on the subject so I'm not objective.  I'm glad other people are!
  • my cousin did this, he and his wife got married in Vegas this was a second wedding for her but anyways they had a back yard bbq that was sooo much fun!! we had food, cake, and a dj! honestly do what makes you happy!

  • The reception is a celebration of a marriage, not just a way to thank people for coming to a wedding. Just because you choose to do a DW and choose not to invite everybody (many would probably not be able to go anyway), does not mean you and your marriage don't deserve to be celebrated. Go for it! Surely there will be some people that understand and will be happy to attend, and others that think it is wrong. But even if you did the ceremony and reception in a traditional manner, certain personality types will always find something to whine about in terms of how you do your wedding. It is Your special day, not theirs- do it how you want. And when it comes to gifts, many people will still want to give you something. This can get tricky, but I would just let people ask the host where you are registered. This way people don't feel obligated, but IMHO people who want to give you a gift will, and people who don't want to won't.

  • I think it is totally fine to have a destination wedding and then a reception back home, but more because you would just rather get married on the beach, not because you want to save money. I dont think you will be saving any money whatsoever, and may even be spending more. If the beach is your #1 choice for your ceremony then go for it and explain that to your invitees who would just attend the party a couple weeks later. However, if you think youre going to save money - you wont, so have it at home altogether for everyone to celebrate with you.  Best wishes!
  • Emily Post says this is PERFECTLY OK! Seriously.

    Others were correct, be sure the let everyone know you were married in a very small ceremony previously.

    If people are offended and do not attend, then that is their breach of ettiqute - not yours!

    Enjoy your day!
  • Renew your vows at the reception.  Boom, done!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/wedding-boards_ceremony-ideas_doing-right-thing?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Wedding%20BoardsForum:10Discussion:bdb366b7-7607-48d9-915c-955347f76468Post:f5e5d338-e33c-4dc0-93a2-609ab8a9155a">Re: Are we doing the RIGHT thing??</a>:
    [QUOTE]The point of the reception is to thank your guests for coming to the wedding.
    Posted by vsgal[/QUOTE]

    I thought the point of the reception was to celebrate the new marriage.  If some of your guests feel that entitled, you're better off without them anyway.

    Do whatever you want to do.  Its about what you and your fiance want, not selfish guests.
  • My Fi and I are getting married in my parents backyard (very small but very beautiful area) Our 7 children are our wedding party (none of the 7 is over 12 years old, the youngest is 1) Our parents, siblings, aunts and uncles are invited to the wedding.  Then we are having a reception where all of our extended family and friends are invited to.  Neither of us is very religious, so church wedding is out.  We live in a small town and there are not any other wedding venues available.  My parents backyard is gorgeous and they take a lot of pride in it but it is small.  No way would everyone be able to attend the wedding, they'd have to stand on top of each other. We want to celebrate with everyone we know and love which is why we are providing them with a free meal, some dancing and free booze.  If they are offended that they can't come see me say I do and not just enjoy the party....I don't really want them there!
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  • I see no problem with this.  I will be doing the same thing.  Each family will host a simple party upon our return from the destination wedding to allow those who could not make the wedding a chance to still celebrate with us.  Cost for a destination wedding is dramatically less than a tradational wedding.  I will be having around 100 people at my DW but will only be spending less than half of what it would have costed me for a traditional wedding for over 200.  I priced out both and sometimes cost does have to be a factor when you have a large family. 

    No one in my extended family is upset about this they understand that we are only inviting so many people.  I think people would be more upset if you don't do anything when you return to include them in some part of it.
  • I say do whatever makes you and your "husband-to-be" happy.

    If you choose to go with the bbq after you get back from your trip, could you maybe record your ceremony and play it back when you have the bbq? That way it would be almost like having all your friends and family there...
  • Why don't you have the destination wedding as planned (which sounds really nice and romantic btw) and then have a second ceremony before the reception at home? Since you won't need an officiant (since you are already married), you could ask a close friend to officiate the ceremony, which is very personal. And you could have fun with it and do a completely different ceremony, maybe incorporating elements that didn't fit at the beach (e.g. unity candle instead of sand ceremony).

    My husband and I had two complete weddings, too, though for different reasons. We first got married in Europe in a very traditional fancy ceremony and formal reception (which is A LOT cheaper there then in the US...btw) with only my family and friends (I grew up around there). Since we have as many family and friends (mostly his side) in the US, we are planning a complete second ceremony and reception here...this time with a tropical theme, steel drums, fire dancers...you name it! The ceremonies will have nothing in common except the dress, the vows and the rings. And we won't show any pictures or update our status to married on facebook until everyone has celebrated with us. Just not take anything away from the second wedding, which is as important than the firs, "legal" wedding to us. Price-wise it was about the same like having one big event, because most of the cost comes with the number of guests and the destination wedding was cheaper then the one at home because there was no extra $ attached to everything wedding related like it is done in the US.

    In any case, do whatever makes you two happy and worry about your guests later. It is your day and you should have no regrets afterwards.


  • The question moreso is, are you doing the right thing for you and your husband? Yes, a wedding is a celebration that people like to be involved in, but every couple is different and needs to decide for themselves what will work best for them. I have two anecdotes to show how your wedding can work:

    1) Film it! My best friend's dad remarried a few years ago. It was a destination wedding and it was only him, his new bride and the celebrant. They had the camera on a tripod :) Throughout the honeymoon they used the camera to film the beautiful sunsets and their exotic meals. Afterward they had a viewing party/reception with family and friends. We all got to watch their wedding anyway, and eat cake!

    2) My brother and his wife married this past spring in a historical mansion. The reception room fit hundreds but the little library they wanted to marry in only fit 40. They invited only their family and closest friends to the actual wedding and had everyone else come a few hours later to the swing dance reception.

    A video that can be shown later will let people still feel like they got to see everything. Thank everyone for being able to come to the after celebration that marks you and your guy as husband and wife. Let them know how much it means to you that they've been with you since before the wedding and will be there for many more years to come. Or something. Make it sappy. People like sap.

    Have your destination wedding and eat it too!
  • It is absolutely fine to do that!  i have friends who were in the middle of planning their wedding set for next year, saw the money going out and out, and stopped and changed plans.  They are now getting married in a destination and then will have a reception at a local park a few weeks later with a BBQ place catering.  No dj, just friends and famly chilling.  So it is totally up to you and people will understand :)
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  • We're doing the same thing, but our "reception" is not formal and will not contain any of the traditional features of a reception.  It's going to be very informal, maybe pulled pork sandwiches or meatballs or some kind of appetizer type event.

    Our DW is going to be very small (7 guests, with only two of them being non-blood related but have been in our lives for so long that they are like family).  My FI is a very private person and we both hate being the center of attention.  Saying our vows is an emotional, intensely private thing, so having just our family there is all we want.  But we still want to celebrate with our extended family and friends when we get home, so a little get-together at our house is a great choice for us.

    As far as the cost, I really believe the DW is cheaper, even including our AHR.  The average wedding here is $20,000 and up.  So far, with the flight and hotel for 9 nights, wedding attire (we're wearing flip flops), rental car, etc., we aren't even close to $5,000.  But our ceremony is very no-frills, so it truly is what you make of it.
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  • A lot of times I have noticed that people actually skip the wedding and just go to the reception.  I would NEVER do that, but a lot of people do.  Therefore, they'd probably be relieved to only be invited to a reception.  Who doesn't like a party, right?

    However, I don't think your parents should put anything about where you are registered in their invitation.  If people ask, then they can tell them, but if you're not using the party to "fish" for gifts and people are being invited just to celebrate with you, I don't see how anyone would be the least bit offended.  Most people couldn't have afforded going to your destination wedding anyway and then would have been in a bad situation of trying to figure out if they should go or not go.  You saved them the trouble.  Plus, your parents paying for the reception means you don't have to....I'm paying for mine and sometimes I think it would have been great to keep that money, but I'm looking forward to it, so it's worth it to me.
  • I think that you should do whatever you want to do and if that is more affordable for you then I say go for it no matter what anyone thinks or says, because it is your day NOT THEIRS and it is one day that is all about you. They can have opinion but they dont have the right to tell you what to do for your wedding. They can save their ideas for their own wedding. My fiance and I are planning something similiar to what you guys have, expect ours is still going to be in the city but down by the river in the middle of august and we are only inviting close family and friends and then the reception is something that everyone can be invited to. But dont let anything that anyone tells you make you think that you have to plan your day a certain way to please everyone else. The only people it should really be pleasing is you and your fiance.

  • Oh Geez, go for it! Sounds like a great idea. I don't think people will be upset. I think they will be happy that they get to share in the party part afterwards. Do it and have fun. Don't be so worried what everyone else thinks. Its your wedding. Do it how you want!
  • I agree 100%.  Go for destination and have a reception at home.... very common and understandable.  Remember, you're the bride!!
  • My sister just recently got married. She had a ceremony on a Friday with just the parents.  I'll be honest in saying I was a little bummed that I couldn't go to the ceremony. But as a Bride to be I understand that you have to do your wedding your way- do let anyone force you into having it some other way. The next day she had a big party and invited all of the family and friends. Everyone had fun and it took a lot of pressure off of them. Neither the bride  nor groom wanted to be the total center of attention- they wanted to relax and have a good time.
  • I think it is really old fashioned to get offended by this.  I would just be excited that I got to celebrate with them even if I wasnt invited to the wedding.  I had a friend that got married in Virginia because that is where they now live, but they have so many family members still living up here in Michigan that they did the reception here and I think that was a great idea.  I think it was better to have the big reception later rather than only having a super small wedding somewhere else and basically saying to everyone "we don't think you were special enough to be invited."  So I say GO FOR IT!
  • i think what you're doing is fine. my BFF is getting married in hawaii but obviously can't invite the 200 people she wants. she's paying for everything out there. when they get back they'll have another reception for everyone else. if someone is upset about that, i say TOO BAD. its your wedding, and not theirs. they should be more understanding.
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  • For one thing, if it your parents who want to (and therefore are contributing) to the reception, I see no problems with this...I am almost did it myself.  There were just a few family members who I knew wouldn't be able to make it to the destination that I really wanted there.

    If the "gift-grabby" is an issue, I would find it totally acceptable to state that you are not expecting gifts on the invitation, but I am also not hyper-traditionalist.

    Technically, to me, the ceremony really is about you two and the party is for everyone to be involved (again, not hyper-traditionalist).  One would hope that your friends and family members would know and understand you well enough to not only respect your decision, but to join in and enjoy the fun reception!
  • I think it's kind of weird that people get all snotty about not being invited to a ceremony.  Everyone rants and raves about how it's YOUR wedding and you should do what you want, but then they turn around and say they'll refuse to come a reception if they weren't invited to the ceremony beforehand.

    I live in the Netherlands, and here it's quite common to invite people for just parts of the day.  Some people are invited for the ceremony and the reception later, and some people for the ceremony and dinner, and some people for just the reception.  I still think this is weird, but it takes a lot of the indignation out of not being invited to everything when it's so normal here.  Personally, I think I would like to have a picnic or party because I would like to include the rest of my family/friends, but it's up to you guys.  You can also set the date for several months after the wedding to give you time to 'recover' from the expenses and travel.  It's your wedding--it's up to you!
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  • I can totally understand the DW/Honeymoon combo idea.  You're basically killing two birds with one stone by having the DW where you're honeymoon will be.  And since having a picnic reception is the only way you're parents will help out with the wedding, it's perfectly ok to be doing this.  Besides, if this recession has affected you the way it has affected most, money for the wedding isn't as plentiful as you had hoped for.  So parents chipping in is vital.  If you REALLY are worried about people being offended about not being invited to the DW, then invite them with the given knowledge that they're paying their own way to get there, along with meals and such.  Probably not many invited will go b/c of the cost, but at least they were invited.   Also, you can consider having a videographer at the DW to record it, then burn copies on your computer and send them out to family and friends.  That way they can still see the wedding with the reassurance that you wanted to share that moment with them.  

    But if your family and friends are any kind of decent, they should accept your wedding plans no matter what.  They should also know by being invited to the reception that you still want them to share in your wedding.  B/c let's be realistic: most people won't invite just anyone to a wedding ceremony or reception.  They want their family and closest friends to share it with.  Just inviting anyone they know will make it awkward and uncomfortable, and everyone knows that.  If anyone you invite to the reception gets all "bent out of shape" because they weren't invited to the DW, even after you've explained your reasoning with them, then they may not be as close a friend as you thought (sadly).
  • The point of having ppl at our wedding is for them to be close and personally friends and/or family. If someone  is upset about not being at the ceremony they will get over it. Most ppl just want to see the bride and groom together celebrating their decision to share the rest of their lives together.

    If this is an serious issue for you, you could always have someone record the ceremony and play it back at the reception. It doesn't even have to be a professional videographer... maybe one of the other attendants can take a personal camera with them. Just a little editing and added music... bam! Problem solved
  • I actually think this is a great idea. I recently made friends with a couple who got married in Hawaii. Knowing that the majority of their friends and family wouldn't be able to afford a trip to Hawaii, they then came home and actually had two receptions (hosted by each one's parents): one in LA where she's from, and one in Kansas where he's from. It sounded like fun to me, and my friend was really excited that she got extra use out of her dress (because we all know how expensive it is to buy that dress and only wear it for a couple of hours).

    As a guest, I would actually be relieved for something like this. Some other friends of mine got married a couple years ago in NY, and I couldn't afford to make the trip, and the result was that I was left out of everything and couldn't participate in their marriage celebrations at all.

    Some people may be weird about it, but to your friends who are broke, they will be appreciative, I guarantee.

  • I think you need to do whatever you feel comfortable with.   My Fi and I probably did something more people would consider strange. We just threw an engagement picnic and invited everyone we would have if we were doing the big wedding.  90% of them won't be invited to the wedding because we are getting married on a cruise ship with immediate family & best friends only.   We threw the picnic so our friends and family could meet and have a good time.   I'm sure some people thought it was odd at first, but everyone who came said they had a great time and one couple even said they were going to tell their daughter how we were doing it. Yes, some people brought gifts, but otheres didn't.   A few wedding like things happened, but that was because of the guests.  They wanted us to do a cake cutting (we had a big sheet cake) and pounded on the table til we kissed.

    Our original plan was to do a party when we got back, but we're getting married in Feb due to work schedules and wanted to have an outdoor party.  We wanted to celebrate with friends & family, but for various reasons neither wanted a big todo on the big day.  For us it's how it worked best. 
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