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Vent/Advice (again?)

I promise I'm not a big mess like this all the time!

So I talked to that friend (I made a previous thread about) about how I knew she was upset with me and was talking about me to her newer, not so nice friend. I told her if she was upset with me, she could talk to me.
And so she did.

Point one: She was upset I was completely uninterested in coming to this drunken blow out her new friend is throwing for her birthday. 
I told her that, honestly, I didn't want to go because I'm not really a drinker and not super comfortable drinking/being around drunk people I don't know well and that I wanted to do something smaller like we did last year for her birthday and mine.

Then she brings up how she thinks I'm ashamed of her and how she thinks I'm thinking (see all of this she thinks i think?) she drinks a lot/too much.
Which I do, and I told her that. But I told her she lives her own life, etc. and I'm not any less of her friend.

She was all about me being honest, which I was and this didn't satisfy her either, and now she's really upset with me and I'm half tempted to say that I'm sorry I was wrong and mean and your right and the queen of the world. 

Should I have just left it alone and let her be upset with me, or did I do the right thing? Because I feel all kinds of wrong right now. 

I talked to the BF about it, and he thinks that as long as we don't involve other people, we should be able to work it out. But I wanted the opinion of all of you honest ladies. I'm sorry if I sound pathetic and/or petty, but I'm just so unsure. 

Re: Vent/Advice (again?)

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    heyimbrenheyimbren member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    The thing about her birthday is that she can do what she wants for it. It's up to you whether or not you come.

    It kind of sounds to me, without knowing much about your relationship besides your two posts about it, that you two are just growing apart as you get older. That happens, you two seem to have different interests right now.

    I think being honest in communication is positive, even if someone doesn't like it. But it can also make a big difference about how you communicate things to her. Maybe she just feels criticized by you pointing out how she shouldn't be drinking as much or getting married so soon. Both are valid concerns, but she can make her own decisions.
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    Elle1036Elle1036 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    So you've both gotten your feelings out and been honest, and that didn't fix everything.  Possibly now the only thing to do is just wait it out.  Give all the hurt feelings a chance to die down and the reevaluated the situation in a week or two.

    Honestly, it may be that you guys are just growing apart.  Your interests and personalities are changing (college has a way of doing that to people) to the point that they just don't match up anymore.  It's nothing to be ashamed of, it's nobody's fault, and fighting it only means pain for everyone.

    Just let things take their natural course.  If you're meant to stay best friends, you will.
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    edited December 2011
    I agree with PP's, through what you've told us it seems as if you've just grown apart.  I've been in a situation like that before and it sucks, it feels like breaking up.  But after a while you realize that it's for the best.  Good luck. 
    Daisypath Vacation tickers 4 Leaf Clover
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    desertsundesertsun member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think she gets to decide what SHE wants to do for her b-day. Honestly, I think you should go. There is no reason you HAVE to get really drunk, right? So just go, hang out for a bit, show her you're making the effort to be there for her, and then leave early if you want to. Sometimes being a friend is about doing things you don't want to or aren't comfortable doing.

    Second, I agree with Bren -- being honest isn't just about being honest. You need to carefully consider HOW you say things, too. 

    It's natural to find it a little uncomfortable when people get upset with you over your honesty. We all need friends, and it can be scary to feel like you're possibly losing a friend by being honest. What you need to keep in mind is that the best kind of friends can have that kind of honesty and openness and find that it brings them closer instead of driving them apart. Okay? 

    So, as Elle said, give your friend some time to think about what you said and to calm down, and then check back in with her and make sure you've resolved things and can move ahead. You don't want any lingering resentment or hurt, b/c that can kind of fester and then erupt at weird times.

    I think you did the right thing, but it's always good to be able to look back and evaluate your words and actions and see how you can improve next time, and be sure there isn't anything you might want to clarify.


    Baby Birthday Ticker Ticker


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    edited December 2011
    Thanks again for the advice everyone! 

    I stayed up last night not able to go to sleep and thought about it. I agree with everyone: we definitlely are growing apart. And once I found myself accepting the fact, it was easier to pin point the main reasons why we are and that made everything a lot easier. 

    I have a problem with 100% honesty, because when immediately asked for it, I can never seem to say what I really feel without sounding like a real b*tch! So I think thats why she may have gotten really upset, because even though she *wanted* me to be honest I couldn't convey in a nicer way why I felt a certain way. 

    Last night she had sent me her qualms about our friendship, and so after thinking about it, I sent her a message this morning explaining from my point of view why things are the way they are. I also apologized for being harsh in what I was saying. And reminded her that I do care about her. 
     
    You guys have a really awesome way of helping me open my eyes to what I need to see. 

    Thanks for the advice again! 
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