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Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?

Okay ladies, I have a problem!  My boyfriend and I are most likely getting married.  It's just a matter of time as he is in the military and I'm in college!  So my problem is that the engagement ring he's planning on giving me was his mom's and grandma's!  I love the idea of wearing an heirloom ring, I think it's so special, but its nothing like what I want.  It's a  gold band, has a ruby in it, and small gold flakes hammered into the band that were given to his grandma by his grandpa.  I don't wear gold, like not at all, ever!  Rubies have never been my favorite. To me (and my mom) it looks really dated and not very pretty. 

What would you do?  Should I just be a big girl and accept it, or should I carefully say something to him?  If so, what would be a good way to do it?  Thanks ahead of time!! 

Any thoughts are appreciated! :)
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Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?

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    Why don't you tell him that you'd be honored to have it, but it's really not your style.

    Maybe you should go look at rings together so he can get an idea of what you like.  Maybe he'll find something he likes better as well.

    How old are you?  How long have you and the BF been together?
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/local-wedding-boards_idaho_introduce-yourself?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Local Wedding BoardsForum:78Discussion:a62af60e-3a39-47a1-a6c0-326fd3bcef77Post:ca5c628f-605c-493a-818f-216bfbcffb14">Re: Introduce Yourself!</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey Ya'll!!  I'm Liz!  I live down in Worley! (south of CDA)  I'm not actually engaged yet, but will be within the next year or so!  :)  I met my boyfriend while at a camp in Colorado!  He lives in Texas, unfortunately, so we are in a LDR!  He will be shipping out for Marine boot camp July 2011!   It will more than likely be his career, so I will be a military wife!  I never would have pictured myself as one, but can't imagine my life any differently now!! He's an amazing guy and i love him very much!!  I truly believe in love at first sight!! Anyway, I am interested in wedding planning!  And will probably be getting my wedding planner's certification in the next year or so!  I'm super excited!!  Other than that, I enjoy working with and riding my 3 horses!  Baking and cake decorating are some of my favorite passtimes!!  I also enjoy reading, making jewelry, and spending time with my family!! 
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]

    Also, you should calm down with the exclamation points.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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    Honesty is always a good idea. Tell him what you told us. Be nice, be tactful, find a compromise.


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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:9fa6ac92-918b-447f-885c-968187f13bec">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Introduce Yourself! : Also, you should calm down with the exclamation points.
    Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

    <div>Haha.  Yes, there are other ways to end sentences.</div><div>
    </div><div>Do you have a picture of this ring you don't like?  I think it sounds interesting.</div>
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    qhcowgirl93qhcowgirl93 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2012
    Thanks for your advice!  I'm sorry for all the exclamation points in that post you brought up.  I was just excited!

    My boyfriend and I will both be 19 in March.  We will have been together for two years July 2nd of this year.  However, we probably won't be getting married for another year or two.  However, it could be sooner.   :)
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:736c864c-d811-4f5e-8adf-f82cc1b0fa41">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for your advice!  I'm sorry for all the exclamation points in that post you brought up.  I was just excited!<strong> My boyfriend and I will both be 19 in March</strong>.  We will have been together for two years July 2nd of this year.  However, we probably won't be getting married for another year or two.  However, it could be sooner.   :)
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]

    <div>Oh wow.  Siriusly?</div><div>
    </div><div>Don't get married sooner.  Wait at least two years.  Please.</div>
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    I know, we're young.  I appreciate your concern, but you don't know me, my boyfriend, our family, our situation, or the way we were raised and if your only basing it off our age (which will be at least 20 before we're actually married) I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself.  Thanks!  :)
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:9eb80b29-8881-42a2-a45a-36e0eac4b6a1">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know, we're young.  I appreciate your concern, but you don't know me, my boyfriend, our family, our situation, or the way we were raised and if your only basing it off our age (which will be at least 20 before we're actually married) I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself.  Thanks!  :)
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]
    Bad choice.  It is never a good idea to tell anyone to keep it to themselves.  This is a public forum, people will post what they want.

    On the other hand I think the ring sounds beautiful and would like to see a picture of it.  Since you are some time away from being married I wouldn't worry about if you will like it right now.
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:9eb80b29-8881-42a2-a45a-36e0eac4b6a1">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know, we're young.  I appreciate your concern, but you don't know me, my boyfriend, our family, our situation, or the way we were raised and if your only basing it off our age (which will be at least 20 before we're actually married) I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself.  Thanks!  :)
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]

    <div>Oh, yes.  The "you don't know me" rationale.  I've never heard that before.</div><div>
    </div><div>Just answer this:  how will it benefit you guys to get married sooner rather than later?  What's the harm in waiting?</div>
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:9eb80b29-8881-42a2-a45a-36e0eac4b6a1">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know, we're young.  I appreciate your concern, but you don't know me, my boyfriend, our family, our situation, or the way we were raised and if your only basing it off our age (which will be at least 20 before we're actually married) I would appreciate it if you kept it to yourself.  Thanks!  :)
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]

    Just because you put a smiley face at the end doesn't make you sound any less bratty.  Telling you to wait is exceptionally wise advice.  You are your bf are not unique special little snowflakes.  Every 19 year old with dream of getting married think their relationship is unique and that they are ready to get married.  Take a breath, maybe even take a xandax and don't be in such a hurry.
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    I would just sit down with him and tell him what you've told us. Make sure that he knows that it's nothing against the ring itself, just that it's not what you had in mind. Show him a few examples of rings that you do like.
    Wedding Countdown Ticker
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    Does anyone get what the deal is with the military kids up and getting married so incredibly young?  I mean I know people get married young for all kinds of reasons but I seem to see this a whole lot more in the military world especially Marines and Army.  I can only think it's the "I'm leaving and I want someone to come home to" mentality.

    Anyways OP has your BF brought up rings other than the family ring or did he make it seem like it was assumed you'd be getting that? 


    Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound bratty.  Thank you all for your concern and advice!  

    "Just answer this: how will it benefit you guys to get married sooner rather than later? What's the harm in waiting?"

    How much later are we talking?  Cause I think that 20 or 21 is a perfectly fine age to get married.  Am I wrong in thinking that? If so, what would your reasons be for waiting? 

    "You are your bf are not unique special little snowflakes. Every 19 year old with dream of getting married think their relationship is unique and that they are ready to get married."
     
    Yes I do want to get married!  I'm not saying we are perfect, nobody is and certainly no relationship is.  But I do think every relationship is unique.

     Thank you to everyone who gave me advice on the engagement ring!  I do not have a picture, but if I get one, I'll be sure to post it. 

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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:ca4af754-8e21-4f19-9823-ab0e034c7269">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm sorry, I didn't mean to sound bratty.  Thank you all for your concern and advice!   "Just answer this: how will it benefit you guys to get married sooner rather than later? What's the harm in waiting?" <strong>How much later are we talking?  Cause I think that 20 or 21 is a perfectly fine age to get married.  Am I wrong in thinking that? If so, what would your reasons be for waiting? </strong> "You are your bf are not unique special little snowflakes. Every 19 year old with dream of getting married think their relationship is unique and that they are ready to get married."   Yes I do want to get married!  I'm not saying we are perfect, nobody is and certainly no relationship is.  But I do think every relationship is unique.  Thank you to everyone who gave me advice on the engagement ring!  I do not have a picture, but if I get one, I'll be sure to post it. 
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I said "wait at least two years".  That would put you on the verge of being 21, no?  I still think 21 is really young for marrying, but I won't give you crap about it.</div><div>
    </div><div>What concerned me was the part of your earlier post where you said "it could be sooner".  Why would you want it to be sooner?  You never answered my question about <em>why</em> you would want to get married so young.</div><div>
    </div><div>The reasons for waiting are pretty simple:  you get to know yourself as an adult and are therefore less likely to make a horrible mistake at the altar.

    </div>
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    I met my FI when I was 19.  When we get married (in August), I'll be 24.  If he's the right one when you're 19, he'll be the right one when you're older.

    Get to know each other.  Live together.  Become financially independent.  THEN think about marriage.

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    I had a feeling you were a yungun...
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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    I met BF when I was 16.  I'm 24 now.  Still not engaged.  It would have been a HUGE mistake to get married at such a young age - we are different people now.  We've changed a lot in the last 7 years.

    Trust me, the world does not end if you wait.  
    image Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    "What concerned me was the part of your earlier post where you said "it could be sooner". Why would you want it to be sooner? You never answered my question about why you would want to get married so young. The reasons for waiting are pretty simple: you get to know yourself as an adult and are therefore less likely to make a horrible mistake at the altar."

    What exactly do I need to know about myself as an adult?  What kind of man I want?  What kind of career I'm gonna have?  Is that what you mean? 

    "Get to know each other. Live together. Become financially independent. THEN think about marriage."

    I think it is a very good idea for us to spend alot of time together before we get married.  However living together before marriage will never be an option and isn't necessary.     
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    My question still hasn't been answered.  This makes me sad.
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    qhcowgirl93qhcowgirl93 member
    First Comment
    edited February 2012
    "What concerned me was the part of your earlier post where you said "it could be sooner". Why would you want it to be sooner? You never answered my question about why you would want to get married so young."

    I would like to be done with college before I get married, which will probably happen in about a year. 
    As soon as I'm done, I would like to get married.  If there was a seriously good reason too, I wouldn't have a problem waiting. 

    "The reasons for waiting are pretty simple: you get to know yourself as an adult and are therefore less likely to make a horrible mistake at the altar."

    Could you answer my previous questions about this?  I'm really curious
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:22e2a6cb-bf89-4702-8a6b-8a897f576121">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]"What concerned me was the part of your earlier post where you said "it could be sooner". Why would you want it to be sooner? You never answered my question about why you would want to get married so young." I would like to be done with college before I get married, which will probably happen in about a year.   As soon as I'm done, I would like to get married.  I f there was a seriously good reason too, I wouldn't have a problem waiting.  "The reasons for waiting are pretty simple: you get to know yourself as an adult and are therefore less likely to make a horrible mistake at the altar." Could you answer my previous questions about this?  I'm really curious
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]

    Geeze, guys, she wants to get MURRIED!!!!!  Why don't you get it?

    ETA:  Oh, wow.  She changed the post before I quoted it.  It initially said that she wanted to be married by the time she was 21 and didn't see the point of waiting until 22 -24.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:38d0d17f-4c4b-4715-a9c9-87861ff3ca1e">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do? : Geeze, guys, she wants to get MURRIED!!!!!  Why don't you get it? ETA:  Oh, wow.  She changed the post before I quoted it.  It initially said that she wanted to be married by the time she was 21 and didn't see the point of waiting until 22 -24.
    Posted by SKP82[/QUOTE]

    <div>I don't see why waiting until you are past age 21 is such a terrible thing.  I originally wanted to be married as soon as I finished university (I was 22 when I finished).  I realized that was crazy once I was living on my own/supporting myself completely.  </div><div>
    </div><div>I'm 24, not engaged or married, and perfectly happy.  </div><div>
    </div><div>If you are looking for validation you won't find it here.</div>
    image Daisypath Anniversary tickers
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    I don't need validation.  I just wanted advice on the engagement ring.  That's all I was asking about in the first place!
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:220254b6-855e-40bf-9351-3d487ef3dcfb">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't need validation.  I just wanted advice on the engagement ring.  That's all I was asking about in the first place!
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]

    So sorry.  We're trying to help you, honestly.  21 is REALLY young to be married.  A lot of people who got married at 21 will now tell you (3, 4, 5 or more years later) that they wish they would have waited.

    You have your whole life ahead of you.  Don't rush into marriage, especially with someone you've been dating long distance for 2 years.

    BTW - I can COMPLETELY understand wanting to get married to go with him wherever he gets stationed because he's in the military.  I've been there, done that.  My now FI was stationed in Germany for 4 years while I was in the states.  It was hard, but so worth it.  There is NO reason to rush into things.  I promise.
    IMG_6364
    "Life is not orderly. No matter how we try to make life so, right in the middle of it we die, lose a leg, fall in love, drop a jar of applesauce." - Natalie Goldberg
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    bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited February 2012
    Hello OP. I've been where you are. I was 19 when I joined this board. BF and I wanted to wait until we were done with college to get married. Now we are both 21, I'm starting my master's degree and he is finishing up his bachelor's degree. We are hoping to get married next summer. We will be 22/23. We aren't going to live together beforehand either and I don't think you need to. Sound like a similar? Yes? Ok. This is my advice having been where you are right now:

    I'm not going to tell you that 21 is too young to get married (obviously) but since it's a ways off try focusing on the right now in your relationship. Don't focus too much on getting engaged and married because it will drive you crazy! Focus on learning more about each other and growing/maturing together.

    And just something to think about - what you write on this board is the only thing we have to go off of when getting to know you and honestly you are coming off rather immature right now. I'm not saying you ARE immature, it's just the tone your posts are conveying.


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    Can you learn to use the quote function because I'm finding it hard to follow.

    Geez, Yaga.  You're so demanding.
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    Elle1036Elle1036 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited February 2012
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:22e2a6cb-bf89-4702-8a6b-8a897f576121">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]"What concerned me was the part of your earlier post where you said "it could be sooner". Why would you want it to be sooner? You never answered my question about why you would want to get married so young." I would like to be done with college before I get married, which will probably happen in about a year.   As soon as I'm done, I would like to get married.  I f there was a seriously good reason too, I wouldn't have a problem waiting.  "The reasons for waiting are pretty simple: you get to know yourself as an adult and are therefore less likely to make a horrible mistake at the altar." Could you answer my previous questions about this?  I'm really curious
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]

    This <em>still</em> doesn't anwer my question.  Yet, you demand answers from me for a question asked several posts later.  Weird.  Still, I'll play along.


    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:63df4715-caf5-47f5-8781-4d7a941821a3">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]"What concerned me was the part of your earlier post where you said "it could be sooner". Why would you want it to be sooner? You never answered my question about why you would want to get married so young. The reasons for waiting are pretty simple: you get to know yourself as an adult and are therefore less likely to make a horrible mistake at the altar." <strong>What exactly do I need to know about myself as an adult?  What kind of man I want?  What kind of career I'm gonna have?  Is that what you mean? </strong> "Get to know each other. Live together. Become financially independent. THEN think about marriage." I think it is a very good idea for us to spend alot of time together before we get married.  However living together before marriage will never be an option and isn't necessary.     
    Posted by qhcowgirl93[/QUOTE]

    Why yes, that is what I mean, in fact.  Believe it or not, the kind of man you want, the career you want, etc...  those things can change a <em>lot</em> in a short period of time.  Especially at your age.  You're not finished developing yet.  A lot of things in your life, including your personality, will change a lot by the time you turn 25.  I promise.

    I know it's not always smart to put too much stock in statistics, but there's a reason that the divorce rate increases as marriage age decreases.  And the way you've acted in this discussion suggests that you're not any more mature than the rest of the teenagers we get on here.
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    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_heirloom-engagement-ring-what-to-do?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:157653e9-88d7-4a53-8a34-22c962350c3cPost:23346350-76df-4421-b493-b1e265220df3">Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Heirloom Engagement Ring - What to do? : HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO KNOW WHO YOU ARE QUOTING ELLE?
    Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

    IT'S GREEN AND IT'S IN ITALICS.  WHAT MORE COULD YOU POSSIBLY WANT?
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    I don't know what the next years will bring. When I get married will be decided by my dad and mom and will not happen until they give their blessings! I'm sure that sounds super old fashioned to alot of you, but its the way my bf and I were raised. I don't need you to tell me I'm too young to get married.....my parents, family, and friends are the people who know me and my bf and can make accurate decisions on whether we are mature enough to get married. I'm sorry if I've come across as rude or bratty, I really really don't mean to be! I appreciate everything everyone has said!
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    A lot of military couples get married early because it's such a huge commitment to be in a military relationship. Under normal terms, yes HOLY CRAP you are young. But in a military relationship would any of you follow your boy around from state to state and country to country without having at least discussed, and more preferably commited to, having a long-term relationship. It's a complete dedication that many woman can't do (I know I probably couldn't) and therefore I see nothing unusual about your young age in this particular situation. 

    on another note, if you aren't openly discussing the ring but if you have any reason to suspect the one you don't like, it's easy enough to drop comments offhand, for example: if you're looking at jewelry (any jewelry) say "eh, gold is just not my thing" or "I like this, but I can't wear that color with my skin." he'll apply knowledge like that to his decision later; cause he's listening for your opinions. and the best part is you don't have to have the awkward conversation about the family heirloom. 
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