Am I Doomed?

Elle1036

To put it mildly, my family is not so great at marriages.  My mom's sister is on husband number 3, and one of her brothers is on wife number 4.  My own parents got divorced a couple years ago (mom was dad's second wife), and I just found out that my dad's brother, my favorite uncle, is getting divorced from his 2nd wife.  I love his wife.  They've been married for 15 years and have two beautiful kids who I also love, and I really thought that their marriage was in good shape.  Ugh.

Now, I can't imagine ever getting divorced from BF once we get married, but I'm also sure that pretty much everyone feels that way when they get married.  Lately, I'm starting to have doubts about how much I really know about marriage in the first place.  It's not like I had the best examples set for me growing up.  Has anybody else had thoughts like these?  Like they would rather just stay engaged forever rather than risk a failed marriage?  Ugh.

calindi

My boyfriend worries all the time that he's not capable of making a marriage work solely based on the fact that his parents have never had a successful relationship.  So yes, it's normal.  My Mother was the child of 3 divorces (yes, 3) so she was petrified that she'd fail at marriage, and my parents are still freaking adorable 33 years after they started dating.  She's talked to my boyfriend a lot about overcoming these fears and how to practically approach having a healthy relationship.

All I can suggest is go talk to a counselor.  Divorce rates are only hereditary when you don't learn how to have a healthy relationship.  It's simply learning how to argue, how to maintain a healthy relationship, and the basic stuff of how to make a relationship work.  And having realistic expectations of a marriage - it's not like a Disney movie with "happily ever after" once you walk down the aisle - it's a lot of work and compromise and communication.  Let me say COMMUNICATION again.  And once again: COMMUNICATION!  Learning how to communicate with each other is key - you need to be able to discuss issues before they become problems, and to feel heard by the other person.

Seeing a psychologist can help you sort out your bad patterns, and help you address issues before they become problems.

CWill16

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doomed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:19acb1f2-a0b0-4ebb-9e36-1f9e66e6ef2ePost:abbabf4b-65e3-4539-a249-e8f49cd8ebe5">Am I Doomed?</a>:
[QUOTE]To put it mildly, my family is not so great at marriages.  My mom's sister is on husband number 3, and one of her brothers is on wife number 4.  My own parents got divorced a couple years ago (mom was dad's second wife), and I just found out that my dad's brother, my favorite uncle, is getting divorced from his 2nd wife.  I love his wife.  They've been married for 15 years and have two beautiful kids who I also love, and I really thought that their marriage was in good shape.  Ugh. Now, I can't imagine ever getting divorced from BF once we get married, but I'm also sure that pretty much everyone feels that way when they get married.  Lately, I'm starting to have doubts about how much I really know about marriage in the first place.  It's not like I had the best examples set for me growing up.  Has anybody else had thoughts like these?  Like they would rather just stay engaged forever rather than risk a failed marriage?  Ugh.
Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

I know most people don't like to think of marriage this way, but it IS a risk. There is always the risk of a potential divorce of infedelity today. Deciding to marry someone is a leap of faith. You have to have faith in yourself, your FI, and in your relationship. If you don't then yes, you are doomed.

Staying engaged forever seems kind of silly. You want to live you lives together (and I assume live together) but not get married? Okay, that is your prerogative. But your break up will be just as painful whether you are legally married or engaged.

I would go to some premarital counseling. The marriages we see really shape how we react in a hard time or a pressure situation. See a therapist and work through some of these issues. Go a few times alone and with your FI.

bethsmiles

i dont think you're doomed. but marriage is always a risk. but if u are willing to work hard at your marriage and work through any problems u put yourself at an advantage. also i strongly recommend pre-marital counseling. what others do does not define your life

marinabreeze

I think that questioning oneself prior to marriage is natural.  My parents were married for well over 20 years before my dad died, but their marriage was by no means healthy.  I have had friends and family who have been divorced.  I watched a good friend of mine's marriage disintegrate (and I thought she and her husband at the time were a strong couple).  Now unlike your situation, my extended family doesn't experience many divorces, but there is a more prevalent history in my family of unhealthy relationships in which people stick around way longer than they ever should.  So on one hand, I know that there are some inclinations that I may have picked up, that in extreme form won't serve me well in having a healthy, happy marriage.  But I also think to myself that it's important to learn from the mistakes of others so that hopefully I'll be well-equipped for marriage.

Two things may be helpful for you (these things have been helpful for me and for others that I know who are already married).  First, counseling is helpful to work out any issues stemming from family situations, etc.  If possible, both individual and couple's counseling prior to marriage can be helpful.  The other suggestion is to have mentors who are in healthy marriages.  I have been able to get to know healthy married couples from my church.  If you're religious, this might be a way to go, and if you're not, maybe meeting healthy couples through other social organizations, etc.  Getting to know other couples in healthy marriages can be good because it can model good communication, etc., that is important for a healthy marriage.  HTH!

jeanacorina

It's okay and probably even smart to be concerned about the solidity of your relationship. I've always believed that premarital counseling isn't just for engaged couples. Why don't you try picking up a few books on relationships and marriage to educate yourself and facilitate some candid conversations with your BF about your relationship and expectations?

DH and I got a pretty good one, which I think Katanne also used (I think?). It's called "Before You Say I Do: Important Questions To Ask Before Marriage" by Todd Outcalt

I found it at Barnes & Noble, and DH and I found it really useful in re-discussing the big issues, and even opening up dialogue on a couple of things we hadn't thought of yet (in 6 years together).

You'll be fine. Just keep your eyes wide open and deal with issues instead of letting them fester. Make sure you have the right tools at your disposal, and maybe get to know some happy, healthy couples as well-- married or not.

desertsun

I think there has been a huge cultural shift when it comes to marriages. People aren't any worse or better at "being married."

But there's this attitude of LOVE TRUMPS ALLLLL!

So that when someone meets someone "better," it's somehow okay to get a divorce, b/c they're doing it to be HAPPY.

I'm not saying that people OUGHT to stay married if they're miserable. I'm not gonna judge what other people do. 

I'm just saying that the attitude that it's okay to get divorced just b/c you're unhappy is the attitude that has lead to a culture where divorce is okay.

To me, it's not okay. Marriage is for better or for worse. That means that if you're unhappy, you don't get a divorce. You work on it.

That's my attitude, anyway. I truly think that marriage is more about getting through tough times together than it is about being fairy-tale ending happily ever after. You choose a partner for life. You don't choose someone to make you happy. You have to know how to make YOURSELF happy before you can have a successful marriage, b/c sooner or later, you WILL be disappointed or hurt by your partner, and you can't let that make you change your mind about your choice to spend your life with that person.

Isn't that what commitment means? You don't change your mind when things get tough? What's the point, otherwise?

jeanacorina

Desert, I love you. Did I already tell you that today?

I agree with everything Desert just said.

katanne9

You are in charge of your actions. There is no luck and there is no doom. You are the only person who can choose your actions.

Everything Desert said x 100000000.

SassyBrass

I don't think you are overreacting or thinking about this, I'm sure plenty of men and women have. I don't know anyone who gets married with the intention of having it end in a divorce. But in all reality it happens to some. If I were you, I wouldn't worry about what the rest of your family is doing. It does sound like a lot of them weren't ready for the hurdles that come with this commitment if mulitple marriages seem to keep coming into play. If everything my family did was hereditary, I'd be in big trouble.
Don't pay attention to all of that. How your marriage turns out is up to you and your partner. It's up to how hard you both plan on working on it.
I think divorces are awful but so is staying in a loveless marriage when it's not going to be revived. But I have to agree with Desert that some people just rely on it as an "oh well, we can just get divorced if.." when they should be in it for the long haul.
I do agree that some books or counseling would definitely be helpful. Like Jeana said, there can be things to discuss that you didn't even think about.
First, talk to your FI, then see where you want to go from there. Good luck!

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_am-doomed?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:19acb1f2-a0b0-4ebb-9e36-1f9e66e6ef2ePost:cae3c672-7537-443a-b081-d2f9f767cac6">Re: Am I Doomed?</a>:
[QUOTE]Desert, I love you. Did I already tell you that today? I agree with everything Desert just said.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]


Why, yes, as a matter of fact, you did. It's kinda making my day!

And the feeling is entirely mutual.

 <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-kiss.gif" border="0" alt="Kiss" title="Kiss" />

Elle1036

Thanks for all the thoughts, guys.  I definitely want us to do some sort of premarital counseling, but I have to find a good, secular, course.

To be clear, I'm not having these thoughts because I'm in any doubt or insecurity about my relationship with BF.  The 4 years we've been together have been the happiest and most peaceful years of my life.  I just sometimes wonder, when we're surrounded by so much divorce, if it's even possible to stay married.  Of course, I know it is.  I was just in a funk today after the news about my uncle, I think.