Help me fix this poem?

csousa1

This should be the last bridal shower thing I torture you all with. I *hope*.

For their gift, I am getting them a "relaxation basket". It will be filled with things that will help them de-stress before the wedding. Namely - their favorite cookies (milanos and oreos), a nice candle, the fixings for margaritas, a gift card to a restaurant, a gift card for 2 1-hour massages, and a framed picture of them. I wrote a poem to go with it, but I feel like it needs some work. The first part will be in a card that they open first, and then every item will be wrapped in tissue paper in the basket and have it's part of the poem attached to it. Input?

As your wedding day looms near

And complications bring you fear

Relaxation is a must

To keep you free from feeling fussed

This pretty basket holds the key

To help you keep your sanity

To make you happy senoritas

Mix yourselves a margarita

Don't forget a lovely glass

So that you can imbibe with class

The soothing fall scent of this candle

Will many things help you to handle

Perhaps your favorite cookie treat

Will remind you that this time is sweet

A romantic dinner with your beautiful mate

should calm your nerves, and make you feel great

An hour long massage for two

should chase away your stressful blues

  

Last but not least, always remember

The reason we all will gather in December (this will be the note on the frame)

csousa1

I love that Liv!

That was my issue, I felt like certain words made it sound negative rather than positive. I mean, the whole point is to aleviate the stresses that I know for a fact they are both experiencing, but I didn't want to make it sound like they are dreading their wedding.

Thanks!!!

Lil B Mama

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fix-this-poem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:19c3cd53-5434-4a11-aed2-670e9f47a632Post:3d4a787d-ad70-4fdf-99e0-410480cf58b1">Help me fix this poem?</a>:
[QUOTE]This should be the last bridal shower thing I torture you all with. I *hope*. For their gift, I am getting them a "relaxation basket". It will be filled with things that will help them de-stress before the wedding. Namely - their favorite cookies (milanos and oreos), a nice candle, the fixings for margaritas, a gift card to a restaurant, a gift card for 2 1-hour massages, and a framed picture of them. I wrote a poem to go with it, but I feel like it needs some work. The first part will be in a card that they open first, and then every item will be wrapped in tissue paper in the basket and have it's part of the poem attached to it. Input?
 
As your wedding day draws near
 And complications cause you fear
 Relaxation is a must
 To save your brain from feeling fussed
 This pretty basket holds the key
 To help you keep your sanity
 To make you happy senoritas
Mix yourselves a margarita
 Don't forget a lovely glass
 So  you can imbibe with class
 This soothing autumn scented candle
 Will really help you get a handle
 And may your favorite cookie treat
  remind you that this time is sweet
 A romantic dinner for you and your mate
 will calm your nerves, make you feel great
 An hour long massage for two
 should chase away those stressful blues
   last but not least (Most importantly? Best of all?), always remember
 The reason we gather in December
 (this will be the note on the frame)
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

There. The way I'm reading it, I think that makes it flow a little nicer. The candle/handle part was tricky, but I think this way it sounds less yoda-like. I also considered "make you feel theres nothing you cant handle" but that was too long to keep the rythum. It's an adorable poem, You are so sweet to write something like this :)

GoldenPenguin

I LOVE this idea!! Super cute.

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fix-this-poem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:19c3cd53-5434-4a11-aed2-670e9f47a632Post:4924b8af-3d29-42bb-b867-185781670d6c">Re: Help me fix this poem?</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Help me fix this poem? : There. The way I'm reading it, I think that makes it flow a little nicer. The candle/handle part was tricky, but<strong> I think this way it sounds less yoda-like</strong>. I also considered "make you feel theres nothing you cant handle" but that was too long to keep the rythum. It's an adorable poem, You are so sweet to write something like this :)
Posted by Lil B Mama[/QUOTE]

Hahahaha that is so true.

Thanks, this is awesome! :)

Elle1036

I think it should be "some margaritas" and not "a margarita".  To preserve the plurar agreement.  I'm a grammar nazi.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_fix-this-poem?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:19c3cd53-5434-4a11-aed2-670e9f47a632Post:3d4a787d-ad70-4fdf-99e0-410480cf58b1">Help me fix this poem?</a>:
[QUOTE]This should be the last bridal shower thing I torture you all with. I *hope*. For their gift, I am getting them a "relaxation basket". It will be filled with things that will help them de-stress before the wedding. Namely - their favorite cookies (milanos and oreos), a nice candle, the fixings for margaritas, a gift card to a restaurant, a gift card for 2 1-hour massages, and a framed picture of them. I wrote a poem to go with it, but I feel like it needs some work. The first part will be in a card that they open first, and then every item will be wrapped in tissue paper in the basket and have it's part of the poem attached to it. Input? As your wedding day looms near And complications bring you fear Relaxation is a must To keep you free from feeling fussed This pretty basket holds the key To help you keep your sanity To make you happy senoritas Mix yourselves a margarita Don't forget a lovely glass So that you can imbibe with class The soothing fall scent of this candle Will many things help you to handle Perhaps your favorite cookie treat Will remind you that this time is sweet <strong>A romantic dinner with your beautiful mate should calm your nerves, and make you feel great</strong> An hour long massage for two should chase away your stressful blues    Last but not least, always remember The reason we all will gather in December (this will be the note on the frame)
Posted by csousa1[/QUOTE]

<div>And I hate the word "mate", so I would probably change this to:</div><div>
</div><div>A romantic dinner for the two of you</div><div>To ease your nerves, and your taste buds, too!</div><div>
</div><div>Or something like that.  But maybe that's just me.</div>