Not Engaged Yet

I would like to introduce...myself :)

Hello all-
My name is B and I live in Austin, Texas. My wonderful boyfriend John and I have been together for 4 years this past February.
I am 29 years old (30 in September, thank God!) and he is 31. I think that's it's amazing that there is this a board for this because ladies (and gents if there are any reading this) I will totally need some talking down.
I know me and through therapy (yes, I am in therapy and I am NOT ashamed of it.) I know that I can't wait around forever for him to "know" he wants to marry me. We have talked about it, and he says that he really thinks that we are going to get married and that he knows I will be an awesome (his word) mother and wife.
He just doesn't seem to feel any sense of urgency on this. Which I decided that I can give this relationship five years. Not that us getting married 10 years from now wouldn't be amazing, I just know me. After five years I will start to resent him and it's just going to make our relationship unbearable.
So yeah, I'm going to need some strength to get through this next year. I know that sticking for now is the right thing to do. And I have in no way just been sitting around waiting for a ring and not letting my life progress. I am going back to school for another degree, this time to be a nutritionist (R.D.) and I have a nice house fund started.
There will be days I need to vent, but for the most part I need to ask this of y'all...
How do I wait without pressure or hovering? I do talk and think about marriage and children and all that good stuff a lot now, but I am trying not to make him super crazy because if I make him crazy I really won't get a ring...

Help contain my crazy, please?

Re: I would like to introduce...myself :)

  • edited December 2011
    Deep breaths. In your talks about marriage and children, has the timeline been a part of the discussion at all? Maybe you would like to get married in a year or two, but he's thinking five. And I certainly understand your concern if you want to bear children, because of the risks to mothers once they're 35 or over.

    If he can see being married to you and having kids with you, you should feel comfortable asking him when he sees this happening. Compare his timeline to yours and see if they're compatible. If they are, great, you can stop talking about it. If not, you may need to re-evaluate your plans.
    image
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Have you two discussed your own personal, ideal timelines? A timeline discussion doesn't set things in stone (nor should it) but it can give both partners a sense of what the other is looking for in their future.

    Also, is it more important to you that you're married soon or to him? Because you may need to make a decision about that depending on what he wants as well.
  • DanieKADanieKA member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Welcome! 

    Hope you stick around, b/c it sounds like we have a lot of things in common. One is that I too told BF that I know myself and I can't be someone's long term girlfriend. Mozel tov to Goldie and Kurt, but those marriage vows are important to me and being a GF for the next 20 years just isn't what I'm looking for. 

    That being said, it's okay to have moments of BSC, but breath. I agree with previous posters that having a conversation about a general timeline could help ease the impatience that pops up. I know it can sound unromantic, but it's good to have an idea of what both of you are thinking. 

    You've been together long enough that this kind of conversation shouldn't come as a total shock to him, or make you seem crazy. It's been four years, not 6 months. It's okay to bring up marriage and children and what you want. It's okay to acknowledge these things. 

    Good luck and let us know how it goes!
  • edited December 2011
    Hello!

    Although 5 years is a LONG timeframe, be careful about giving ultamatums. That can be bad because then you'll just start giving up on your relationship. Sit down and have a talk with your BF about your timeframe and see what his timeframe is.
    When you love someone, you can tell. When you're in love with someone, everyone else can tell.
    image
  • edited December 2011
    Welcome! 

    Ok, here are some thoughts.  You need to have a timeline conversation with your BF.  Not to be a biitch, but at 29, your biological clock is ticking if you want children.  If you ask your BF what his timeline is and he can't give you concrete estimates for when you'll get engaged, married, etc., then you need to cut him loose because he's stalling.  If he says, "I want to wait another 5 years before getting engaged", you need to decide if you can live with that.  If it's a deal breaker, then cut him loose.

    Only you can decide what a deal breaker is.  And don't give him ultimatums.  Ask him what he wants and when he wants it.   Discuss what you'd like to see happen and when you'd like to see it happen.  If you want different things, that's your answer.  But saying, "If you don't propose by the end of next year, I'm leaving" will NEVER work.  Ultimatums lead to breakups or broken marriages.

    Good luck and keep posting.  You don't seem BSC, thank God.
  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Hi B! Welcome to NEY. You've come to the right place for advice and to be talked down off the ledge. I don't have too much additional advice, the posters above did a good job.

    Though, if it makes you feel any better, I'm 35 and also waiting for a ring (my BF and I are on the same page and it should be coming any day, week, month). Anyway, I can sympathize with the biological clock ticking, but don't let that rule your relationship. Enjoy every minute that you have with the man you love. It's so easy to plan out the next 5-10 years of your life, but (not to be morbid) we aren't guaranteed another day, so enjoy your time with your wonderful BF, before he turns into your wonderful FI and DH!
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  • edited December 2011
    I sympathize with the ticking clock myself I'm 31 ( will be 32 in August) SO will be 38 soon.  I try to enjoy the now and consider the fact that we've only been together a 1 1/2 years.  Once we hit 2 years I will need to really discuss timelines.  Sometimes I want to do it now, but I almost feel like it's too soon.  I know he loves me and has hinted at a future together, but no real details/timeline discussed. 
    I try to remind myself how lucky I am each day to be with the wonderful man, and take it one day at a time.

    Anniversary

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