Issues with Sex...TMI Alert

loves2shop4shoes

Hi Everyone.  So, this issue has been stewing since around Thanksgiving, but since I'm having such a glorious week already *sarcasm*, I figure I'll just get it off my chest and see what you all think.

FI and I have been in a real sexual slump since about Thanksgiving.  Basically, one of FI's testicles is extremely enlarged due to a hydrocele (basically a huge sac of fluid that continues to enlarge right next to his testicle).  It's been there the entire time I've known him, but in the last year or so, it's only gotten worse.  His testicle is now swollen to about the size of a tennis ball.

So, right before Thanksgiving, we were having sex and I was on top.  Just as I'm about to climax, FI starts roaring in pain.  He was nearly in tears.  Apparently, the physical pressure from my being on top was really hurting him and he didn't want to say anything.

Ever since then, I've been REALLY freaked out to have sex with him.  I don't want to hurt him.  I love him.  When we have sex now, 99% of the time I flat out refuse to be on top.  Also, I always think about hurting him, especially if I feel his testicles rub my skin.  I haven't been able to climax from sex for months now because I'm so freaked out.  As a matter of fact, I can't climax from ANYTHING FI does since this all happened.

FI and I went to see the urologist, who said the removal of the hydrocele was doable, but would be a completely cosmetic surgery.  (Although apparently this type of cosmetic surgery is covered by the insurance, go figure.)  FI was thinking of getting it removed because of the pain during sex, the pain he experiences when ANY pressure is put on that area (like when we snuggle), and the fact that he can't even run because of the pain.  The surgery is obviously on a very sensitive part of the body, so FI would be out of work for 3 weeks.  The operation could happen no sooner than March, even if he chose to do it.  FI is still weighing his options on the surgery.

So, I'm just sad and frustrated to see my FI in this type of pain.  It's also gotten to the point that I don't want to have sex with him anymore because I know I won't be able to get off and I don't want to upset him (it always does).

Any thoughts on this?  (Sorry, I know this is a very TMI subject.)

GreenPepperBurger

If BF had that type of problem, I would demand he get it surgically removed. No one should have to live in pain like that (ESPECIALLY in that part of the body). I had horrible pain right under my pinkie toe for three years+, like excruciating-I-can't-even-walk-sometimes-pain. I finally decided to get surgery after being miserable for a long time and it was the best decision I could have made.

I'm sorry your FI is going through this.

[Deleted User]

I would definitely get the surgery. I know it's scary to think about operations, but if he's in pain even with non-sexual activity (you mentioned jogging) then it is impacting his ability to live his life.

While I can understand your frustrations, realize this may be a truly scary idea for him. Men do not like to be limited in their ability to please the woman in their lives, so be gentle with him when discussing his options and just let him know that you're there for him whatever he decides. The easier you make things for him emotionally, the quicker the physical relationship will bounce back after everything is figured out!

Hazel_B

One of my male friends was in a similar situation to your FI, i think. He never used the proper terminology so I can't be exactly sure. However, he did have surgery to correct it and he has no complaints now.

That being said, if he has the surgery, that won't totally alleviate your concerns. Once again i think communication will be the key, you'll have to work together to ensure that you know he is okay before you can get back to normal.

nottheonlydreamer44

Wow he still didn't get that taken care of? I am glad he is at least CONSIDERING checking into it now. That is a scary thing for him I am sure but like GPB I would pretty much demand he got it done. It's not a good way for him or you to live.

I doubt he's going to like the idea of not having sex because of this problem, for any extended period of time at least, and it's affecting his health, too. I'm sorry you are having this issue honey. Apparently, sex slumps are pretty popular in these parts.

LizzyTish88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_issues-sextmi-alert?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1b421327-6197-4589-89a0-ce291b6823e3Post:fc729713-8ee4-445d-b823-6f10430f0e77">Re: Issues with Sex...TMI Alert</a>:
[QUOTE]Wow he still didn't get that taken care of? I am glad he is at least CONSIDERING checking into it now. That is a scary thing for him I am sure but like GPB I would pretty much demand he got it done. It's not a good way for him or you to live. I doubt he's going to like the idea of not having sex because of this problem, for any extended period of time at least, and it's affecting his health, too. I'm sorry you are having this issue honey. <strong>Apparently, sex slumps are pretty popular in these parts.
</strong>Posted by nottheonlydreamer44[/QUOTE]

You took the words right out of my mouth. Shoes, I would encourage him to get the surgery. Instead of focusing on the sex you can't have for a while, think about how amazing the sex will be once he gets it taken care of!

coastiegrl25

Oh and get batteries. 

LizzyTish88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_issues-sextmi-alert?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1b421327-6197-4589-89a0-ce291b6823e3Post:21bd7f92-c6c8-46d1-bc06-d21294418394">Re: Issues with Sex...TMI Alert</a>:
[QUOTE]Oh and get batteries. 
Posted by coastiegrl25[/QUOTE]

I heard that Coastie is sending them out to people when you run out, so you can always get some from her.

Teehee.

coastiegrl25

I still have the Christmas spirit. What can I say?!

jemmini6

I'm surprised that with it being painful and affecting even his daily (not just sex) life, that they still consider it a cosmetic surgery.  I guess as long as insurance covers it, I wouldn't be too concerned with what they call it, but still seems a bit odd.

Anyways, I think he should definitely get the surgery.  It's one thing to have your sex life be impacted for a few months, but if he doesn't get it taken care of now, it will continue to affect your sex life and in turn, your relationship.  Just be open with him and talk through the risks and benefits of having the surgery. 

Wrkn925

On Black Friday, Home Depot had 30packs of Durracell AAs for $5.

I bought three.

Seriously.  I gave one to the kids for their Christmas toys,  and kept two for myself.  That's dirt cheap!  Wiimotes, remotes, cameras, other stuff... You can never have too many AAs.

jeanacorina

Well, obviously you guys need to have a chat about this surgery. It's making you both miserable, putting him through a lot of pain, and it's covered by insurance. So open your mouth and tell him how you feel. Yes, that means tell him about your problems with sex, too.

Communication is so incredibly important, especially with sex. And yes, it can be really difficult to talk about. But you have to. He should have warned you about the pain sooner, instead of "roaring" and freaking you out like that. You need to talk about it while NOT in bed, and NOT trying to get in the mood. In fact, you shouldn't talk about his surgery while in bed or trying to get in the mood- a lot of guys are very sensitive about their manhood.

Andplusalso, it's okay not to have sex for a while. There will be times throughout your life where you'll hit a rut, or you won't be able to have sex due to medical reasons or other circumstances. Focus on something else that will make you two feel connected. Go for a walk, play a game together, feed some ducks. I dunno. Replace this awkward, unenjoyable sex with something that brings you both closer to each other in a different way. I'm sure there are tons of creative, trust-related activities involving blindfolds outside the bedroom. Talk about his medical options and try something new in your relationship- the sex will fall into place. Bad sex happens to everyone at some point.

[Deleted User]

It's NOT a question of IF he should have the surgery... He can't live the rest of his life with this pain, regardless of sex...

My BF had a mole on his arm that my mother insisted he get checked because it could be melanoma... When he went to the doctor, he showed the doctor another on his hip... They removed both... We haven't has sex since Thanksgiving because he was in pain after both surgeries but especially after the hip surgery... it was near impossible to get into any kind of comfortable position... but it was worth it to know that they removed both moles and after a biopsy, he knows for sure that he doesn't have cancer...

To me sex is not important enough to jeopardize his health... so, I think you need to convince him of that fact... There are other things you can do in the meantime... but like CDE said think of how amazing the sex will be after the surgery is done and behind him...

skyler1108

I think that you should really talk to him about getting the surgery done. This is a problem that not only effects him but it effects you too. I think since it can have negative effects on your relationship in the long run it is something you should both get a say in.

sparkles88

It sounds like this is not something that will go away in time, so I would highly encourage him to do it. He shouldn't have his quality of life impacted by something that can be so easily fixed. It's even started to impact the quality of your life as well, Shoes, since it's impacting your sex life. Besides, the 3 week recovery time of not having any sex can't be any worse than having months or years of awful, painful sex, IMO.

Elle1036

Of course, it's ultimately his decision, but I would encourage him to seek the surgery, and soon before it gets worse.

Good luck!

leia1979

I totally agree with Jem. How on earth is that considered cosmetic if it's causing him that kind of pain. I would encourage him to get the surgery. That seems like the number one way to start turning this situation around.

Ana_2985

How can it be purely cosmetic if it's causing him pain or discomfort? Get that shiit removed.

Jeana's advice is also great, IMO.

GreenPepperBurger

It also just occured to me that this could affect his ability to have children if it's not dealt with properly.

I cannot stress enough that he get it removed.

loves2shop4shoes

Hey all.  Thanks for your advice so far.  FI and I have discussed the surgery.  I feel like he's dragging his feet a little bit about making a decision because he's scared and doesn't want to be out of work for 3 weeks.

I also agree with PP who said it's not a matter of IF, it's more a matter of when.  I'm sure there will come a point that the hydrocele gets intolerable.  I mean, as it is, he sexual positions are limited, he can't run, and we can't snuggle without it hurting.  It wasn't AT ALL this bad when we first got together.  So, I want to encourage him to make a decision quicker, but I don't want him to feel like I'm pushing him.

Also, yeah, it's totally weird about it being a labeled a cosmetic surgery, but the urologist told me that despite it being labeled cosmetic, the insurance covers it.  So at least that's good.

zipis1

I would make him get it removed even if it meant breaking out the chloroform.

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_issues-sextmi-alert?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1b421327-6197-4589-89a0-ce291b6823e3Post:27d3247e-db99-4ac4-b8ee-5521b441e944">Re: Issues with Sex...TMI Alert</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, yeah, it's totally weird about it being a labeled a cosmetic surgery, but the urologist told me that despite it being labeled cosmetic, the insurance covers it.  So at least that's good.
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

My mom had cosmetic surgery to remove calcium deposits from underneath her eyes. It was considered a cosmetic surgery because it was not life-threatening but insurance covered it because it was actually affecting her vision. I think the term "cosmetic" is used loosely to mean it's not gonna kill you, but you want it done anyway, and insurance will cover it because it's causing you pain or discomfort. Just my two cents.

Can your FI go on disabilty while he's out of work? That might make him feel better about sitting out for 3 weeks.

loves2shop4shoes

GPB:  The urologist says either way, FI's fertility will be fine.

Bside:  That's a good question.  I didn't think of that.  Hmmm...disability?

bsidebella

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_issues-sextmi-alert?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1b421327-6197-4589-89a0-ce291b6823e3Post:c8471395-4b85-441d-ae0c-de972b92908b">Re: Issues with Sex...TMI Alert</a>:
[QUOTE]Bside:  That's a good question.  I didn't think of that.  Hmmm...disability?
Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

My mom was on disability for 6 weeks after she tore her rotator cuff. Your FI might want to look into it, or see if he gets <span style="font-style:italic;">any</span> sort of paid medical leave.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_issues-sextmi-alert?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1b421327-6197-4589-89a0-ce291b6823e3Post:30998f20-ac37-4417-ae03-ad4551a3db2e">Re: Issues with Sex...TMI Alert</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Issues with Sex...TMI Alert :  Can your FI go on disabilty while he's out of work? That might make him feel better about sitting out for 3 weeks.
Posted by bsidebella[/QUOTE]

Bella beat me to it but I was gonna say this... He can take a short-term disability leave... Tell him to contact his HR department...