Not Engaged Yet

Got Into a Sort-Of Fight With My Mother...

Would've posted earlier, but my Comcast went out for 85% of last night...and turned back on, as I was going to bed.

So...my mom has been acting strange lately.  By strange, I mean, she has called me twice in the last two and a half weeks; one of the times was in response to my repeated phone calls.  My mother normally calls me about 4-5 times a week, and sometimes multiple times a day.  She has been doing the same with my brother, who is currently living in Germany.  (Yes, she normally calls him this much too.)  When I have talked to her, she and I have either 1) had extremely shallow conversations, like talking about the weather, or 2) only talked about how hard it is for her to be dating after 50.  (She has been single since my parents separated 20 years ago.)

So, 2 days ago, my Aunt Rose called me.  She NEVER calls me.  She said "I don't want to alarm you, but your mother has not been calling me or grandma and has not returned our calls in DAYS and I'm getting worried."  My mother talks to and hangs out with Aunt Rose every other day AT LEAST and would NEVER not return my grandma's calls.

So, then I called my mother and left her a voicemail and let her know that everyone is worried.  She called me back a few hours later.  It was such an odd conversation.  She insisted that everything is fine and that she HAS been calling me!  WTF!  No she hasn't, and certainly not with her normal regularity!  She then acts as though the few instances that we have talked have been perfectly normal & frequent.  

She then proceeds to get furious that my Aunt Rose is calling people & telling them that she's worried.  She then starts screaming about how she is mad that Aunt Rose didn't tell her about my cousin moving into a new apartment & only calls her to do things at the last minute & she's tired of being expected to "wait by the phone like a dog".  Then I told her that "Clearly she's angry with Aunt Rose, but being passive aggressive & avoiding her calls is not going to fix anything.  Calm down, call her & talk it out like adults".  She then started screaming at me, asking me whose side I'm on, and forbidding me from calling my Aunt Rose or cousins & letting them know about this conversation.  To which I replied "Mom, I'm an adult, and I will call whoever I like".  Then she hung up on me.

I haven't heard from her since.  She's acting really bizarre and I'm not sure what to do.  It's clear to me that she's very lonely.  I live in Boston and she lives in New York, so I can't exactly pop down there and check on her; nor would I feel safe/comfortable doing so and staying at her house knowing that she's in some mood.  I don't know if she's depressed or if something else is going on.

What are your thoughts?

Re: Got Into a Sort-Of Fight With My Mother...

  • edited December 2011
    I wouldn't worry so much right now.  It's not like she's not calling you at all.  It seems like she's pissed at your aunt or in a bad mood and hopefully she'll snap out of it in a while. I would stay in touch with your aunt if you're really worried because she can check on her.
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  • edited December 2011
    I dunno, I tend to think it might be worth worrying about.  Such a total change in personality is something to be concerned about.  Has she done this kind of thing before?

    She could be depressed and self-isolating, which makes it worse.  Like stopping calling everyone to "see who cares enough to look for her".  My grandma does this kind of stuff, and it's frustrating to everyone involved.

    Is there anyone nearby her who can stop and check in on her?  If her house is in total disorder (if this isn't normal) then you might need to take more drastic measures.  I'm not sure what the whole situation is, if this is that unusual, but it sounds like she's really upset about something and not reaching out to anyone close to her.

    It can even be something medical causing her to be emotional and paranoid.  I don't mean to worry you necessarily, but you definitely want to at least make sure she's okay.
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  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_got-sort-of-fight-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1ea9f88e-7ec8-42a1-8ca6-fd7f49ecdb13Post:d9980811-7628-4a85-873b-d2abcc991e15">Re: Got Into a Sort-Of Fight With My Mother...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dunno, I tend to think it might be worth worrying about.  Such a total change in personality is something to be concerned about.  Has she done this kind of thing before? She could be depressed and self-isolating, which makes it worse.  Like stopping calling everyone to "see who cares enough to look for her".  My grandma does this kind of stuff, and it's frustrating to everyone involved. Is there anyone nearby her who can stop and check in on her?  If her house is in total disorder (if this isn't normal) then you might need to take more drastic measures.  I'm not sure what the whole situation is, if this is that unusual, but it sounds like she's really upset about something and not reaching out to anyone close to her. It can even be something medical causing her to be emotional and paranoid.  I don't mean to worry you necessarily, but you definitely want to at least make sure she's okay.
    Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm inclined to think that you're right.</div><div>
    </div><div>To answer your questions, no, she's never done anything like this before.  She ALWAYS calls frequently.  She lives alone and has only started dating within the last year (and she's been single for 20 years!), so she keeps busy by calling me, my brother, my grandma, and my aunts a lot.  To barely calls ANY of us in the past few weeks is VERY unlike her.  Even when I was on a cruise, she emailed me several times in a week!</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm really not comfortable going down there if she's in a bad mood.  With her BPD, staying at her house when she's throwing a fit has proved to be very unsafe for my physical and mental well-being.  Maybe I should go down there to check on her and stay with a cousin?  Or maybe I should have someone down there check on her?</div><div>
    </div><div>I don't know...but this is definitely ABNORMAL behavior, even for her.</div>
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_got-sort-of-fight-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1ea9f88e-7ec8-42a1-8ca6-fd7f49ecdb13Post:d9980811-7628-4a85-873b-d2abcc991e15">Re: Got Into a Sort-Of Fight With My Mother...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I dunno, I tend to think it might be worth worrying about.  Such a total change in personality is something to be concerned about.  Has she done this kind of thing before? She could be depressed and self-isolating, which makes it worse.  Like stopping calling everyone to "see who cares enough to look for her".  My grandma does this kind of stuff, and it's frustrating to everyone involved. Is there anyone nearby her who can stop and check in on her?  If her house is in total disorder (if this isn't normal) then you might need to take more drastic measures.  I'm not sure what the whole situation is, if this is that unusual, but it sounds like she's really upset about something and not reaching out to anyone close to her. It can even be something medical causing her to be emotional and paranoid.  I don't mean to worry you necessarily, but you definitely want to at least make sure she's okay.
    Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm inclined to think that you're right.</div><div>
    </div><div>To answer your questions, no, she's never done anything like this before.  She ALWAYS calls frequently.  She lives alone and has only started dating within the last year (and she's been single for 20 years!), so she keeps busy by calling me, my brother, my grandma, and my aunts a lot.  To barely calls ANY of us in the past few weeks is VERY unlike her.  Even when I was on a cruise, she emailed me several times in a week!</div><div>
    </div><div>I'm really not comfortable going down there if she's in a bad mood.  With her BPD, staying at her house when she's throwing a fit has proved to be very unsafe for my physical and mental well-being.  Maybe I should go down there to check on her and stay with a cousin?  Or maybe I should have someone down there check on her?</div><div>
    </div><div>I don't know...but this is definitely ABNORMAL behavior, even for her.</div>
  • edited December 2011
    I'd say staying with a cousin might make sense.  I forgot she has BPD... sounds like she's on a downswing.  I'm sorry, I know how rough that can be.

    If you're scared for your well-being, then take your cousin or aunt with you to check on her.  If she makes you feel threatened, she's clearly got an issue that needs to be taken care of.  I know this is tough, but you may need to have her hospitalized for a bit if it's really bad (and it sounds like it might be).  They can make her take her medication and get her straightened out if she's really in need of it.  Don't be afraid to call for help - I know she'd be upset in the short term, but if she's a danger to herself then it's really important.  My Mom had to have her mother hospitalized for awhile when she was in college - she said it was the hardest thing she ever did, but that she might not have her mother still if she hadn't.

    If you need someone to talk to, let me know.
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  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Menopause.

    Also, you are not responsible for her. Didn't we just have this chat? Tongue out The sooner to learn to not dote on her, the happier you will be.
  • edited December 2011
    If someone has BPD, that's a serious medical condition.  If they're self-isolating and burying their depression by pushing away those closest to them, it's a red flag.  They can be a serious danger to themselves, and that's not something to take lightly, Panda.

    I agree that you can't let their drama affect you, but that's when they're throwing fits.  When they're seeking people out to listen to their drama.  When they stop calling to let you know their drama, that's when you have to worry a little.

    That said, have a cousin check on her.  You don't have to drive all the way down there until you know if there's a problem.  No need to feed her mania.
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  • PandaBurrPandaBurr member
    1000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_got-sort-of-fight-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:1ea9f88e-7ec8-42a1-8ca6-fd7f49ecdb13Post:7f34fa59-53e6-422f-becc-d3c5672ae4bc">Re: Got Into a Sort-Of Fight With My Mother...</a>:
    [QUOTE]If someone has BPD, that's a serious medical condition.  If they're self-isolating and burying their depression by pushing away those closest to them, it's a red flag.  They can be a serious danger to themselves, and that's not something to take lightly, Panda.
    Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

    I am well aware of the complexity of living with someone who has a personality disorder. My mom was extremely abusive to my brother and me while we were growing up, to the point that I ended up developing post traumatic stress disorder (shell shock). I used jump at every little sound in my apartment, because it sounded like when she was getting angry when I used to live with her. I went to counseling, and started taking medications, and now I'm doing a lot better.

    Her mother is not a child, so don't treat her like one. You said it yourself:
    [QUOTE]No need to feed her mania.
    Posted by catemeg[/QUOTE]

    By calling her and worrying about her even though she said she was fine just makes it worse. She doesn't need to be babysat. If this is impacting the OPs life as much as she is saying it does (see her other post about her mother), then she needs to change something about the situation, not continue on the way things are. I understand that every situation is unique, but validating her behavior is not the way to do it. My relationship with my mom has greatly improved since I set boundries, and stopped worrying about her and validating her behavior. My mom has attempted suicide before, and very blatantly blamed me for it, so I understand the weight of guilt on your shoulders should something happen. But I really think you need to understand that it's her life, and you can only do so much before you start ruining your own. If she wants help, you can be there for her and tell her where to seek it, but it sounds like she doesn't. It's not like you're avoiding her calls. You are not responsible for her actions.

    TBH, I really do think it's menopause in conjunction with her BPD. When she wants to talk to you, she will call you.
  • edited December 2011
    Hi everyone.

    Thanks for your thoughtful and candid responses.  I think I'm going to call my aunt and cousins and see if they'll go over and check on her.

    Then I'll take it from there.  If there's something very wrong with her, I'll just go down there and stay with a cousin.  Hopefully, this is just a nasty combination of PMS and BPD.

    Frown

    PS.  Cate, you are one of the sweetest and most thoughtful people on TK.  Can we be TK friends?
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_got-sort-of-fight-mother?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:1ea9f88e-7ec8-42a1-8ca6-fd7f49ecdb13Post:a13f80c3-5b21-45b0-906a-b345d45a3198">Re: Got Into a Sort-Of Fight With My Mother...</a>:
    [QUOTE]PS.  Cate, you are one of the sweetest and most thoughtful people on TK.  Can we be TK friends?
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    Aww, thanks!  Just trying to give honest, helpful advice.  But that kind of makes my day, so thank you!

    And yes, of course we can be TK friends... but I don't know how to do it <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-embarassed.gif" border="0" alt="Embarassed" title="Embarassed" />
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  • edited December 2011
    Haha... I don't know either.  Maybe we should ask ekathleen and Button...they seem to know.
  • frenchy730frenchy730 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Maybe she's just going through a rough spot.  A train ride from boston to ny is what... like 3hrs?  Hop on the train and go for a visit and make her feel special!
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