Help please...

CCO2012

I will DD so please don't quote,

I need serious help from you ladies. I've been super depressed lately. I know I've mentioned it a little, but its been a little unbearable. BF and I keep having moments that I feel like he might ask, and then he doesn't. It hurts, it hurts so bad. I don"t know what he is waiting for. I just needed to vent.I know he is going to ask, he has actually gotten the ring sized and everything, I'm just waiting for the proposal. Its just hard because we had decided on a time of year to get married and the longer he wait to propose, the less time I have to plan. I don"t know if he is still keeping that  time frame in mind, because every time I say anything, he either changes the subject or says he has a plan. I just don't know. I'm sad, very, very sad. Thank you all for being here for me!

PS: yes I have been diagnosed with mild depression and several anxiety disorders. I am working on getting more help. TIA for any kind words.

swhite2012

I know it's hard, but the best thing you can do is put it out of your mind completely. It's going to be tough, but you're only making it harder on yourself. It good that you're finding help about the depression. That will probably help your overall feelings about things. In the meantime, try to find something for yourself that makes you happy. Don't worry about other people, do something purely for yourself. And hugs. We're here for you.

flygirlmeg

Oh hon, I'm so, so sorry you're feeling hurt.  I have been fortunate enough to escape the depression that has struck a few other women in my family but I know enough about it to know that it doesn't always make sense.  I realize it's not as if you can just make up your mind to "be happy."  While you can't just snap out of if, maybe it would help to try and separate the depression you're feeling from BF's waiting to propose.  Logically, you know it is coming, right?  I'm not just going to say: breathe and wait for it to happen.  Even though that might make sense, that doesn't change the way you actually feel.  Also, is there any way you can talk to him and express how you feel?  Does he know and understand about your depression?  You're going to spend your lives together so I definitely think this is a subject you should talk about. 
I'm not sure if anything I said will help but my heart goes out to you.  I really hope you feel better soon and that BF is understanding when you guys talk about this!!

peekaboo2011

You have to let it go.  You can't think about it.  The more you think about it and stress out about it, the harder it's going to be for both of you.  Remember that your time frame for "time of year" doesn't have to mean that it's next year.  And remember that everything happens for a reason.  He does have a plan.  And this is out of your hands...unless you propose to him, of course.

Remember to focus on your relationship where it is now.  Everything is going to be fine.  Just relax and let it ride

CCO2012

Thanks ladies... I've never really had depression like this before. It's been a combination of life in general, family crap and waiting on BF. Hopefully I can get some more help and talk to BF more about my issues. He knows about the anxiety, but I've not really gone into depth about the depression. I just want to say thanks and I'll post about the fun parts of tonight later.

SopChick

First of all, *hugs*. I'm sorry you're going through depression and anxiety, it's not an easy thing to go through. I agree with the others who said you should try as best as you can to put the idea of a proposal out of your mind. I know you want it to happen now, but just remember that he has the ring, and he will do it when he feels ready. In the meantime, he still loves you just as much, and is still with you.

I also think it would be a good idea to do something that's just for you. Is there something new that you've always wanted to try? Have you pampered yourself lately? Even if it only helps for the time that you're doing it, it's better than nothing!

xweddingbutterflyx

Aw I totally know how you feel. I have those days sometimes where I wonder why he hasn't popped the question. My bf and I have had tons of conversations about this and we had a similar incident with our promise rings (yay for high school sweethearts..haha) where I didn't understand why he wasn't giving me one because I knew he had the money. Because he had the money I kept thinking that he just didn't want to because he didn't care about me enough or something silly like that, but when we talked about it a year after he said it was because I talked about it too much and he thought that if he did it when I "asked him to" he wouldn't feel it was as special.

I'm totally in the same boat as you right now and I think the best thing we can do is just not worry about "timelines" and be confident in the fact that we're in love with who we're with. If you worry about it too much then it'll ruin it when he eventually decides to do it and you'll be filled with resentment that's hard to undo.

CCO2012

Sop, that the other problem... I've been seriously broke lately! I'm finally getting to a place where I can afford a hair cut. I think my depression is a combination of a lot of sh!t. Thanks you sooooo much for the hugs!!!

jaycee7389

CCO..YGPM. It will show up from pghrn. *hugs and vibes*

desertsun

I like what Meg said -- you need to draw a distinction between your depressed feelings, and your relationship.

I think you are looking to your relationship, instead of within yourself. Until you have everything you need to be happy and secure within yourself, you will not feel secure in your relationship. This is why you continue to have this issue of being emotionally upset by being NEY, despite the FACT that your BF is moving in the right direction and to all appearances loves you and wants to marry you.

It is a problem that you can't simply trust in your guy and be happy where you're at.

I am not trying to be mean. I have struggled with depression myself for many years, and I'm talking from my experience and trying to be helpful. 

TBH, I don't think you're in the strongest place psychologically/emotionally, and you need to be doing some work on yourself before you do get married, just to give you and your BF the strongest possible foundation. I really think some therapy would be beneficial, but in case that's not your thing, here are some links to a couple books that I found really helpful:

http://www.amazon.com/Undoing-Depression-Therapy-Doesnt-Medication/dp/0316043419/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321420391&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Hold-Me-Tight-Conversations-Lifetime/dp/031611300X/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321420414&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Love-Languages-Secret-That-Lasts/dp/0802473156/ref=sr_1_1?s=books&ie=UTF8&qid=1321420471&sr=1-1

http://www.amazon.com/Feeling-Good-Handbook-David-Burns/dp/0452281326/ref=pd_sim_b_35

HTH! 

desertsun

Also, I really dislike this trend toward people saying "Don't quote me."

None of us is the first person to have problems. Everyone has issues. No one is perfect. It's okay to need support and advice, and it is helpful for others to be able to see what your OP is. I try to be respectful and not quote if people say they are going to DD, but I really think you should stop worrying so much about what other people think.

This is exactly the kind of thing some of the older posters mean when they talk about how the board used to be more honest. It seems like people are much more concerned with being liked these days, and I personally think that is a change for the worse. I wish people had more confidence in themselves. Just b/c you're not perfect doesn't mean you aren't awesome.

CCO2012

Thank you Desert and Jaycee.  I am starting therapy soon. I haven't been able to do it because I'm a psych minor and all the therapists at school are my professors. I am at this point in my life as stable and healthy emotionally and psychologically as I have ever been. But, I still have my issues from time to time and recently ( for the last few weeks is when y symptoms have been acting up) I've had to deal with the crap nature of mental illness.

I appreciate the support everyone ha given me and I hope to be able to work towards a healthier mind in the future.

desertsun

I get it, CCO. Depression is chronic. Some days are better than others. Sometimes you have a crap day and need some support and love. It's totally okay to come here for that, and I'm sorry if I made you feel otherwise. I'm happy to hear you've got some plans for therapy and are continuing to work on yourself! I wish you all the best.

CCO2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2370d647-a449-4837-ab30-074bbc20601dPost:3816a514-aa57-4d63-9d55-1cce11c139c9">Re: Help please...</a>:
[QUOTE]Also, I really dislike this trend toward people saying "Don't quote me." None of us is the first person to have problems. Everyone has issues. No one is perfect. It's okay to need support and advice, and it is helpful for others to be able to see what your OP is. I try to be respectful and not quote if people say they are going to DD, but I really think you should stop worrying so much about what other people think. This is exactly the kind of thing some of the older posters mean when they talk about how the board used to be more honest. It seems like people are much more concerned with being liked these days, and I personally think that is a change for the worse. I wish people had more confidence in themselves.<strong> Just b/c you're not perfect doesn't mean you aren't awesome.</strong>
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

Why thanks Desert... I was more going to DD for for complaints about the ring before I re-read what I wrote,,, I really do hope this can help anyone else on this board and anyone lurking. I have worked with several organizations in events and fundraising for mental illness. I would not DD for fear of someone finding out I have metal illness. I am very open about my disorders and I hope to help anyone else out there that might be scared or confused.

If anyone wants to talk please PM me.

kaitlynmichelle

I totally understand the feeling of being frustrated about waiting.  I used to honestly have a timeline, which BF had agreed with, that we would be engaged last year.  Then I realized it wasn't realistic, and pushed it back.   I really thought that we would be getting engaged by our 7th anniversary, and it will not be happening.  We just can't afford a wedding right now, let alone anything else.

Just try to keep it out of your mind, if possible.  I sometimes get really down when I think about how it will probably still be another year or two (at least) before an engagement happens.  But I just try to focus on other things, because getting upset about it doesn't help anything, and just gets BF down too.  

Hope you feel better soon!  

CCO2012

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2370d647-a449-4837-ab30-074bbc20601dPost:748d3f00-8d14-4d75-96dc-9a798da87357">Re: Help please...</a>:
[QUOTE]I totally understand the feeling of being frustrated about waiting.  I used to honestly have a timeline, which BF had agreed with, that we would be engaged last year.  Then I realized it wasn't realistic, and pushed it back.   I really thought that we would be getting engaged by our 7th anniversary, and it will not be happening.  We just can't afford a wedding right now, let alone anything else. Just try to keep it out of your mind, if possible.  I sometimes get really down when I think about how it will probably still be another year or two (at least) before an engagement happens.  But I just try to focus on other things, because getting upset about it doesn't help anything, and just gets BF down too.   Hope you feel better soon!  :)
Posted by kaitlynmichelle[/QUOTE]

I totally get your perspective, but when my grandfather passed away I was engaged so I inherited money for a wedding. My parents still have it saved for me also BF has the ring. It not that we can not afford a wedding, we absolutely can. He just has "a plan", whatever that means. lol

Thanks for the well wished though!

ravenray

*hugs*  Between Desert and Meg there isn't much I can say that hasn't been said.  Depression is not fun, I have never been diagnosed but I am sure I had it during HS.  The key thing for me to remember was I had the power to get out of the mind traps that I had set for myself.  Also NEY is a great place to get these vents out.  We are here to help and support you   *hugs*  Don't let this rule you and your life, you deserve so much more.

 

EDIT: And Desert my DD was super personally so I wanted advice but not to let everyone read it for the rest of their lives, ya know? 

CCO2012

Aww Ray!!!! You just made me tear up! Thank you so much!

ravenray

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_please-7?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2370d647-a449-4837-ab30-074bbc20601dPost:2c1e977d-0924-41a7-bb9c-3bda08920157">Re: Help please...</a>:
[QUOTE]Aww Ray!!!! You just made me tear up! Thank you so much!
Posted by CCO2012[/QUOTE]
Aw!  *hugs*  I love you girl.  Now you made me tear up.  :)  You can get through this.   :)  You are so strong and awesome, you can do anything you put your mind too.

thejucheidea

I understand because I'm going through the same thing. I've actually started going to therapy because my self worth has sort of been hit by it and I'm miserable. We've had the ring since May and it's very important to me, as it's my Grandma's wedding ring. I want it back out in the open where I can see it because it was given to my Grandma by my Grandpa who died 13 years ago.

The holidays don't help either -- it's eight days until Thanksgiving when I have to see his family again, and they are just chomping at the bit to see him married so he can start having kids, as he is the last male in his family. I don't want to be asked by them because my only answer will be that I don't know when we'll get married because it's all up to him. He has a tendency to be a bit of a baby when it comes to things like that too -- he was so angry when I told his parents that he'd opted out of his work health insurance because they started joining me in telling him he needed to get it just to prepare for the future because although he's healthy now, there's always a chance of an accident or illness that could financially ruin us.

I have type 2 manic depression which doesn't help at baseline, so having this terrifying lead in to the holidays when people are going to start asking again (my coworkers have finally laid off on the question) plus the work stress (everyone dies around the holidays) is terrifying me. I'm trying to focus on hobbies by order of my therapist, but gaaaaah.

elannis

I agree with everything that people have said. I'm sorry you're going through this though.  

I also wanted to add that, if possible, try not to let the deadline of when you want to get married cause you stress. I did that because I knew we wanted to have a fall wedding some day and I was worried about not having a year to plan. But I believe Tiger didn't have a full year to plan and others haven't and have had no problem getting their wedding into place. I have been able to do so much, with some help from my local board, and now get to sit and wait until Spring before doing anything else. So you have time and you may end up changing your mind about everything you think you want later too! : )

And you said hair cut.... are you getting it cut short?

Swazzle

CCO, I'm sorry you're feeling so down lately.  If you ever need to talk or just want to vent, I'm here!!! 

CCO2012

You ladies are freaking awesome! Thank you all soo much!

Stillwell, I'm sorry you are going through this too. I know what you mean about the holidays, I would really like to be engaged by then so I don't have to hear all the questions about if/ when we plan on getting married. But, I'm just going to have to distract myself and get really good at bean dipping.

Ely, I'm just getting a trim and color glaze. I just need it neaten-ed up and my greys are a bit out of control. lol

dwest2201

I'm sorry you're feeling down lately, CCO.  I have never been diagnosed with depression, but I have regular periods where I get down, for days or weeks and I do believe that it is depression.  In my experiences whenever things are more stressful than usual, or any sad times I have about my mother, it can be the final straw that just sends me in a downward sipral. 

Sometimes I focus on one thing even though that isn't what is bothering me the most...for example last month was the 5 year anniversary of my mothers death, a couple days before BF asked me if I was okay because I seemed distant and rather than looking inside and saying "yeah, I'm feeling sad about Mom, but have been so busy I didn't realize it yet" which could have sparked a supportive converstation and actually helped me feel better.  I responded by telling him that I only seem distant because we are both so darn busy and we have hardly seen each other in the last couple weeks, I was snippy and told him that I felt unimportant when he made plans to have some guys only fun on the one night that I didn't have school and my son was at his Dad's.  He said we could hang out later and I told him that I didn't want to come over just to go to sleep.  It turned into an ugly argument and he was pretty upset.  Even after I apologized and told him what was really upsetting me he had a hard time just letting it go instantly...it was a tough couple days for me, mostly because I was not looking internally at why I was really sad/upset.

My advice is to try and take some time to become more connected with yourself and your feelings, relax, meditate, journal, whatever helps you.  I like to take bubble baths and write personally.  Once you've got your head around how you're really feeling then talk to BF about how you're feeling.

As for your BF not proposing yet, try not to worry yourself about it.  Maybe he feels like he wants to surprise you, maybe he wants to have control over when for one reason or another, maybe he just isn't ready to be married yet (even though he wants to marry you and only you) <- THAT is my BF.   Whatever the reason, it isn't worth being stressed or upset about.  Enjoy the fact that you have an amazing BF who you love and who loves you, and that you have talked about marriage and have the other things in place and when the time is right you will get there.  Don't forget to enjoy the path along the way.  Happiness isn't a destination, it's a journey.

*HUGS*

BuckeyeAtHeart

I'm sorry you're feeling so down.  I'm just going to ditto what everyone else has said.  He loves you and he IS going to propose, so try not to get worked up.  Wouldn't it be better if it took you by surprise?? 

TheMutleys

Honestly, if it is bothering you to the point of affecting your mental health, you need to talk to your BF about it.  Relationships are about open communication. 

You do need to let go of thinking that you won't be able to plan in a certain timeframe.  If a time of year is important to you, then it comes up every year.  If you just want to be married, then after you get engaged decide on a date to get married.

I do think that conversations about general timelines are great.  I do not think that specific timelines work.  I think that people can get caught up in planning on that specific point in the future, instead of living in the now. 

For whatever reason, he has not proposed.  You can either read into that or you can trust that he is going to propose when he is fully ready. 

Having a ring and the funds for a wedding does not mean that the couple must get engaged within a specific timeline.  There is no perfect formula for a proposal.