Not Engaged Yet

Weird Situation

My cousin E and I are the same age, we grew up together & were super close. She lived with my parents and I for about a year and a half in high school & went to my school because her family is kind of messed up.  After that we stayed in touch.  She visited me at school in NYC & I visited her in Philly a few times. The last time I saw her was my junior year of college though & that was 2006ish.  I've tried to get in touch with her & make plans but I either wouldn't hear back or her phone number will have changed or it would be disconnected.  

The day my Poppop died this summer she called me to send her condolences & to tell me she couldn't wait to see me on Saturday at the funeral, it just sucks that this is why we're seeing each other. She sounded really sad, which was to be expected since he was like a grandfather to her also even if she wasn't super close with the family now.  Well she never showed up at the funeral & I haven't spoken to her since that phone call. 

Fast forward 3 months later to last night. I get a text from her saying "Hey cousin, it's E. So I know we don't talk which sucks but I just recently got engaged & just want to make sure that you'll be a bridesmaid. I love and miss you very much." My first thought/feeling was one of complete shock.  I'm really, very happy for her about getting engaged.  But a bridesmaid?  I'm so confused right now.  I don't know what to do or say.  

Also, I didn't even tell her I was engaged because we honestly hadn't spoken, it never even crossed my mind to call or text her to tell her. I wasn't even planning on inviting her to my wedding which I have been going back & forth about a lot lately.  We just aren't close anymore. We don't talk, we haven't seen each other in 5 years.  But we did grow up together and we were super close. 

So now what? How do I handle this situation? 



Re: Weird Situation

  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Well, it is kind of awkward that she wants you to be a bridesmaid when you haven't talked, definitely. But I think it's kind of manageable.

    For starters, you don't have to accept if you don't want to. 

    Or, you can accept and try to rekindle your relationship.  If you do that, I think the best thing to do would to mention that you're getting married too--and find a space for another two guests at your wedding. It'd be weird for her to be surprised that you didn't offer her a spot in your bridal party when she's been otherwise MIA. And I definitely don't mean this as a slight on you at ALL (rdr = rockstar), but maybe she doesn't have a lot of friends and that's why she's reaching back despite you two not being very close anymore. 
  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    I was thinking that Cunning. I feel bad not accepting as weird as it is that she asked me because I think of it as kind of an honor to ask someone to be in your bridal party & I was wondering if that might be a reason also.  I hate that we grew out of touch & aren't close anymore so maybe you're right about trying to rekindle our relationship. 

    How do you suppose I go about telling her that I'm engaged also? It seems so simple, "Congrats, I'm engaged too!" But I kind of feel AWish (does that make any sense?) & also I don't want it to come off like "Congrats! I'm engaged too, I just didn't bother to tell you when it happened 2+ months ago!"  (again, does that make any sense?)



  • DanieKADanieKA member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    That is super awkward. I think it makes it slightly less so b/c it's family, and you have a lifetime of history together. Knowing her family and the issues they've had as she grew up, is it surprising she's popped in and out of your life in the last 5/6 years? Im asking honestly, because she could have been fighting some demons or trying to clean up her life or help her family, or she could have just been trying not to get dragged down by any of it, which would make sense with her disappearing/popping up randomly. 

    I agree with becunning. You don't have to accept being a BM, but if you don't mind and you'd like to try and rekindle the friendship, I'd go for it. Along with that I would also try and make 2 more spaces available at your wedding, regardless of whether you accept the BM invite or not. It's a nice gesture and it seems you guys never really had a falling out, just that you drifted apart. 

    Hopefully the two events will rekindle your closeness and you guys can reconnect. Hopefully now that she's older and getting married she has grown out of that being flaky and saying you are going to be somewhere, then not showing up phase and you guys can be close again. 

    If you have the time/energy/inclination, I say why not try. GL!
  • edited December 2011
    RDR - I have a very similar situation, that I don't want to threadjack with, but I know EXACTLY where you're coming from.

    I think it's ultimately up to you - like becunning said, you don't have to accept. And you can tell her your reasons why - that you feel like you drifted so far apart that you weren't really apart of each other's lives in that way anymore. I also think that if you do decide to try to rebuild that relationship, you should at least invite her to your wedding. If nothing happened that seriously damaged your relationship, that it was just a matter of drifting apart, maybe it is worth trying to revisit that friendship... whether you accept the bridesmaid spot or not.



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  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think just treat the engagement as something that's not awkward, and you'll be fine. When you two call to talk about bridal stuff, surely you'll catch up on your lives over the years. Let her gush about her engagement and some of the plans and when you get around to talking about the "what's up with you!" you could mention how you didn't want to steal her thunder, but you got engaged two months ago (mention something about how caught up you got with weddign planning and apologize for not telling her about it sooner).  That way, you're not being AW-ish, you've gotten the information out there, and apologized for not telling her sooner. Ta-da! 

    If you want to rekindle the relationship and suspect she doesn't have a lot of friends, go for it. 
  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Say this...

    "Oh how funny, I got engaged recently too! Congratulations! I want to hear all about it. Can we get together soon? I miss you a lot too."

    When you are together in person, see how it goes. You may fall immediately into comfortable camaradie and be REALLY glad that you "found" each other again. You never know, this could be the beginning of getting your favorite cousin back in your life. I say embrace it and go with it.
  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Ok I felt bad waiting to respond any longer (she texted me around 8 last night & I haven't said anything back).  So I sort of took your advice Liv.  

    I said "Congratulations!!! I have happy news too, I am also engaged! When are you getting married?? I am so happy for you E!!!"  And she said "We think May 2013. Wow I guess we're closer than we thought still lol"  So I said "lol we actually just set our date last month. Ready for this one? May 4, 2013. Great minds think alike!" 

    Then she told me why they were thinking May & I told her how we were originally shooting for June but I was concerned it would be too warm & I get hivey when I'm hot. And she asked me to be in her wedding again. And I said "Yes, I would be really happy to be in your wedding as long as it's not the same day of course LOL"

    I think it went over really well & I am actually getting really excited that we could be getting close again.



  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    That's awesome rdr!! I think this will end up working out very well and will help you two get close again :)
  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Yes I really hope so.  She said she has to make the schedule at work today & then she'll let me know some days she has off so that they can come up here & see our place, meet our furbabies, go to dinner, & talk weddings :) 

    I am actually really happy about this now!!! Thanks as always ladies :)



  • leia1979leia1979 member
    2500 Comments Fifth Anniversary 100 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    rdr, that's great! I hope you get to be friends again.
  • alanna91alanna91 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Yay :) I read this before you updated it and didn't really have any good advice for the matter...but it looks like everything is working out!!! I'm really happy for you, it's always great to reunite with family and I hope you two have a great time.
    White Knot
  • elanniselannis member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I'm just now seeing this, so I'm glad it had a happy ending!

    I had a falling out with my cousin a few years ago too. We were just too busy doing our own thing and eventually drifted apart. Well, she got engaged a few years ago and asked me to be in her wedding and since then we've gotten back into the swing of communicating almost daily and visiting often and I am so, so incredibly happy that we were able to do that. Now she's going to be my matron of honor and she calls me Aunt Ely to her kids even I wish I had been closer to her when she was pregnant the first time, but it's better late than never. So I hope that you and her can work things out like my cousin and I did because it's so worth it when it's someone that you grew up with and they're that important to you. : )

    I just had a Rockstar and I DO NOT drink energy drinks so I'm a bit more rambly than usual, lol.
    -Ely

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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Yaya!  I am happy things worked out for you!! <3
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

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