Grandmother's ring

whit417

My bf has his grandmother's ring and plans to use it when he proposes. I've never seen the ring and know very little about it. I have a very different style and am very afraid that I won't like it. I don't want to see the ring before and ruin the surprise but I don't know what to do. I can't tell him that I don't want the ring...any advice?

DanieKA

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_grandmothers-ring?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:28c1d63e-983f-459c-a57f-9f9fc703680fPost:82c15aec-d1a4-430e-9a47-fc57ea826efa">Grandmother's ring</a>:
[QUOTE]My bf has his grandmother's ring and plans to use it when he proposes. I've never seen the ring and know very little about it. I have a very different style and am very afraid that I won't like it. I don't want to see the ring before and ruin the surprise but I don't know what to do. I can't tell him that I don't want the ring...any advice?
Posted by whit417[/QUOTE]

<div>I'm going to give you a couple of different perspectives because I went through something similar. </div><div>
</div><div>You might hear the advice that you should be happy with what he gives you. The ring is just a symbol of his commitment and the commitment is what's important. Don't get too wrapped up in it! To some extent, I agree. It's so sweet that he wants to give you his grandma's ring. I'm sure that's really sentimental for him and it means a lot to him. BUT, I don't think you are a monster, or selfish, or shallow for being a bit weary about the style. You have to wear it. It's especially hard to hear the "be thankful and shut up" advice from women who had input or even picked out their own engagement ring. Easy to say for someone who had a huge hand in picking out something they love.</div><div>
</div><div>For me, I felt really guilty, I even still feel a bit guilty for expressing my desire to look at different rings other than my FI's grandmothers (though, unlike you, I knew what the ring looked liked. Plus there was some history there with an ex fiance, but blah, blah, blah...). </div><div>
</div><div>My advice is just to talk to him. Is your boyfriend super traditional and doesn't want you to know anything at all about the ring? Or are you? If not, I would maybe try to get an overview of what the ring looks like. I mean, the surprise won't be ruined if you find out the metal color (white, yellow, rose gold? Platinum?) or the stone shape (marquis, round, princess, heart shaped-<em>shudder</em>). You can at least get an idea of the major elements without the surprise being ruined and decide if that's okay with you. </div><div>
</div><div>You really have to decide what is most important to you. Talking to him and maybe coming to some sort of compromise about the ring (maybe using grandmas's stone in a setting that's more you). Or if you treasure the surprise more, then prepare to not 100% love the ring, but know that you love the guy and you love what the ring symbolizes. </div><div>
</div><div>Good luck!</div>

whit417

He has told me that the ring is white gold which is a bit of a relief. Unfortunately, he's a typical guy when it comes to everything else haha. He has no idea the cut or carat which as far as the carats go I'm not concerned with that. He is pretty traditional, but he wouldn't have an issue with describing it if he knew the details I think. I think another issue I have is that if he was always planning on giving this to whoever he married then it wasn't specially picked out for me. Thanks for the advice! It is greatly appreciated.

Elle1036

Here's my perspective.

I'm a bit of a control freak and I'm really picky about jewelry.  FI knows all this, so he never would have dreamed of giving me a ring I hadn't seen yet.  Instead, we designed it together.  I was involved in the process every step of the way.  The ring I got was exactly what I wanted because I made it myself.

...However, while I do LOVE my ring, I'm [finally] starting to realize that what it looks like isn't all that important.  In fact, it's not important at all.  I "knew" that already, I suppose (and you probably do, too), but I really understand it and feel it now that I've been wearing my ring for over a year.  When I look at my ring now, I don't even see all the details I spent so many hours obsessing over.

A year ago, I probably would have told you that, since you'll be the one wearing this ring for years and years, you need to be happy with it and you should speak up to your BF.  However, my older and wiser self feels differently.  Whether the ring is your style or not, you will love it.  Even if you don't love it immediately, you will come to love it and it won't take long.  Really, the cut/color/carat/clarity/metal type...  none of that matters at all.

cu97tiger

In Response to Re:Grandmother's ring:Here's my perspective.I'm a bit of a control freak and I'm really picky about jewelry.nbsp; FI knows all this, so he never would have dreamed of giving me a ring I hadn't seen yet.nbsp; Instead, we designed it together.nbsp; I was involved in the process every step of the way.nbsp; The ring I got was exactly what I wanted because I made it myself....However, while I do LOVE my ring, I'm [finally] starting to realize that what it looks like isn't all that important.nbsp; In fact, it's not important at all.nbsp; I "knew" that already, I suppose and you probably do, too, but I really understand it and feel it now that I've been wearing my ring for over a year.nbsp; When I look at my ring now, I don't even see all the details I spent so many hours obsessing over. A year ago, I probably would have told you that, since you'll be the one wearing this ring for years and years, you need to be happy with it and you should speak up to your BF.nbsp; However, my older and wiser self feels differently.nbsp; Whether the ring is your style or not, you will love it.nbsp; Even if you don't love it immediately, you will come to love it and it won't take long.nbsp; Really, the cut/color/carat/clarity/metal type...nbsp; none of that matters at all. Posted by Elle1036 I'm with elle. My husband took the diamonds out of my grandmother's ring and designed a new set for me. I had very little input besides wanting the diamond set into the ring and that I didn't want color. Well, he got the first one right. I have a beautiful blue enamel ring that I never would have chosen for myself, but that I love because my DH designed it for me. My suggestion for you would be to talk to your boyfriend. Tell him that while you don't want to see the ring, you are a little concerned that it won't be your style, and would he be willing to have the diamonds reset later if that's the case. However, I wouldn't get it reset right away if you think you don't like it. Wear it for 6 to 9 months. You really might grow to love it. Sorry about the lack of paragraphs, I'm on my phone.

thejucheidea

My engagement ring is actually going to be my grandmother's wedding ring. When it was first offered to me by my grandmother, I wasn't fond of it at all. It's yellow gold and very 70s-tastic. On our flight home from California, however, I wore it on my pinkie because she didn't have a ring box for me to use, and by the time we got to Denver, I'd fallen in love. Tyler's going to have it plated in platinum or palladium, but otherwise it's staying the same. My mom got on my ass for not just reusing the diamonds for something else, but I'd rather keep it just how it's been on my grandmother's finger since she had a new set made as an anniversary present back in the 70s. I have good memories of that ring, and I'd like to add more.

But hey, it's up to you. If you don't like it when he uses it, then go back and get it changed. It can be done.

LilTexasGal

Personally I wouldn't worry about it until you actually find out what it looks like - no point in stressing over something you won't have control over. But... I can also see how being prepared so your reaction, if the ring isn't your style, isn't horrible, is a good idea too. I guess in that case I would think about my style, what shape of stone would you ideally want? Would you want it to look vintage? modern? Do you want colored stones? These types of things don't make you a monster. This is your personal style, no one can fault you for that. However... if you start complaining about carat (read: Its not big enough!) then that is when you start to get into the sounding like a brat category. Worry about ring style is fine. Worry about "size" isn't. (IMO at least). Seems like you're not too concerned with size, so I think if you just get a good idea of what you really cannot stand, you'll be good.


BTW I didn't have any say in my ring, and I love it! FI knew my style and picked something he thought I would love. Would I have picked this one myself? Maybe, maybe not.

whit417

Great! Thanks again everybody! It's great to hear everyone's advice and personal experiences. It's such a welcome change from people just telling me that I shouldn't be picky. I've decided that I'm going to talk to my bf and see what we agree on

dewingedpixie

I actually really love vintage rings. For a long time, I thought I'd go this route. That was until I figured out cut not size was an extreme factor for me and unfortunatly the ones that had really good cuts were rediculously expensive and I wanted to keep the price within range.

In the end we are designing my ring together. He got what he wanted a big stone, and unique setting that represents us. I got what I wanted a well cut color stone, in a setting that I love.

 I know if there had been a vintage family ring though I would have been fine with whatever it was. I'm extremely sentimental. He knew this going into the proccess but found out reccently how sentimental when we found out the stone we chose together wasnt going to work and we had to pick another. I got very upset. For me though I know my ring will be beautiful what matters is the sentiment. I like that its going to be what I love because he wanted it that way, but more than anything I love that his efforts in this were because of me. I suggested a cheaper setting but he said no, I suggested a smaller stone but he knew I'd never upgrade so he wanted it big from the get go. The ring is so much about symbolism so I'm with these ladies you'll probably end up loving it no matter what it is. I love when women get vintage rings . There is something special about having that ring handed down its a blessing in itself in my opinion for your marraige.

leia1979

You might see how your BF feels about modifying the ring. As PP said, give it some time anyway, because you might like it, but there are a lot of things that can be done if you don't.

I brought in my great aunt's ring with the thought of reusing the diamonds. It didn't work out, but the jeweler told me it could be reworked into something much more modern looking if I ever wanted.

nextrightthing

Talk to him about it. Before we got engaged, I knew FI wanted to propose with a four generation heirloom. When he did propose, while I loved the stone, the setting was very old fashioned and I really wanted it reset. I talked to him about it, he was fine with getting it reset. So, we went to a jeweler who designed it with input from both of us. We both LOVE it and I had so much fun designing it. As pp said, just talk to him once you're engaged.