The "age" rant

xweddingbutterflyx

I'm sure this has been written before, but I just find it necessary to write about it again...

My boyfriend is 20 years old and I'm 21 and when we get engaged I will be 22. I keep trying to "warn" my parents that I am going to get engaged soon and that they should be ready, but they're not taking me seriously. They don't think I'm too young to get engaged (I'm going to be graduating from University this year and my career will soon follow...they're very big on being financially set which I think I am on the right path for...), but they think my fiance is "far too young" to be getting engaged.

Now, I'm not freaking out that much about it since we're not engaged yet, but I'm worried about what's going to happen when we are in the near future. How will I combat people (not just my parents, but probably my extended family too) about them saying that my FI is too young? I know I shouldn't have to even defend myself, but my family is quite judgmental and I want to avoid feeling like nobody is supporting me.

jaycee7389

Honestly, my best advice would be to just listen to their concerns and explain to them that you feel you are making the right decision. Usually, 20 year-olds are not ready for marriage..but that doesn't mean it is the case for everyone. I do agree that you should both wait until you are financially independent from your parents and prepared to take care of youselves--but that goes with any age.

bethsmiles

In all honesty when girls come on this board or any other board (usually the students board) and complain about people (especially family and friends) who think either she or her FI/BF or both are not mature enough to get married I pretty much assume that thier friends and family are seeing something she isn't.

Nobody that BF and I know has ever said that we are too young to be talking about getting married. In fact both of our families are pushing for us to get married sooner.

If it were me I would listen to their concerns with an open mind. Ask them why they feel the way they do and then take some time to consider what they tell you.

xweddingbutterflyx

My family has not taken the time to get to know him nor will they ever take the time to get to know him. All they care about is that he is financially well off enough to "take care of me". He is gradding this year as well from university and already has a job secured that will turn into his career. My family has always referred to him as a 'baby' since they met him 4 years ago which makes me believe they will still call him a baby when he's 28. We have thought this through and they don't think it's a lack of planning or that we're rushing, they just don't like the his age's 'number'.

bethsmiles

No need to get defensive. All I'm wondering is if you've really sat down with an open mind and talked with your family about their concerns. They are a lot more likely to accept your defenses if they feel as though their concerns have been heard.

CCO2012

Honestly, when I was engaged at 19 to my EX I didn't seek approval from my parents. If you feel like your parents need to approve of you engagement, you probably aren't ready to be engaged.

kaitlynmichelle

20/21 is very young to be getting married.   Just wait and experience life on your own for a bit (meaning away from family, supporting yourself, etc.)

I also don't know any 20 year old boys who are really ready to get married.  At 23/24 I sometimes think that we're too young to consider getting married yet.

Have a talk with your parents about why you think you should be getting married now, and why they disagree.  

I also want to warn you that just because you will have a degree soon doesn't mean you will get a career job right away.  Not that it isn't possible of course.  But BF and I have had degrees for a year and a half now and have had zero luck getting jobs in our fields.  Just a thought.  Its not wise to assume you'll have a career and be financially stable as an argument for being ready to get married.

Swazzle

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:9fe46e9f-f48c-4b9b-a82d-9c5bbebb1b9c">The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure this has been written before, but I just find it necessary to write about it again... My boyfriend is 20 years old and I'm 21 and when we get engaged I will be 22.<strong> I keep trying to "warn" my parents that I am going to get engaged soon and that they should be ready</strong>, but they're not taking me seriously. They don't think I'm too young to get engaged (I'm going to be graduating from University this year and my career will soon follow...they're very big on being financially set which I think I am on the right path for...), but they think my fiance is "far too young" to be getting engaged. Now, I'm not freaking out that much about it since we're not engaged yet, but I'm worried about what's going to happen when we are in the near future. How will I combat people (not just my parents, but probably my extended family too) about them saying that my FI is too young? I know I shouldn't have to even defend myself, but my family is quite judgmental and I want to avoid feeling like nobody is supporting me.
Posted by xweddingbutterflyx[/QUOTE]

<div>I really want to know what this means. Ready for what? To congratulate you for being engaged? What more do they need to be ready for?</div>

[Deleted User]

You're both only 1 year apart, right? I really don't see why your parents would feel he isn't ready for marriage if they honestly think that you are. You are BOTH fairly young, but not ridiculously young, to be getting married. I can understand the financial stability aspect. Perhaps they are more concerned that he will still be in school (ie: not working yet) when you get engaged? I would think that should be a valid concern.

Try to hear your parents out. What's the rush for marriage anyway? A lot can change in a person's life after college - so maybe your parent's aren't way off base here. I'd suggest not worrying about "the next step" until it actually gets here.

peekaboo2011

PP's hit the nail on the head.  There's something else that you just aren't seeing.  And to top that off, your "warning" them that you're getting engaged is immature.

When I got engaged to my ex this past year, I didn't warn anyone.  And my parents were stoic about the whole thing - they didn't want to squash my happiness, but they really weren't happy because they really didn't like this guy.  If I had sat down with my parents to discuss things before we got engaged, I probably could have saved him $3500 in his student loans and both of us a lot of heartache.  I'm not saying that that is your case at all.  I'm 21 now.  And I agree that it IS young.  It's hard to know what you really want or what you really need.  It's easy to see what you think you want in a relationship, but a lot of times it doesn't necessarily mean that it's what you need.  Does that make sense?

Take a step back.  Talk to your parents.  And really don't rush into this.  If he really is the man you're going to spend the rest of your life with, then it doesn't matter if you get engaged at 21 or 26.  

Also, I would be concerned too if he were only 20.  My ex was 27 and definitely not ready for marriage.  Not everyone is the same, I recognize that. But men are weird, and you have to really look at the situation hard.  Although, perhaps a giant red flag was "Jeremiah, we can't afford to get married" "It's okay.  That's what student loans are for."  My point is, talk to him about this.  Talk to him about where you are in your lives NOW, and where you are going to be in 6 months.  Separate from marriage.  There is a lot that goes into a wedding, and a marriage, and you don't want to start on the wrong foot.

Lil B Mama

I think you need to realize that your family is genuinely concerned for your well being. They aren't telling you your 20 year old BF isn't ready for marriage because they are trying to be mean, it's beacuse 99.99% of 20 year old men are NOT ready for mariage. If they have known him for 4 years and they still think this way, maybe there's some truth to it. If you know the relationship is solid, then you have nothing to lose by holding  off on engagement for a few more years. At that point, you will be taken more seriously by your family and have a few years real world experience under your belt, problem solved!

lennonkdc

Maybe they are concerned about you being engaged at 22 because they don't want to see you divorced by 25. 

Growing up and getting older are two separate things. Growing up includes being able to listen to criticism with an open mind, seeing the wisdom in the advice of others with more life experience and realizing that you don't know everything. Getting older just means you made it to one more birthday. 

jaycee7389

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:f74964cf-7f5c-480a-8067-2002d0dc58ef">Re: The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe they are concerned about you being engaged at 22 because they don't want to see you divorced by 25.  Growing up and getting older are two separate things. <strong>Growing up includes being able to listen to criticism with an open mind, seeing the wisdom in the advice of others with more life experience and realizing that you don't know everything. Getting older just means you made it to one more birthday. </strong>
Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

This.

jemmini6

PP's have addressed a lot of really good points, so I'll bring up a few questions.

Who do you live with now?  Who does he live with now?  Who pays the majority of your bills?  Who pays the majority of his bills?

If the answer to any of those questions involves any other person but you or your BF, or any other means of money other than working, then you aren't ready to get married.  This is true whether you are 20 or 45.

oceana919

1) Why are you "warning people" that you are about to get engaged? For one, it's never (and I do mean never, regardless of how much in lurve you guys are) a sure thing, and two, you are taking any degree to excitement or surprise out of the entire situation.

2) Your parents love you. They care about your well-being and your future. If they are expressing concerns, there is a damn good chance they are valid concerns coming from the heart. I highly doubt they are just trying to poop on your parade for no good reason.

3) I am not saying that every single young marriage ends in divorce. There are couples that have the maturity and security to get married at a young age and have a stable, successful marriage. However, the number of young marriages that do not succeed outnumber the successful ones.

4) From the age of 18 to 25, your life will change. Aspects of your personality will change, your values and priorities will change. That period of time is the most pivotal in your life, and what is important to you or what makes you happy now might not be what's important/makes you happy a year or two down the road. You owe it to yourself, and your potential marriage, to start your marriage off on the most stable of footing possible, and part of that is making sure that you are marrying the person you are supposed to be. A major part of that is growing up and maturing, and I'm sorry, but you're still in that process.

5) Are you financially independent? Do you pay all of your own bills? Who is currently providing for your education? Where are you currently living and who is responsible for paying for your living expenses? Unless you are currently capable of living independently and are financially stable, you should not be getting married. You owe it to yourself, your partner, and your marriage to start your marriage out on the most solid, stable foundation possible, and a huge part of that is having financial independence and stability. There are already going to be enough obstacles that will come into your way in the first years of your marriage - financial instability is one that you don't want to face if you don't have to, because I've seen it destroy more marriages than I can count.

wink0erin

I doubt age is the real issue here. It seems more like they want you both to be mature and in a financially stable position. LISTEN TO THEM! I seriously wish I had listened to my parents more when I was in my late teens/early 20s, it would have saved me a lot of trouble.

Think of it this way, if you're both graduating this school year (I assume spring) and have jobs lined up, that's only a few months away. Get to that point first and THEN think about marriage. Right now you should both focus on what's important, getting through school and starting careers.

wink0erin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:9fe46e9f-f48c-4b9b-a82d-9c5bbebb1b9c">The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Now, I'm not freaking out that much about it since we're not engaged yet, but I'm worried about what's going to happen when we are in the near future. How will I combat people (not just my parents, but probably my extended family too) about them saying that my FI is too young? I know I shouldn't have to even defend myself, but my family is quite judgmental and I want to avoid feeling like nobody is supporting me.
Posted by xweddingbutterflyx[/QUOTE]

To answer your original question, if people say he is too young, you could say "He's very mature for his age." But that only works if it's true. Or you could say "I know we are young but... *insert insightful comment about life and the commitment to marriage." Basically you'd want to be as mature as possible about it. That means no eye rolling or saying "UGHHH YOU GUYS SUCK WE'RE GETTING MARRIED WHETHER YOU LIKE IT OR NOT." Maturity will win in this case.

(The above caps-locked comment was actually uttered by a friend of mine in college when she realized we didn't like her almost FI... they didn't last =\)

heyimbren

Side note: I don't see how the argument that YOU don't know any 20 year olds ready to get married, means that there aren't any. They may be far and few between, but that just doesn't make sense to me. Just a general comment.

Also, OP: I'm going to point out something that hasn't been brought up yet, because I think plenty of other posters have made valid points and worded things very well.

But the reality is, your family just might not be that excited or support you in this. What will you do then? What if you CAN'T convince them to be excited that you two are getting engaged and that he's the right guy for you? Maybe they're seeing something that you aren't, or maybe there are other reasons. But you have nothing to lose by addressing their concerns head on and considering them.

TheMutleys

How do you guys plan on paying for the wedding?

xweddingbutterflyx

I understand all of your input. Most of your points surrounds the idea of being 'financially set' is a larger issue than I think. Totally understandable since the statistics for finding a job right out of university in the correct field are really low as you guys mentioned. 

I'm self employed and my business pays all of my bills (food, car, etc.). I completely own my car, have no student loans and I've received a big enough inheritance to buy a house w/o a mortgage and my parents have already agreed to pay for my wedding. If I don't get hired in my field right away I can just stay full time on my business instead of part time. My parents only care about my boyfriend being able to take care of me financially because it 'looks good'. They know that I'll be able to afford a lifestyle in which I won't be drowning in debt.

We are also having a long engagement so it's not like we're going to run off and get married in a year. We just need to be engaged in order to look for a house that we can both move into (because my parents would think that we were trying to live together before getting married which would be completely wrong in their eyes). Living on our own is out of the question since a) parents think that renting is dumping your money into an empty hole, but more importantly b) both of our parents don't believe in moving out of our houses until we're married.

As for emotionally being ready I could see how that could be a concern for most parents since all of you guys seem to think that a 20 year old guy isn't ready, but he says he is and he acts like he is so I'm not going to question that or tell him to slow down because I myself am ready and if someone told me I wasn't I would be angry.

So back to the original question...I might not have to 'defend' myself. Maybe my parents will just accept it and be happy about it. I'm just worried that it might come up so how should I deal with it?

Beads921

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:9fe46e9f-f48c-4b9b-a82d-9c5bbebb1b9c">The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm sure this has been written before, but I just find it necessary to write about it again...<strong> My boyfriend</strong> is 20 years old and I'm 21 and when we get engaged I will be 22. I keep trying to "warn" my parents that I am going to get engaged soon and that they should be ready, but they're not taking me seriously. They don't think I'm too young to get engaged (I'm going to be graduating from University this year and my career will soon follow...they're very big on being financially set which I think I am on the right path for...), but they think<strong> my fiance</strong> is "far too young" to be getting engaged. Now, I'm not freaking out that much about it since we're <strong>not engaged yet</strong>, but I'm worried about what's going to happen when we are in the near future. How will I combat people (not just my parents, but probably my extended family too) about them saying that<strong> my FI</strong> is too young? I know I shouldn't have to even defend myself, but my family is quite judgmental and I want to avoid feeling like nobody is supporting me.
Posted by xweddingbutterflyx[/QUOTE]

Anyone else catch this discrepancy?

OP: All the PPs have had great advice! If you family thinks you're too young, you might think about listening. Parents can often see things we can't, and they tend to be quite wise. Try really listening to them and talking about it. It can and should be a 2-way conversation.

I also don't get why you feel the need to warn people you'll be getting engaged. When it happens, great! But until then, stop worrying about it.

xweddingbutterflyx

These worries of no acceptance from my parents are simply because any decision I have ever made in my life without their input is wrong to them. Every single time. Doesn't matter what I do it's just always wrong even if in the end it worked out better than they thought....

They like my boyfriend and they think that he treats me right. When I talk about my wedding or getting engaged they don't object. My mom will just say something like "he's a baby" but then when I start talking about actual plans, she gets excited about them....so really, the only negative thing she has said is that he's a baby and that's it. There's no other backing to it. She simply just says that. She doesn't say any other criticism.

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:1570f8a7-b153-4cc4-b172-db5be165691a">Re: The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I understand all of your input. Most of your points surrounds the idea of being 'financially set' is a larger issue than I think. Totally understandable since the statistics for finding a job right out of university in the correct field are really low as you guys mentioned. 

I'm self employed and my business pays all of my bills (food, car, etc.). I completely own my car, have no student loans and I've received a big enough inheritance to buy a house w/o a mortgage and my parents have already agreed to pay for my wedding. If I don't get hired in my field right away I can just stay full time on my business instead of part time. My parents only care about my boyfriend being able to take care of me financially because it 'looks good'. They know that I'll be able to afford a lifestyle in which I won't be drowning in debt.

We are also having a long engagement so it's not like we're going to run off and get married in a year. We just need to be engaged in order to look for a house that we can both move into (because my parents would think that we were trying to live together before getting married which would be completely wrong in their eyes). Living on our own is out of the question since a) parents think that renting is dumping your money into an empty hole, but more importantly b) both of our parents don't believe in moving out of our houses until we're married.

As for emotionally being ready I could see how that could be a concern for most parents since all of you guys seem to think that a 20 year old guy isn't ready, but he says he is and he acts like he is so I'm not going to question that or tell him to slow down because I myself am ready and if someone told me I wasn't I would be angry.

So back to the original question...I might not have to 'defend' myself. Maybe my parents will just accept it and be happy about it. I'm just worried that it might come up so how should I deal with it?
Posted by xweddingbutterflyx[/QUOTE]

You are either mature enough to make your own decisions and deal with their repercussions, or you are not. 

xweddingbutterflyx

We won't move in together when we're engaged. We will just find a house and he will most likely live in the house before we get married so we're not just getting engaged so we can move out....

In the end, you guys are totally right. If I'm mature enough to do something then I shouldn't have to worry about their "approval" ...and it's not as if I'm engaged right now so I don't even have to worry about it. If my parents do end up saying something really awful then they must have a very valid reason. Just bored and thus I overthink...haha. Thanks ladies, you guys are always helpful

Swazzle

I still want to know what you're "warning" your parents to be ready for.....?

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:a3832778-cbcc-4561-8658-72c72579e3f2">Re: The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]I still want to know what you're "warning" your parents to be ready for.....?
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

She lives at home.  They will need a barn for the rainbow unicorn.  Duh.

Swazzle

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:f74964cf-7f5c-480a-8067-2002d0dc58ef">Re: The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe they are concerned about you being engaged at 22 because they don't want to see you divorced by 25.  Growing up and getting older are two separate things. Growing up includes being able to listen to criticism with an open mind, seeing the wisdom in the advice of others with more life experience and realizing that you don't know everything. Getting older just means you made it to one more birthday. 
Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]

This says it so well.

OP, i think that you show that you're ready for marriage by listening to your parents' concerns, taking them seriously, and trying to address them. It doesn't have to be a one time conversation. You and your BF can have an ongoing dialog with them about their concerns.

I don't necessarily think people your age cannot have successful marriages. I just think it's unlikely. So I do think age might be your parents' primary concern.

If that is NOT the primary concern, then, again, I think you need to listen to what they have to say and take it very seriously.

So, in short, talk to your parents and go from there. We're here to give advice and help you through. Please keep us updated!

lennonkdc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:fb1fc5cc-f785-418e-8b6a-1be85168a830">Re: The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The "age" rant : This says it so well. OP, i think that you show that you're ready for marriage by listening to your parents' concerns, taking them seriously, and trying to address them. It doesn't have to be a one time conversation. You and your BF can have an ongoing dialog with them about their concerns. I don't necessarily think people your age cannot have successful marriages. I just think it's unlikely. So I do think age might be your parents' primary concern. If that is NOT the primary concern, then, again, I think you need to listen to what they have to say and take it very seriously. So, in short, talk to your parents and go from there. We're here to give advice and help you through. Please keep us updated!
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

<div>HOLY SH!T-- I just noticed your ticker!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!</div>

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_age-rant?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:2a51de85-716f-4731-b36e-d1c94d3b8fa9Post:2071168f-d7a0-4819-b7ea-16b3cf5cfe8e">Re: The "age" rant</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: The "age" rant : HOLY SH!T-- I just noticed your ticker!!!!!!!!!! CONGRATS!!!!!!!!!
Posted by lennonkdc[/QUOTE]
lol I did the same thing earlier XD!!