To soon for engagement party?

tlynch3

My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years now. Although he hasn't officially proposed (he already has the ring) we know that we will be getting married in two years. He's graduating in May and many of his family members will be coming in from out of town. Because of this we've agreed that it would be the perfect time to also have an engagement party during that weekend. Which means he has from now until the end of April to propose. Is it to soon to have an engagement party for a wedding thats two years ago. 

p.s. - we are having a two-year engagement because he is going abroad for two years. 

Ana_2985

You should not throw yourselves an engagement party.  If someone wants to throw one for you they will offer it.  But it is poor etiquette to throw a party for yourself.

If people are going to be in town why don't you just have a graduation/going away party for your BF?  That way he can propose whenever he wants.

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_soon-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:31149889-6238-4b18-8f1a-dcb6fcd89fa6Post:5a11117a-fae3-4b33-9456-20cca59f7793">To soon for engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]My boyfriend and I have been dating for five years now. Although he hasn't officially proposed (he already has the ring) we know that we will be getting married in two years. He's graduating in May and many of his family members will be coming in from out of town. Because of this we've agreed that it would be the perfect time to also have an engagement party during that weekend. Which means he has from now until the end of April to propose. Is it to soon to have an engagement party for a wedding thats two years ago.  p.s. - we are having a two-year engagement because he is going abroad for two years. 
Posted by tlynch3[/QUOTE]

How old are you? 

Do you mean for a wedding that will be in 2 years?  Why are you insisting you get engaged now if you won't be getting married for at least 2 years?

#1 Engagement parties are NOT a necessity.
#2 It is in poor form to throw yourselves an engagement party.

C) Yes, it is too soon to plan an engagement party when you are not actually engaged.

P.S. Your bio has you with a wedding date that is three years away.

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noelle24

1) You cannot throw your own engagement party.  It is in poor taste to throw any party that is in honor of yourself. So, when the time comes, that means that you cannot throw your own bridal shower (nor can your mother) or your own bacheloretter.  Other people can choose to honor you with these parties, but they are not *required* to do so.

I agree... just throw a graduation party.

So your question of "is it too soon" is moot.

HOWEVER, engagement parties are supposed to happen shortly after you get engaged, no matter how long your engagement is. So IF you get engaged in April and one of your FAMILIES wants to throw you a party around graduation, that would be fine.

2) I wish you the best of luck with the overseas LD relationship.  LD sucks giant donkey cojones.  I can't imagine trying to plan a wedding that way.  Planning a wedding 3.5 hours away from my FI is hard enough.

3) Mutley: I think you are biased by your short engagement.   Long engagements aren't necessarily bad things.  (Well, 5 years would be rididculous, but you get my drift).  It gives a couple time to save money and really think about what they do and don't want for a wedding.  THAT I don't have a problem with here.

Now, if you wanted to argue that someone who seems like they're still in undergrad should not be planning a wedding that is two years away, I might be on board...

**Mutley**

I am not completely anti-long engagements.  I am anti-any engagement that has to happen within a certain time frame.  Her reasoning is that the engagement must happen before his graduation.  So yes, I am assuming that she has not graduated yet and is not doing so this year.  Assume=Yes I am an a$s but that wouldn't be a new judgement.

I just don't get why she must get engaged now if they aren't planning on marrying for 2 years.  I understand getting engaged and THEN setting a date 2 years in the future because you want to save and budget.  However, that is not what she is insinuating. 

Also, having done an LDR, I cannot imagine going from being completely apart for 2 years to getting married.  I would want to get through part of that 2 years before getting engaged.  I would also want to plan the wedding for a little bit after he got back to make the transition less stressful. 

At the heart of all of this, I do need to know the poster's age to truly judge. 

noelle24

Ha, I'm with you. Trust me.  I'd have serious reservations about getting engaged to a man that I'd be lucky to see four times in 2 years.  It is freakin' HARD.

FI and I have been together 8 years, the last 4 of which have been semi-long distance (3.5 hours).  It sucks ass.  Neither of us want to get married until we are living in the same place for at least a few months.  This, along with other things,  means a long engagement.  Blargh.  BUT, we waited to get engaged until we had survived the LD thing for 3.5 years.  We figured if we can make it work this long, we can make anything work. But we're not still undergrads, so that makes a big difference too.

I just feel that sometimes people disparage long engagements just for the sake of it, when really, all that matters is what works best for the couple.**

**this is completely separate from the OP, of course.  More details would be nice from her.

MeganFace

I disagree with PPs about throwing your own engagment party...I've been to engagment parties the couples threw themselves and I don't recall anyone being offended by it, I had no idea it was taboo---then again, I've never been a big person on any type of etiquette, wedding or otherwise, so you'd be wise to listen to others over me! Haha..

Regardless of all that, my only advice is to definitely make sure you're actually engaged before you do it!

tlynch3

Clarifications!!!!!

Firstly, both sets of our parents will be hosting the engagement party. However the time frame for that would depend on us (BF and me). Second I am not INSISTING that he proposes. However, we have been dating for five years and agreed that the proposal would happen sometime this year. Third, I am currently in grad school and working full time, the two year engagemnet is for practical purposes. It gives us both time to save money in preparation for our future lives together and also because my BF would be away for that length of time. When he comes back I will be 27 and would not like to get married much later than that.

p.s. - I know my wedding timeline says 2013 but I created my profile awhlie back daydreaming about my wedding a little before we actually seriously started talking about a timeline for getting married.

Ana_2985

Megan- The reason it's poor etiquette is that in many places, engagement parties are gift-giving events.  So if you through your own party it's like saying please come over and give me presents.  Even if they are not gift-giving events in an area, it's still a party thrown to celebrate yourself.  People probably wouldn't mention if they thought it was rude because that would be rude too.

EDIT: OP...okay well if that's the case, then I guess it's not too soon?

babybchbum

I would relax and let him propose when he is ready. He may have the ring but not truly be ready. I wish you the best of luck with this situation.

Ana_2985

Although I still have to agree with Mutley and Noelle on the difficulties with an LDR in addition to planning a wedding LD.

**Mutley**

I stand corrected and will wear said asshat. 

I still think it is weird to have a timeline for a proposal, but to each their own.  From your clarification, it sounds as if the two of you have truly discussed what is best for you both.

MeganFace

Makes sense re: the gifts angle...

tlynch, thanks for clarifying--and I can understand being anxious after being together many years, but you definitely shouldn't take your age into consideration. Take it from an unmarried, unengaged, 30-year old. I thought when I was your age that by now I'd be living in the suburbs with a husband and three kids and a freaking minivan. Things don't always go the way you think they will, but it all ends up for the best (I don't have any of those things, but I'm sublimely happy...go figure!)

**Mutley**

You wanted a minivan?  I seriously judge that.    Haha. 

MeganFace

I know, it's pretty shameful! Although those minivans with the automatic sliding doors do seem pretty money. (Hee hee...)

paintgirl

MeganFace - I was right with you until you got to "suburbs" and I was completely gone at "minivan"! YOu are full of surprises.

All - About the engagement party thing, The Knot says that as couples are older when they get married (eh-HEM) it is no longer taboo for the couple to host their own engagement party. In some circles engagement parties are not gift-giving events (some etiquette says not to register before engagement party to avoid this issue), so it's just a couple celebrating with friends and family.

Interesting to see the board so unified on this one though! My BF and I were considering a surprise wedding during an engagement party. Friends of ours did this - it was really cool and avoided a TON of family BS during planning.

Norway_T

IF you want an engagement party now, through it for yourself.  I personally don't see wrong with doing it if its what you want. Although I think it would be tasteless to ask for presents so early. But  I see nothing wrong with celebrating your new your commitment/engagement with friends and familiy.

Ana_2985

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_soon-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:31149889-6238-4b18-8f1a-dcb6fcd89fa6Post:44a61633-5236-42cc-8130-d4ac5e7ae31a">Re: To soon for engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE] But  I see nothing wrong with celebrating your new your commitment/engagement with friends and familiy.
Posted by Norway_T[/QUOTE]

IMO, that's what the wedding is for.  I just feel like people will think "How many times are we going to celebrate you?"

And to other PP, I wouldn't always trust what the knot tells you is okay.  But that's also just my opinion.

noelle24

Yes, we all know TK is altruisitic.  Now, if they were part of the wedding business, you could easily see how they could make more money off yet *another* party to throw for an engagement/wedding.... oh wait.

That being said, etiquette can vary by social circle, so it could be the norm in your area.  HOWEVER, just because one or two couples did it doesn't automatically make it okay.

I've been to a couple engagement parties, and it was always awkward because some people brought gifts and others didn't.  So you don't always know how it will be perceived if you throw it yourself. 

If you really want to celebrate with family and friends, you can do what my FI did.  He arranged to have a party the night we got engaged, but didn't tell anyone why.  When we showed up, we announced our engagement.  So we got to celebrate with our friends, but no one felt awkward about not having a gift.

Norway_T

I maintain do what you think is best for you and what you want to do.

ashleyjo09

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_soon-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:31149889-6238-4b18-8f1a-dcb6fcd89fa6Post:d529252e-7d5b-43b7-880c-6c68b0aa5df8">Re: To soon for engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE] He arranged to have a party the night we got engaged, but didn't tell anyone why.  When we showed up, we announced our engagement.  So we got to celebrate with our friends, but no one felt awkward about not having a gift.
Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

This is what I was going to suggest...just have a big dinner and celebrate his graduation and announce your engagement then.

katanne9

IMO, I wouldn't do the surprise engagement party thing RIGHT after you get engaged. 2 of my good friends had this (got proposed to and whisked off to their surprise e-party), and while it was wonderful, they were SO overwhemled they kept crying. Getting engaged was a whirlwind enough. If you want a surprise engagement party, I would wait a few days and then tell everyone.

noelle24

I think it depends on the person.  I was thrilled to be able to celebrate with friends that night.  My FI knew me well enough to know that this would be (and was) a great way for us to announce things. But there certainly would be nothing wrong with waiting a few days to announce it either.

ekathleen684

IMO, I could skip the engagement party, I kind of think of them as unnecessary and awkward because some bring gifts and others don't. I do however, like the dinner to announce your engaged rather than an engagement party.

While were on the subject of etiquette, a friend of mine sent a facebook invite to their Superbowl party and in the invite it said they will be passing a bowl around for people to contribute money to the party. I saw this as pretty tacky and don't think you should throw a party if your going to outright ask for money to pay for it.

MeganFace- A minivan? LOL. I've always hated minivans and tell BF no matter how many kids we have, I will never drive a minivan. I'd rather have a trailer hooked up to the back of my pickup truck for the children to ride in, LOL

MattsAnnie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_soon-engagement-party?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:31149889-6238-4b18-8f1a-dcb6fcd89fa6Post:65d51894-4ed8-45f1-9288-a028039adcfa">Re: To soon for engagement party?</a>:
[QUOTE]  A minivan? LOL. I've always hated minivans and tell BF no matter how many kids we have, I will never drive a minivan. I'd rather have a trailer hooked up to the back of my pickup truck for the children to ride in, LOL
Posted by ekathleen684[/QUOTE]

Im so with you on this!