When should I bring up a timeline regarding kids?

tjah

My boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I aren't engaged, but we're about as close as you can get to it. Basically the only reason there isn't a ring on this finger is finances; he was laid off for most of last year and now has about 7,000$ in debt he wants to pay off first. He has flat out told me he is going to ask me though, and we've had many many conversations both regarding hypothetical wedding planning and our lives after.

During one of these conversations, he's mentioned that he'd like to have kids by the time he's 30. He's currently 27 and I'm 23. I definitely don't think I'll feel ready for kids by then, I want to do more travelling and possibly take my masters before that. On top of that, I won't live with him as a girlfriend or fiance. But I know the first year of marriage is supposed to be the hardest, and living together for the first time then will likely make it even harder. I want to get past that tough stuff and hopefully get our relationship even stronger before bringing kids into the mix, so I'm thinking 3 years minimum after a wedding.

I don't want him to propose before he normally would have just because of this though, and bringing it up when we're technically still "just dating" does feel a little premature so I"m wondering, should I give him the heads up now, rather then keeping him in the dark, or should I wait until we're "officially" official?

loopy82

Since he has told you what his intended timeline is I think you should share yours. I met my DH when he was 27 and I was 24. Within the first year we were dating he said that he always that he would be married and have a kid before he was 30. By that I was thinking that he would want to get engaged and then married in the somewhat near future. Well we got married on our 4 year anniversary. He is now 31 (almost 32) and we have no immediate plans to TTC. 

Your BF may have always thought that was the timeline that he wanted if life worked out perfectly. Life doesn't always work out the way people intended. If you really aren't comfortable with having a child in the next 3 years that is something you need to talk to him about. It is not solely up to him when you start TTC. It needs to be and should be a mutual decision.

Ana_2985

I think you should definitely talk about it with him now.  It's great that he doesn't want to get married before his finances are straightened out and I think it's great that you don't want to rush into getting married and having kids until you accomplish some of your goals.  It sounds like you guys have a great, open relationship so I think talking about your general life plans can only make your situation better.

bethsmiles

You should talk about it with him now. Kids is a big discussion that needs to be had before marriage or a proposal. Don't be afraid of talking to him about it, it sounds like you have a really good relationship. As long as you are both open minded and flexible I'm sure you can come to a compromise that both of you are happy with.

leia1979

Definitely talk about it sooner than later. It's an important topic, and I don't think you're rushing to bring it up now.

Also, I get the feeling in their 20s, a lot of people feel like "I need to accomplish x, y, and z by the time I'm 30." But in my experience, once you hit 30, you'll feel more like, "Wow, weren't we just graduating high school not that long ago?"

I would hope that being a dad at 33 or 35 isn't a deal breaker for him.

Beads921

It's only fair that since he's told you his ideal 'timeline' that you tell him yours. If you're as close as you say you are, it shouldn't be a deal breaker or cause any big problems. You shouldn't be trying to have kids until you're ready to and comfortable with that. 

CWill16

I would tell him what you are thinking as soon as possible.

It isn't fair if he proposes and thinks you are agreeing with his time line and desire to have kids right away. Your silence about the issue indicates approval and agreement. Don't wait until it is too late, tell him what you are thinking and work to find a solution or a compromise. If you are serious about marrying him this will be a great test as to how you handle a difference in opinion that effects you both. Good luck!

Blue & White

I would tell him your feelings on the matter, but also realize that you'll both probably change your timelines as time goes on.  The girls (or guys) that are obsessed with meeting their timeline goals are kinda well...psycho.  (you totally don't sound like you are, but I'm just warning you!)

[Deleted User]

I turned 36 in July and FI will be 42 next month.  This is my first marriage and his second.  Neither one of us has children.  I always thought I would have kids when I was younger, but life had other plans for me.  FI is the same way - he's been divorced for 6 years - he did help his ex-wife raise her 2 young children while they were married (in fact, the ex made him believe the younger one was his for some time before his family convinced him to get a paternity test). 

We are eager to have children, but know that with the way our finances are right now, we would be smart to wait a little while before TTC.  We started talking about children about a month after we started dating.  We wanted to make sure we were on the same page.  Our timeline for having kids has changed so many times since we started dating, but it's our timeline together, not individual timelines.

So, just talk to him.  Let him know why you would rather wait and have a good discussion about it.

jemmini6

My FI and I are exactly the same ages you are, I'm 23 and FI is 27.  We had the children talk a while back and luckily are both on the same page that we still have a lot of stuff we want to do before we have kids. (which will be after 30 for FI).  Although, I can't imagine getting engaged NOT being in agreement, or at least having had a mutual discussion on the topic.  I agree with PP's that the sooner the better.  You don't want to lead him on in thinking that you are on board with having kids in 3 years.  If you can't agree right now, at least you'll know each other's positions before taking the next step.

johnsonia

talk to him asap. i am in a similar situation (no ring due to finances...etc...) however my bf is significantly older than i am.  we are together for 4 1/2 yrs and hes been wanting kids for the past two. we live together for ab 4 years. i am ready for kids also but would like to be married first. his clock is ticking much louder than mine. he doesnt want to be an "old" dad and therefore will not want more than one. i, on the other hand would like 2 or 3. we have agreed to start TTC now. and have the intention to get formally engaged (ring) by the end of the year and marred in the next year or so.

if this is the guy, then have the talk and be prepared for compromise.

tafft1

Don't be afraid to talk to him about it now - it's important to express your concerns rather than just let time pass then let it build up and possibly turn into a negative argument or confusion why this wasn't talked about earlier. Years ago in my original timeline I figured I would have kids by now ( I am 32) - now I am thinking closer to 25 due to several reasons. Also take into account you may or may not be able to immediately make it happen even if you are trying constantly - life dosen't follow what we always want without some twists and turns along the way.

Just be open and honest about your feelings - I admire you for not living together until marriage - and though I could not do it , I think you are right in stating that it can be the hardest first month especially and not wanting to add too much at once is a wise approach. It is good to have a general idea of a timeline for things - just both of you need to keep in mind things can change whether we want them to or are ready or not. By staying on top of it now , you can be a step ahead though. Good luck

mellimel19

Like PPs have said, I think you should have the talk with your bf as soon as possible. This is something you want to be on the same page about before you get engaged. It sounds like you two communicate pretty well, so I don't think you'll have a problem bringing this up with him. Good luck on your discussion!

[Deleted User]

Ditto everyone else.  I hope that you feel comfortable enough in your relationship to bring this up.  If not, then you shouldn't even be thinking about marriage.  Just be open with him about what you'd like and see what his response is.

Good luck!

calindi

May I say that perhaps he doesn't realize how soon 30 will come, and that he'll still feel quite young?  Or that it means you'd have to get married super quick and start conceiving right away?  Sometimes guys will come up with these arbitrary deadlines without thinking about how they actually fall in the timeline of their lives.

My guy is 27 and I'm 24.  When we started dating 2 years ago, he said he wanted to have kids by the time he's 30.  When he turned 27, I asked him again jokingly if he still felt the same way.  He said he did (I'm definitely not ready to have kids within 3 years).  However, when we talked through exactly where we'd be in our lives at that point (specifically for us, my boyfriend will be just finishing up law school and starting training with the Marines) he realized that it was not a good idea.  And then he started talking about at what age he'd be done with training, and then settling into life with the Marines.  Solution?  After applying the timeline of starting a family over the already existing trajectory of our lives, we both agreed that when I'm 29-30 and he's 32-33 would be ideal.

dismalgrin

A guy that wants to have kids by the time he is 30? Wow... I've never heard of that. Before 30 it was always an 'oops' lol. Anyhow, really why is he naming 30? Because guys don't have that ticker thing and he can get you just as good an preggers at 40 as he can at 30! I wish I had your problem though. Lol... my man totally has called off kids without consulting me. I have had children when I was younger so I guess he feels that I probably am on the same page as him, but my kids don't live with me so... no... I'm not on the same page as him.

bethsmiles

My BF wants to start TTC when we are 27. I don't think its that weird for a guy to want to have kids before he is 30