oh the shame...

lennonkdc

Ok, so I'm coming clean- BF's mom comments about my and BF's potential wedding really ticked me off. She said if we wed, BF and I should not have a 'fancy' wedding, or at least it should not be fancier then BF's sis's, and I shouldn't wear a big fancy white dress, since we've been dating so long.

So I may have gone a bit BSC looking at dresses, and pics of a venue BF and I really like, and (dear lord I'm so ashamed...) invitations. gulp. I feel a film of shame covering my body. I just kinda wanted to reassure myself that even with a limited budget BF and I could still have a classic, elegant, wedding. I deleted everything that I saved to my computer in my fit "I'll show her" BCS-ness. I just felt like I needed to come clean....

Any way, I start my new Monday! Hurray!! and I leave tomorrow AM for a long weekend with BF and my fam in the Lake Erie Islands Its supposed to be beautiful weather, so I'm really excited!!!

So, what are you ladies looking forward to this weekend?

Blue & White

So your potential FMIL's reasoning that you can't have a big wedding is that you've been in her family for the last 8 years?  That does not sound like fun at all.  I'm sorry you have to deal with her, especially once you get engaged, because she sounds like she's going to be annoying

That being said, it's good to admit your BSC, but now we know, so you have to be less BSC

We're cleaning up our old townhouse (we just moved) this weekend - not cool. But we're also starting to make our awesome Christmas presents this weekend too!  Yaaay woodworking!

AudgiePodge

Why are you letting her have that kind of infuence on you?

lennonkdc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_oh-shame?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:31e671b5-26f0-4605-b671-a23d8218e3daPost:984b06bd-eca1-477f-8615-308812b56870">Re: oh the shame...</a>:
[QUOTE]Why are you letting her have that kind of infuence on you?
Posted by AudgiePodge[/QUOTE]

<div>Because the woman intimidates me...and I suffer from periodic bout of insecurity. </div>

Hazel_B

Don't let her get to you. To me it sounds like she has some favourtism issues and is trying to justify them. She should be ashamed of implying that her son's wedding shouldn't be as good as his sister's.

CCO2012

Lennon, your BF's mom sounds like a real peach! Don't blame yourself, it happens to the best of  us. I confessed to my best friend that I saw that BF had taken the ring to be sized and she was like, "oh I know something, I know something" and I told her I know BF is going to ask before the end of the year and I didn't want to know if she knew anything else. I was so proud of myself!

Friday, I am making a giant breakfast for dinner for us and some friends and watching the Cardinals win. Saturday I'm throwing a going away party for my BFF (she is moving to New York). Sunday we will watch football and relax

becunning2

@Lennon:  I have had a similar bout of BSC... but I never saved anything to my computer. I just played around.  *cough*  I don't even have a reason like a mean FMIL who wants to rain on the parade because, gasp, I'd been around for 8 years. Not cool.  But don't let her ruin your sense of security. You're awesome, and your BF knows that. Congrats on the new job.  

@CCO:  Good job, way to resist!

jemmini6

Maybe she's just worried that you'll look better in a pretty dress than her daughter, so she's trying to make you feel like you don't 'deserve' to wear one.  That's my guess, because really, it's none of her business.

AudgiePodge

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_oh-shame?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:31e671b5-26f0-4605-b671-a23d8218e3daPost:6c0b532a-6cd2-4373-93ef-aab1e75d281e">Re: oh the shame...</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she's just worried that you'll look better in a pretty dress than her daughter, so she's trying to make you feel like you don't 'deserve' to wear one.  That's my guess, because really, it's none of her business.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]
I agree with this.

lennonkdc

I think she just has a very narrow view of marriage and weddings. She wed FFIL at 19, and they are still married. Their relationship is really rocky, very up and down. So I think the whole thing with her DD was an affirmation that fairy tales come  true (Love at first sight, wed w/in 8 months later, living in Japan now). BF and I aren't the script to a Rom Com, so she has no idea how to relate. 

She has told BF that he and I "don't mesh well"; has laughed when others have said he and I are a "good team" and told me that our relationship is not vaild b/c we are not married.  (FTR: I don't share details with her, nor does BF; nor do either of us agree with her 'valid' comment)

The thing is, none of this comes from a malicious place. She's been personally supportive of me, we hang out together from time to time, go to yoga together and what not. She just can not fathom our relationship. 

@CCO- I'm so proud of you

Lil B Mama

Thats an incredibly rude thing for her to say, you should be able to have whatever sort of wedding you want! I'm surprised she doesn't already consider you family after the better part of a decade with her son. Sorry you have to put up with comments like that, but at least you know not to take them to heart

CASK85

I know you know this, but the wedding is just one day. The thing that really matters is that you have a strong and lasting relationship with your BF. Don't let her narrow-minded view get to you anymore . . . it really isn't worth worrying about. 

MLekathLEEN

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_oh-shame?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:31e671b5-26f0-4605-b671-a23d8218e3daPost:6c0b532a-6cd2-4373-93ef-aab1e75d281e">Re: oh the shame...</a>:
[QUOTE]Maybe she's just worried that you'll look better in a pretty dress than her daughter, so she's trying to make you feel like you don't 'deserve' to wear one.  That's my guess, because really, it's none of her business.
Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

I agree with this. Don't listen to her, you and BF do what makes you two happy. If you want the big poofy dress, GET IT! I also think your wedding should be 10x awesomer than her daughter's because you've been together 10x longer.

lennonkdc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_oh-shame?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:31e671b5-26f0-4605-b671-a23d8218e3daPost:2e2dadfd-8900-4b06-82a1-ab8eee0c0cbd">Re: oh the shame...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: oh the shame... : I agree with this. Don't listen to her, you and BF do what makes you two happy. If you want the big poofy dress, GET IT! I also think <strong>your wedding should be</strong> <strong>10x awesomer than her daughter's because you've been together 10x longer.</strong>
Posted by MLekathLEEN[/QUOTE]

<div>DONE :) </div><div>
</div><div>Thanks ladies, I feel much better. </div><div>
</div><div>The thing about BF's mom is that she just lacks a filter. (FWIW she does consider me family, but then again her family is often prey for he lack of tact as well sooooo.....)</div>

dwest2201

10 x Awesomer for sure!

Just wanted to say a couple things...if you or BF haven't already tell her sternly that you and BF and doing what works for you and whether she means it or not her comments sometime scome off as hurtful...in my experience it can help.   

My exMIL was/is a tad snooty at times, she has some money, dressed very nice, and like the nicer things.  She is a nice person don't get me wrong, she just different about certain things.  There were a couple times that she wanted to do this party or buy something weird for us or our son and when I said no thanks, she was like "oh, buuuut you have to..." and I I had to say, look that's not who I am and no thank you (my family is very down to earth, even the ones who do very well for themselves)...I appreciate the offer but please just drop it.  After the second or third time she got the hint and then would say to me "what do you think about this...?"  or "It's up to you but I thought this would look cool, be a good time, etc.". 

She told me once that she knows she is different than a lot of people and appreciated me telling her where I stood and not letting her keep do things that bothered me and drive a wedge between us.  Years later after some domestic issues with her son and all that crap she still likes me, respects me as a person and treats me very well.  Just yesterday, I picked my son up from her house and she had a pot of chili going and begged me to please take some because it was too much for them!  

Long story!   Anywho, respectfully standing up for yourself doesn't have to hurt a relationship, it can make it better.  Good Luck to you!

thejucheidea

Man, that's super sh*tty of her. What does it matter how fancy her daughter's wedding was? That is pretty rude of her to act that way .

This weekend, I'm going to Seattle. We'll be there until Friday of next week. I cannot wait -- work has been awful lately.

Peaseblossom55

Sorry to hear about FMIL issues.  No one other than you and your FI should dictate how the wedding should be.  Don't let it get to you.

Going away for a long weekend with the BF to celebrate our two year anniversary! yay.

FrayedFire

I would be so tempted to have an icredible wedding just to spite her.

You should do what you and your BF want. It's YOUR day, not hers, and to hell with what she says. Be fancy and gorgeous.