Help! I don't know what to do!

[Deleted User]

Ok so here is the situation!
I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is a 22 year old marine. Right  now he is stationed in Cali, and I'm still in Oklahoma where both of our families are. We have known each other since high school, and have been dating for serveral months. I am confident in saying that he is the love of my life and that I could not imagine being any happier with any one else. Here's where the issues come along though. I am a junior at a major university here in Oklahoma and will be done in a year and a half. He is released in a year and will be coming home. He is coming home for christmas though this year, and I already know that he is planning on proposing and I am going to say yes. We have been discussing going ahead and get legally married when he is here though. It would be beneficial for both of us. He would be paid more and receive other financial benefits for being married, and I would be considered independent in my financial aid, and would not have to burden my parents with the situation anymore. See, my mother and her boyfriend cannot get married because his added income would ruin my financial aid, and because they can't get married, it is hurting their attempt at purchasing a house together. I want to do this to help them and us. This way we could have some money saved up for our big wedding when he comes home. But he also wants me to come back with him, and I need to finish school. There is just so much going on and I'm confused. Any advice?

Elle1036

I have advice, but I'm sure it's not what you want to hear. Ah well, I'll say it anyway. Wait. You're 21. You're a baby. Finish school, start your career, make sure you can be completely independent, and then start thinking about getting married. Siriusly. What's the rush?

caitlin.cave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:32d3148a-dd89-4515-b8bc-acdc5a2a5519Post:d74fb884-4f03-442f-8b6b-f4e853760ef1">Help! I don't know what to do!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so here is the situation! I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is a 22 year old marine. Right  now he is stationed in Cali, and I'm still in Oklahoma where both of our families are. We have known each other since high school, and have been <strong>dating for serveral months</strong>. I am confident in saying that he is the love of my life and that I could not imagine being any happier with any one else. Here's where the issues come along though. I am a junior at a major university here in Oklahoma and will be done in a year and a half. He is released in a year and will be coming home. He is coming home for christmas though this year, and I already know that he is planning on proposing and I am going to say yes. We have been discussing going ahead and get legally married when he is here though. It would be beneficial for both of us. He would be paid more and receive other financial benefits for being married, and I would be considered independent in my financial aid, and would not have to burden my parents with the situation anymore. See, my mother and her boyfriend cannot get married because his added income would ruin my financial aid, and because they can't get married, it is hurting their attempt at purchasing a house together. I want to do this to help them and us. This way <strong>we could have some money saved up for our big wedding</strong> when he comes home. <strong>But he also wants me to come back with him, and I need to finish school.</strong> There is just so much going on and I'm confused. Any advice?
Posted by Shebs917[/QUOTE]

I'm not going to say anything about your age because I personally don't think that's the hard and fast rule for relationships.  Some 21 year olds are ready, some are not.  Some 35 year olds are ready, some are not.  That being said, you've only been together "several months."  You need to spend more time getting to know this person before you commit your lives to each other.  Even if you've known each other for a really long time/have been really close for a really long time, being involved romantically with someone is MUCH different than being friends, even close ones.  You might love him and be very compatible with him, but until you've gotten to know each others' flaws as well as the good things, it's not wise to make that kind of commitment.

You very much need to finish school if that's the path you've been headed down until now.  If the two of you are really in this for the long haul, a year and a half would not make a difference.

As for getting legally married now and having your "wedding" later, most ladies here will tell you it's a bad idea in general.  By definition, you only get one wedding (barring remarrying after a divorce).  You only get to be joined in marriage once.  You have a choice to make: you can get married now, and save money on tuition, etc, or you can get married later and have the bigger wedding it sounds like you want.  You can't really have both.  And furthermore, what's the point of getting married and then being long-distance?  Just money?  I personally don't think money is a good reason to get married.

ravenray

Getting married for money is a bad idea.  You have only been dating for a few months and you are young so there is no harm in waiting.   What your mom and her BF do with their money is there choice.  While it is sweet you want to take that burden off of their shoulders, it is not worth it to get married just to do that.  Catlin is right you only get one wedding.  Also do you know how much army wives look down on women who marry their men just for the extra money?  Don't believe me?  Go post this same thing on the Military Board.  They don't like it, nope, not one bit.   Slow down.  Enjoy your relationship as it is now.   Give your relationship time.  If you try to force something you will strangle it.
EDIT: Honestly the biggest thing for me is how long you have been dating.  While it has been known to work there is also plently of people who it hasn't worked for.  Something to consider.

Beads921

You've been dating several months. That right there is enough for me to tell you that you shouldn't be worrying about any of this.

Either way, you can't get married now, and then have a wedding later. It doesn't work that way - caitlin did a good job of elaborating on this, so I won't bother. And getting married almost solely for financial reasons is just plain wrong - see raven's reply.

Finish school. Get a job. Then get married. No matter what, you shouldn't be leaving school to go be with your BF - that won't benefit either of you.

If you're really going to spend the rest of your life with this guy, waiting a little longer won't hurt. There are ladies on here who have been with their BFs for 2, 4, 5, 7+ years, and they're still not engaged. I was with FI for over 4 years when he proposed, and we're probably still a year and a half from getting married.

ElleB87

You get one wedding. That's it.

Also, being legally married plays NO part in being qualified for a mortgage - having money for the down payment, a stable income and credit history is what qualifies you for a mortgage.  There are plenty of single people who own homes.

freebread03

You've been dating for several months.  And it sounds like you are both long distance, and therefore likely haven't spent much time dating in person.  Why not wait until you finish school and he is able to move back home, spend some time dating in person, and THEN decide if you really want to get married.

Getting married for the extra income isn't a good reason at all, and your mom and her boyfriend will not have an easier time buying a house just because they're married. As a PP said, marriage has no bearing on qualifying for a mortgage.

Oh, and if you get married now, that doesn't mean you get to have a big wedding later--BECAUSE YOU'LL ALREADY BE MARRIED!

jaycee7389

You get one wedding, take your pick.

kaitlynmichelle

You can't get married now and have a big wedding later.  You'll already be married.

Slow down a bit, you've been together a few months.  Life will not end if you don't get married right away.  

The other ladies have pretty much said it all, don't get married for financial reasons.  Finish school, find a job, enjoy life together.  

bethsmiles

You shouldn't get married because you don't want to be a burden to your parents anymore. You can't have two weddings without getting divorced in between. You still need to finish school and for goodness sake you've only been dating a few months and it's been long distance. Honestly, it just doesn't sound like it's the right time to be getting married.

You can become legally emancipated from your parents before you are 23 without getting married by the way.

TheMutleys

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dont?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:32d3148a-dd89-4515-b8bc-acdc5a2a5519Post:d74fb884-4f03-442f-8b6b-f4e853760ef1">Help! I don't know what to do!</a>:
[QUOTE]Ok so here is the situation!
I am 21 years old and my boyfriend is a 22 year old marine. Right  now he is stationed in Cali, and I'm still in Oklahoma where both of our families are. We have known each other since high school, and have been dating for serveral months. I am confident in saying that he is the love of my life and that I could not imagine being any happier with any one else. Here's where the issues come along though. I am a junior at a major university here in Oklahoma and will be done in a year and a half. He is released in a year and will be coming home. He is coming home for christmas though this year, and I already know that he is planning on proposing and I am going to say yes. We have been discussing going ahead and get legally married when he is here though. It would be beneficial for both of us. He would be paid more and receive other financial benefits for being married, and I would be considered independent in my financial aid, and would not have to burden my parents with the situation anymore. See, my mother and her boyfriend cannot get married because his added income would ruin my financial aid, and because they can't get married, it is hurting their attempt at purchasing a house together. I want to do this to help them and us. This way we could have some money saved up for our big wedding when he comes home. But he also wants me to come back with him, and I need to finish school. There is just so much going on and I'm confused. Any advice?
Posted by Shebs917[/QUOTE]

Is he currently deployed? 

How much time have you physically spent together since you have been IN a relationship?

You know that you need to finish school.  Finish school.  See where things are when he gets out of the Marine Corps.  That can be a huge transition.  Also, if he has a year left, is he truly certain that he is not going to re-up?  Some Marines change their minds when it comes down to actually getting out. 

Getting married is MORE than just signing some papers to get more money and better financial aid.  If you cannot see that, then you truly have no business even entertaining the idea of marriage. 

Oh, and as far as experience, I was in a relationship with a Marine for 6.5 years and through several deployments.  We were one of the rare ones that did not get married young.  Most his friends that did get married are already divorced, including those who got married while in the Marines and then got out after one enlistment.  I thought that he was the love of my life and while our relationship was great, it was nothing compared to the relationship I have with my husband now.

(It is situations like these that make me really pissed about marriage equality.  You see marriage as a way to get ahead financially.  Yet, people who truly want to get married because they love and respect one another and want to declare that to the world in a formal commitment get the shaft.  Yep, it is really same-sex couples who are ruining the sanctity of marriage.  Eff.) 

USMCBride90

Hun, what's the rush? I can understand your situation to an extent, because my fiance is also a Marine stationed in California and we've been living long distance for almost 3 years now. However, I agree with all PP's who have said that getting married to help your mom's financial situation is not the right reason to get married. Getting married for for financial benefits is not a good reason, period. I am a firm believer that you should be able to support yourself financially and be living on your own for some period of time before you tie the knot. In the end, it's your decision. But keep in mind, like everyone else said, you get one wedding. If you decide to move forward and just get married by the JOP, then that is your wedding day. Down the road it wouldn't be your "big wedding", it would be a vow renewal.
I'm not going to judge the amount of time you've been together, because I've seen couples who decide to get married after meeting online, dating for a year, meeting in person for the first time after a year, getting engaged during their first visit, and then getting married less than a year later. But please don't rush into getting married just to help out a family member's financial situation, or your own. Get married because you know without a doubt that this person is the one you want to spend the rest of your life with. Know who they are as a person, what their values are, what the see for their future, etc.

Good luck with the decision hun, I hope it all works out for the best.

paintgirl

I won't repeat the previous advice. They are right on.

I will say I don't buy the excuse about stopping your mom and her boyfriend from buying a house. You don't have to be married to get a mortgage.

I kind of think you're playing the system if someone waits to get married so you don't lose some of your financial aid. If your game is over, just be glad you got to play it for awhile and deal with the decrease in aid.

(To me, this the same as two adults - one a single mom - living together but not getting married so the mom can keep welfare benefits or something - they're scamming the system. They have two incomes but pretend not to be legally together so they can keep the benefits. SHADY.)

kellyt89

Ditto everyone else.

Also, this might be unpopular, but I heavily side-eye a BF who would want you to stop school to be with him. I'm sure you're very in love, but you need to see if your goals for your whole life are compatible, not just the immediate future.

paintgirl

Crickets???

CleverThought

I agree with mostly everything said by PPs. Minus the age thing, I don't think biological age has much to do with preparedness to be married. However, there is a correlation with age and maturity, but age doesn't equate to maturity. But that may be my bias because I'm young as well.

Otherwise, many posters have offered valid points. I think one red flag for me is that you've been together for only a few months. Had you said this is a relationship that's several (or at least one) years in the making, then people may more forgiving and understanding on it. Hell, I've been with boyfriend for over 2.5 years, and I still learn things about who he is as a person. After several months I thought he was perfect and could do no wrong, but believe me, after that honeymoon period the perfection wears off.

Secondly, you don't really listing important things such as "we want the same things in life" as reasons to get married. All I read are the financial benefits to becoming married. Marriage shouldn't be taken lightly, it isn't something that you enter into to become for financially stable. Some common vows are "for richer or for poorer". Ask yourself, if this union would bring you the later, would you still enter it with such eagerness?

People who marry to get more financial aid is one of the reasons young persons like myself are viewed as not prepared for marriage. Marriage is not something you use to scam the government or to benefit others (read: your mom's "difficulty" in buying a house). Not all of us young people want to be married to see what benefits it will bring us. Some of us value the sanctity of the union and see it as bringing two souls together for a lifetime - not considering the financial perks.

Okay... that turned into a rant. Read the former for my advice, the last paragraph is more of a complaint...

wink0erin

I know way too many military couples that got married sooner rather than later because of the extra money. Pretty much all are divorced now... my BF is one of them. A ton of his friends are also young, divorced veterans. All of them say that they married too young and for the wrong reasons.