Smoking - Sorry if I'm rambly

wink0erin

So, I hate smoking. HATE it. It is a major turn off for me.

BF used to smoke, but stopped a few months before we met. Him being a non-smoker was one of the many things I liked about him. About a year into our relationship he randomly decided to start smoking again, it caused some pretty major fights because I'm so against it and I HATE the smell (and you can smell it EVERYWHERE). We almost split up over it.

Well, he quit (I thought) by using Chantix and I was really happy and proud of him. I begged him to never do that again and he promised he wouldn't because Chantix sucked. I made it clear (i thought) that smoking was a deal breaker and I would not stick around if he decided to keep smoking.

Well, fast forward... we live together now and he has been smoking those dang Swisher Sweets EVERY DAY. At first over the summer he was just smoking one on rare occasions(I thought), but it has turned into a daily thing for him, possibly more often that I don't know about. I said I didn't mind one for celebration but if he turned it into a habit I would have serious issues with that... then I kept catching him outside smoking. He does it when he thinks I'm busy.

I tried talking to him about it and he told me he's a "grown man" and can do whatever he wants.

I'm a cancer survivor and have had major lung surgeries, which contributes to my hate of smoking, and I've tried saying this to him... and it's like he doesn't care. 

I don't know what to do or what to say. Every time I've said anything he says he can do what he wants and brushes off my comments.

Help ='(

Elle1036

I'm sorry you're dealing with this.  It sounds like we're pretty similar here.  I've dealt with lung issues my entire life, and - as such - smoking is a total dealbreaker for me.  I won't even let FI have an occasional celebratory cigar.  I have zero tolerance.

Honestly, this is the one area where I would approve an ultimatum if you need to do it.  Just tell him "lose the cigs or lose me."  It sucks to have to do that, though, because you have to prepared to follow through on it.  Hopefully that won't be necessary, though, and he'll realize how important it is to you that he stop for good.

tafft1

Wow i could have written this myself for the most part..

My husband smoked for years before we met or got married. Late last year when his grandmother passed away he started smoking cogars with his dad occassionally - then he started buying those swisher sweets and it turned into a daily habit - and now he is smoking methol cogarettes , but promised me he is going on Chantix at the end of the year. He knows my hate of it , and how emotional it makes me especially with all the medical crap we are dealing with right now. Unfortunately i know it has to come from him. i can't pretend i am okay with it , but he does acknowledge it's an issue and he needs to stop. This dosen't always make me feel any better either.

With that said , it really concerns me that it sounds like he is totally brushing off any concerns or feelings for not only your health and past , but his own as well. You mentioned he may smoke when he thinks you are busy..so almost sounds like he is trying to hide it from you which is definitely not a good thing

This is a serious issue and if he continues to brush it off like no big deal..you need to not back down and keep expressing your concerns , which i can tell it's not onlt personal but have said it could be a personal deal breaker. It's hard to talk about , i totally understand that , but it is important. i wish you both luck.

wink0erin

That's kind of how it went last time and after I stopped talking to him and avoided him for a week he ended up quitting and apologizing for being a jerk about it.

Now, I live with him. I just moved in a month ago, I'm not even fully unpacked yet. We've been doing renovations and making the place nice while I've been studying. I'm not prepared to just walk out and it would be really awkward to ignore him for a week since we sleep in the same bed at night. Every time I try talking about it he gets super defensive and grouchy (yet another side affect of the dang cigarettes/cigars) and he's been coughing NONSTOP which made me bring health into the conversation and I discussed how much lung surgery sucks. He has that "whatever" attitude about it. And that kills me. 

wink0erin

I think it bothers me more that he stopped once, promised to not do it again, and is now smoking again. It makes me wonder if he ever stopped at all.

[Deleted User]

How frustrating.  I am allergic to tobacco/cigarettes and FI smoked when we first started dating.  I explained to him that I was allergic and couldn't be around it, so he didn't do it around me.  For health reasons I didn't want him to smoke at all and once we became serious, I talked with him a lot about quitting.  He would get upset and tell me that he was a grown up and that he would make his own decisions and not change for me.  He had guy night every week and would come home reeking of cigarettes, I would leave bed to get away from the smell.  He started smoking while he was driving more and more frequently.  I started standing my ground a lot and was really adamant with him that I refused to be with someone who smokes because it not only affects the future of his health (his poor kids if they have to see him die of cancer) and my health due to my allergy.  He eventually got the picture and quit for me.  Get this, he also said he wasn't addicted to them yet he could NEVER turn down a cigarette and would often deny smoking.

You have to buckle down with him, as grouchy and crabby as he can be.  Tell him that you support him all the way and want to help him with this problem.  Tell him your concerns with his health in the future.  Start sleeping on the couch, avoid him where you can.  I agree with Elle on the ultimatum thing, if he wants to make a future with you he better da** well respect you.  After having lung surgeries, (you are super brave and AWESOME for surviving cancer ) he should be able to see your concerns with his smoking.  Guys are stubborn donkey-holes and for some reason get a little rebelious (FI went around on sat saying "I do what I want" to no avail).  They need a slap to the face and to be sit down and set straight.  I do not support abuse, so don't take the slapping part seriously. 

I'm sorry you have to deal with this!

ETA: I got a little extreme when I wanted FI to quit and even told him that the money he would save by not buying cigarettes could go toward an engagement ring.  Or anything else cool really, like video games or nice dates.

leia1979

Just curious, given the medical issues you've been through, does the second hand smoke harm you? It might have more leverage that way. (Though it sounds like he's trying to keep it away from you.)

I think he's being a little disrespectful on this topic. He shouldn't brush you off. I know it's a terrible thing, but I'm with Elle on an ultimatum.

H is also an ex-smoker, but he quit a year or two before we met. If he took it up again, I don't know what I would do because I can't stand the smell. When he has a cigar on occasion, he knows to take a shower and brush his teeth before coming near me.

karlee4ever

I am so sorry! This is uncalled for. And I don't take the "i'm a grown man i can make my own decisions" line. You might be grown, but you're not smart or mature if you choose to smoke. I have a friend who is young and beautiful but I am so turned off by her even as a friend that she smokes. It's hard to go out with her for dinner, drinks or even just anywhere because she always wants to drive so that she can smoke.

I am with Elle and amsy... I would have no problem with giving him an ultimatum. I am an oncology nurse and know the dangers first hand. You have the right to your own health and he is taking that away from you when he should be encouraging a healthy life for someone who is a cancer survivor (Huge congratulations, btw).

The fact that he smokes makes me wonder if he makes any other irresponsible choices with his life that might be worrisome...

wink0erin

My doctor told me to never smoke myself, and to stay away from second-hand smoke because of the extra damage it can cause. I've had parts of both lungs removed and my lung capacity never got back to "normal" after the surgeries (I had three major lung surgeries).

I can't be around smoke indoors at all because I have a hard time breathing. Luckily everywhere in my area has gone smoke-free. Outside I have to be far away from it. If I have to walk past smokers I have to hold my breath until I get through it. Even being near smokers makes me want to gag.

BF knows all this. We discussed it at length over a year and a half ago when he was smoking. It looks like we're going to have to discuss it all over again.

elannis

I'm usually against ultimatums, but he chose to be serious with you knowing how you felt about it all, so he has to be willing to deal with the consequences if he's not willing to give it up. I also HATE smoking. I made an online dating account when I was single and the first line was my name. The second was that I was not willing to date anyone that smokes (even once a year). My cousin developed a tumor at 20 years old in her lung and she said it's the most painful surgery you can imagine. I couldn't have the thought of my partner poisoning themself and potentially leaving me and whatever children we would have. Smoking is not something to take lightly and he needs to see how serious this is to you. I know giving up a habit is hard, and smoking is a decision he has to make as a grown man, but if he wants you, he has to make a choice for one or the other because this involves your health too. I'm sorry you're put in this position, but he needs to respect your input too. 

kaitlynmichelle

I also dislike ultimatums but this is serious.  His smoking is risking his own health, but yours as well.  I think you need to re-discuss the issue with him and tell him that not only are you concerned about him, but yourself.  If he doesn't care about harming his own body fine - but he needs to realize the negative effects it could have on you.

I hate smoking and never have tried it.  BF tried it once and never did again.  However his mom smokes all the time.  I hate the smell so it drives me crazy when she does it when I'm around.

pockysquirrel

FI smokes and it's pretty much the only misgiving I have about my relationship with him. I bring up my concerns about his health pretty often, and I know he gets it, but I also get that, like any addiction, the impetus to change has to come from him and not me.

I would not give him an ultimatum to choose the cigarettes or me, both because a lot of soul-searching on my part made me determine that this is not quite a deal-breaker, and because I know he does NOT respond at all well to ultimatums. But I have told him that I will not have children with him until he quits. If he really wants to make poor choices about his health, that's his perogative. But I refuse to have cigarette smoke around my children, or around me while I'm pregnant with them.

jorja86

First of all, Wink, I'm really sorry that your BF is not respecting something that is obviously a major issue for you. It shouldn't matter what it is, the fact is, you've made it clear that this seriously bothers you, and he is clearly disregarding your feelings on this issue, which is not alright. The fact that this is something that could seriously affect your health makes it that much worse.

I would like to point out, however, that cigarettes are incredibly addictive. Do you feel like he's smoking enough again that this is an issue ? Also, smoking is something that smokers (or ex-smokers) turn to when they are stressed-could this be contributing to him starting back up? I could see it as "one cigarette" after a really bad day turning into a lot more than that, because, well, now he's had a "taste" again.

I'm not trying to condone his behavior, just offer some suggestions as to what could be contributing.

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_smoking?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3a6af9a3-1570-4935-a04c-a87a5cf82d75Post:689bd00c-c985-412e-a099-4ebbeab49f39">Re: Smoking - Sorry if I'm rambly</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so sorry! This is uncalled for. And I don't take the "i'm a grown man i can make my own decisions" line. You might be grown, but <strong>you're not smart or mature if you choose to smoke</strong>. I have a friend who is young and beautiful but I am so turned off by her even as a friend that she smokes. It's hard to go out with her for dinner, drinks or even just anywhere because she always wants to drive so that she can smoke. I am with Elle and amsy... I would have no problem with giving him an ultimatum. I am an oncology nurse and know the dangers first hand. You have the right to your own health and he is taking that away from you when he should be encouraging a healthy life for someone who is a cancer survivor (Huge congratulations, btw).<strong> The fact that he smokes makes me wonder if he makes any other irresponsible choices with his life that might be worrisome</strong>...
Posted by karlee4ever[/QUOTE]

Um, excuse me? I'm an occasional smoker, and these statements come across as totally judgmental and ridiculous. I am (as are many other people who smoke) perfectly capable of making smart, mature decisions for myself. It's a vice-I'd imagine almost all of us have one or two. I completely understand how bad it is for me. I'm also about 30 lbs overweight, and that is just as bad, if not worse for my health than the amount I smoke. I'm considerate of others when I do smoke-make sure I'm away from any buildings/area that people would be outside, never smoke inside or in my car if someone is in it, so I really don't understand how the fact that I smoke a cigarette from time to time automatically calls in to question my responsibility with choices in my life. Please.

karlee4ever

I believe that you are very smart jorja... so I would wonder why you would want to make such a bad decision. Smoking is SO bad for you and the health complications that it causes are SO huge. Not only health complications but beauty too... it causes colored teeth, bad breath, wrinkly skin. And you're so pretty! You should preserve your natural beauty. But I don't know, that might be judgemental of a comment too. I'm bad about that.

I would urge you, just as any one else I care about to quit smoking! And I'm sorry for my judgemental comment. I don't smoke, but I do make bad decisions sometimes, so that was dumb to say.

jorja86

Like I said, it's a vice. I smoke when I'm stressed out, and after I've had a couple of drinks. I fully understand the consequences of that choice, and I see the results of a lifetime of smoking every day at work. I don't go around lecturing people who eat a pint of ice cream, or have one too many glasses of wine when they're stressed, because that would be rude. Both of those things (which, btw, I've also been known to do from time to time) can be pretty awful for you also.

The fact is, I'm a grown-up, so it's a decision I'll continue to make for myself. It was still legal the last time I checked.

I really do understand why it's something that you wouldn't want someone close to you to do-it's obviously not good for you. I just feel like I personally get A LOT of judgement for it, and it's interesting to me that it's acceptable to be really outspoken about hating smoking, but not so much about other things, like lack of exercise or obesity.

Swazzle

I was a smoker for 7 years & unless you've been a smoker or had an addiction that severe you won't ever understand how hard it is to quit. You can say you know, but you really, really don't know. 

My mother is a recovering alcoholic & drug addict (she's been clean since I was born) who smoked most of her life & finally was able to quit 4 years ago.  She will tell you that quitting cigarettes was 10x harder than giving up alcohol & drugs.  

I'm not trying to say that your BF should continue to smoke at all or that what he's doing is ok, I'm just trying to put it into perspective as someone who has been there & struggled to quit myself.  It's really really hard.  I "quit" 4x before it finally stuck & I haven't had a cigarette in 3 years on November 30th. 

Beads921

I don't like the fact that he seems to be hiding it from you. That's not right. He also seems to be completely disregarding your feelings in avoiding talking about it and/or getting defensive. He might be kind of ashamed that he's started again, but like he keeps saying, he's a grown up, so he should be able to own up to his choices.

That said, I don't think you should doubt whether he ever quit. I'm sure he really did, but it often doesn't last. My dad has quit 2x now (once for a full year), and it hasn't stuck - he's been a smoker for over 40 years now. It's a tough thing to beat. Everyone knows how bad it is for them, but unfortunately an addiction is an addiction.

Stand your ground. I know you've already talked to him about how it affects your health etc etc., but you might need to do it again.

Lil B Mama

It sucks that he does seem to be hiding it from you, perhaps afraid of your reaction given your lung problems and attitude towards him smoking. 
I smoked for 8 years and the only thing that was ever able to make me quit was finding out I was pregnant. I tried many times in the past but failed miserably. As mentioned before in this thread, unless you have smoked before, you cant understand the addiction. Quitting isn't easy, and it can be a struggle to stay quit once you do. BF said he would quit when I did, but our son is 7 months old and he still smokes regularly. Never in the house or around me or the baby. It's partially the job he does, spending days alone in the truck, I'm sure he smokes out of boredom sometimes, other times to stay awake.
I know you are incredibly bothered by his smoking and his "I'm a grown man and I'll do what I want" attitude. That would piss anyone off. Just try doing what I do,  remind him that you love him and want him around for a long time. A gentle form of guilt is usually more effective than nagging. Also, make him wash his face and brush his teeth after every single smoke, or you wont kiss him or something. Maybe he will get fed up with having to do all that

wink0erin

He has quit at least 2x before, once before we started dating and once while we were dating. 

I think he's stressed out with school right now, which could be why he started smoking again. I say "I think" it's school because he won't really talk about it. When he gets stressed he gets really quiet, that's nothing unusual. We've had good weekends and the crappy moods seem reserved for weekdays, which also indicates that school could be the issue.

In the past when he's been stressed he would get "clingy" and want to hug me and hold me nonstop, now it's like he doesn't even want to be in the same room as me. So whatever is bothering him is REALLY bothering him and he won't talk about it, which in turn stresses ME out.  Plus, the smoking, which makes it all 10x worse.