Do you feel like a part of your SOs family?

Beads921

BF and I were talking about this the other night. I do not feel a part of his Mom's family, but he didn't realise that before. I don't feel disliked or shunned by them or anything, but just not part of the family. I feel like BF's SIL didn't become part of the family until she married into it, even though she'd been dating BF's brother for several years. There's just a slightly weird dynamic I guess, which I'm not a fan of but I feel it could be tough to change.

I do feel a part of BF's Dad's family though. We get along great, and I feel like they're genuinely interested in me and what I'm doing as an individual (not just as BF's GF). I enjoy spending time with them, and I always get a hug when I leave. Interestingly enough, BF's Mom never got along with them.

So, how about you - do you feel like a part of the family? If you're married, do you feel like you became more a part of the family after you got married?

polkadot111

My aunts always ask Jeff to be in our family pictures and tell him, "You're already part of the family!" So, I know for him, he is a part of my family. My dad even has a secret handshake with him.

I don't feel I am part of FI's family. It's awkward. FI's mom doesn't like me. Either does his dad. Once his mom even asked him, "Why don't you date someone else?" I think that no matter what she says, I'll always feel like I'm not her favorite match for her son. Rrrr. It's a bit frustrating and sad, but what can ya do I guess.

[Deleted User]

I'm NEY, but I do feel like a part of BF's family. His mom is very welcoming and warm...I think personality has a lot to do with these things. The first time I ever met his parents and his brother & (now) wife, we met them all for church and brunch on Easter. His mom had made everyone an Easter Basket - including me! She is so sweet and I think she already treats me like a DIL even though I'm not technically part of the family yet.

Sometimes I think a lot of mom's don't want to get too attached to their son's gals until they know it's forever. KWIM? It makes me sad because it sort of cuts off the closeness of the family. Also, some moms are very protective of their boys or just don't want to let them go. Maybe this is your BF's mom's issue?

Beads921

Allusive - I *think* the issue with BF's Mom is that she just has trouble getting close to people to begin with. Most of her family relationships are or in the past have been strained. BF is also the least favourite child (srsly), which makes it that much more challenging.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_feel-like-part-of-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d63530f-8014-45f1-9d69-a8791ddc496dPost:6fd33d2b-225e-46b7-b31e-4701dbeb9a79">Re: Do you feel like a part of your SOs family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Allusive - I *think* the issue with BF's Mom is that she just has trouble getting close to people to begin with. Most of her family relationships are or in the past have been strained. BF is also the least favourite child (srsly), which makes it that much more challenging.
Posted by Beads921[/QUOTE]

That's a bummer Beads. At least you know it's not just you though. I would hate to be in a situation like Polkadot where you know she just doesn't like<strong> </strong><em><strong>you</strong> </em> personally. I would just make every effort with her and maybe over time you'll wear her down. If not, at least you tried.

xmansmommy2010

I've been a part of BF's family for almost half my life, long before we started dating (his sister has been one of my best friends since high school).  I'm actually probably more welcome at family functions than he is!

The entire family refers to me as daughter/sister/cousin/niece, whichever applies, and it kind of freaks me out a little bc I'm not, but it all feels very cozy.  They've been saying this for years since we're all so close (closer than I am to my own flesh and blood), but it feels a little different now that I'm with BF lol.

Blue & White

I would say that my family & BF's family consider each of us a part of their families (and the feeling is mutual).  My sister is also my BF's little brother's boss, so they talk to each other as much as I talk to BF, practically.  And I swear when I call my gma, she asks about BF more than me   And probably vice versa for him, haha.

My ex's mom hated me until we broke up.  So I mean, some moms are kinda weird too.  It put so much stress on the relationship though, so I think I need the situation I have now

xmansmommy2010

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_feel-like-part-of-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d63530f-8014-45f1-9d69-a8791ddc496dPost:9eae4c37-ac76-4254-b8fb-2afff9402836">Re: Do you feel like a part of your SOs family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Sometimes I think a lot of mom's don't want to get too attached to their son's gals until they know it's forever . KWIM? It makes me sad because it sort of cuts off the closeness of the family. Also, <strong>some moms are very protective of their boys or just don't want to let them go.</strong> Maybe this is your BF's mom's issue?
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

I had an ex whose mom was like this.  She was terrible.  Terrible.  By the time she started to like me, I didn't like her son anymore so I guess it worked out for all of us!

motoLyn

I do feel a part of FI's family even before we were engaged.  His siblings took a liking to me from the start and we all get along really well.  Especially me and one of his younger sisters.  We joke about how I only dated FI so I could get closer to her.  His Mom and Stepdad treat me like one of their own and his biological dad likes me but since he lives in Denmark I don't get to talk to him often.  FI's mom just came back from a trip to Denmark and brought me back Royal Danish tea which is my favorite and socks with the Danish flag on it.  I feel like an honorary Dane.  Hahaha. 

I know I'm one of the family when I can hang out with his family without FI being there and it not being awkward.  I also think that FI has been accepted and brought into my family.  My mom loves FI and my Dad is happy someone is keeping in check.  I know I feel a part of the family when the family can talk and show inner family dynamics with me, good or bad.

thejucheidea

Oh, most definitely. His mom treats me like a daughter and his dad imparts wisdom upon me like another father. His grandmothers on both sides and his dozens of other family members (terrifying to me as when our entire family on my mom's side gets together, there are seven of us) all seem to like me as well. At Thanksgiving last year, one of his cousins said to make sure to send her an invitation to the wedding. It was a bit awkward.

I think he feels the same way about my family. My local grandparents love him and my Californian family seemed to love him as well when we went out to visit in May. It's been a nice transition into having two families.

CCO2012

Definitely...

My BF is always expected at my family events from church and brunch on Sundays to the football game my youngest sister is cheering at tomorrow night to dinner on a random weeknight when my dad works late and my  mom and sisters want me to join/cook. A lot of that has to do with him being around all the time when he moved here and the fact that I live with him, but I know my family loves him.

His whole family has been very open towards me since day one too. I get the same number of gifts as their other kids on holidays, and they include me in everyday things when I visit.

I'm very lucky that our families are so open and loving.

Beads921

Ya, Polkadot, that's really rotten of your FI's family

Allusive, I am going to start making more of an effort. BF has made it clear that his Mom has nothing personal against me, so we'll see how it goes.

polkadot111

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_feel-like-part-of-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d63530f-8014-45f1-9d69-a8791ddc496dPost:7a5eb4ee-0056-4b39-8a50-2806653c7449">Re: Do you feel like a part of your SOs family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Ya, Polkadot, that's really rotten of your FI's family :( Allusive, I am going to start making more of an effort. BF has made it clear that his Mom has nothing personal against me, so we'll see how it goes.
Posted by Beads921[/QUOTE]

Yeah, really rotten. :( Makes me feel horrible. I didn't even do anything 'wrong'. Honestly it sort of makes me feel bad about myself since they just don't like me.

lunarsongbird

Beads- So sorry to hear that about BF's mom.

Between being there for Andrew's mom's port removal and her calling me her child...Yup- I feel pretty much a part of the family. However- Andrew's dad isnt very warm and fuzzy. And I think he probably treats me similar to the way he treats Andrew- so it won't get any better then that.

lennonkdc

Beads- I know exactly how you feel. I went through a similar thing with BF's fam this summer, with his mom's side of the family.

I feel a part of his immediate family, his parents are wonderful loving people and I truely feel that I'm just as accepted by them as their SIL is. 

BF's Dad's side is the same way, esp since the random road trip I took with BF's aunt and G-Parents this spring (long story). I feel like the see me BF's partner for life, with or without wedding vows.

BF's Mom's side is a different story. BF's H was totally accepted into the family, but I felt they kept me at arms length. Turns out that before I started dating BF, his older cousin went through a HORRID break up with a LTGF, the first outsider (and woman) 'accepted' into the fold. She was not a nice person who used BF's cousin for his $$ while she finished grad school. He ran up a ton of debt supporting her and she dropped him almost immediately after graduation. So, enter me the next summer. BF and I have decided I need to finish school, then go on to law school. To them, it seems like the same old story and they don't want to see BF get hurt. BF's mom and I are tight, so we've discussed this. Its BF's Aunt (cousins mom) who keeps me at arms length, and she vocalizes her fear that I'm gonna turn out just like X. I decided to ignore her. As soon as I did, I let myself open up to the rest of his fam, and we're cool now.

Phew- sorry that got long. Any way, I think it natural to feel 'other then' when one of the siblings is married, but I think that stems more from an internal place (or is amplifed by internal feeling.) BF and I talked about this, and he understands where I am comming from, but he thinks its silly because to him, we're already spending the rest of our lives together. So in the end I guess my advice is, don't let the haters get you down

Hugs!

Beads921

Polkadot - I don't think you should be taking it personally (even if it may seem like a personal kind of thing). Like Allusive said, maybe they're just protective of their son or something. Try not to let them get you down.

Lennon - I get what you mean with the married thing and maybe I do amplify it in my own head. I know that BF's SIL is considered a 'sister' and 'daughter' to the family, and that wasn't the case before they were married. BF's sister was all excited to finally be getting a sister leading up to the wedding (I was like 'Oh hai, guess I'm chopped liver?').

lennonkdc

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_feel-like-part-of-sos-family?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3d63530f-8014-45f1-9d69-a8791ddc496dPost:a5b6e80b-5ef3-4af4-bb73-7499c4177846">Re: Do you feel like a part of your SOs family?</a>:
[QUOTE]Polkadot - I don't think you should be taking it personally (even if it may seem like a personal kind of thing). Like Allusive said, maybe they're just protective of their son or something. Try not to let them get you down. Lennon - I get what you mean with the married thing and maybe I do amplify it in my own head.<strong> I know that BF's SIL is considered a 'sister' and 'daughter' to the family, and that wasn't the case before they were married.</strong> BF's sister was all excited to finally be getting a sister leading up to the wedding (I was like 'Oh hai, guess I'm chopped liver?').
Posted by Beads921[/QUOTE]

<div>I totally get this. BF's BIL was around for all of 12 weeks before his sis married him, so when BF's mom referred to her as one of her son's I was like "WTF I've been around for 7 freaking years!" It took me along time to realize that it was just her excitement for her daughter, and had nothing to do with how she felt about me, or my relationship with BF. But again, its hard when you want to marry into the family to not see it as being on the other side of a glass wall. </div>

Hazel_B

This is a tough subject because my gut tells me no.

FI's immediate family is always very pleasant to me when I see them and I'm told that they really like me. However, with them being on the other side of the continent I see them  maybe once a year. Beyond that we don't talk at all, aside from his mom and I occassionally emailing.

If a different story with FI's extended family that lives closer. I'd say that they seem more like family to me.

I don't feel that this will change very much when we get married. The only change I can see is when we have children.

cu97tiger

FI's family is really small.... just his mom and stepdad (he doesn't speak to his dad, nor his half sister). I definitely feel like a part of the family. I call his mom every once in awhile to check in, and I feel like we are definitely getting closer. I plan on starting to call her 'mom' after we get married.

I hope FI feels like a part of my family. I know my family has really enjoyed getting to know him, and my dad desparetely wants a relationship with him. We are seeing them this weekend and I hope they get some time to just chat. It's hard when we live so far away.

Also, this weekend FI and I become godparents to my (our!) nephew, so I feel like even before we're married, he is becoming a literal part of our family.

tafft1

i feel very fortunate that i feel part of my husband's family , and so close at that. Even while we were dating , i felt instantly loved and accepted. They are all so easy to talk to and interact with , that i can be myself and not feel intimidated to have a conversation about anything. i LOVE my father in law , he is the father i never had and he has done so much for my husband and I in ways of support and love , inviting us to Oakland Raiders games , taking us out to parks and camping , it's definitely a different feeling that i am very grateful for.

In a way i feel bad that i don't have any family to share with my husband , but on the same note , aside from my late mother , i can't think of anyone on my side worth knowing that isn't drama filled.

jemmini6

I had only met FI's parents one time before we ended up going on a week long vacation with them to Hawaii (we booked it first and then they decided they wanted to come too).  Ever since then though, I've felt like part of their family.

FI has definitely been considered a part of my family since day one though, My mom has been telling him to marry me ever since he told her he was taking me to Hawaii the first time (she'll be soooo excited when we tell her we are taking her next year).  Even my nephew has been calling him "Uncle Phil" since he could talk.

niknik15

My FI's family treats me like I'm one of their kids. Seriously I couldn't ask for a better family to marry into. His family is really close and they all hang out together on a weekly basis. The only thing that kinda irks me is that his dad likes to kiss me on the cheek. He does it to his daughter and DIL too so it's not anything weird with me, it's just his way. Tonight I'm actually going over to his sister's house to have a girls night.

As for my family, they all like him. The family dynamics are completely different than his, so sometimes I wonder if he really feels like part of the family.

kaitlynmichelle

I absolutely feel like I am a part of BF's family.  Our parents actually have known each other for years, his dad/my mom work at the same hospital.  BF's dad is a surgeon, and my step-dad actually works in the operating room with him a lot so our parents pretty much see each other every day.   His dad actually operated on me as a child too.

His family was very welcoming when we were younger, but now I feel like his mom is a second mother to me.  She's told me so many times that she loves talking to me (we talk on the phone a lot since I haven't seen her in a year since we've moved) and that she considers me to be her daughter.  I've just gone over and hung out at their house before when BF isn't there, his brothers are like my brothers already.

He doesn't have much extended family so family reunions don't really happen.  I have a large family on my mom's side and BF has always been welcomed.  I really love that both of our families like the other, I feel very fortunate.

They also let me live at their cottage for two summers.  

karlee4ever

I'm with Beads... I feel you! Strange dynamic in my BF's parents. They are cordial to me, I suppose, and I would say that my relationship with his mom is getting better and more comfortable. His mom is just not a very social creature at all. His dad is very pompous and thinks he is better than everyone else and can't laugh at himself.... while my dad could talk to a brick wall (he talks to bon fires) and is always giving people the benefit of the doubt. If his dad and I are left in a room together he will be up and gone within about 3 minutes. Last weekend when they were here his dad tried telling him not to "fall into the trap" when I was asking BF to go to the Christmas store with me to pick out our first ornament together. Just because you're not a thoughtful husband doesn't my BF should become one! It's a huge strain on our relationship, especially since my family lives across the country so I wish I could consider them as family. Whenever we get together with my family he fits in so perfectly and everyone loves him and he loves everyone.

PolkaDot... I'm so sorry about your FI's mother! That must really be difficult. I hope you stay strong and don't think negative of yourself because of how she treats you!

tiger, congrats on becoming godparents!

IrishDreamer

I have felt like a part of BF's family since we started dating. I've called his parents "mom" and "dad" since probably a month or two into it. I get Easter Baskets, random little gifts, and the same amount at birthdays and Christmas. It's honestly more like family than I feel with my own.

I am not sure if BF feels like a part of my family. I know he does around my grandparents and my sisters. My Mom and Stepdad? IDK. They are an odd bunch. He has only met my dad and brothers once, so I'm not sure with them either.

PaigeMcC

It really sucks to not feel part of the family with someone you've been with for so long. Sorry ladies:(

I've felt like part of FBD's family from the beginning.  They're AMAZING people.  I am so ridicously lucky to have them. 

ravenray

*hugs* I am sorry to all you wonderful ladies who don't feel apart.  They should love you!  You girls are wonderful!

 

Fi is very much a part of my family and my extended family loves him.  He really is just one loveable and awesome guy   My parents have liked him for the get go.

 

His family is a bit of a different story.  FI's mom had a hard time like me at all (read she hated me) but now we get along really well.  His little sister loves and adores me.  I think she looks up to me which is cute but scary.  I don't really know his older brother and honestly I don't think he likes me that much but whatever he lives far away so no big deal.  His dad, well his dad thinks I am evil incarnate right now.  I am doing everything wrong in his eyes.  And honestly I don't like him that much... I try really hard but his personality keeps getting in my way.  *sigh*  Hopefully some day but I am not that hopeful.

Elle1036

I've literally been thinking about this question all day.  That's why I haven't answered yet.

Do I feel liked, enjoyed, appreciated by his family?  Yes.  Do I feel loved by them?  Yeah, I do.  I think they care a lot of about me, will go out of their way to do things for me, are genuinely interested in my life, etc.

But despite all that, I don't feel the same way around them that I feel around my family.  I've never felt quite "at home" with his family.  I'm very comfortable around them now, but it's just not quite the same.  I don't know if it ever will be.  Those of you who have said you definitely feel like a part of your SO's family:  do you feel completely at home around them?

leia1979

I agree with Elle. H's family is super nice to me and made plenty of offers to help with the wedding. But I can also count the number of times I've spoken to them on one hand. I just don't know them well enough to be part of their family.

SopChick

I definitely feel like a part of BF's family already, and have for a long time. His mom, sister and I often go do things "just the girls" and when my mom's free she joins us too. His extended family lives in the Maritimes, so I've only actually met them maybe 3 times, but even from the first time they were so welcoming. They all said, "you must be Sop, I've heard all about you... come 'ere" and gave me the biggest, warmest hugs. There are so many of them (15 aunts & uncles, plus cousins, second cousins, etc and that's just on one side!). I met most of them all in one small house, and it wasn't the least bit awkward. Now I chat with his aunts on fb all the time, haha!

I don't know that BF feels like he's a part of my family. They're very nice people, but not as warmly welcoming as his. More "proper" I guess... idk how to describe them. Reserved maybe? Anyway, they don't dislike him, but it's not as obvious as with his family.

TLC1983

I feel like since I have a son with my BF that his family automatically accepted me. It could have gone either way so I am so glad they didn't hate me because of it! There can be nothing more awkward than telling them we became unexpectedly pregnant! haha. After that they started treating me like one of their own instead of just trying to be polite all the time. Seeing that I am a good Mom to their grandson definitely convinced them that I deserve to stick around. They are also a very fun family who likes to do parties at the holidays and all that so we accumulated a lot of family memories rather quickly. I feel like I am treated the same as their DIL who married their other son around the same time we had our baby. I feel very lucky and thankful for all that! My own family isn't very close and I think they know that too, so maybe that made them want to welcome me in even more. The only thing I feel bad about is that I know sometimes my own Mom feels guilty because she can't give me the same gifts and things as my BF's family. She even said once that she feels like my BF's Mom is my Mom instead of her. That made me feel aweful!