Not Engaged Yet

Cant get my brain to turn off(so very long)

I can’t sleep since I have a lot on my mind. I figured typing it out and getting opinions on it would be the best idea. I moved from my hometown a few years ago during a very rough time in my life. I was panicking that I never lived in a different city and felt like I depended on my family way too much.  I moved after only thinking about it for a day. I interviewed for a job in my current city and got it. A week later I was putting all my stuff in boxes and starting to move to a new state. I had my sister living in the same area when I came down here. She was there to help a little bit and even included me in weekly dinners with her friends.


I knew after a year I would not be able to continue to live here and even announced that I would be returning to my hometown as soon as the time was right. I even broke it off with the guy I was dating since he made it clear that he had no interest in moving with me. I was set on moving after that and even arranged it so I would have a full week off work to move that following spring. I really had no intention of getting into anything serious when I met the current BF.  After a few months of dating him I thought maybe I might stay just to see what happened. I did not tell him about how when I met him I abandoned all plans to move until may rolled around and he wanted to know why I decided to take my vacation that month. I told him about my plans and he expressed some interest in one day moving there if the timing was right and has brought it up a few more times since then.

 

Well fast forward to now, he and I have almost been together three years; no ring yet, plans on the table to be engaged in the next year or two.  He and I have both agreed the next move we want to make is not into another apartment, we both want a house. Recent problems with apartment management will have us moving this summer and we do not have any money for a down payment so it looked like we would have to find another apartment. We both agreed that maybe we should downgrade for a year or two and save money for a down payment.

 

 My sister got a wonderful job promotion last month and will be moving to a different state. It would put her eight hours from me and eight hours from our parents.  My parents are not so happy with her needless to say, the world still turns dispite this.  This has made me think about moving back to my hometown more and more. My parents would very much enjoy it if I came back. I miss all my family there and a great job opportunity there is recently available.

 

My parents have offered a room at their house until we have a down payment for a house.  (a large room that would be more of a studio apartment really. Kitchen and bath shared with them) We would be saving a large chunk of money, enough to put a large down payment on a home. We would only need to be in this arrangement for about six months to a year depending on when we would be approved for a house. 


I am prepared to change jobs at this point and he has done nothing but tell me how un happy his job makes him as of late. He has made it very clear he wants out of it and soon.  He is not happy with how little he makes and has discussed with me how he wants to be able to pay down his debt and afford to get married before he sees us getting engaged.

 

Now I can see how he would hesitate and have worries about moving, He would be leaving his family and friends if he did. He also sees how sad I am here without family or friends. Despite trying over and over I have never clicked with the ladies here and have not made friends in the past four years.  I have been friends with his friends but nothing that has me hanging out for a ladies night. I always hang with them when he is also. I had a fight with one of the girls over what I have felt is humorous and she did not. I have since said I was sorry for my choice of words, but she will not speak with me to this day. I feel he and I do not hang with them as much since this has happened and he thinks I am just being silly.

 

Anyway, all this has put me on edge really; I can see the road opening ahead of us. He keeps asking questions and doing what feels like him dragging his feet.  We have been talking about this for the past few days and he asked me to write out the pros and cons of moving back home and in with my parents. I have made comparison spread sheets and showed him job openings.  I have made it clear that we would spend time with the family but still have our time.

 

I know he needs time to think. I just feel sad since he is still leaning towards not moving.  I kinda blew up earlier and yelled at him over stupid stuff.  It was a short outburst and dropped just as quickly as it happened. He went to be early saying he was done for the night and didn’t want to talk about moving anymore tonight. I admit I have been pretty passionate about moving and it saddens me that he does not see how much I hurt not being closer to family. I have cried each time we drove home from the holiday visits. I want to move back and I don’t know if that would mean moving without him. It kills me to even think about that. I know I need to decide if moving back home is more important than staying with him, since I think he is going to choose not to move. 


I have gotten a lot out. Thanks for reading. 

Re: Cant get my brain to turn off(so very long)

  • luvdncn90luvdncn90 member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Holy hell....that was long. I'm sorry you're in a tough situation but I don't really see a question in there?

    Everyone has to make choices in their life. Don't pressure him to move and dear lord please don't give him any ultimatums. Just let him make the decision on his own.
  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Does he have to move with you? Long distance sucks but sometimes it the best option. What are your other options besides moving back in with your parents? What are your parents going to expect out of this arrangement (they sound a little controlling from your post)? Have you looked at apartments or any other sort of housing in your home town? What does he want and what do you want and how can you come to a compromise?

    Remember that moving means more than just leaving a job, it means leaving a big part of your life behind. I moved for my BF and it was really hard and it still is hard. I don't regret it but I can understand if your BF is hesitant. It sounds like you are a really impulsive person. He might not be ready to jump right into making a decision but that doesn't necessarily mean he is dragging his feet.

    Take the time to discuss ALL of the options and to hear what options he has come up with and his concerns about your plans. This is a decision you need to make together - not just have one of you follow the other. There is a way to discuss all of this without pressuring him but if he becomes irritated or angry or negative about it then just let it drop a for awhile.


  • redheadtmkredheadtmk member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Another thing to keep in mind is that your friends in your hometown have grown and changed since you left. I do not know your situation with them so this is just a hypothetical thing to think about. They may be the same when you visit for short spurts but they have gone on with their lives, made new friends etc. It may not be as easy for you to just move home and jump back into those friendships as you think. I moved from WA state to NY and things were not the same when I moved back. I was gone for 10 years which is longer than 4 years but I think it is something for you to consider.

    In the mean time I would work on finding you own friends. It sounds like you did not make much effort if you were ready to move back after one year. It can be hard to make friends as an adult but if you really put an honest, sincere effort to get to know people, you will find friends. Get to know the people you work with, join a gym, learn a new hobby, take a class etc. Don't put your life on hold waiting to see if he will agree to move home. Make an effort to be happy outside of your boyfriend.


  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    10000 Comments Sixth Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cant-brain-turn-offso-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3f711e76-c4de-47c5-8ee3-6db496260fc8Post:4af90d98-1e21-400d-8cd8-1d716f03f338">Re: Cant get my brain to turn off(so very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]Another thing to keep in mind is that your friends in your hometown have grown and changed since you left. I do not know your situation with them so this is just a hypothetical thing to think about. They may be the same when you visit for short spurts but they have gone on with their lives, made new friends etc. It may not be as easy for you to just move home and jump back into those friendships as you think. I moved from WA state to NY and things were not the same when I moved back. I was gone for 10 years which is longer than 4 years but I think it is something for you to consider. In the mean time I would <strong>work on finding you own friends.</strong> It sounds like you did not make much effort if you were ready to move back after one year. It can be hard to make friends as an adult but if you really put an honest, sincere effort to get to know people, you will find friends. <strong>Get to know the people you work with, join a gym, learn a new hobby, take a class etc. Don't put your life on hold waiting to see if he will agree to move home. Make an effort to be happy outside of your boyfriend.</strong>
    Posted by redheadtmk[/QUOTE]

    I learned how true this is the hard way. After moving 9 hours away from my friends and family to be with BF I worked tirelessly to get his friends to like me and it caused nothing but stress and tears. Things have gotten much better for me since I decided that I don't need his friends' approval and that making my own friends is an important priority.


  • SopChickSopChick member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    It sounds to me from what you said about your original decision to move (and your quick decision to move back after a year) that you are a tad impulsive.

    I personally would not be able to make such a big decision so quickly, I need time to process, weigh the pros and cons, etc. BF on the other hand is very quick to make decisions, and it caused some friction for us in our relationship. He sometimes felt like just because I wasn't willing to decide quickly it was because I was hesitant (like moving in together, for example). He has since learned that it's not because I'm hesitant, I take my time to decide anything - even what I'm going to order at a restaurant or wear for the day.

    The reason for my little story is that I think I can see your BF's side of things too. It's a major life decision, and I don't think that his desire to take his time making it says anything about his love for you. I just think that it's a huge emotional, physical, psychological, and financial cost to a person to make such a big move, and personally I think he is wise to be thinking about it before jumping in. If he wants to take his time making the choice, I think it would be in both of your best interests to let him take his time. It's not worth possible resentment on his part if you force him.

    That being said, Beth is right. Long distance sucks, but maybe you could approach it as something temporary if you are feeling that you want to move rightthissecond. Six months or whatever from now he may make up his mind that he wants to move, and then at least you both will have done it on your own terms.

    Good luck, and sorry about the novel of a response.
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  • edited December 2011
    Wow.  That was the most reading I've done that wasn't law school related in a long time.  I have quite a few thoughts.

    1)  I would strongly advise against buying a house with someone you're not married to.

    2)  You want to move back because you're homesick.  He sounds like he doesn't want to move with you.  His family and friends are where you are.  That's understandable.  If he's dragging his heels, don't make him do something he'll eventually resent you for.

    3)  I can understand his aversion to not only moving to another state, but moving in with your parents.  No matter how wonderful they are, living with someone's parents can be trying at best.  It doesn't matter how much space you have, you're constantly subject to their "rules", criticisms, comments, judgments, daily irritating quirks.  I don't blame him.

    4)  You need to decide what's more important:  this relationship or moving back home.  You could theoretically do long distance, but fast forward to getting married.  Eventually one of you would have to remake the sacrifice and be unhappy.  It kinda sounds like the relationship will only work if one of you gives in, and if neither of you are willing to give in, you might be at a stalemate. 

    Theoretically, there are compromises.  You could visit home more frequently.  You could take a dance, yoga, pottery, etc. class and try and make friends that way.  You could move somewhere in between the two areas. 

    You need to sit down with your BF and have a very serious, calm, non-emotional discussion with him about this.  LISTEN to him.  Don't yell or be bitter.  Talk about what he wants, what he can live with, if any compromise could work, and how YOU feel too.  Then go from there.
  • edited December 2011

    I am 100% not going to give any ultimatums. It would not be fair to him or me to do something like that. I have thought of the long distance thing, problem is that if I move I am not going to move back. I also do not know if he would change his mind or not. I know either was we go one of us is going to be without our family. He also is very overwhelmed with how my family operates. He grew up as an only child who saw very little of his aunts, uncles and cousins.  His parents are divorced and so he spent his holidays split between them. I grew up in a family where every birthday and holiday (including Memorial Day, Labor Day Easter and 4th of july) was spent with all the aunts uncles cousins and grandparents. I foolishly thought I would still get to be there as much. I live 3 hours away and so can’t get any closer really.

     

    I have tried to make friends outside of him. The people I thought were my friends end up hanging out outside of me. I thought I might make some new ones if I start to finish my degree and so that would depend on if we moved or not.

     

    If we don’t move into my parents’ house then we can move into another apartment. My grandfather has also offered the lower apt portion of my parents’ house which would save use money still but put use at having to stay there for two years before having enough money to get a home (or marry if that’s what we want) I have put up the offer to live in the room in my parents’ home for a year, use that money to get married ant then move to the lower apt and live there for two or so years and then move. I have also presented were we live in the room til oct when the apt would open up and then move down there. He thinks we should just live here til oct then move. I don’t think we should as our lease is up in july and that would put us month to month (where the apt can kick us out at any time they rent the apt) and moving in extreme cold/snow

     

    My mom would ask me to do the grocery shopping, help with the cooking and laundry in return of the very low rent. I would also be bringing an almost new washer and dryer set.

     

    I know that moving is a big decision for him esp with my mind having already been made up for the past few years. Part of my decision is enforced by the fact that I hoped I would have family nearby for my future children to play with since that’s how I grew up. With my sister living here that was possible. Now that she is gone… anyway thanks for all the input. He and I have a lot to talk about it.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_cant-brain-turn-offso-very-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:3f711e76-c4de-47c5-8ee3-6db496260fc8Post:e359b0f6-be22-4fe8-818d-7e193f630786">Cant get my brain to turn off(so very long)</a>:
    [QUOTE]I know I need to decide if moving back home is more important than staying with him, since I think he is going to choose not to move.
    Posted by SallyLou4u[/QUOTE]

    Yes, this is very likely. You might need to really weigh this out- whether to move without him. Where to live is a big deal and can really affect your happiness and his.

    I don't recall if you said how far you live from your parents now. Is there any way you could compromise on living somewhere in the middle? I live 14 hours from my family now and see them about twice a year. I would love to live within an hour or two of them- close enough to visit on the weekends but far enough to have our privacy.

    My husband has never lived far from his family (they're less than an hour from us now) but we've talked it over and we may stay or go depending on job opportunities. But, I'm not miserable here like you seem to be where you are.

    Really consider what all your options are- moving with him, moving without him, stayng where you are, moving halfway between. Weigh all these things out. Really think about it. And follow your heart.
    Anniversary
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