Not Engaged Yet

meltdown : update

Now that I have had a chance to think, and talk to BFF, I decided I never should have put a timeline on engagement based on when a lease is up, because it's an ultimatum, and it was based on fear. I regret doing that. My fear stemmed from a past relationship that ended while we were living together. I apologized to him for this putting this pressured timeline on him, explained where my fear came from, and he was so understanding. Hugs were given. He reassured me that I have nothing to fear, that our love is real, and our future is together. 

He has reassured me several times since then that getting engaged will be happening and that he still wants to get married about a year from now. He told me upfront that he has looked around Tucson and is still looking for something "in particular" in regards to the e-ring, and that he will propose when he has found it. I have no idea what this is... and or course I don't want to know!

He wanted me to make the final decision to move in based on my needs, and never encouraged one way or another, although he made it clear that I was wanted in his life. I never felt pressure from him to make one decision or another. I have always said that I wanted to move in when the right time comes. Well it has come.  I love him and I don't want to put strain on the relationship by backpedaling on our emotion and second guessing our relationship. Past experiences aside, I'm dealing with my fears. I know there is no reason to second guess anything because we both have been incredibly sincere about wanting to move the relationship forward since last summer. Neither of us "need" a roommate for financial reasons, that's not what this is about. I'm doing this. Life is happening. I have to look forward and not base my fears on past experiences because he is not the past.  I'm moving in in April. Cool
www.nurseyk.weebly.com

Re: meltdown : update

  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Wow, Nursey... that is a lot of good stuff in one post. 1) That you took the time to really think about why you had put such a timeline on the relationship 2) That you sat down with your BF and had an honest and open conversation about it and 3) That you are making decisions that are right for you NOW and not based on things in the past.

    I wish you and your BF much happiness. I have lived with my BF for almost two years and the happiest part of my day is coming home to him every night!
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  • calindicalindi member
    5000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Good!  Glad you both worked it out, and it sounds like a very productive conversation.  Ultimately putting a ring on your finger won't make him more or less serious about marrying you - if he's telling you that he's prepared to marry you in the next year, then it's just a matter of trust.  That can be tough when you've been hurt before, but it sounds like you DO trust him and have reassessed your priorities.  I'm glad you're happy!

    If he's really stuck on finding something specific, may I suggest greenlakejewelry.com?  We're custom making both my rings through them, and so far I've been really delighted and impressed with everything.  It's a great way to get a truly unique ring without paying tons more than you would at a jewelry store for something in stock!

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  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Yay! I'm glad you guys talked it out in such a positive way!

    Also, just FYI...my H got my ring at Jared on Oracle and was really happy with the entire experience. We got our bands there, too. He took our couple friends with him, and then we went back there with the guy in the couple when he was shopping for an e-ring. Now they're getting married on our first anniversary! It's kinda cool. But anyway, yes. Jared's is pretty good as far as chains go. My H was VERY unhappy with Marshall's Jewelers. Just thought I'd share our experience in case it might help your BF when the time comes. :)


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  • Elle1036Elle1036 member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Good stuff.  Glad everything is working out so well, and that you were able to get to the heart of your issue.
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:41c6ee90-adcf-4144-a28f-25e0877d1b5fPost:675cee74-1e4b-42d1-905d-f5ee1ea5184d">meltdown : update</a>:
    [QUOTE]Now that I have had a chance to think, and talk to BFF, I decided I never should have put a timeline on engagement based on when a lease is up, because it's an ultimatum, and it was based on fear. I regret doing that. My fear stemmed from a past relationship that ended while we were living together. I apologized to him for this putting this pressured timeline on him, explained where my fear came from, and he was so understanding. Hugs were given. He reassured me that I have nothing to fear, that our love is real, and our future is together.  He has reassured me several times since then that getting engaged will be happening and that he still wants to get married about a year from now. He told me upfront that he has looked around Tucson and is still looking for something "in particular" in regards to the e-ring, and that he will propose when he has found it. I have no idea what this is... and or course I don't want to know! He wanted me to make the final decision to move in based on my needs, and never encouraged one way or another, although he made it clear that I was wanted in his life. I never felt pressure from him to make one decision or another. I have always said that I wanted to move in when the right time comes. Well it has come.  I love him and I don't want to put strain on the relationship by backpedaling on our emotion and second guessing our relationship. Past experiences aside, I'm dealing with my fears. I know there is no reason to second guess anything because we both have been incredibly sincere about wanting to move the relationship forward since last summer. Neither of us "need" a roommate for financial reasons, that's not what this is about. I'm doing this. Life is happening. I have to look forward and not base my fears on past experiences because he is not the past.  I'm moving in in April. 
    Posted by NurseyK[/QUOTE]

    I'm more of a lurker on TK, but I just came across this post and it reminded me of my situation.  SO and I had a similar conversation a few weeks ago.  He started out on the defensive because he thought I was giving an ultimatum, though that was not at all my intention.  We talked it out and basically came to the same consensus that you and your SO came to. 

    I just had to know what he was thinking because I was tired of not knowing when it would happen.
  • tuarceathatuarceatha member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Thanks for sharing NurseyK, because I am tired of not knowing what he is thinking... I guess I need to initiate the conversation so I can feel some relief too. But can I have a meltdown too first? Please? ;)
  • edited December 2011
    that sounds fantastic. sometimes hearing some reassurance is so soothing and helpful right? great job nursery!
    you made the decision that is right for YOU and that's so great!
  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_meltdown-update?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:41c6ee90-adcf-4144-a28f-25e0877d1b5fPost:c58b0eff-761c-4bb7-9c36-415c47c7b586">Re: meltdown : update</a>:
    [QUOTE]Thanks for sharing NurseyK, because I am tired of not knowing what he is thinking... I guess I need to initiate the conversation so I can feel some relief too. But can I have a meltdown too first? Please? ;)
    Posted by jenjenniferf[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>LOL!! Only if you AW it. Obvs. ;)  </div><div>(hilariously giggling right now. high five friend!)</div>
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • tuarceathatuarceatha member
    Sixth Anniversary 2500 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    :D
    It's freakin' Friday!!! fyi.
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