Intro & moving fast.

annabelle22

Hey! I'm in my early 30s and  I've been engaged several times. I was never the girl to obsess over weddings plans although I did briefly get into it when I was in college. I honestly can say that in past relationships I just accepted proposals because I thought it was the thing to do, I thought we could work through our differences, I "thought" I loved them, blahblahblah..  I broke it off with a long term guy last September because he wanted more and you know what? I'm sick of just trying to make someone my ideal man.. He was great in every way, but not for me.

I was basically content to just be single.. Took some steps, bought a house, got a new job, etc etc. I was doing JUST FINE. Just perfect even. Thrilled. Free. And thennn..

I met a guy a couple months ago and it was instant. Like complete instant recognition. Like oh, what's your favorite song/food/dance move... oh no, I already knew everything. Our families are eerily similar in structure, faith, and food--at the same time they both asked us to the same restaurant. We've met everyone. We have a renewed interest in life. It's INSANE. On the first night we met he uttered "we will be married by october".. I totally believed him.

So I guess.. I don't know.. Although we're not "planning", we talk about our future a lot. He's sent me his ideas for centerpieces. He wants to talk to my parents to ask permission and I think my dad is going to LOL at him. (as in, good luck bud, i'll believe it when we're at the altar)..

I guess I'd feel more comfortable with a ring on my finger even though it's crazy. It would seem more real. I mean I've been in relationships for several years and was never sure. Not even a little. I do have some fears in this but sheesh if it works out, then it's really all worth it I guess. Little freaked out! (but not enough to run)

anyway just wanted to say hi & explain myself to someone .. this is probably going to blow up in my face so I'm a bit gun-shy on the real life discussions, understandably.

motoLyn

Hi and welcome!  First breathe! Second take it easy.  There are couples out there that meet and know off the bat that they're right for each other.  I say just slow down and enjoy getting to know one another.  When you two are ready to get engaged and marry then commence with talking about centerpieces and venues.  For now don't ruin the experience by playing future wedding planning.  Happy Wednesday!

trebmal

We sound oddly similar in some ways.  I haven't been engaged lots of times but everything else seems right on cue.
I think you're keeping a good head about it all and I am Happy for you.
I would be happy to talk more with you more if you ever want to PM me!!!

calindi

Take your time and enjoy the relationship.  I'd suggest just putting off talks of marriage for now - what's the rush?  It's fantastic that you've met someone who you know so completely that you want to marry, but I see no need to do it within a year.  I mean, you'll be getting married around the same time you broke off a serious relationship last year - that's rather quick, and I think you just need time to process it all in a natural course.

Talk about the future, the marriage (not so much the wedding), talk about any potential issues you have (communication is an ongoing process), and just enjoy each other.  Perhaps get engaged next October instead of this October?  Maybe be engaged by this October?  Just... I dunno... there are a few red flags, and I'd hate to see you jump into something when it might be better to take enthusiastic but cautious steps forward.

LizzyTish88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_intro-moving-fast?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:41db50e9-7620-4592-99f0-73c7f651170dPost:66f283d4-10fd-48b9-8a34-eec2c09f521d">Intro & moving fast.</a>:
[QUOTE]Hey! I'm in my early 30s and  <strong>I've been engaged several times</strong>. I was never the girl to obsess over weddings plans although I did briefly get into it when I was in college. <strong>I honestly can say that in past relationships I just accepted proposals because I thought it was the thing to do, I thought we could work through our differences, I "thought" I loved them, blahblahblah.. </strong>I broke it off with a long term guy last September because he wanted more and you know what? I'm sick of just trying to make someone my ideal man.. He was great in every way, but not for me. I was basically content to just be single.. Took some steps, bought a house, got a new job, etc etc. I was doing JUST FINE. Just perfect even. Thrilled. Free. And thennn.. I met a guy a couple months ago and it was instant. Like complete instant recognition. Like oh, what's your favorite song/food/dance move... oh no, I already knew everything. Our families are eerily similar in structure, faith, and food--at the same time they both asked us to the same restaurant. We've met everyone. We have a renewed interest in life. It's INSANE. On the first night we met he uttered "we will be married by october".. I totally believed him. So I guess.. I don't know.. Although we're not "planning", we talk about our future a lot. He's sent me his ideas for centerpieces. He wants to talk to my parents to ask permission and I think my dad is going to LOL at him. (as in, good luck bud, i'll believe it when we're at the altar).. I guess I'd feel more comfortable with a ring on my finger even though it's crazy. It would seem more real. I mean I've been in relationships for several years and was never sure. Not even a little. I<strong> do have some fears in this</strong> but sheesh if it works out, then it's really all worth it I guess. Little freaked out! (but not enough to run) anyway just wanted to say hi & explain myself to someone .. this is probably going to blow up in my face so I'm a bit gun-shy on the real life discussions, understandably.
Posted by annabelle22[/QUOTE]

I think you need to slow down a bit. You said yourself that you have thought these things before, so you don't want it to end the same way. Give it time and if he really is this perfect guy for you, then he will stick around for a while. You need to just enjoy this time you have now, and enjoy being in a relationship.

DanieKA

Welcome! 

To jump right in, you say you guys don't plan, but he sends you pictures of centerpieces he likes. That needs to stop until you guys are engaged. Same goes for food, venue ideas, honeymoon or anything like that. Although you aren't booking, that is sort of planning. Unless he comes across pictures of flower arrangements in the course of a normal day, he's putting the horse before the cart. 

I'd definitely take it slowly, just considering what you said about your previous engagements. like moto said, some people meet the person they know they want to be with, and that's great, but you said you thought you loved all those other guys too, so why not give it some time to make sure this one isn't like the others. 

While it's good to have an idea of what each of you wants in the future, After just a couple of months together and a renewed interest in life there should be so many exciting things going on that you don't have time to even come out of the haze of smiles and giggles. Focus on the things you two are doing together as a couple, right now, or this weekend, to get to know each other and just have fun in this first flush of the relationship. It seems like such a waste to spend all your time talking and thinking about the future, so soon into this relationship. You're missing the beginning. Don't build your roots on the future, build them on the present. Talk and think about the fun stuff you are gonna do today, not on an unset wedding date in October. 

You found someone you want to be with! That's awesome! Don't jump the gun. Don't wish for a ring to make something "more real." I'm not even sure what that means? 

Good luck! Don't rush it! 

annabelle22

thanks wow you guys are fast at the reply!

I know it seems a little manic.. I am well aware, lol. I'm taking everything into consideration one day at a time.

Cdefran1

Hello Annabelle,
I am also new to the board. I usually post in the philadelphia board, Have I seen you there too?

I met my boyfriend in a similar way, wasnt expecting it. We met at a friends wedding, he was a grooms man n I was a brides maid. Of course, I was intially attracted to him and we talked all night. He actually live in CA at that time and went back there after the wedding (im from PA). I asked my GF for his number and ended up texting him a few weeks later. We haven't stopped talking since. He came home to PA several times, I flew out there once, and then finally in may of 2010 he moved back to PA!. I originally didn't think anything would come of this or was I really looking, I knew I couldnt do a long distance relationship or move to the other side of the US. But he was so intriging and we hit it off right away and I am so happy I pursued him! lol

I agree with you... Having a ring on your finger makes it more real. You can talk about it and 'plan' it but until he commits with a ring then its more like a dream then real. And don't let you previous engagements dictate what will happen with you and him, meaning don't let your parents think its a joke (i.e. good luck, we wont believe it til we see it). You know why things went wrong before. You know why this relationship is different and maybe you should talk to your parents about that. I know I would feel funny if I was getting engage to a guy who broke off a previous engagement and his parents didnt seem to have 'faith' in the relationship.

Good luck! and welcome!

marleylikeair

Annabelle, PPs already have great advice here! I just wanted to add that I think slowing it down is good. You can easily fall into a "honeymoon phase" in a newer relationship and know you want to marry the person, but not really know everything about them until that phase wears off a bit. I know that my BF and I hit a bit of a rough patch as that phase was winding down for us. We're still great together, but we sure had to work out a few things, and let things settle down for awhile, before really thinking about getting engaged.

Personally, I think that honeymoon phase lasts anywhere from 6-10 months, and then you get about the business of really getting to know someone! I would recommend to absolutely anyone under the sun that they wait at least one year before getting engaged or moving in together. Not that it can't work if you don't; but if you're feeling rushed, it sure doesn't hurt. I know of a few marriages that failed horribly because the couple got engaged and married too soon to really and truly know that this was the right person, or at least to soon to have worked out whatever issues they may have had together.

Okay, I'm rambling a little, but I hope this helps! Welcome to the board!

heyimbren

Remember that you have nothing to lose by waiting a little longer. I would especially caution that since you have been engaged a few times.

While a ring on your finger (and a proposal) can make things more public, they don't make things more real on their own. The only way that a relationship can be more real depends on how the people treat it. You've been engaged before- you had those rings, and that didn't make your love or marriage any more real for you.

But in the meantime, really do slow down. Enjoy where you two are at right now, because it's a great place to be. You two may feel so perfect for each other right now, and you two may very well end up together in the end. But you really don't have anything at all to lose by waiting. Don't try to jump ahead to an engagement and wedding right now when it means you could miss out on the present.

loves2shop4shoes

Welcome.  Take some time to sort through your past.  Don't rush things.  If he's the one, he'll be the one in another year or two.