Not Engaged Yet

Any Advice on how to deal with this?

Thanks for the advice everyone!
"Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

Married! May 27th, 2012

Re: Any Advice on how to deal with this?

  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    Bleh.  I don't know which one makes me more uncomfortable.  The idea of having him there make me sick but I am also too much of a coward to tell his mom.  He is her broken wing child so she kind of babies him.  I don't want her mad at me.  :/  Thanks.  I am much better now but it messed me up for a long time.

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • karlee4everkarlee4ever member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Do you not want to invite him because you don't want him to BE invited or because you don't want him THERE? I ask because maybe you could invite him and he will decline to go because of the broken relationship? That way, at least you asked. But I could see your point if you didn't even want to give him the invitation to come.

    Also, do you think he would respect the wedding if he was there? Or would you expect him to get out of control in any way?

    I personally don't think he should be there, but I also don't think weddings (or birthdays, holidays) are a time to make any kind of statement that would cause drama. Maybe you should invite him to be cordial and to avoid the need to open up that can of worms to your aunt.

    And THEN maybe sometime down the road you might consider opening up to her about it all? I'm sorry you have to deal with this and for what happened in your past!
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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    No I don't want him to be there.  He isn't violent to my knowledge and I don't think he will cause a scene but the idea of him being there just makes me sick.
    I agree that family functions are not a place to make a statement.I don't think I could ever tell her.  I think it would tear the family apart.  Her husband already doesn't like him (my cousin is a liar) and I don't think it would go over well at all. 
    I just want to clarify he never hurt me physically, so there won't be any scene caused by him.  Thank you guys.

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • Hazel_BHazel_B member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I'm going to come at this from a different perspective. When you told your parents, what was their reaction and did they support you? Ultimately, will they defend you if you choose not to invite him?

    If your family is supporting you in this then I'd say feel free to not invite him and have your parents help you tell/explain to your aunt if she asks why. Discuss this with your parents before doing the inviting to make sure you will have that support.

    If your family won't help you out then it goes back to what Liv mentioned and what makes you more uncomfortable.
  • elanniselannis member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't any details, but maybe you could have your FI or your parents talk to him/email him and explain that he is being invited, but you'd prefer if he didn't come and that you're doing it for the sake of his mom and to avoid any drama. That way he can come up with an excuse for not coming, you don't have to talk to him, and your aunt won't know the difference?

    ETA: Hopefully he'll consider it for the sake of his mother. And I'm sorry that you are in this situation and for whatever he did in the past.
    -Ely

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  • karlee4everkarlee4ever member
    100 Comments Second Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    If you don't want him to be there, then don't invite him. Its your wedding and you deserve happiness on that day. Ok, you deserve happiness every day but especially that day!

    elannis makes a good point of maybe letting him know that he isn't invited and why. he probably wants to hide it from his mother as well and would be willing to make up an excuse.
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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-deal-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:424eda12-f948-429c-9a6e-170e3241ee2bPost:704ff4a6-6cbe-47a8-bbd5-1090dbb3038d">Re: Any Advice on how to deal with this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]I'm going to come at this from a different perspective. When you told your parents, what was their reaction and did they support you? Ultimately, will they defend you if you choose not to invite him? If your family is supporting you in this then I'd say feel free to not invite him and have your parents help you tell/explain to your aunt if she asks why. Discuss this with your parents before doing the inviting to make sure you will have that support. If your family won't help you out then it goes back to what Liv mentioned and what makes you more uncomfortable.
    Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]
    <p class="MsoNormal">Yes they did support me.  Originally my dad was going to sit him down with my uncle and talk to him but I think my mom talked him out of it because she didn't want to create family drama.  I think my dad will but I am not sure about my mom.  She is all about not creating any waves and sweeping everything under the rug and never talking about it.  That is a good idea with my family.  I might do that. </p> <p class="MsoNormal">Eliannis-<span>  </span>I won’t even be in the same room with him.<span>  </span>I have no contract with him I am dread family get together because he always tries to talk to me.  And he also lies so I am not sure that talking to him about it would do any good.</p>
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • elanniselannis member
    Seventh Anniversary 2500 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Well you can always send him a note saying if he come there will plenty of NEY ladies waiting to take him down!!

    Joking aside, that is a sticky situation. If you don't think he'd just show up, you could just address the invite to his parents and maybe he just won't come, but it sounds like he's dillusional and insists on seeking you out. You don't think another authority figure, like you dad, would be able to talk to him and "ask" him not to come?

    If you're not close to him, and your aunt knows this, could you say that you ran past your guest allowance and since you aren't particularly close, you chose to not invite him because you thought he wouldn't mind?

    -Ely

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  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Gah! TK ate my post! Let's try this again...
  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Okay:  I may have said this all much better the last time, so forgive me!

    This is about YOU. It's not about your aunt, and it's not about Sleazebag.  You don't want him there. He shouldn't be there.  Period. 

    I tend to be forthright to fault and never sweet things under the rug... but that's obviously not how you roll, so here's my suggestions:

    You don't want him to show up, so you need to make it explicit that he's not invited. I would call up your aunt after you send out the invitations and chat about the upcoming wedding--ask if her she got the invite, if she's RSVPing... how many. Wedding related RSVP chitchat stuff. IF she says he's not coming, then great. Problem averted. If she asks if he's invited, say no, he is not invited. IF she asks why, explain that it's guest list/personal/you're not close/whatever, but he's not on the invite list. If she gets pushy and fussy about him not attending, say: "I love you, and I hope to see you at the wedding. But if you won't attend because sleazebag is not invited, then we can catch up and share photos after the wedding is over."

    Stand firm. 
  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-deal-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:424eda12-f948-429c-9a6e-170e3241ee2bPost:1b98994b-b996-4bad-a818-a9fcc9a496cc">Re: Any Advice on how to deal with this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well you can always send him a note saying if he come there will plenty of NEY ladies waiting to take him down!! Joking aside, that is a sticky situation. If you don't think he'd just show up, you could just address the invite to his parents and maybe he just won't come, but it sounds like he's dillusional and insists on seeking you out. You don't think another authority figure, like you dad, would be able to talk to him and "ask" him not to come? If you're not close to him, and your aunt knows this, could you say that you ran past your guest allowance and since you aren't particularly close, you chose to not invite him because you thought he wouldn't mind?
    Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]
    Nice lol. :)
    I might be able to ask my dad or FI (he did want to have a talk with him at one point) I don't think telling my aunt that would work.  My entire family is being invited, including other aunt who hates my mom.  Thanks for all the advice girls.
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-deal-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:424eda12-f948-429c-9a6e-170e3241ee2bPost:08717966-1ba2-4ac6-938a-97d546488235">Re: Any Advice on how to deal with this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Any Advice on how to deal with this? : Nice lol. :) I might be able to ask my dad or FI (he did want to have a talk with him at one point) 
    Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

    <div>Do you think they could do this without pounding his face in? Heck, I want to pound his face in. Need security?  I'm TOUGH!</div>
  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-deal-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:424eda12-f948-429c-9a6e-170e3241ee2bPost:63dc0eb5-28cb-45dc-b91a-f63ff1ea9056">Re: Any Advice on how to deal with this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Okay:  I may have said this all much better the last time, so forgive me! This is about YOU. It's not about your aunt, and it's not about Sleazebag.  You don't want him there. He shouldn't be there.  Period.  I tend to be forthright to fault and never sweet things under the rug... <strong>but that's obviously not how you roll,</strong> so here's my suggestions: You don't want him to show up, so you need to make it explicit that he's not invited. I would call up your aunt after you send out the invitations and chat about the upcoming wedding--ask if her she got the invite, if she's RSVPing... how many. Wedding related RSVP chitchat stuff. IF she says he's not coming, then great. Problem averted. If she asks if he's invited, say no, he is not invited. IF she asks why, explain that it's guest list/personal/you're not close/whatever, but he's not on the invite list. If she gets pushy and fussy about him not attending, say: "I love you, and I hope to see you at the wedding. But if you won't attend because sleazebag is not invited, then we can catch up and share photos after the wedding is over." Stand firm. 
    Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]
    Well I wouldn't agree with that.  That is how my mom rolls.  I just don't see any point of bring it up until now.  It will only cause problems, and that sucks to have to choose between your child and your niece. 
    What you have to say makes a lot of sense and it is a good idea.  Of course I don't have to do anything yet but I wanted to prepare myself for this.  
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_advice-deal-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:424eda12-f948-429c-9a6e-170e3241ee2bPost:328f0e7f-4398-4c18-b4ab-29fd24319ee1">Re: Any Advice on how to deal with this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Any Advice on how to deal with this? : Do you think they could do this without pounding his face in? Heck, I want to pound his face in. Need security?  I'm TOUGH!
    Posted by becunning2[/QUOTE]
    Aw thank you :)  Ya... IDK.  Somehow I doubt it.  They are very angry with him. 
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    Ahh, gotcha! That makes sense. Yeah, I'd let it percolate at the back of the brain for awhile; you don't have to do anything immediately. But having some good strategies on the backburner would be handy (and make you feel more prepared for dealing with it). 

    Also, if you doubt your dad/FI could talk to him in person without pounding him, they shouldn't. And they'd have to be able to deal with it well on the phone too... so that might be a questionable route to me. 

    G'luck. And Hugs.  And Security-Wielding-Baseball Bats. :)
  • csousa1csousa1 member
    Ninth Anniversary 1000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    First off Ray, I am so so sorry that you went through whatever it is he put you through.

    My mom had a cousin that was incredibly innappropriate with her when she was young. Sexual abuse type stuff. I'm not saying that is what happened to you, or asking for clarification, just wanted to share a similar story. She blocked it out for years, and when she finally told her mother,her mother told her she must have misremembered or was a liar, and to never speak ill of family again. This would be the main reason I am not a fan of my grandmother. My mother has dreaded any interaction with this cousin, and avoided it at all costs. She now has a lot more peace about it and it does not worry her nearly as much, but we are still protective of her. When she was forced to see him at my grandfather and aunt's funerals this past year, my family formed a barrier between him and her at all times. My dad, my sister and I, and our menfolk were always flanking my mom until the Sleazebag left. It is very upsetting to have someone have to feel that way, and I am so sorry that you have this to deal with.

    I am glad your parents stood by you, although I really wish your mom was not so willing to sweep anything that ever hurt you under the rug. You are such a sweet, amazing person - you deserve to have everyone you love throw down on your behalf! That being said, I can understand not wanting to have that awkward and painful conversation with your aunt. Please don't call yourself a coward - it is not cowardly to not want to hurt your aunt by telling her what a creep her son is. You would be well within your rights to tell her if you were comfortable with it, but being that you have already been through so much with this yucky situation, you should not have to force more discomfort on yourself.

    I like the idea of having your dad or Fi deal with it - preferably both. And you don't have to tell your aunt details as to why he is not invited. You can repeat yourself as much as necessary  -"It is a personal decision, we do not have the room and he and I are not close. I love you and respect you, and I truly hope you can attend. Please respect me by not pushing the subject." That would be very hard to say, I imagine, but perhaps easier than the alternative.

    So many hugs and vibes your way, and I hope you are able to get this figured out in a way that works for you and doesn't make you uneasy.
  • PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    5000 Comments Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I really can't add anything except *hugs*

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  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Raven - I'm sorry you have to deal with this. Here's my advice. Don't invite him. When and if it comes up in conversation with your aunt, just tell her that some stuff went down between the two of you a long time ago. That you don't want to re-hash it, but that it was serious enough that he did not get an invite. 

    You are an adult, and have every right to make that decision. Your aunt shouldn't expect a play-by-play of what happened, and hopefully will just respect that decision, especially if you aren't bad-mouthing her son, but just saying it matter-of-factly.
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  • AzorayAzoray member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    One way around it is being indirectly honest.

    Someone above suggested you send him an invite to be polite and then let him know he's not ACTUALLY invited, in no way do i mean to demean the poster of this comment, i just personally think this is a horrible idea.

    The way i look at it, if you send someone an invitation then they ARE invited.

    if you don't want him to come, do NOT invite him.

    I think too, it would be wise to speak up.  you do not need to go into any details and you don't even need to be the one to speak up.

    I think if you're concerned about someone asking questions about it or you're concerned someone may bring him "as a guest" then perhaps someone (your parent maybe? if you don't feel comfortable doing it yourself) should contact your aunt and let her KNOW that he's not invited.

    i don't advise making up an excuse why he can't come such as a smaller venue or head count.  i just don't really see this as a reasonable excuse to cut out ONE family member while you invite the rest of the family.  it will either come across rude or suspicious.

    i think it would be wise to have someone speak to your aunt and just let her know that in the past you've had conflict with the cousin and at this time you're not comfortable with him attending the wedding.  i don't think it's neccessary to go into ANY DETAILS as to what happened between you. that's YOUR business. if you're not comfortable telling people then that's your choice.

    you could have your mom speak to your aunt and just let her know that you have conflict with the cousin and she wanted your aunt to know that he won't be included on the guest list so that the aunt isn't caught off guard by it, but she can tell your mom that at this time you'd rather keep the conflict between you and the cousin and not extend it into the family.  your mom can play dumb and say she doesn't know much more beyond that you're not wanting him to the attend the wedding.  and that she is contacting your aunt instead of you contacting her because you were concerned about your aunts feelings and wanted to be respectful or something along those lines.

  • edited December 2011
    I wouldn't invite him and if his family is rude enough to ask why, I'd tell them to ask HIM.
  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    csous- Thank you.  I'm sending you a PM shortly.  I did talk to FI and he said he would be more than willing to take care of it and he would ask my dad to help if that is what I wanted.
    Paige- Thanks! *hugs*
    Tiger- That is a really good idea. 
    Azo- It really isn't a good idea to let my mom do anything for me.  She would duck out of it or worse yet never do any of it.
    Shoes- You made me laugh, thank you :)

    Thank you all for your support!  I am still going to think on it some more.  I hate confrontation of any sort about this (it was so hard for me to tell my parents) so I will need to pray and think about it more.  I really appreciate all your advice.  I love you girls!  You are awesome! <3

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    There is a reason people used to call the old regs on this board uppity bitches, and I'm about to demonstrate.

    Ray, if you can't handle the discomfort of politely talking with others about your cousin not being invited...then you have to deal with having him there. Those are the choices, plain and simple.

    If you can't stand up for yourself, then remember that YOU control your emotions, and if your cousin shows up, you don't HAVE to feel any one particular way. Don't let one person cast a shadow on your day. Refuse to let it happen.

    Or you could woman up and not invite him.

    Having the courage to establish and maintain healthy, reasonable boundaries with others is really important, IMO, to having a healthy and happy life.

    It's not okay for others to tell you who you can and cannot invite.

    It's not okay for others to invite people YOU did not invite to your wedding.

    There IS a way of maintaining your composure, staying polite, and simply refusing to give way.

    You can say things like, "That is where our cutoff point fell. We couldn't invite everyone." or "We would appreciate if you would respect our wishes in regards to our guestlist."

    Something that works for me is to say, 'I'm sorry you feel that way." and then just blinkblink. You are not arguing, but nor are you disregarding someone else's feelings, yet you are still holding your ground.

    GL and please keep us updated.

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  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    Raven, I have to agree with Desert here.  Seriously, weddings seem to bring out the best and the worst in families, and this is one of those times.

    I'm sorry that your cousin hurt you when you two were kids, but you have to either let it slide and face him on your wedding day, or grow a pair and not invite him.  So what if it causes some family drama?  Honestly, I'd be willing to bet that if your parents are standing behind you now, they'll stand behind you no matter what decision you make.

    That being said, you need to decide what you're comfortable with.  If the thought of him being there makes you physically ill, then you're just going to have to woman up and not invite him and stand firm on it.  And tell your family whatever you have to to make it clear that he isn't invited.  It's not his day.  It's you and your fiance's day.  And nothing should happen on your wedding day that you aren't comfortable with.

    It's a crappy situation, but it is what it is.  Good luck, and love headed your way <3


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  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    Aw Desert I don't think you were uppity.  You and Peeks are right I do have to make a choice.  I am absolutely a chicken about it and I hate making decisions like this but I do have to make one.  I really can't say much more then that at this time.  I need to think about it some more.  Thank you all for giving me a broad range of ways to handle it.  I value your feedback very much.  I will keep you updated when I make a decision.  Luckily I don't have to make one for a while yet.  And Peeks I laughed hard at your comment.  <3 you! Thanks for making me feel worth fighting for :)

    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • desertsundesertsun member
    5000 Comments Fifth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I'm glad you have time and you asked us early so you could get a range and have some time to mull things over. That will help you make the right decision for you. And as always, I support you in your right to make your own decision. Keeping you in my thoughts.


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