Not Engaged Yet

Should I read into this?

ETA: Fixed the font

My bf and I have our birthdays coming up (they're only 10 days apart) so we were talking about what we wanted for our birthdays. Then we started talking about how to find the perfect gift for people. 

Then he said something along the lines of, "so, how does this whole engagement thing work? Is it better to go with your girlfriend to shop or to make it a total surprise?" 

His tone sounded innocent enough, but then again he's 30 (so old enough to be seriously considering settling down), our relationship has been fairly consistently good at this point, and we've been looking at apartment complexes together because we're going to move in together once my lease is up (May). 

I answered innocently, citing what my friends have done and what my ex and I did before we got engaged (we never got married). 

Should I seriously consider this as a possible sign of things to come in the near future? Or should I just consider it an innocent question?

Re: Should I read into this?

  • First off - for the love of pete - fix your font. It hurts my eyes.

    It's too early in the morning for that.

    Second, don't read into it. Men take their sweet time doing things. My FI had the ring for 8 months before proposing. I know several ladies on here had similar situations.
    SO, chill
  • Hi.

    I think you should not spend any more time speculating about what he means, and instead go to him and talk with him about getting married. The best practice is to not go elsewhere for the information you desire, but instead speak to the source. Only he knows what he means and only you two can decide your futures.

    And happy almost birthday!
  • Ow my eyes.

    Don't question every little thing that he says in regards to weddings.  It'll drive you BSC.  Just take everything with a grain of salt.  It'll wear off after a while.  Last night BF asked if my dad's friend had any connections in the Diamond District in NYC.  Six months ago I would've been BSC "OMG HE'S GOING TO PROPOSE LIKE TODAY!"  Now, I'm like "meh whatevs"

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  • Men definitely do not think the way we do. So while that itty bitty convo might tell you OMG MY BF IS GOING TO PROPOSE NEXT WEEKEND! to him it's probably just the start of things and could take a year (or more) until he actually asks you to marry him. 

    My advice is don't read into it. If you do, you'll drive yourself (and him) nuts every time you expect him to propose and he doesn't. 



  • Yeah, I'm not going nuts over here. I'm not even that marriage-crazed because 18 months ago my fiance broke up with me and that just made me get really over marriage. 

    Also, my bf and I have only been dating for 7 months. So, yeah, I can wait.

    I just hate when men bait women like this. It's like, if you don't want to get married, don't ask me such detailed questions about it. My ex used to do this too. It's like they think they're making us happy by talking about this stuff, but it just makes things worse if they don't intend on doing it. 

    And I didn't even bring it up! It was totally out of the blue.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:e4b79da5-891e-4b19-b70d-f5bbce5283c8">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, I'm not going nuts over here. <strong>I'm not even that marriage-crazed because 18 months ago my fiance broke up with me and that just made me get really over marriage. </strong> Also, my bf and I have only been dating for 7 months. So, yeah, I can wait.<strong> I just hate when men bait women like this. It's like, if you don't want to get married, don't ask me such detailed questions about it. </strong>My ex used to do this too. It's like they think they're making us happy by talking about this stuff, but it just makes things worse if they don't intend on doing it.  And I didn't even bring it up! It was totally out of the blue.
    Posted by LSChic[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>First, I'm sorry your exFI broke it off with you.  I know ending an engagement isn't easy - I've broken one off previously.

    Second, how is him asking about engagement baiting you?  So what if he doesn't want to get married tomorrow?  He may be thinking long term.  My BF and I have talked about it, and he's asked what kind of an engagement would be important to me - turns out we have the same ideas.  Eventually, we'll probably go look together, and then he'll surprise me, just the two of us, no audience.  I'm not over here going crazy because I know we're not close to being at that place.  Just because we talked about it a couple times doesn't mean that we're ready to do it tomorrow, it just means that in the future, we'd like to take the next step together.</div>
    I french with my man
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:e4b79da5-891e-4b19-b70d-f5bbce5283c8">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, I'm not going nuts over here. I'm not even that marriage-crazed because 18 months ago my fiance broke up with me and that just made me get really over marriage.  Also, my bf and I have only been dating for 7 months. So, yeah, I can wait.<strong> I just hate when men bait women like this. </strong>It's like, if you don't want to get married, don't ask me such detailed questions about it. My ex used to do this too. It's like they think they're making us happy by talking about this stuff, but it just makes things worse if they don't intend on doing it.  And I didn't even bring it up! It was totally out of the blue.
    Posted by LSChic[/QUOTE]

    <div>I'm not understanding this statement. If my FI and I hadn't talked about getting married then I would have side-eyed the shlt out of him when he proposed. Marriage is a HUGE commitment, one of the biggest decisions you'll ever make, so it makes sense to discuss it before doing it and it's important to make sure you're on the same page. I don't get how him bringing up the possibility of marriage is "baiting" you. If you can't discuss your future together, you should be getting married. </div><div>
    </div><div>How old are you?</div>



  • @ Peekaboo

    You make a good point. I think I'm just super sensitive because of my last relationship.
  • I'm 25. Bf is 30.
  • Rach makes a fantastic point.  If you can't discuss your future with your BF, you're not ready to get married - and that stands if you're 17 or 70.
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  • Yeah, I definitely wouldn't think too much in to it. My BF brought up marriage around the 9-10th month mark but, we haven't even looked at rings yet. So guys move at their own pace and don't think nearly the way we do about things. If you feel as if your future is with him, and you want to be with him forever then you just need to keep an open line of communication and discuss it with him. I would suggest making a timeline. Even though it most likely won't be followed to the tee, it will at least give you an idea of where things are going.
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  • When I was 22, I saw an episode of some reality TV show where the contestants went to Barbados and I decided right then that I needed my BF to take me to Barbados likeomgrightnow.  It was mostly a joke thing, but I hounded him about for a week.  Finally, he said "how about we save that for when I propose to you?" or something like that.

    It was exciting to know he was thinking along those lines, and I'll admit that I called my best friend and was all like "but what does this meeeeaaan?" but we didn't get engaged for almost 4 years after that.  And he still hasn't taken me to Barbados.  Bastard.

    So yeah, it's fine to get a little excited to know that he's thinking about it at all, but don't drive yourself crazy
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:5f0aa17d-9a51-4e11-b5f2-41e84b42d574">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]When I was 22, I saw an episode of some reality TV show where the contestants went to Barbados and I decided right then that<strong> I needed my BF to take me to Barbados likeomgrightnow</strong>.  It was mostly a joke thing, but I hounded him about for a week.  Finally, he said "how about we save that for when I propose to you?" or something like that. It was exciting to know he was thinking along those lines, and I'll admit that I called my best friend and was all like "but what does this meeeeaaan?" but we didn't get engaged for almost 4 years after that.  And he still hasn't taken me to Barbados.  Bastard. So yeah, it's fine to get a little excited to know that he's thinking about it at all, but don't drive yourself crazy
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    <div>I need my BF to take me to Barbados now.  Thanks for that.</div>
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:17053d13-1d8b-49f4-8941-3836054f51d4">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I read into this? : I need my BF to take me to Barbados now.  Thanks for that.
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    If your SO takes you to Barbados before mine takes me, we're friends off.  H and I have been together longer and we're older.  We <em>deserve</em> it more!
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:593e5396-de9c-4e58-9095-2e85dd91a28b">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I read into this? : If your SO takes you to Barbados before mine takes me, we're friends off.  H and I have been together longer and we're older.  We deserve it more!
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]

    <div>He had damn well better take me to Greece or England next year if we don't get to go to Barbados.  </div>
    I french with my man
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:593e5396-de9c-4e58-9095-2e85dd91a28b">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I read into this? : If your SO takes you to Barbados before mine takes me, we're friends off.  H and I have been together longer and we're older.  <strong>We deserve it more!</strong>
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
    Don't hold your breathe.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:585d3ad2-bf39-464b-adee-eada4fd88d74">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I read into this? : Don't hold your breathe.
    Posted by LaSak87[/QUOTE]

    I'm going to beat you to Barbados.
  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:3df09938-e512-41da-af2f-2de6766d311b">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I read into this? : I'm going to beat you to Barbados.
    Posted by Elle1036[/QUOTE]
    Bahhh, you made me spit out my soup!
    Anniversary
  • All I would take from it is he is thinking about the future with you.  Two months into our relationship my bf threw out the idea of selling his place to pay for a ring and a wedding.  I KNEW he was insane for saying it and it was never going to happen, but it was really nice to know he was thinking about the future with me.  It was an in the moment thing that just blurted out of him. 

    Did he sell his place or buy a ring then, um no. Well over a year later we moved in together and RENTED his place out.  Three months after that we went and talked to a jeweler about rings. Guys move at a their own pace.

    Not all men say things to string women along.  I'm sorry you feel your ex-FI did.  Take this as a good step in the right direction with your current relationship and enjoy where you are.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:9c9fdfe8-c2ce-4308-94be-5ebc17a9b3d7">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I read into this? : He had damn well better take me to Greece or England next year if we don't get to go to Barbados.  
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    Girl, I am on the same page as you.  BF promised me London.  London has not been booked for 2013.  Not happy.  He better fix this.
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:e4b79da5-891e-4b19-b70d-f5bbce5283c8">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Yeah, I'm not going nuts over here. I'm not even that marriage-crazed because 18 months ago my fiance broke up with me and that just made me get really over marriage.  Also, my bf and I have only been dating for 7 months. So, yeah, I can wait. I just hate when men bait women like this. It's like, if you don't want to get married, don't ask me such detailed questions about it. My ex used to do this too. It's like they think they're making us happy by talking about this stuff, but it just makes things worse if they don't intend on doing it.  And I didn't even bring it up! It was totally out of the blue.
    Posted by LSChic[/QUOTE]

    <div>You need to talk to your boyfriend about your expectations of marriage. It seems he might be thinking 'someday' and it would be great if now, at this point of your relationship, you two got on the same page about what you want from marriage, or if you even want marriage at all. Having that discussion doesn't mean that you are going to get engaged anytime soon, or that you're going to set up a specific timeframe, it just means that the two of you can communicate with each other about your wants and needs for the future.</div>
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    Still here and still fabulous!

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:3494211d-2c4b-4dfd-9564-69361afab84d">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Should I read into this? : Girl, I am on the same page as you.  BF promised me London.  London has not been booked for 2013.  Not happy.  He better fix this.
    Posted by suzie211[/QUOTE]

    <div>Sweetcheeks, I was supposed to go this summer.  Wait your turn.</div>
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  • Well, here it is, I talked to him. He just said that he was honestly curious. He's from a different country/culture so he wanted to know how we got engaged. 

    I kindly asked him not to bring up the subject off marriage/engagement unless I bring it up first or he's serious about the issue. 

    I told him that I guess I'm a little more insecure about the whole subject than most people because of my bad experience. 

    I'm glad I talked to him because he didn't seem to have a problem with the conversation and now I feel like we're on the same page again. I guess I was a little disappointed, but I really, reeeeeally love the guy and I still feel like he's perfect for me. If we're meant to be, it won't matter if we ever get engaged/married. We'll love each other just the same. I'm just so lucky I found him.

    What we did talk about was his job ending. He's an untenored professor at a US university and his job sponsored his Visa. He has 3 more semesters and then he has to find a new job. If he doesn't find one by the time his job ends, it's back to Europe for him.

    So we have talked marriage in that context and that's fine because it's a practical reason and all intentions were on the table.
  • I am glad you had that talk.  Sounds like it was very productive.  
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_should-i-read-into-this?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4280ff55-18d0-4d9b-9dc8-72ace55112f8Post:c4fedea0-fdc8-4310-912a-e3bb0d8b34b2">Re: Should I read into this?</a>:
    [QUOTE]Well, here it is, I talked to him.  He just said that he was honestly curious. He's from a different country/culture so he wanted to know how we got engaged. <strong> I kindly asked him not to bring up the subject off marriage/engagement unless I bring it up first or he's serious about the issue.</strong>  I told him that I guess <strong>I'm a little more insecure about the whole subject than most people because of my bad experience</strong>.  I'm glad I talked to him because he didn't seem to have a problem with the conversation and now I feel like we're on the same page again. <strong>I guess I was a little disappointed</strong>, but I really, reeeeeally love the guy and I still feel like he's perfect for me. If we're meant to be, it won't matter if we ever get engaged/married. We'll love each other just the same. I'm just so lucky I found him. <strong>What we did talk about was his job ending.</strong> He's an untenored professor at a US university and his job sponsored his Visa. He has 3 more semesters and then he has to find a new job. If he doesn't find one by the time his job ends, it's back to Europe for him. <strong>So we have talked marriage in that context and that's fine because it's a practical reason and all intentions were on the table.</strong>
    Posted by LSChic[/QUOTE]

    <div>While it's a good thing you guys talked, I really think you need to take some time and figure out what YOU want.  You say that you don't want him to bring it up unless you do it first or he's serious?  That seems crazy to me.  Why can't you guys just talk about it if it happens to come up naturally?  Forcing him to be completely guarded about what he says seems counterintuitive.  If he's "perfect for you", you two should be able to talk about anything.  </div><div>
    </div><div>Second, I'm confused as to why you would be disappointed that he's not trying to propose yesterday when you're more insecure about marriage because your last engagement didn't work out.  This is what makes me think you aren't sure what you want.  Do you want to be married, or did your last relationship take it off the table for you?  You at least owe it to him to tell him exactly where you stand.</div><div>
    </div><div>Third, you did or didn't really talk about marriage?  Because now it sounds like you told him never to speak to you again about it unless you bring it up, and then switched to the fact that his visa expires in a year and a half.  And then you'll get married to keep him here, or he'll go back to Europe?</div><div>
    </div><div>You're all over the place.  I really think that rather than focus on his visa ending, you need to take some time and figure out exactly what you want, both from a relationship and from life.  What are your "deal-breakers"?  Do you have to be married to have kids?  Do you even want kids?  What do you want in two years, in five years, in ten years?  These are the questions that you need to answer for yourself before you drag him through this, because all I'm seeing is a pile of crazy.</div>
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