Can I hit my brother?? (vent)

[Deleted User]

Sorry, guys, I just need to vent for a minute...

Most of you know that BF works in VA 4-5 days a week and is home in NY every weekend... Well, he's been miserable going back and forth for the last year but he hasn't said anything to my brothers (who he works for) because... well, I dont know why he hasn't spoken up... but he finally decided to say something to them yesterday...

So, he sat down with J first and explained to him that he never agreed to go to VA permenantly and that he has things that he needs to take care of up here so, he doesn't want to go back to VA... J said that was fine and he could work up here...

Then, he sits down with A, J and my sis-in-law and tells A the same thing... The first thing A says is "You can pay your bills online"... So, BF says "I can't live my life online!!"  After several minutes of arguing BF got so frustrated that he just got up and walked away... and on the way out A says to him "Tell Liza (me!) to stop telling you that you need to be up here... you're staying in Virginia!"

EXCUSE ME, WHAT!?!?!  First of all, I never told BF that he needs to be up here because of me! I told him that if he's so miserable down there, for whatever his reasons are, then he needs to come back to NY... Second, I WISH my brother would have said that crap to me! because after I slapped him I would have told him where to go and how to get there!

I'm still fuming from the whole thing...

nottheonlydreamer44

Ouch. This is where the whole working for family thing comes into play. Is he going to stay in VA or come back to NY? Was there a decision made or just the argument?

I really hope that he gets what he wants and maybe you need to talk to your brothers and let them know that you are not telling your BF what to do or how to do it - his decisions are his own. It might not work but if he's that miserable then maybe it might be time to re-think his job.

That's just me though. Sorry sweetie.

calindi

You need to separate your relationship with your brothers from your BF's professional relationship with his bosses (who happen to be your brothers).  And your brothers need to (though who knows if they will) separate their working relationship with your BF from being your brother.

In an ideal world, anyway.

Listen, if I came home saying my bosses were having me work in a different state 4-5 days per week, BF would say to me, "Well, do you want to find a new job?  Is there someone you can talk to about changing things?"  My BF wouldn't be pissed at my bosses and want to hit them.  He'd give me advice on how to handle my own professional relationship with my bosses and make the right decisions for me.

Your BF's options in this situation are to:
1) Ask to be moved up to NY
2) Move permanently to VA
3) Continue the brutal commute to live in NY and work in VA
4) Change jobs

It sounds like he's already tried Option #1 and failed, now it's his choice to pick from #2-4.  Is the job that important that he can't leave?  Then he needs to pick #2 or #3.  Are there other job options?  I'd highly recommend Option #4.

PaigeMcC

I agree with Cate.   I was actually about to say something similar.  

[Deleted User]

@ Dreamer - Right now, no decision was made... BF is having surgery again today so he wont be able to go back to VA for at least 2 weeks... but, after that my brother is expecting him to go back to VA.

@ Cate (and Paige) - You're right, I do need to separate my relationship with my brothers from BF's professional relationship with them... It's hard to do though because BF has worked for them since we were young so, in essense, he's like one of the 'brothers' but they take serious advantage of him. My brother, J, understands because he has a wife and kids up here and refuses to go to VA... but A doesn't care because his wife and kid aren't as important to him as his money!

I've minded my business all this time because it's not my place to fight his battles for him, even if they are my brothers... but my brother dragged me into it by saying what he said! He is assuming that I'm the only reason why BF wants to be in NY... Which isn't the case... BF has a mother, a sister and a family that he wants to be here for...

The job is nothing to really fight for... he's not making the kind of money that makes the travelling and the aggravation worth it... so, his decision is to find another job...  

calindi

Lyz - if he wants to be in NY and his job requires him to be in VA, then he needs to find another job.  End of story.

His options still stand.  And they have NOTHING to do with the fact that his bosses are your brothers - occasionally a job has certain requirements, and you can either accept them or get a new job.  We all have the same options.  He can either suck it up or find a new job.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_can-hit-brother-vent?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4379f5e4-31c9-42d1-b8b7-798abd53b457Post:2ceb3714-de0f-4748-9661-767988da3e6e">Re: Can I hit my brother?? (vent)</a>:
[QUOTE]Lyz - if he wants to be in NY and his job requires him to be in VA, then he needs to find another job.  End of story. His options still stand.  And they have NOTHING to do with the fact that his bosses are your brothers - occasionally a job has certain requirements, and you can either accept them or get a new job.  We all have the same options.  He can either suck it up or find a new job.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

I agree with you! If it were me, I would have searched for another job 15 years ago. I really don't understand why he's put up with it for all this time. I don't know if he's too insecure to look for another job because working for them is all he knows how to do... or if he wants to be loyal to them because they are 'family'... or if the fact that he's not financially able to start his own business is holding him back... It's probably a combination of all those things... but he said last night that he's going to search for another job... So, I'm happy he's made a decision...

I'm just aggravated that my brother decided to say what he said about me... and, I'm trying to stay calm because right now I really want to tell him off... If he was being professional and acting as a boss, he never would have said what he said...