Talking dates before the ring?

heartu618

So, the bf tells me everything despite the fact that he knows I love surprises.  I didn't want to be involved at all in the "engagement" process and initially was annoyed when he started asking me to point out rings I like (ring shopping).  And then it was the little comments ( my future wife, i know you're the one, mrs. hislastname) which really got under my skin.  I like action, if you mean these things then prove them. Don't just say them.  Anywho, that was 4 months ago and I made him vow to never even hint at marriage until he was ready to propose.  A few weeks ago he sent me a picture of a ring, I approved, and he's been making payments on the ring every week.  For me, I'm still waiting ont he actual proposal because I know that is something special for both of us and will make it official.  But we've already started talking about what time of year we want to be married. Not setting dates or anything, just discussing it.  Could this make my anxiety resurface? Did you do this with your BF before you were engaged? Advice?
I have thick skin, so trust that you won't hurt my feelings on being too blunt.

fraycou

Im in the exact same position!!! My BF will randomly look at me and say things like "I can't wait to propose, it's gonna be the best"... THEN DO IT ALREADY!

to answer your question, yes we know a date we would like to have the wedding, and we've actually known it for quite some time. Knowing the date (or at least year and season) helps ease any anxiety i have, it makes it easier for me to think about longer term goals. 

leia1979

Hi there!

I don't really know enough to say whether your anxiety may come back, so...maybe.

I will say my FI and I spoke about getting married next September for about three or four months before he proposed. I think picking out a particular season or month for some reason or another is fine. But leave it at that, and try not to dwell to much on an impending proposal. Give your BF space and time to do whatever he's gonna do.

jemmini6

Talking possible dates/time of year is fine.  My FI and I talked a lot about marriage for about a year before we actually got engaged and it definitely didn't ruin the surprise (obviously I knew it was coming, I just didn't know how, when or where).  Every once and a while, talking about wedding stuff before we were engaged made me anxious because I would get the feeling "if we are talking about it, why don't we just do it" kind of thing.  However, that was usually short lived because in the end, I was still with the person I wanted to be with, beit as my BF or FI.

heartu618

sorry that I double-posted this topic...anywho. Thanks! this really helps and glad I found a site that have people in my situation!  I felt crazy for a while. His main concern was season, which season would we want to celebrate our marriage (anniversary) for the rest of our life. so we know the season and possible month, that's enough for me.  Anymore would make me anxious again. We agreed to not set a date until we are actually engaged. Lol  i'm really the type where the less i know, the bettter when it comes to this "pre-engaged" phase...high anxiety/stress/anticipation.

heartu618

thx for reminding me that there IS still an element of surprise... (when, where, how)  I lose sight of that sometimes.

paperllama

My boyfriend and I know the date that he's going to propose. Yes, for some people, that might take away ALL the fun, but in our situation, it's kind of something that's hard to make a surprise. We currently live about 3,000 miles away from each other, and only get to see each other once every 4 months or so. We have both agreed we want to get married in the Springtime, but that Spring 2012 is a bit too far away for our liking, so we'd like to get married in Spring 2011.

However, we want to make sure there's at least 6 months between our engagement and our marriage, which would put him proposing in December of this year (while I am visiting him). If you go by what many people say, we're already "engaged" (since all it takes is a verbal agreement, you don't HAVE to have a ring)... but the both of us have decided that we want to at least be somewhat traditional, and are waiting for a ring-in-hand opportunity.

I say all that to say that, personally, I think it depends on the person as to whether it will make anxiety resurface. For me, thinking about the little things that can be changed at any time (who I would want my bridesmaids to be, who I want to walk me down the aisle, etc.) helps ease my anxiety, because that way, when the time comes, I'll be able to focus on the "WE" parts of our wedding (the things we need to agree on TOGETHER), and all the "ME" parts (what color I want MY bridesmaids to wear, or what kind of hairdo I want) will already be decided... so I can focus on the decisions we make together.

AmeliaAndSeth8890

I think the PP who said there is still a surprise is right on - We picked out my ring together, I knew to some extent when he started paying on it and such - but the when, how, where, etc was COMPLETELY a surprise. And I'm not even a big fan of surprises. Plus, the nature of the proposal meant more to me than having a hand in choosing a ring. He nailed it!

I also think that talking about time of year is fine. We narrowed it down to a 3 month period before we got engaged and then counted out all family birthdays (don't get me started - we have a ton!) we sort of knew it would be one of maybe 3 or 4 weekends? It helps to know this to help wrap your mind around the idea.

AND coming from a fairly anxious person, it actually HELPED my anxiety to just speak about preferences for dates and even our idea of colors and things both "pre-engagement" and right after we were engaged. I *hope* it doesn't make you more anxious - and if it does, just do what you would do about your anxiety anyway.

And for AFTER the engagement - don't let yourself get bogged down in the details - no one else will care NEARLY as much as you think they will. Let it be fun and enjoy it! I haven't really done too much planning yet but I am excited rather than anxious to do more.

Good Luck!

singingjessi14

My fiance and I talked dates before the proposal and even started in on some basic planning before he popped the question. A lot of our plans changed right after we got engaged (got engaged in Las Vegas as we were looking for venues for a possible destination wedding), but we kept the same time of year. Having thought through some of the bigger wedding planning ideas is allowing us to have the shorter engagement that we wanted!
Hopefully, if he's talking about it, it's coming soon After 7 and a half years, I know I was ready!

mzm153

I'd rather discuss dates after the ring, since we never know for sure when we both will be ready. Getting engaged and married means moving in together and I'd rather move in with him when he can afford to move out of his parents' house, which is impossible with his current income. Also, weddings are not cheap, so we have to worry about that on top of moving to a more expensive place.