Worried For A Friend (Advice)

[Deleted User]

Ok ladies, I really could use some advice. My closest girlfriend lost her mom our senior year of college, so I've always really tried to be there for her since her dad and siblings live back East.

We went dress shopping (with another girlfriend) for a wedding she's going to this month and I couldn't believe how baggy her jeans were when she came over. When she went to the bathroom, BF immediately mouthed to me "she's lost weight". She has always been very skinny so i've never really worried about her weight. Since I've known her she's been a size 3.

When we got to the mall and she started trying on dresses, the 3s looks a little big. I couldn't believe it. She finally found a dress that she loved, a size 1-2. The first thing she said out of the dressing room was "I love it, but you can see my pooch". Are you kidding me? I could see her hip bones through the dress....and no one that tiny has a pooch.

I tried to talk with our other girlfriend who was there, but it was hard to have a real conversation between dresses. We both are concerned about her health and worry about her poor self image, but neither of us know how to bring this up with her...or if we even should.

I honestly don't believe she is trying to lose weight, but I know her sister had an eating disorder in the past. Given her sister's history, her own current weight loss, and the fact that she doesn't have her mom to talk with (or to confront her about this)...I feel like I really should step in and say something. Do you think I should? If so, I would love any advice on how to have this conversation.

I don't want to lose a friend by bringing this up, but i'm more worried about losing a friend because I was too scared to have this conversation...  

bourgehm

Bring it up.

I had a neigbor freshman year of college who had an eating disorder, but didn't tell anyone about it. I could hear her crying (because the walls were so thin) and saying she was so fat and such. (even though she was TINY)  Then I'd always hear her throwing up and such. So one day I brought it up. She was able to get help then, and she took a semester off to get back on her feet.

I think  you should bring it up. Just telling her you're concerned won't ruin a friendship. Or, instead of telling her you're concerned, just talk to her about it.  When she makes a comment about being too fat, ask her what she means by that. Then just start off a conversation. That's the best way to bring it up. Maybe she has no one to talk to.

PaigeMcC

My best friend was aneorexic in high school.  It was awful.  We didn't know what to do.  Do you bring it up or do you let it go? Pressure her to eat or let her do it on her own?  

I think this is something you need to talk to her about.  I know it's not an easy thing to do, the hardest thing I ever did was to tell my BFF that I thought she needed help, but it's something that needs to be done.  Sometimes just having someone to talk to is all it takes to get yourself back on the right path.

calindi

This is a reallllly tough situation, and everyone is different.  I'd say you should definitely talk to her, but be careful not to throw labels around - people who have problems really rebel against being put under a label like "anorexia" or "bulemia" or even "eating disorder".  Just let her know that you're concerned for her health, and wanted to let her know that she's beautiful the way she is but that you hope she's eating healthy with enough vitamins.  And if she's stressed or something's getting in the way of her eating what her body needs to thrive, then you're happy to help or listen in any way she needs.

Good luck!

zipis1

Having been dangerously close to being anorexic in the past, bring it up. My best friend calling me out on it helped me to start fighting before it was too late.

Just do it in  gentle, caring way, like, "Hey, you look like you've lost a lot of weight. Are you OK? I'm a bit worried." If she's like me she'll be a bit embarrassed and deny anything's up, but your concern will stick with her and hopefully make her think about things.

[Deleted User]

I know I need to talk with her - hard as that may be. I'd really love to have at least one other girlfriend there, but I'm worried my friend will feel she's being ganged-up on. Should I go it alone?

Also, I know she doesn't really cook. She is single and does not currently have roommates. I worry that no one is looking out for her (she's about 45 minutes away from me, so we don't see each other every week). I honestly believe that her not eating is more about not wanting to put the effort in or spend the money...but it's still a problem. And since her sister has had issues in the past, I don't know if I should try to talk with her first or if that would seem like i'm going behind my friend's back.

heyimbren

I think that the first time you bring it up, it should be alone. That's what I did with a friend, and I do feel that she talked more openly with me than if our other friend had been there. And just talk to her about it. Ask how she's doing, and I like Cate's suggestion on what she's eating. She may say she's eating but that doesn't mean she's eating WELL (as you already pointed out, Allusive).

KatyRoseM

Bring it up alone, but it can help to say others were concerned.  That's what my friends did for me, just one person saying that others had noticed and asked him to make sure I was ok. 

I'm sure it was hard, and he hung around and we talked about other things too, because I insisted I was ok.  Don't expect her to change right away, don't expect her to admit to what she has been doing.  But pointing it out is still helpful.  It took me another 4 months before I even started trying to change, but that conversation was still extremely important and valuable.  I'm just warning you, don't be disappointed if you can't fix things right away. 

marleylikeair

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_worried-friend-advice?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:486147f5-7b48-4327-82a9-3a765b67ef52Post:dda28b29-ef46-4fa5-bf7f-042d1a67d4ef">Re: Worried For A Friend (Advice)</a>:
[QUOTE]I know I need to talk with her - hard as that may be. I'd really love to have at least one other girlfriend there, but I'm worried my friend will feel she's being ganged-up on. Should I go it alone? Also, I know she doesn't really cook. She is single and does not currently have roommates. I worry that no one is looking out for her (she's about 45 minutes away from me, so we don't see each other every week). I honestly believe that her not eating is more about not wanting to put the effort in or spend the money...but it's still a problem. And since her sister has had issues in the past, I don't know if I should try to talk with her first or if that would seem like i'm going behind my friend's back.
Posted by allusive007[/QUOTE]

Allusive, I'm so sorry to hear about your friend and her mom. She's lucky she has you around--you are definitely doing the right thing by talking to her!

I would definitely not bring someone else. I would also not talk to her sister first, just in she hears about this and takes it the wrong way--she's probably pretty sensitive right now. I think you know why you're concerned, and you know your reasons are valid, so just talk to her.

I know when I've been in a fragile state, sometimes when a friend says that they're worried about me, I get defensive. (I know, I know, I'm just used to taking care of myself!) I get the sense that she may take what you have to say better if you're as respectful as possible. You want to help, but make sure you don't come across like a "mom" or like she's someone who needs you to mother her. A lot of times, eating disorders (if that's what this is) are about having something you can control; I'm sure it's related to her mom and I would guess she feels like she needs to be extra strong. And she is--she's coping through something really tough. So give her kudos for that in some way. Maybe tell her you admire how strong she has been through losing her mom.

That's what I think, anyway, based on what you wrote and my experiences.

GOOD LUCK! Let us know how it goes.

Beads921

I think you should speak with her directly first. And go it alone - I do think she might feel like you're ganging up on her otherwise. Gauge her reaction before you mention this to her sister (if you do at all). Don't say anything about an eating disorder off the bat. Say you've noticed she's lost weight and you're worried for her health. Ask if maybe she'd like to cook together, if you think that's an issue. 

I'd say everyone so far has given good advice, and I really wish you the best with this. I know how challenging eating disorders can be, so I really hope there is some other reason for the weight loss. 

And, for the record, I'm a 00-0, and I have a bit of a pooch, but I don't have an eating disorder and I eat well. My ribs still show, but I am insecure about my tummy. We all have insecurities, no matter what size. (Not to downplay the seriousness of the situation, it's just a comment.)

lmwilber

Allusive, this website is a great resouce! I have a friend from HS who battled an eting disorder, and she works with the Alliance. I hope this helps.

http://www.allianceforeatingdisorders.com/family-and-friends

loves2shop4shoes

I think sometimes you have to bring up tough conversations with your girlfriends...this is one of those times.  Just tell her that you've noticed that she's lost weight and have heard her make comments that might indicate that she believes she's overweight. Tell her that you love her and are concerned about her health and want to know if everything is alright.  See where it goes from there.  

Elle1036

Everyone else has given good advice, so I just wanted to offer some support.  You're a good friend for noticing and being worried.  I'm glad she has you.

[Deleted User]

Thanks ladies. You all really had some good thoughts about this, and I appreciate that you've shared them with me. I know weight is a touchy subject for a lot of people,  so I am truely thankful for everyone's openness and honesty. Hopefully I will get an opportunity to talk with my friend about this soon, just the two of us.

desertsun

I think PPs gave great advice. I just wanted to add that I think it's wonderful that you're concerned for her, and I hope she knows she's lucky to have friends that will bring up the hard stuff. I think that's what true friends do. Good luck and please let us know how it goes.

Blue & White

I would definitely bring it up and follow most of the advice given above.  However, the difference between a 3 and a 1-2 is really miniscule.  It really depends on your body type and bone structure.  I would steer clear of labels for sure, but definitely frame the conversation around more of a "I care for you" vibe than "you are way too freakin skinny" vibe.  The second doesn't usually work.