My BF is so confusing! (when to get engaged/ married/ virgins still)

aeiirl

We've been dating over a year, and we talk about getting married all the time. For awhile, he would ask me atleast once a week if we could get married really soon. I told him in one conversation that I didn't want to get married until we were dating for atleast 2 years so that we may get to know eachother well.

Anyways... we have been talking about sex, kids, houses and all these wonderful things, and then tonight he told me that he doesn't want to get married until after I am done with college... that's in atleast another 2.5+ years and I don't want to wait that long.

He keeps confusing me, I feel like one day he is ready to start our future soon and another day he is just enjoying life and another day he doesn't. But for me, I'm ready. I am so in love with him and ready to wake up to him every morning instead of waking up in my parents' home. I'm trying to be patient but it's hard.

AND, we had agreed to wait until we are married to have sex because we are both still virgins (and we are 20!) but it's getting so hard we are so attracted to eachother. But I'm not on BC and we both live with really religious parents. So it seems better to wait even though the attraction is there so strongly.

Anyone have opinions about this or similar stories? None of my friends' relationships are like this.

lkknight85

Yikes.  Really I don't think being in love and wanting to move out of your parents house and wanting to have sex are good reasons to get married.  In fact, those a terrible terrible reasons to get married.  I don't know; maybe I am biased because I am 28 and lived on my own for 10 years and have been having sex for eight years and have fallen in (and out) of love several times.  But if I married every guy I was in love with and wanted to live and have sex with I would be divorced three times now.  In my opinion, the decision to spend the rest of your life with someone; to start a family with somone... well that is a HUGE decision.  You grow up so much in your early 20s... you change so much and it seems foolish to tie yourself to one person when you're not done becoming the adult you will eventually be. 

Marriage is about creating a life with someone, a family with someone.  I think it's dangerous to do that too young, when you're not even sure what life you want.  Once you start working it's different.  But who knows where your careers will take you.  I think your boyfriend is very smart for wanting to wait. 

If your boyfriend is only 20 I am guessing he is still in school and is not started in his career or able to live on his own. How is he supposed to support you? Getting married will not magically give you money and a home of your own. I don't see how a marriage certificate will get you out of your current situation. It seems to me like the feelings you're having are not about being ready to get married as much as about being ready to grow up.

If I were you, I would get a part time waitressing job so you can afford to live out of your parents house.  If you want to have sex with your boyfriend, get on BC and have sex with your boyfriend. Don't make a huge life altering decision just because you want to do those things. Marriage is much bigger than sex and where you live.  (And being in love for less than 2 years is easy, most people fall out of love between 1.5-3 years, so you have no assurance you will feel this way about him 2 years from now)

Also, a note on how in the beginning your boyf would also talk about getting married soon... is this your first serious relationship? Most people when they are in love and in the honeymoon stage talk about marriage and baby names and what your house will be like blah blah blah. It's the love hormones talking; and thats where the cliche "making promises you don't intend to keep" comes from. When the love hormones wear off people can completely change their minds. What he's saying now, 1.5 years into the relationship, is him being more rational and these are when real decisions/intentions are discussed.

Swazzle

Ditto PP.  Wanting to move out & have sex are NOT reasons to get married. Getting married is HUGE commitment & from the sound of your post you're a little too immature to see that. Your BF is wise for saying he wants to wait until after college to get married.

LoveBug82510

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_my-bf-is-so-confusing-when-to-get-engaged-married-virgins-still?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:4eb9403f-47af-430b-a7e2-b946d4bd5bbfPost:30d54a70-0616-455a-b3e7-6b42af689f5e">Re: My BF is so confusing! (when to get engaged/ married/ virgins still)</a>:
[QUOTE]Ditto PP.  Wanting to move out & have sex are NOT reasons to get married. Getting married is HUGE commitment & from the sound of your post you're a little too immature to see that. Your BF is wise for saying he wants to wait until after college to get married.
Posted by rdr716[/QUOTE]

I couldn't agree more with RDR.

Getting married is a huge committment.  I was with someone for 7 years and was this || close to getting married to the man.  However, I had started falling out of love with him and we separated.  We lived together for 6 years and I changed a lot in those 6 years.  I started dating my now boyfriend at 29 (almost 30) years old.  I'm now 31, have an almost 11 year old son (from a fling), and have been living with my bf for 3.5 months now.  We've been together for a year and a half.  We have talked about marriage but he wants me to be financially stable (at least a year at my job) so is engagement in the near future? Maybe.

Just slow your roll.  If you're 20 you have SOOO much time to learn and change.  Having sex and being in love is NO reason to get married. If I married each of the guys I was in love with and had sex with, I would have gotten divorced 2 times by now.  I like my "single" status (I mean not married) but as I'm 31, I do want to move forward. 

Live your life, finish school and start your carreer.  If you get married NOW, you may not want to be married in 5 years.....

caitlin.cave

Love as an emotion will only take you so far.  Can you communicate about uncomfortable/serious subjects?  Do you know what his flaws are and still want to marry him?

So you want to move out of your parents' houses, and maybe even in with each other.  Do it.  You want to have sex.  Do it, if it's not against your PERSONAL beliefs (not your parents').  But coming from a couple who's been together two years and is waiting to have sex, if you want to wait, you just do.  Sometimes it really sucks.  In fact, a lot of the time it really sucks, but if that's what you want to do, you just have to do it, not put yourself in stupid positions ("I promise, I'm just gonna put the condom on, I won't actually go in..."), and be committed to it.  Wanting sex is not a reason to get married in college.

[Deleted User]

I waited to have sex with my H (then BF/FI) until we got married.  I was 25.  it's not going to kill you if you decide to wait.  I promise.    sex is great (the intimacy is great!), but it's not worth rushing and getting married at the wrong time if you decide to wait.  you'll have a lot of problems that sex just can't fix.  if you both want to wait, then commit to it and do it.  wait until it's the right time to get married, don't just get married because you can't wait for sex.  if you're mature adults who decide to wait for intimacy and sex until after marriage, then BE mature adults who have self control and self discipline.  but that's up to you.  it worked for me and I'm so thankful that I did wait.  I have no regrets at all.  none.  it was worth it.

on the other hand, don't jump into getting married just because you want to get out of your parents' house.  I lived at home until I got married.  I didn't have to; I had a full-time job and was making good money, but I chose to so that we could save up a good downpayment for a house.  we bought the house while we were engaged and he lived in it until we got married.  there were SO MANY TIMES when I would get extremely frustrated with being mid-twenties and living at home, but it was just temporary.  I'm thankful my parents let us do that, because we were able to put down a big chunk on the house when we bought it.

but that's not for everyone.  maybe it's time for you to move out.  I don't know, only YOU know that.  20 is awfully young to get married.  I dated a guy when I was younger, for 3 years.  he promised we were getting married; but one day, he called and it was over.  your late teens and early twenties are a time of HUGE GROWTH.  hopefully, you two grow together.  but maybe not.  marriage isn't a fairy-tale.  dating is really the fairy-tale.  marriage is hard.  it's forever.  sometimes he annoys you.  sometimes he keeps touching you when you're trying to sleep and OHMYGODLEAVEMEALONEIJUSTWANTTOSLEEP.  sometimes (okay, ALL the time in my house!) he leaves his dishes in the sink instead of loading them into the dishwasher and it drives you insane.  or you need some space but he's there and you can't get rid of him!  marriage is beautiful and awesome and it's been fabulous for me, but it's totally different from dating and not living together.  enjoy the fun and excitement of dating!

talking about a future with the guy you love is exciting.  but really enjoy dating.  it's such a special time in your life.  I loved dating my H.  we still try to date each other, but there's just something special about the dating period.  don't rush through it, because you'll regret it when it's over.  the right time in your life to make that kind of committment will come, and you'll know it's the right time.  if you try to rush it, you could ruin it.

get your education now.  set that goal and commit yourself to it.  my H told me that we were NOT getting married until he graduated (he was 2 years behind me, a 5-year senior).  and sometimes we wanted to just getmarriedrightthissecond, but we promised each other that we were going to be smart and do it the right way.  and I'm so glad that we did.  get a good job.  find out what your interests and hobbies are.  take up something new.  make beautiful memories with your BF, because you'll look back and appreciate them.

one last comment - don't pressure your BF.  he'll propose when he's good and ready, and not a moment sooner.  you can't control that, so just flow with it.  just love him and concentrate on making your relationship stronger than you thought ever possible, and when it's time for marriage it'll be so much easier and more fulfilling.

alyaki

I just want to say, I agree with all of the PPs on this.  I know I've changed a lot in the last 5 years - for me, the last couple years of college had a lot of changes, and I'm definately different now compared to when I was 19-20'ish.

notquiteblushing

I would move out of your parent's house now, graduate college and reevaluate in 2 years or so.  If you love each other and it's meant to be, waiting shouldn't change anything.

loves2shop4shoes

I don't mean any of this in a mean way, but you're too young and, more importantly, too immature to get married.

If he is THE ONE now, he'll be the one when you're done with college.  A year and a half really isn't a long time.  I guarantee you, you'll learn much more about your BF and whether or not you're compatible in the long term if you hold off on getting engaged.  You grow SO much in your early 20s, and you want to make sure you and your BF grow together and not apart.

Also, wanting to live together and wanting to have sex are not reasons to get married.  I'm sorry, but they're not.  Getting married is about building a  life with someone.  It involves combining every aspect of your life from family to financial.  It's not just about combining your genetalia.

Furthermore, if you're old enough to consider getting engaged, you're old enough to make decisions about your own sex life, and not simply be swayed by the views of your parents.

NurseyK

Marriage is a commitment to make a daily choice to love, grow, cherish, put up with, forgive, and be accountable. Sex does not equal marraige, it's just one of the good parts. List to them. Take their advice at face value - it's all true.

bethsmiles

Getting married so you can have sex is not a good idea. Waiting until you finish school to get married is a good idea. You should be focusing on school, moving out of your parents house, becoming financially independent/stable BEFORE focusing on getting married.

audrewuh

http://www.relevantmagazine.com/life/relationship/features/28441-how-old-should-you-be-to-marry

The PP's make very very good points. I encourage you to read the article above as well. Talk about it with your BF. And wait. College is a HUGE learning experience. Moving out on your own is as well. You learn so much about yourself and you don't want to miss out on those experiences. 

My BFF is 22 and going through a divorce. It's killing me to watch her do it. She got married at 19 and she was too immature (her words, not mine). Make sure you can support yourself, emotionally and financially, before you make a commitment like this. 

HULU

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_my-bf-is-so-confusing-when-to-get-engaged-married-virgins-still?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4eb9403f-47af-430b-a7e2-b946d4bd5bbfPost:6bff8c67-8571-4ae4-be1f-da5201a15cf1">My BF is so confusing! (when to get engaged/ married/ virgins still)</a>:
[QUOTE]We've been dating over a year, and we talk about getting married all the time. For awhile, he would ask me atleast once a week if we could get married really soon. <strong>I told him in one conversation that I didn't want to get married until we were dating for atleast 2 years</strong> so that we may get to know eachother well. Anyways... we have been talking about sex, kids, houses and all these wonderful things, and then<strong> tonight he told me that he doesn't want to get married until after I am done with college... that's in atleast another 2.5+ years and I don't want to wait that long. He keeps confusing me</strong>, I feel like one day he is ready to start our future soon and another day he is just enjoying life and another day he doesn't. But for me, I'm ready. I am so in love with him and ready to wake up to him every morning instead of waking up in my parents' home. I'm trying to be patient but it's hard. AND, we had agreed to wait until we are married to have sex because we are both still virgins (and we are 20!) but it's getting so hard we are so attracted to eachother. But I'm not on BC and we both live with really religious parents. So it seems better to wait even though the attraction is there so strongly. Anyone have opinions about this or similar stories? None of my friends' relationships are like this.
Posted by aeiirl[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>You TOLD your BF you wanted to wait at <em>least </em>two years before you got married. He tells you he essentially agrees (last I checked, 2.5+ years qualifies as <em>at least 2 years) </em>and now you can't wait that long? You're probably confusing him as much as he's confusing you.

</div>

caitlin.cave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_my-bf-is-so-confusing-when-to-get-engaged-married-virgins-still?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4eb9403f-47af-430b-a7e2-b946d4bd5bbfPost:e00ba4be-d1ce-42b8-9af7-d84d82693eff">Re: My BF is so confusing! (when to get engaged/ married/ virgins still)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My BF is so confusing! (when to get engaged/ married/ virgins still) : You TOLD your BF you wanted to wait at least two years before you got married. He tells you he essentially agrees (last I checked, 2.5+ years qualifies as at least 2 years) and now you can't wait that long? You're probably confusing him as much as he's confusing you.
Posted by HULU[/QUOTE]

Hah. That's such a good point.  Honestly, regardless of whether or not we all think you should wait, get married, have sex, not have sex, the only people who can make this decision are the two of you, and for that to happen, you really need to tell HIM that you're confused, not us.  (I do still advise you to wait to get married until you're out of college, have paid bills, etc.)

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_my-bf-is-so-confusing-when-to-get-engaged-married-virgins-still?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4eb9403f-47af-430b-a7e2-b946d4bd5bbfPost:e00ba4be-d1ce-42b8-9af7-d84d82693eff">Re: My BF is so confusing! (when to get engaged/ married/ virgins still)</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to My BF is so confusing! (when to get engaged/ married/ virgins still) : You TOLD your BF you wanted to wait at least two years before you got married. He tells you he essentially agrees (last I checked, 2.5+ years qualifies as at least 2 years)<strong> </strong>and now you can't wait that long? You're probably confusing him as much as he's confusing you.
Posted by HULU[/QUOTE]

No. She said she wants to wait until they've been dating for 2 years to get married. They have been dating for one year so she wants to wait one more year. He wants to wait two and a half years for her to finish school.

ravenray

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_my-bf-is-so-confusing-when-to-get-engaged-married-virgins-still?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:4eb9403f-47af-430b-a7e2-b946d4bd5bbfPost:0b343cba-cdb9-4b29-b02c-9912407e48b0">Re: My BF is so confusing! (when to get engaged/ married/ virgins still)</a>:
[QUOTE]I waited to have sex with my H (then BF/FI) until we got married.  I was 25.  it's not going to kill you if you decide to wait.  I promise.  :)  sex is great (the intimacy is great!), but it's not worth rushing and getting married at the wrong time if you decide to wait.  you'll have a lot of problems that sex just can't fix.  if you both want to wait, then commit to it and do it.  wait until it's the right time to get married, don't just get married because you can't wait for sex.  if you're mature adults who decide to wait for intimacy and sex until after marriage, then BE mature adults who have self control and self discipline.  but that's up to you.  it worked for me and I'm so thankful that I did wait.  I have no regrets at all.  none.  it was worth it. on the other hand, don't jump into getting married just because you want to get out of your parents' house.  I lived at home until I got married.  I didn't have to; I had a full-time job and was making good money, but I chose to so that we could save up a good downpayment for a house.  we bought the house while we were engaged and he lived in it until we got married.  there were SO MANY TIMES when I would get extremely frustrated with being mid-twenties and living at home, but it was just temporary.  I'm thankful my parents let us do that, because we were able to put down a big chunk on the house when we bought it. but that's not for everyone.  maybe it's time for you to move out.  I don't know, only YOU know that.  20 is awfully young to get married.  I dated a guy when I was younger, for 3 years.  he promised we were getting married; but one day, he called and it was over.  your late teens and early twenties are a time of HUGE GROWTH.  hopefully, you two grow together.  but maybe not.  marriage isn't a fairy-tale.  dating is really the fairy-tale. <strong> marriage is hard.  it's forever.  sometimes he annoys you.  sometimes he keeps touching you when you're trying to sleep and OHMYGODLEAVEMEALONEIJUSTWANTTOSLEEP.  sometimes (okay, ALL the time in my house!) he leaves his dishes in the sink instead of loading them into the dishwasher and it drives you insane.  or you need some space but he's there and you can't get rid of him!  marriage is beautiful and awesome and it's been fabulous for me, but it's totally different from dating and not living together.  enjoy the fun and excitement of dating! talking about a future with the guy you love is exciting.  but really enjoy dating.  it's such a special time in your life. </strong> I loved dating my H.  we still try to date each other, but there's just something special about the dating period.  don't rush through it, because you'll regret it when it's over.  the right time in your life to make that kind of committment will come, and you'll know it's the right time.  if you try to rush it, you could ruin it. get your education now.  set that goal and commit yourself to it.  my H told me that we were NOT getting married until he graduated (he was 2 years behind me, a 5-year senior).  and sometimes we wanted to just getmarriedrightthissecond, but we promised each other that we were going to be smart and do it the right way.  and I'm so glad that we did.  get a good job.  find out what your interests and hobbies are.  take up something new.  make beautiful memories with your BF, because you'll look back and appreciate them. one last comment - don't pressure your BF.  he'll propose when he's good and ready, and not a moment sooner.  you can't control that, so just flow with it.  just love him and concentrate on making your relationship stronger than you thought ever possible, and when it's time for marriage it'll be so much easier and more fulfilling.
Posted by CocoBellaF[/QUOTE]
Coco this part made me laugh so hard.

OP really what the others have to say is good advice.  Getting married so you can have sex is a bad idea.  It's just not worth it, sex can't fix problems in your relationship.  You have also only been dating a year, just wait.  You can do it.  I have been waiting for three years, you can wait another two. 

aeiirl

Let me just say FIRST, thank you to everyone who has posted.

Over the last few days since my Ranty Post on here, My BF and I have talked about so much. And for those who said "sorry if this is mean.." I wanted truthful opinions no matter how mean, I'm not going to go cry I'm tough 

And I have read so much.

1) I love him but I need to get school done, and the way my University is set up for Business Majors once I get all my Genera Ed Classes Done I am going to get a full time job (hopefull) and SAVE SAVE SAVE a lot of money. Which living at home will be fine.

2) I think my parents' home dynamics are going to change somemore when my little brother graduates in a few months and I think my parents are going to loosen up on the rules. (And my curfew (Midnight) did i mention that before?)

3) Even if we get married before I finish school it's not a good idea to buy a house until we have enough money for a nice down payment. 

4) If and when we do get married I don't think we should have kids until we are about 5 years into our marriage, that way we can have plenty of time to grow in our relationship and get to know eachother.

5) Seeing as how we are both very Big Christians, we have been holding off on having sex because we want to. And if we decide to have sex before marriage, it won't be until after awhile of me being on BC. Which I am not in any hurry to have sex because I think it could change our relationship and the way we think or communicate. So we will most likely wait until marriage. (Although I do have two condoms that he doesnt know about and that I am going to pretend I do not have- just incase we can not resist at all. I don't want anyy babies yet. They are too huge of a financial responsibility even though I would love them with my whole heart.)

6) Whenever we do get married, we are going to go to marriage counciling(is that what its called i cant remember right now)... some churches do this with a specific ministering counciler or a group of other couples-- 

7) No Aloping!

8) Back to the house thing-  I have to finish school and find a career before we can really buy a house because he wants to start his own business (thats a whole story of its own) but I don't want to commute to work too far.

9) Seeing as we are still young, We should just try to enjoy ourselves and all the upcoming fun we will have during the summer! (Caravan with the family 317 miles to a lake for camping! Going to be fun!)

10) And we don't think that it would be that bad of an idea to be engaged for 1-2 years when we do get engaged so that we have plenty of time to get a wedding all planned out and paid for.

And as for my boyfriend... He is not worried about any of the stuff I do. But I know thats because we think differently on some things. And I'm not worried about that.