Where do I even start? (What is commitment?)

Hazel_B

A person that i know was left by her fiance a couple of years ago. As a result, she has a rather different perspective about relationships. She has been doing the online dating thing and seems to have found a guy that interests her. They've had 3 dates since Thursday, which I think is excessive, but what do I know.

Anyway, she informed me that she is going to "keep her options open" until he proposes. Upon clarification she means that she will continue to date other guys until one proposes to her. She uses the argument that this is the way things used to be done in the 50s and that people sleeping together has complicated the issue, implying that it is some sort of artificial commitment.

I tried explaining to her that, while I understand her hestitation, she needs to be aware of how the guys would feel. Using my FI as an example, I said that I don't think he would propose to someone that he didn't feel was as commited to him as he was to her.

I just want to tell her she is being crazy and that clearly a proposal doesn't always mean commitment based on her last serious relationship. I'm trying to be nice because she has a bit of a temper that I don't want to deal with.

Do you know anyone that has ever used this sort of thought process?

Am I doing the right thing by trying to make her think of how the other party would feel?

What would you say to this person?

loves2shop4shoes

Dude...that's BSC.

This is not 1412.  She does not come with a goat.  Women can commit in ways that don't involve an engagement.  What man in his right mind would propose to a girl who was actively seeing other men?

Just because some people may have done it that way in the '50s doesn't mean that's the proper course of action right now.  I mean, if people today only behaved according to the examples set by earlier generations because it "worked for them", women wouldn't vote, industrialization wouldn't have happened, and everyone would have a million kids because there would be no contraception.

The point is, this line of reasoning defies common logic.  It sounds like your friend was very badly wounded and this is her (completely illogical and insane) way of self protecting.

She needs to get to a therapist...STAT.

lennonkdc

ditto what Shoes said. 

I would just drop the issue with her. Smile nod and bean dip her when/ if she complains about men disliking her 'rules', then smile and be happy for her when she meets a guy who changes her mind

Hazel_B

I couldn't agree more Shoes, she's a co-worker so I don't feel I can be her harsh reality check. it's so hard to talk about our weekends and other frivolous stuff when she comes out with stuff like this.

NurseyK

Tell her that a relationship without commitment does not make an aura for a proposal. In fact... any guy who dates her and finds this out will probably run for the hills.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_even-start-commitment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:513975c3-8133-44f5-a17b-33f0e04b3c4bPost:a9a677da-4c45-4ac1-a348-21a257e0915a">Where do I even start? (What is commitment?)</a>:
[QUOTE]A person that i know was left by her fiance a couple of years ago. As a result, she has a rather different perspective about relationships. She has been doing the online dating thing and seems to have found a guy that interests her. They've had 3 dates since Thursday, which I think is excessive, but what do I know. Anyway, she informed me that she is going to "keep her options open" until he proposes. Upon clarification she means that she will continue to date other guys until one proposes to her. <strong>She uses the argument that this is the way things used to be done in the 50s and that people sleeping together has complicated the issue, implying that it is some sort of artificial commitment.</strong> I tried explaining to her that, while I understand her hestitation, she needs to be aware of how the guys would feel. Using my FI as an example, I said that I don't think he would propose to someone that he didn't feel was as commited to him as he was to her. I just want to tell her she is being crazy and that clearly a proposal doesn't always mean commitment based on her last serious relationship. I'm trying to be nice because she has a bit of a temper that I don't want to deal with. Do you know anyone that has ever used this sort of thought process? Am I doing the right thing by trying to make her think of how the other party would feel? What would you say to this person?
Posted by Hazel_B[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>She has a little bit of a point, but I think the change is more due to a shift in the popular view of marriage and relationships in modern society.  60 years ago, people also used to get married right out of high school, and that's not very common anymore.  Today's "serious relationship" is yesterday's "engagement" since we're not getting married as early.</div><div>
</div><div>I don't know what you should say to her, if anything.  I would probably just tell her that I hoped she was at least honest about all this with the guy she's seeing.

</div>

Blue & White

I guess she'll have to try things "her way" and then find out that it doesn't work.  And when all these other people in committed relationships around her get engaged, maybe she'll try that.

But it sounds like she might become the crazy stalker type in that situation.

It's a really tough situation to be in with a coworker.  I guess I would try not to CONDONE the behavior (i.e. don't set her up with other people when you know she's involved with someone else) but you might have to be there when it all falls apart (if you're decent friends in addition to being coworkers)

GoldenPenguin

Wait. Let me get this straight. She's going to date multiple people until one of them proposes marriage?! Not, proposes that they be in an exclusive relationship, but proposes that he wants to spend his life with a woman who has been dating multiple people for as long as he's known her.

That just doesn't. make. sense.

NurseyK

What is going to happen when she meets a guy that she wants to marry? Is she going to continue to date other guys until any of them propose? Or wait for the one that SHE wants to marry is ready for that? She gets a say in this too... and she doesnt have to marry the first man that proposes to her.

tafft1

Well it's a tricky situation for sure. On one hand as a friend I would want to speak up , on the other hand however this can be one of those step back and let them make their own mistakes things. Granted there is nothing wrong with casually dating , however from my understanding she dosen't plan to be upfront with her intentions , which is where the issue lies. There is no right way to date or find that person , however in any relationship I do believe that honesty is key no matter what and like PP stated I highly doubt that anyone that catches her lies or intentions would want to take that serious of a step. We've all been through hurt and painful situations before that much is true - unfortunately it seems as she is taking it to an extreme and just because she is okay with it dosen't mean they will be.

GoldenPenguin

Oh, yea, NurseyK made a totally valid point. So she's just going to say yes to the first guy to propose?? Looney Tunes.

Hazel_B

I asked her how the exclusive conversation would go if he brought it up, she said she'd be honest with him about keeping her options open.

Even if she told him why, I think most guys would have stopped listening and taken it as she's not interested enough in him.

ravenray

I think as a coworker you can't really say anything to her.  I think she is nuts and needs therapy but unless you are close there really isn't much you can do  

jemmini6

At this point, I don't think there's much you can say to her to make her change her mind.  I think eventually she'll learn that this method is not effective for finding a life partner, and she'll change her ways.  I can't see this behavior being sustainable for someone who legitimately wants to eventually get married.  I mean, if she was George Clooney, I'd tell her to go for it, but if she really wants to settle down evenutally, she'll come to her senses.

caitlin.cave

That's nutty.  Like chunky peanut butter nutty.

The thing that gets me about this situation is that she was left by her fiance.  So... like... the proposal in that case CLEARLY didn't mean he was staying.

kellyt89

I think this girl should sign up for the Bachelorette. That's essentially what they do - date multiple people until one of them proposes. Color me surprised that most of them haven't stayed together..

I think she's still dealing with her previous broken engagement and doing a strange rebound thing. She's probably pretty psychologically messed up and jaded. You've said your piece, that you think this is a bad idea. Hopefully that will stick in her brain and she'll eventually get it. I think you should listen to her if she talks about a date or something and just change the subject if she tries to really get into it.

Also, the goat thing made me LOL.

dwest2201

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_even-start-commitment?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:513975c3-8133-44f5-a17b-33f0e04b3c4bPost:e4f79db8-5458-47b2-9967-a50f959bd4b6">Re: Where do I even start? (What is commitment?)</a>:
[QUOTE]Wait. Let me get this straight. <strong>She's going to date multiple people until one of them proposes marriage?! Not, proposes that they be in an exclusive relationship, but proposes that he wants to spend his life with a woman who has been dating multiple people for as long as he's known her. That just doesn't. make. sense.
</strong>Posted by BriSox81[/QUOTE]

My thoughts exactly.  I re-read the OP and was like WOW, this chick has lost it!  In a way I can understand her fears, my BF (who I was engaged to and lived with freaked and broke it off and basically told me to get out, even though he loved me, it just wasn't working).  It took a long time for me to trust him and even just recently when he said he couldn't take the stress (of us being upset with each other) my stomach dropped, he reassured me that he is never leaving me because the time we weren't together was the hardest in his life and he never wants to be without me, but my fear was still there initially, which is something that we have been working to overcome and will have to continue until it is squashed completely.     

I feel like this chick just wants to be engaged already and is thinking that this is going to speed up the process.  However, I can only see this backfiring and having guys think she's not commited to the relationship and either playing the field themselves as well or moving onto to someone who is willing to be exclusive with them.