Need to be married for a visa, but a terrible time for a wedding

lkknight85

So my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I live in Austria right now.  We are both 28.  He is Austrian, I am a US citizen.  I am here in Austria for graduate school, and was able to stay on a student visa.  I now qualify for a work/residence permit in Austria, but only for Austria (does not transfer to other EU countries).

 

Here is the problem:  He just got this fantastic promotion, its really an unbelievable opportunity and he definitely wants to take it.  But the job is in Germany.  There's really no options for me to stay and work in Germany unless we get married.  The move would have to happen soon.

 

We've talked about getting married before, we know we want to be married eventually, but we were going to wait until we were older. (married before 30 is strange here).  Also- this is a HORRENDOUS time in his family right now.  His parents just got divorced and his mom (an alcoholic) has just relapsed and its just a bad time for any major event. His mom is in the hospital every other day, she is always drunk, its heartbreaking.  Plus, my family and family friends are in the US and cannot book a last minute trip to a wedding.  My parents would be devestated if they or my Aunt and cousin missed my wedding.

 

What choice do we have but to have a small civil ceremony now and just not call it a wedding?  I've never been into parties for myself and actually never really thought what I would want my wedding to be like, but I know I want one eventually. 

 

What should we do?  I just do want my engagement and marriage to be an important happy event and if its rushed or right now it just couldn't be.

Blue & White

I don't know anything about visas (that should be stated up front) but since you do seem like you would want the engagement and marriage to be an important happy time in your life (and not over the span of like 5 days...), would it be possible for you to stay in Austria (I assume you have to finish up your degree?) and be long distance for awhile?

That should allow things with his family to cool down and your family enough time to come up with the funds to visit/go to your wedding.

I have no idea if that's feasible crossing the country lines and whatnot, but...give me more info

I also think it's AWESOME that it's weird to be married before 30 in Austria and I should probably move there

IrishDreamer

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-married-visa-but-terrible-time-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5285afac-7f9b-4aa1-ae0e-e25dfa1c4d12Post:2c04654c-16ec-4b0e-8d61-f5f2fa490365">Re: Need to be married for a visa, but a terrible time for a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]I don't know anything about visas (that should be stated up front) but since you do seem like you would want the engagement and marriage to be an important happy time in your life (and not over the span of like 5 days...), would it be possible for you to stay in Austria (I assume you have to finish up your degree?) and be long distance for awhile? That should allow things with his family to cool down and your family enough time to come up with the funds to visit/go to your wedding. I have no idea if that's feasible crossing the country lines and whatnot, but...give me more info :) <strong>I also think it's AWESOME that it's weird to be married before 30 in Austria and I should probably move there :)
</strong>Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

Can I go with you?? LOL

polkadot111

It is silly to rush into marriage. I think long distance would be a good plan for a while until you both feel more ready for marriage.

peekaboo2011

If you aren't ready to get married, don't get married.  It's that simple.

Long distance sucks but it's really not so bad.

csousa1

I agree with most of the PPs. I know nothing about visas, but I think long distance would be worth considering, just for a while.

What does your BF think about it all? Does he want to get married now and move together, or is he on the fence like you?

sparkles88

I think long distance is your best option for now. How far away is your university from his new job? One of the best things about Europe (which I'm sure you already know!) is that the rail system is amazing! It's very easy to decide to take a weekend trip if you find that you have extra time in your schedule. I don't think doing a long distance relationship between Austria and Germany would be a horrible, unmanageable thing. You won't even have a time difference to deal with!

GoldenPenguin

[QUOTE I also think it's AWESOME that it's weird to be married before 30 in Austria and I should probably move there
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

100% in agreement here.

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_need-married-visa-but-terrible-time-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5285afac-7f9b-4aa1-ae0e-e25dfa1c4d12Post:784ad432-bf0f-4a99-9139-5504b729789a">Need to be married for a visa, but a terrible time for a wedding</a>:
[QUOTE]So my boyfriend of 2 1/2 years and I live in Austria right now.  We are both 28.  He is Austrian, I am a US citizen.  I am here in Austria for graduate school, and was able to stay on a student visa.  I now qualify for a work/residence permit in Austria, but only for Austria (does not transfer to other EU countries).   Here is the problem:  He just got this fantastic promotion, its really an unbelievable opportunity and he definitely wants to take it.  But the job is in Germany.  There's really no options for me to stay and work in Germany unless we get married.  The move would have to happen soon.   We've talked about getting married before, we know we want to be married eventually, but we were going to wait until we were older. (married before 30 is strange here).  Also- this is a HORRENDOUS time in his family right now.  His parents just got divorced and his mom (an alcoholic) has just relapsed and its just a bad time for any major event. His mom is in the hospital every other day, she is always drunk, its heartbreaking.  Plus, my family and family friends are in the US and cannot book a last minute trip to a wedding.  My parents would be devestated if they or my Aunt and cousin missed my wedding.   What choice do we have but to have a <strong>small civil ceremony now and just not call it a wedding?</strong>  I've never been into parties for myself and actually never really thought what I would want my wedding to be like,<strong> but I know I want one eventually</strong>.    What should we do?  I just do want my engagement and marriage to be an important happy event and if its rushed or right now it just couldn't be.
Posted by lkknight85[/QUOTE]

Don't get married right now if it's importatnt to you to have your family and friends at your wedding and not have it rushed.  Pleaes do NOT have a "small civil ceremony" and not call it a wedding.  THAT WILL BE YOUR WEDDING.  If you want a traditional wedding at some point, you're going to need to wait.

What I'm trying to say is that if you get married now, you don't get a "do over" wedding.  That will be your wedding and you <u>will</u> be married.

Depending on where he is in Germany and where you are in Austria, long distance might not be that bad.  Those countries border each other and I don't remember it being a big deal to cross from one into the other.

AudgiePodge

A civil ceremony IS a wedding.

jemmini6

You should get married because you want to spend the rest of your life with someone, not because he got a job in Germany.  It sounds like you've been discussing the possibility of it, but that neither of you are quite ready to take that step yet, so it would probably ruin your relationship if you rushed into a marriage just so you could follow him to a different country.  I would suggest trying a LDR for a few months and have many talks about whether you really want to make this lifelong commitment to each other, and then you can proceed in planning the wedding you want and do it only once.

Elle1036

I actually do know some things (a lot, actually) about visas and I understand your dilemma, but I still think it's best not to rush the wedding.

Have you finished all of your education?  If not, you could qualify for a student visa to Germany, right?  Even if you just end up taking basic classes to maintain status, though I know that's not ideal.

ravenray

Can't you apply for a Visa in Germany?  You also know you can spend 90 days there without a visa right?  Long distant isn't that bad.  Hell I did long distance while I was in Germany and he was in the USA.  You can do it, it is hard but doable.   Do not get married right now unless you want your civil ceremony to be your wedding.  You do not get a do-over unless you get divorce.

ElleB87

Getting married so you can move with him is really not a good idea.  Unless you both have previously discussed getting married and decided mutally that you want to at some point in the future stick to a long distance relationship or figure out if you could get a visa for Germany.  A friend of FI's is in the military and became legally married so the army would move his S/O...that was a terrible idea. They are now going through an insanely messy divorce.

Also - a civil ceremony is still a wedding.  I take personal offense to you trying to call it otherwise because FI and I are having a civil ceremony and it is no less valid than any other form of marriage ceremony and we will be no less married afterwards then any other couple. 

The day you have a marriage license notarized is the day you get married and is considered your wedding day.  If you want to have a civil ceremony and a few years down the road (when everything has calmed down with his family) have a VOW RENEWAL, then great, just make sure you are honest with your guests that you are already married and don't expect the usual wedding hooplah.

TigerlilySabre

I agree that the visa situation between the US and the EU really sucks right now. I also understand how hard it can be to move between the various member states as a non-EU citizen. Congrats on getting a work visa for Austria. Something to consider is the kind of work that you want to undertake. Would you be able to start out in Austria and get some experience before going to Germany? I do realize that this could be tricky.

I also agree that where he's going in Germany makes a difference too. Obviously somewhere like Munich wouldn't be so bad, but Berlin or Frankfurt would involve lots of weekends on a bus or low cost carrier. Do you have a car?

I'm not going to say anything about whether you should marry or not because that's too personal a decision for me to advise on especially without knowing you. I have lots of friends who have had various ways of addressing this kind of problem and every scenario has turned out differently. I will just agree with everyone else that if you have any doubts in your heart, then stay in Austria and wait it out. It's a cliche, I know, but things will work out the way that they are meant to. Only you and your partner know what you really want to do.

Good luck!

lkknight85

Thanks guys, I will let you know what we end up doing!  Long distance is definitely a possability, we did it before I came to Austria when I lived in the States so I know we could do it again.  Unfortunately his job is in Cologne and we are in Vienna now so its about a 8 hour train ride and we'd probably fly.

Another possability is a small church wedding with just the two of us, maybe my BFF (she is also living abroad) and his siblings, and then a party in the US to celebrate this summer and another in Austria.  We would have a really hard time having one big normal wedding anyway given all my family/friends are from the US and his Austria.  The two reception thing was probably going to happen no matter what.  Thinking about this now though I realize I don't want to just look out our license signing/wedding as more immigration paperwork- if we get married I would want to do in a church (i'm religious).

I'll keep you guys updated!