I'm not crazy right?(Vent..sorry it's long)

ndelgaizo

Background stuff:  So this is my last year at college and I'll be graduating in May. This year's been very hectic since I started working full time over the summer and now I'm fitting all my classes in at night or online.

So I've been working my butt off on this project for the past couple of weeks that's due today. My BF has been having these little tantrums about my work and how I don't want to do anything with him. I kinda get it. I'm really swamped at work since we just released a new product for the market and school projects take alot of time, but I really don't think it's ok for him to blame me. ( ok so I could put in more effort at giving more "us" time)
Last night this all just blew up into a fight, and he basically thinks I need to put in more time for him and finish my work at another time. I left last night because I was so angry. I'm usually the rational one when we argue but this time I was so pissed I needed my bubble space. So I'm sitting here at work, will be handing in my project when I get to class, and going home around 8.
I want to talk and figure out why he's so angry at the situation but I'm not really sure where to start, and how to not sound like I'm looking for pity. I know I'm strapped for time and my attention has been goin alot into my work and schoolwork. Alot of you ladies seem to have great advice, and I was wondering if any of you have some suggestions?

AudgiePodge

I didn't read yet, but if you have to ask people if you're crazy, you probably are.

Blue & White

If my boyfriend asked me to put my life on hold for him, I'd say "peace out".  That being said, he ALWAYS made me do my schoolwork/real work before "us" time.  And vice versa.  Honestly, there were some times he'd call and I'd force him to do his chem homework on the phone.  We have a special relationship.

I think you need to sit your boyfriend down and have a chat with him.  From the demands he's making on your time, it seems like he may not understand the demands that your work and school lives are putting on you.  If he wants a future with you, he would probably prefer that you were happy in your personal AND professional life.  For that to happen, he's going to have to make some sacrifices in the "us time" field for a few more months.

As for a potential compromise, I might suggest having some "planned" us time so that neither of you can back out - but I wouldn't make it so frequent that it causes you undue stress in your school and work life.

In good news, you graduate in May.  That's only a few more months of chaos.  Good luck with your classes!

bethsmiles

You need to talk with him and work this out. You need to be willing to hear him out and actually LISTEN to what he is saying not just think about what you are going to say next to defend yourself. Then when he has said everything that he feels he needs to say you respond to it and the both of you work together to figure out a solution that will work for the both of you.

Relationships are work. They are hard work. Which means when you have school and a full time job it can be rough to not put your relationship on the back burner for a bit which is probably what you've been doing and I can totally understand that because there are only so many hours in the day. But you have to work at your relationship, you have to make time for it and if it really means something to you you can't just let it slip through the cracks because you are busy.

Your BF needs to realize how busy you are though. Is he is school? Does he have a job? Are both of you busy or is it just him? Because I know that when my BF had a job and I didn't we had to work through an issue similar to yours. He felt like we were spending as much as possible together because he was busy all the time so when he could squeeze me in was good enough. But I didn't have as much going on so I felt ignored and like we weren't spending any time together. But we talked about it (no yelling/fighting) and worked through it and thats what you and your BF have to do now.

In your post you seem to recognize that there are two sides to the issue but you do in a way that makes it seem as though you are just brushing it off. You can't brush off how he feels about the situation. You have to address it.

AudgiePodge

Is this common? I mean, are you so busy that cutting into 'boyfriend time' is normal? If not, I think that he is just getting fed up, or left out, or what have you if it is a hectic time for you. Once it goes back to the way it was, (if it wasn't like this before) I think that he will calm down. If you being busy is normal, he's going to have to figure out if it something that he wants to deal with in the relationship. 

You should try to set aside some together time for the both of you.

desertsun

You said yourself that you could work harder to find "us" time.

So, I'm not sure why you would think he WOULDN'T blame you for not doing that.

It has been YOUR choice how you've been spending your time.

Your partner should always come first. that doesn't mean he gets to dictate to you. It just means that you need to consider his needs as much as your own, and WORK to find the right balance.

You need to talk to him and come up with specific ideas of what you can do differently.

Do you need to have one night a week where you don't do work? Or do you need to put more effort into talking about your days together? Should you have more sex?

And also feel free to let him know that hurling accusations isn't the most constructive way to deal with it when he's hurting. It's better if he can just tell you how he feels, and then you can work together to resolve it. Same goes for you.

skyler1108

You're boyfriend seems like he has a lot of growing up to do. He needs to put his big boy pants on and stop throwing hissy fits.

When my FI (then BF)first moved in with me he moved to OH from FL. He did not know a single person. I had school on Tues and Thrus and would leave at 9 am and would be home at 8 pm. I worked one job Mon. Wed. and Sat. and worked another job on Fri and Sun. that I did not get home from until 1:30 am. Even with him living in a new state where he did not know anyone and with me gone pretty much all the time he never got upset.

I needed to work so I could support us while he worked on finding a job and I needed to finish school ( it was my last semester before graduation). During this super busy time for me FI was really supportive of me doing what I needed to do. Now when I was not busy with work or school I spent that time with him no matter how little it was.
 
Are you not spending that time with your BF? If not that can be where your problem is coming from. If you are then your BF needs to chill and be supportive.

ndelgaizo

Thanks ladies.

Blue and White: I agree that we should make something like a date night or some type of equivilant for now. Maybe it will allow us to know that we will definetly have some time together every week,
AugiePodge: No this isn't normal for me. usually my work isn't as demanding but when we put new products out I have to work longer hours and with my last semester at school I've been streched kinda thin between my classes
smiles: I'm not trying to brush off his feelings, and I certianly don't mean to ignore him or anything. I think sitting and talking is what's going to help us. Maybe something else is going on that I don't know about, but I'll really try to let him tell me everything and anything that's bothering him. Maybe I didn't notice something? (but I can't think of anything atm) He does work but he's not in classes right now. We ask each other about our days but I haven't heard anything that's been new or stressful from his work.

Thank you for the advice ladies.. I'm just going to take deep breaths and try to let him talk and get everything off his chest.

noelle24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_im-not-crazy-rightventsorry-its-long?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:52c66304-a099-4238-a829-2ee66d759e35Post:5c16f378-f2b2-4e37-9413-4ae3272d7b19">Re: I'm not crazy right?(Vent..sorry it's long)</a>:
[QUOTE]You said yourself that you could work harder to find "us" time. So, I'm not sure why you would think he WOULDN'T blame you for not doing that. It has been YOUR choice how you've been spending your time.<strong>Your partner should always come first. that doesn't mean he gets to dictate to you. It just means that you need to consider his needs as much as your own, and WORK to find the right balance.</strong> You need to talk to him and come up with specific ideas of what you can do differently. Do you need to have one night a week where you don't do work? Or do you need to put more effort into talking about your days together? Should you have more sex? And also feel free to let him know that hurling accusations isn't the most constructive way to deal with it when he's hurting. It's better if he can just tell you how he feels, and then you can work together to resolve it. Same goes for you.
Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]

I think this is the first time I've disagreed with anything desert has said.... but honestly, I feel that in college, your degree comes first.  No matter what you decide to do in life later (stay-at-home mom or astronaut), I think *everyone* needs a decent education.  And that should absolutely come first at OP's age, and her BF needs to understand that. They aren't married yet, or even engaged.  This is the time in her life to focus on her education.

Now, that doesn't mean OP shouldn't work harder at finding a good life balance.  That'll be good for her sanity as well as her relationship.  I guarantee there's so more "us" time that she can work in.  My H and I dated to through college, and we both recognized that work came first.  Always.  We worked our "us" time around that.

leia1979

I'm going to absolutely agree with Noelle on this one. Maybe explain to your BF that there are certain times of the year (i.e. product launches) when you are going to have very little time and possibly be pretty stressed out. During those times you'd really appreciate his support and will make it up to him when things calm down.

When FI and I were still pretty new, I was also in the middle of the worlds most disorganized product launch. I was working at his kitchen table, hoping I could get stuff done and spend some time with him. Instead, I ended up working until about 1am, but FI was very supportive (he even made me dinner). When he's going to be really busy, he tries to give me a heads up so I know what to expect. Then when things calm down again, we get some quality together time.

loves2shop4shoes

Oh boy.  I can sort of relate.  I'm in law school and it has put a huge strain on my relationship.  FI has made comments that he feels like I "ignore him" sometimes, when in reality, I'm just very busy...and when I'm not busy, I'm completely zoned out.  The thing is, FI knows this is what he signed on for.  He is very understanding and supportive about me getting my work done.  Frankly, if I had a shitton of work to do, and he WASN'T supportive, there would be a huge issue.  That's not to say that I don't understand when he gets frustrated; I do!  But if he were to tell me when to do my work and how much time I SHOULD be spending with him, there would be a big problem.

I don't feel like your BF's knowledge that he is a priority in your life gives him an excuse to dictate to your schedule to you.  He needs to be supportive of your work and put himself in your situation.  

desertsun

I do think that's a good point, Noelle.

Basically, I just think that if someone is the right partner for you, you as a couple always find a way to make it work regardless of what else is going on in your lives. Because you make it top priority.

You don't both have to LIKE it. You just both have to be willing to put up with whatever sacrifices you have to make and still find ways to make what interactions you can have as meaningful as possible.

It boils down to that life/work balance you mentioned, and finding a balance that works not only for you but for your partner, too. I feel like if it's the right person, you find a way to make it work. Just like you and your H did.

Does it make more sense now?

PS, Can I just say how happy it makes me to see a post from you?

ndelgaizo

I really appreciate all the advice you ladies gave me. Over the weekend we talked, and I listened to why he wasn't happy. I took a really good look at my schedule and he did the same, and I think we'll be trying a "us" night. Something that we'll be able to look forward to so when I have weeks that are just ridiculously crazy busy there will definitely be that time for us. I also tried to explain about my school work as much as possible. I think it's hard for him to see some of the work I do for online classes because I don't have any hard-copies of things (like papers)
We kinda vented to each other about what's been going on in our lives outside of our relaitonship, and I did realize that I need to make a bigger effort in letting him know when I appreciate things he does. Like when he does dishes, not just putting them into the dishwasher but also putting them away when they're done (one of my least favorite chores) I notice it but making a bigger effort at saying it would be better. So we'll be having our first date night this week (trying for thurs nights) and I'm actually a little excited, and a little nervous too. Maybe I'll make something special..?

jeanacorina

DH and I go through this kind of thing every semester, especially since I'm in school full-time now. I am a straight-A student, and I like it that way. But it takes an incredible amount of time and stress to maintain the grades I want. We had an argument once where he said "You don't have to make a 4.0 to graduate, and it's not even that important for getting a job!" He's absolutely right- I could skate through with a couple of B's and be just fine. But I don't want to. I want to prove to myself that I CAN do this. Why not do my very best and see how far that can take me?

I explained my feelings to him, and told him that I understand we don't spend as much time together as we should. He feels like I put him on the back burner for everything else: school, work, volunteering, even friends sometimes (although I'm lucky to see friends once a semester). He even comes to volunteer with me because he knows at least then he'll get some time with me.

However, after talking through how we both felt, I asked him if he could put up with this for another year and a half until I graduate. I will try my best to set aside some time for him... maybe one date night a week (even if I have an exam, a little R&R could only do me good!). But I said "even if things don't change, can you still support me through this?" He said he could, and he wanted me to succeed and fulfill my goals. So, we have an agreement: I make more of an effort to give him some undivided attention (because that's what it comes down to- my attention is always divided!), and he agrees to support and encourage me, even if it's not always possible to give him that attention as much as he'd like.

Just take a few deep breaths and calm down. Go talk to your dude with an open mind. He's only upset because he loves you and wants to be with you. Maybe he's not expressing that in the best way, but that's what it comes down to. It's difficult to get through the last couple of years of college, whether you're the one graduating or your SO is (I went through this with DH a couple years ago, and explained that I felt the same way but kept my mouth shut because I knew his education was important for both of us). Listen to him, and then tell him how you feel... but try not to be too harsh. You guys can get through this. You just have to be realistic and patient.