Not Engaged Yet

i don't want to pressure him...

My boyfriend and I have been together for a little over a year. He is amazing and we have so much fun together. I can't wait to spend the rest of my life with him. I can't wait to be his wife! And we've talked about getting married but never about WHEN. I want to talk about it so that honestly I know what to expect...I'm a planner and I'm trying to be patient. I don't want to him to feel pressured, but how do i go about talking to him about it, or do i just wait impatiently?!

Re: i don't want to pressure him...

  • hetshuphetshup member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Have an adult conversation with him about what you both want in life. You- I would like to be married/buy a house/create spawn in this time frame. Him- I was thinking XYZ.

    Don't get drunk and cry, don't drop "subtle" hints, don't be a nag in general. 
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  • edited December 2011
    A year is not that long together. I knew I wanted to marry DH after a year but no way would I have started pressuring him at that point. We didn't get engaged until 3 years in, others wait 5, 6, however long it takes. We talked about getting married also, but sometimes talk is just talk and it doesn't mean it's going to happen within the next couple months or even years.

    The more you nag him, the longer it will take. Just enjoy the relationship. Also, if you can't talk to him about moving forward, whether it's getting engaged, moving in together, or whatever, then you aren't ready to get married.
  • edited December 2011
    If you don't want to pressure him, then don't.  It's really that simple.  1.5 years isn't that long.  Enjoy your relationship.
  • underwneunderwne member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    While getting engaged is super exciting--I didn't realize how quickly things moved afterwards. Enjoy the time you have now...it's well worth it. Kev and I spent 4 years together, and the relationship we built without expectations will only help us in our marriage.
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  • bethsmilesbethsmiles member
    First Anniversary First Comment First Answer 5 Love Its
    edited December 2011
    hetshup is right there is a way of having an adult conversation about marriage without nagging. Don't whine, don't drop hints, and don't nag. A year really isn't that long and he may not be ready to get engaged and get married. There is a big difference between wanting to get married and being ready to get married.

    If I were you I would bring it up and have a conversation about when you would like to married and hear what he has to say about when he would like to married. Then after that conversation don't bring it up for at least 6 months. Its even better if he is the one to bring it up next time.


  • edited December 2011
    I agree with PP... just wait. My FI and I have been together almost 5 years before he proposed and like underwne said that builds your relationship for when you do get married. Enjoy every minute of your relationship now and learn more about each other. I still find things out about my FI that I didn't know and we have been together almost 5 years!
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  • edited December 2011
    A mature, explicit conversation is definitely the way to go.
    You can go about it gently, but if you're feeling antsy, I might even practice a soothing, calm tone for when you ask about what his plan is.
    It's a difficult thing to talk about sometimes, and even when you know WHEN you want to get married, that doesn't mean necessarily a whole lot about when you'll get engaged.
    Here's a summary of how these conversations went with me and FI way back when:
    FI: I want to marry you one day.
    ME: When do you see yourself being ready to get married?
    FI: In a few years.
    ME: Because of school (I'm in grad school), I was thinking 2011 would be optimal.  What do you think?
    FI: Yeah I like that.
    ME: Also, I want you to know that, I would like to be engaged for a least a year before that.
    FI: What, why? (uncomprehending male facial expression)
    ME: Planning and whatnot.  Just makes things easier on me, especially with school.
    FI: Ok, I get that.

    We had these conversations somewhere around a year together.  He proposed after we were together 2 1/2 years.  It definitely took patience for me, but it helped me to know that we had a plan, with some details, that we both agreed on.
    Try not to pressure him to propose, but it's perfectly ok to let him know where you are and what you want.

    Hopefully that helps some.
  • edited December 2011

    Just a couple things to think about....

    First off how old are the two of you?  Not that age makes a huge difference but a lot of younger people date longer before getting engaged because while they love their SO and think they want to marry them they just aren't "ready" for whatever reason at the time.  Older couples tend (though not always) to be ready sooner, perhaps because they've had life experiences are independent adults who have lived long enough to know they are ready.

    Are either or both of you still in school?  If yes, slow down... talking about the future now is okay but planning and having a wedding while juggling school is hard work and a lot of stress!

    Are each of you financially independent? 

    Have you each lived on your own at some point paying your own bills etc.?


    Okay, now that you have considered these things ask him some questions about his future.  Where does he see himself in a year, five years, ten years?  Does he plan on living in the city he does now for a while/forever?  Does he see himself having children?  If so when is he thinking and how many would he like to have?

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  • edited December 2011
    thanks for all your advice! we talked last nice and we are both on the same page!
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