ring question, from girls who've done it already

lindsayrae1986

hi girls...

quick question.  i have a family heirloom ring, passed down to me from my great, great uncle who has since passed away.  it's one of the only things we have left from him.  it's a gorgeous ring, an oval diamond with two triangle diamonds on the sides.  altogether, it's about 2.25 carats (about 1.25 or 1.5 for the oval center diamond and 0.3 to 0.5 each for the side diamonds).  it's on a plain gold band, sitting up off of the ring (in a typical vintage style).  he bought it for his wife in the 1970's. 

i need to get a new band for it (not yellow gold, which is what it's on now *smile*) and a wedding band to put with it. 

i don't wear jewelry (believe it or not, my e/w-ring will be my first and only piece of jewelry)...  so i have NO idea how much this would cost, how difficult it would be, how long it might take...  any of that.  and he knows less than i do.  so we need help. 

the ring as it is now is beautiful.  and it has so much sentimental value to me.

however...  my boyfriend has been looking at rings.  he knows that i have this one, but he wants to get one himself.  i totally understand that.  he picked out a beautiful ring, but i feel like if we use that exact setting, with my diamonds, it will be "too much".  too big, too fancy, too "in your face".  it's not that the setting is super fancy or anything, but the actual band is quite a bit thicker than the band it's on now, and it does have a little more detail than the current (original) band.  i'm very petite (4'10", very small hands) so many rings look too large on my small fingers.

it's important to him that it's "his project".  i thought we would get a plain, raised setting very similar to the original band and then some kind of wedding band to go with it later.  but i think that he wants to do something more.  i'd like to keep expenses down.  we'd like to pay for everything without taking on additional debt. 

can those of you who have gone through the ring process tell me the pros and cons of both situations?  ie, getting a similar setting and wedding band to what i have now (basically, just having a jeweler make the same band, but in white gold or platinum), or buying a band and using the diamonds from the ring instead of store-bought diamonds...  like i said, i have no experience with jewelry whatsoever, and neither does he.  i'm trying to let him be "in charge" of all of this.  i know that it's really special to him to be able to do this, and i don't want to stick my nose where it doesn't belong.  he is very excited and enthusiastic about it...  but we're very inexperienced in jewelry and how all that works.

poor guy, can't keep a secret, so he's told me he wants to be engaged around the end of this year, beginning of next year.  so we have a few months.  does it take that long? 

and any tips from girls who have been in my shoes...  how do i talk to him about maybe getting a smaller-scale band/ring without hurting his feelings or making him feel less "manly" about it...    you know what i'm talking about.  he wants to sacrifice to do this, so i need to let him do that.  but at the same time, i don't want to go overboard when we basically have "the ring".

i guess i'd just like to hear from some girls who have been there and done that.  how does this e/w-ring process work?  do you have any tips on communicating with your SO about compromising on a ring?  i know that the ring is just the beginning and a small thing, and this is really just an "exercise" on learning how to work together and compromise.  i feel like i didn't explain myself very well in this post... please don't roast me.  if i was too vague or rambling, just let me know and i'll try to word it better.

thank you!

jeanacorina

I don't know a lot about custom jewelry, but I have to say, I'm confused. You say you're really petite and don't want anything "too big." However, a 1+ carat center stone sounds enormous to me. Mine is 3/4 carat and I feel like it's big.

I imagine you've tried the heirloom ring on. And if you love it, that's awesome. I guess your wording just gave me pause.

loopy82

If you already have the diamonds to put it a band that will cut down on the cost. If you are worried about the ring becoming too gaudy, why not just use the center stone from the ring and get the side stones made into earrings or on a necklace?

There are some girls on here whom have gotten custom made rings done. I would really recommend talking to some jewellers about your ideas. That is the best way to get answers to your questions and figure out costs.

I didn't get any say in my ring. My FI picked out a style that he liked. I really didn't have any input. I will say that his style and my style is fairly vastly different when it comes to jewelry. You would probably love anything that FI got you.

Acrosthec

I honestly have no idea how much it would take to reset your diamonds into a different band, BUT I also got an heirloom ring in yellow gold (which I don't wear) and had it dipped and plated to be white gold.  It was relatively inexpensive to do so, at about $15-30 depending on where you go.  You have to have this re-done periodically to keep it shiny looking, or else the yellow will start to show through.  it does not take long to do this unless you take it somewhere that they have to send the ring off.  Our local jeweler can do it in 1 day and have it back to you the next.

Sorry...that's really all I know about.  My wedding band was a resetting job (another heirloom ring that I used the stones out of), but my uncle makes jewelry and did it for me as a wedding gift, so I have no clue how much it would cost in the real world.  I hope the info I could give you helps though!

aperitisa

My e-ring stone came from my parents.  When my dad gave the stone to FI he had it removed from the setting and put into a display box.  FI proposed with that box.  The next day we started looking for a setting.  All of the places we went to had empty settings and we were able to set the stone into the setting to see how it looks.  It is AMAZING the difference it makes just by putting the specific stone into it compared to looking at an empty band.  I would recommend giving the ring to BF for him to do something similar.  

We ended up getting a ring custom made. The price totally varies.  My ring is a halo setting with 91 diamonds around the halo, basket and completely around the band.  Really its the center diamond that makes any ring so pricey.   Our setting would have been MUCH cheaper with less diamonds.  Also, some places wanted to charge us anywhere from $100-$250 for using our own diamond.  I was totally not expecting that at all.  The guy we ended up having make our ring didn't charge us that, so I was really happy.  

HTH.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-question-girls-whove-done-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5491c726-a3aa-4c92-9153-1efea08eee84Post:0d091814-fcda-4901-8c66-7bf44010ca82">Re: ring question, from girls who've done it already</a>:
[QUOTE]I honestly have no idea how much it would take to reset your diamonds into a different band, BUT I also got an heirloom ring in yellow gold (which I don't wear) and had it dipped and plated to be white gold.  It was relatively inexpensive to do so, at about $15-30 depending on where you go.  You have to have this re-done periodically to keep it shiny looking, or else the yellow will start to show through.  it does not take long to do this unless you take it somewhere that they have to send the ring off.  Our local jeweler can do it in 1 day and have it back to you the next. Sorry...that's really all I know about.  My wedding band was a resetting job (another heirloom ring that I used the stones out of), but my uncle makes jewelry and did it for me as a wedding gift, so I have no clue how much it would cost in the real world.  I hope the info I could give you helps though!
Posted by Acrosthec[/QUOTE]

this was helpful.  thank you!  but since the ring is kind of old, would it be better in the long run to put it on a new setting?  i'd hate for the diamond to fall out.  but, like i said, i don't really know how that works.

the diamonds, even though they are "rather large", look fine.  i guess i meant to say, a smaller BAND looks much better on my finger than a thicker one.  and the one he looked at is quite a bit thicker than the original band.  the original band is quite thin, and looks much more proportionate than a normal-to-thick band.

does that help any?

aperitisa

Oh, also, since I have an heirloom diamond, I chose to have a bezel setting rather than a prong setting.  Prongs can come loose quite easily and I was too afraid of losing the diamond.  The bezel is a ring of metal soldered to the halo so there is a very small chance of it coming out. 

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-question-girls-whove-done-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5491c726-a3aa-4c92-9153-1efea08eee84Post:8d87c284-66f7-417f-9c90-e5b7f6c621b8">Re: ring question, from girls who've done it already</a>:
[QUOTE]My e-ring stone came from my parents.  When my dad gave the stone to FI he had it removed from the setting and put into a display box.  FI proposed with that box.  The next day we started looking for a setting.  All of the places we went to had empty settings and we were able to set the stone into the setting to see how it looks.  It is AMAZING the difference it makes just by putting the specific stone into it compared to looking at an empty band.  I would recommend giving the ring to BF for him to do something similar.   We ended up getting a ring custom made. The price totally varies.  My ring is a halo setting with 91 diamonds around the halo, basket and completely around the band.  Really its the center diamond that makes any ring so pricey.   Our setting would have been MUCH cheaper with less diamonds.  Also, some places wanted to charge us anywhere from $100-$250 for using our own diamond.  I was totally not expecting that at all.  The guy we ended up having make our ring didn't charge us that, so I was really happy.   HTH.
Posted by aperitisa[/QUOTE]

this is helpful, thank you!!  i will definitely bring that up.

anyone have any tips on how to bring this up to him without making a mess of things?  :) 

Ana_2985

I have thin fingers too so I know what you mean about not wanting a thick band.

My ring was custom made.  I'm sure every situation is different, but everything from picking out the stones to choosing the setting to having it on my hand took about 1 month.  You may already have the stones so it could take even less than that amount of time for you.

I think you should try talking to your BF again.  I understand wanting it to be "his project" but it's "your" ring and it sounds like you're not happy with what he's choosing.  Doesn't he want you to be happy and comfortable with it?  You need to find a compromise.  Talk to him again about how much money you could save by using the family stones.  Talk to him about the ways you could use that saved money - maybe for a house or the wedding for example.

As a compromise, maybe he could be responsible for picking out your wedding band.  Although personally, I know I couldn't handle that.  I'm too picky and I love to shop and I'd be disappointed if I didn't get to pick my own.  I am thankful that my FI and I agreed on shopping together.  Good luck! 

ekathleen684

I had a ring that my aunt gave to me before she passed. I told FI long before we were engaged that I wanted him to use her center stone in my engagement ring. He (I guess you could say...) didn't want any sort of "help" and wanted to buy the entire ring himself. I told him that it would mean the world to me to have her diamond in my ring and he obliged. My uncle owns a shop so FI was able to pick the ring out of a catalogue and had my stone set in the setting he chose

If it comes up in conversation, I would tell him your thoughts. He doesn't have to pay attention (even though it's nice that he does) but at least he'll have a little to go on. I had no part of the ring process, except that I emailed him a few pictures that I liked.

He can talk to a jeweler and they can do anything you want. The main expenses of a ring come from that center diamond. I have no clue what FI sent on my ring but I  know it was much cheaper than what it would have been if he bought something at any jewelry chain.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-question-girls-whove-done-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5491c726-a3aa-4c92-9153-1efea08eee84Post:2add343e-ce36-4ee1-acc5-1812afe6ce71">Re: ring question, from girls who've done it already</a>:
[QUOTE]I had a ring that my aunt gave to me before she passed. I told FI long before we were engaged that I wanted him to use her center stone in my engagement ring. He (I guess you could say...) didn't want any sort of "help" and wanted to buy the entire ring himself. I told him that it would mean the world to me to have her diamond in my ring and he obliged. My uncle owns a shop so FI was able to pick the ring out of a catalogue and had my stone set in the setting he chose If it comes up in conversation, I would tell him your thoughts. He doesn't have to pay attention (even though it's nice that he does) but at least he'll have a little to go on. I had no part of the ring process, except that I emailed him a few pictures that I liked. He can talk to a jeweler and they can do anything you want. The main expenses of a ring come from that center diamond. I have no clue what FI sent on my ring but I  know it was much cheaper than what it would have been if he bought something at any jewelry chain.
Posted by ekathleen684[/QUOTE]

this is kind of the situation.  he wants to do it all himself, but it would mean alot to me to use the diamonds and even the same kind of band/setting.  but at the same time, i don't want him to feel like i'm bossing him or telling him, "this is how i want it so you better do it this way"... because that is not what it's all about.

i liked the idea of letting him choose the wedding band.

we talked about it some last night when he was showing me pictures of the ring he liked/picked out...  and he knows that i have a ring, but he wants to do it.

maybe i'll bring it up tonight or tomorrow sometime.  although, he's been bringing it up alot lately.  i might not have to.  :)

Goldlie11

The way I see it, you have a couple of options.  If you BF really wants to buy you a ring on his own, then why not wear the antique as a cocktail ring?

If you do want to keep the stones for your e-ring, you pick out a setting that you like and have the jeweler put your stones into the new setting.  I like loopy's idea of using the center stone for the e-ring and taking the other two and making them into e-rings.  Most jewelers sell the setting separate from the center stone anyway, so it shouldn't be a big deal.  There is a possibility of a setting fee, but see if you can get out of it.  

Although bezel's are very safe, if you like prongs, go with it.  The odds of your center diamond falling our are kind of slim, especially since ovals are usually set with six prongs.  

GL.

Edit:  If you haven't done so, insure the stones before you have any work done on the ring.  Have the stones appraised and you might want to see if you can get a laser inscription done.  You never can be too safe.  

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-question-girls-whove-done-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5491c726-a3aa-4c92-9153-1efea08eee84Post:2551a720-d505-4c8c-a327-032e35cb1697">Re: ring question, from girls who've done it already</a>:
[QUOTE]The way I see it, you have a couple of options.  If you BF really wants to buy you a ring on his own, then why not wear the antique as a cocktail ring? If you do want to keep the stones for your e-ring, you pick out a setting that you like and have the jeweler put your stones into the new setting.  I like loopy's idea of using the center stone for the e-ring and taking the other two and making them into e-rings.  Most jewelers sell the setting separate from the center stone anyway, so it shouldn't be a big deal.  There is a possibility of a setting fee, but see if you can get out of it.   Although bezel's are very safe, if you like prongs, go with it.  The odds of your center diamond falling our are kind of slim, especially since ovals are usually set with six prongs.   GL. Edit:  If you haven't done so, insure the stones before you have any work done on the ring.  Have the stones appraised and you might want to see if you can get a laser inscription done.  You never can be too safe.  
Posted by Goldlie11[/QUOTE]

thanks for the advice.  i have the original appraisal, for like 10G in 1972 (or something similar to that) but i suppose i should get a current estimate.

and i love the idea of a cocktail ring, or earrings, but this will be my only piece of jewelry.  i don't wear any other kind of jewelry for personal reasons, so this is IT.  my only chance...  so i'd like it to be something that he and i both love.

and i do prefer the prongs...  my mom's ring has prongs and she periodically takes it to be checked, and only a couple times since the early 1990's has she had to have them tightened.

katanne9

My ring was a custom designed ring.

Make sure you do proper research about your jeweler before getting involved with him, especially if you are coming into this with the diamonds (which at some point will probably need to be left with him).

I believe my custom setting without the center stone ended up costing around 3K - but this is with 112 small stones set into the band.

Don't feel like you HAVE to use ALL the diamonds for the ring handed down to you. You could always use a few and save the rest for your children.

If you have more questions or would like to know more specifics about cost I'd be happy to share with your over a PM.


Ditto Goldie. Get your diamonds appraised and get the proper paperwork. A prior jeweler swapped diamonds on my FI and he could only prove it through the proper certification and mapping of the specific diamond.

GL.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-question-girls-whove-done-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5491c726-a3aa-4c92-9153-1efea08eee84Post:ad02a388-d925-4aaa-ad05-507b0766aca6">Re: ring question, from girls who've done it already</a>:
[QUOTE]My ring was a custom designed ring. Make sure you do proper research about your jeweler before getting involved with him, especially if you are coming into this with the diamonds (which at some point will probably need to be left with him). I believe my custom setting without the center stone ended up costing around 3K - but this is with 112 small stones set into the band. Don't feel like you HAVE to use ALL the diamonds for the ring handed down to you. You could always use a few and save the rest for your children. If you have more questions or would like to know more specifics about cost I'd be happy to share with your over a PM. Ditto Goldie. Get your diamonds appraised and get the proper paperwork. A prior jeweler swapped diamonds on my FI and he could only prove it through the proper certification and mapping of the specific diamond. GL.
Posted by katanne9[/QUOTE]

i love the current setting...  so i'd like to keep it that way, *if possible*...  thanks for information, it's very helpful!  i didn't even think about the jeweler doing something like that...  ugh.  one more thing to worry about!  :)

Acrosthec

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-question-girls-whove-done-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5491c726-a3aa-4c92-9153-1efea08eee84Post:85eecc6d-313b-49c7-b2a9-14dc10fa81ec">Re: ring question, from girls who've done it already</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: ring question, from girls who've done it already : this was helpful.  thank you!  but since the ring is kind of old, would it be better in the long run to put it on a new setting?  i'd hate for the diamond to fall out.  but, like i said, i don't really know how that works. the diamonds, even though they are "rather large", look fine.  i guess i meant to say, a smaller BAND looks much better on my finger than a thicker one.  and the one he looked at is quite a bit thicker than the original band.  the original band is quite thin, and looks much more proportionate than a normal-to-thick band. does that help any?
Posted by lindsayrae1986[/QUOTE]

My ring is from 1941.  When I received it, the band was VERY thin and the prongs were worn down significantly.  The jeweler was able to add a little bit of gold to the setting itself and build the prongs and the band back up to a safe size so nothing would break and I wouldn't lose the diamond.

I was extremely adamant about keeping my setting though, since that was the part of the ring I loved the most.  If you aren't attached to the particular setting, it may be best to have the stones reset.

And ditto what Kat said about not feeling like you have to use ALL the stones.  I haven't seen it yet, but the emeralds and diamonds that were to be used in my wedding band were different sizes, so there's a chance not all of them could be used (the emeralds were slightly larger than the diamonds).  If that's the case, I asked my uncle to just use the diamonds, and make the emeralds into a pendant that I can wear until I have children.  If I have a daughter, she will receive it; if I don't, my goddaughter will receive it.  You don't HAVE to use all the stones in your wedding ring if you don't really like to wear a lot of jewelry (and I'm the same way - my e-ring, class ring, and an emerald pendant FI gave me are the only jewelry I wear).

ki10

I would guess that he'd feel the most "manly" if he got to pick a setting and have the diamonds put into it. This would be a lot easier if you were willing to separate the center stone, since triangulars are kind of unusual and because side stones usually already come with most empty settings.You could also put the side stones into your wedding band, into boyfriend's wedding band, or into both.

I know we all have our hang ups, but he should care what you want, especially if this is your only piece of jewelry. Since he does seem open to talking about it, perhaps ask him to go on a shopping trip to try on settings and show him what actually looks and feels best on you.

heybekaruth

hello - i usually lurk some but actually know a little bit about your situation.

my dad had family diamonds made into a 3 stone setting (like you are mentioning) for their 25th anniversary.  they went with white gold and worked with a reputable, local jeweler to create a custom setting.  i believe it was around $1,500 (this was 6 years ago), then they used additional family diamonds to create a new wedding band - i believe that was around $1,000. 

it took about 4 or 5 weeks to make the custom setting once it was designed - although they met with the jeweler several times over an additional 4 weeks to create the setting that she wanted.

i personally have 2 heirloom rings - one was my great, great, great aunts from like 1880 and it is rose gold with an amethyst in the middle and when i got it a few years ago i took it to a jeweler before i ever wore it to make sure the prongs were in good condition, etc - one prong had to be repaired and it was around $70.  the second ring was my grandmother's and it is probably 60+ years old and it has a sapphire in the middle and 3 diamonds on either side that are made into a triangle pattern.  when i took that one in they had to repair and rebuild all the prongs on the ring due to their condition - that cost around $180.

i definitely agree with the pp that mentioned using a reputable jeweler - my grandmother unfortunately has some horror stories from working with jeweler back years ago!  hope this helps

oceana919

First of all, you need to sit down and have an adult conversation with your BF concerning the situation. Marriage is all about compromise. You want to use family diamonds, he wants to get you a ring he picked out - perhaps he picks the setting and uses the family diamonds, or he lets you help in the design of your e-ring and he picks the wedding band? There's got to be some degree of compromising that can be done here that makes you both happy.

Someone suggested earlier using the center diamond from the ring for your e-ring and making the side triangle diamonds into a pair of earrings or a pendant - that was the first thought I had when I read your post. While I understand you don't wear jewelry, perhaps you could use a piece made with the side diamonds as your wedding day jewelry? Or save them for your children?

One suggestion - check out Blue Nile and play around with settings. They let you build a ring from pieces and parts - pick a diamond that is similar in size/cut/clarity to yours and play around with the different settings. If you find a combination you really like, you can print that out and take it to a jeweler to have it custom made.

lindsayrae1986

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_ring-question-girls-whove-done-already?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5491c726-a3aa-4c92-9153-1efea08eee84Post:25884062-edb9-4605-bdb5-b03a3f7a9f14">Re: ring question, from girls who've done it already</a>:
[QUOTE]First of all, you need to sit down and have an adult conversation with your BF concerning the situation. Marriage is all about compromise. You want to use family diamonds, he wants to get you a ring he picked out - perhaps he picks the setting and uses the family diamonds, or he lets you help in the design of your e-ring and he picks the wedding band? There's got to be some degree of compromising that can be done here that makes you both happy. Someone suggested earlier using the center diamond from the ring for your e-ring and making the side triangle diamonds into a pair of earrings or a pendant - that was the first thought I had when I read your post. While I understand you don't wear jewelry, perhaps you could use a piece made with the side diamonds as your wedding day jewelry? Or save them for your children? One suggestion - check out Blue Nile and play around with settings. They let you build a ring from pieces and parts - pick a diamond that is similar in size/cut/clarity to yours and play around with the different settings. If you find a combination you really like, you can print that out and take it to a jeweler to have it custom made.
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

thanks for the blue nile tip.  i'll check it out.

lindsayrae1986

update:  had a talk with the BF last night...  he brought up the whole engagement, and i thought it was as good a time as any...  plus, i saw he had a "build a ring" app on his iPhone, so i thought things might be getting serious.  i didn't even know there was a "build a ring" app...  ha!

anyway, we agreed to either recover the current band to white gold or platinum (i'm not sure how that works, is it called "plating"?) or to have a new band that's just like the original band...  and he gets to pick out his band and the actual wedding band.  it wasn't nearly as bad as i thought it would be (maybe i was overly worried about his reaction in my head), and he wasn't upset at all.

sooo...  pros and cons of the recovering/plating/whatever it's called vs. getting a new band that's just like the band it's on now?

thanks! 

catemeg

My boyfriend wanted to take the little diamonds from my great-grandma's ring to put in the wedding band, but we found out that placing small stones (less than 1/4 carat) was much more expensive than just buying a ring with these stones already placed in it.  So we have opted to use those stones as they are (in a circle 'starburst' formation) and have a jeweler sauder it together (melt the metal) so I can make it into a necklace without re-setting the stones.

So that's one downside to using re-setting small stones.  I'm not sure how much it would cost - you can get it priced out by a jeweler to see the difference in cost, but that would be one of my concerns.  You can also discuss with a jeweler whether or not the setting is sturdy or if you'd be better off building one from scratch.

If you love the ring and it fits (enough that you could size it) and it's relatively stable, I say plate it in white gold.  It's easier, cheaper, and you'll be sure to still have the ring you love.