Uhh I don't know what to do anymore

Saopaulo66

I am going to drive myself crazy if i keep wanting to get engaged. We will be together for 2 years..one of my good friends are just coming up on a year and are getting married in september. We know we want to get married and all that stuff he just says hes not ready to propose yet. His brother is getting married next year and I'm not in the wedding. I'm fine with that of course hes the bestman but I would just like to be engaged by that time so that I'm not just the gf, i know i know your going to say im crazy. I just have this like thing of wanting to be his fiance. I know this sounds horrible but I kinda wana be excited and say im engaged. He says will get engaged before he finishes school but for some reason I just don't think so. I mean hes going to be 24..

tuarceatha

I know: you need to chillax.

If he is not ready, you two are not ready. Focus on something else. Like the relationship you are in right now.

catrb933

You don't want to get into a situation where you're pressuring him and he's proposing to you just to end that pressure. It does suck feeling like everyone else is getting engaged/married while you aren't. However you will regret it if he proposes for the wrong reasons. I'm not sure how old you are but 24 is still young. You have time.

eirwyn

I think the problem is that you're seeing being engaged more as a label/status than another step in your life. People will respect your two-year relationship for what it is (a commitment) even if you aren't "engaged". 

The fact you said "just the girlfriend" when talking about the wedding next year is what clued me into that. What's wrong with being someone's girlfriend for two years? You'll have been together *three* years at that point, right? That's pretty awesome. If his family likes you, then you're doing really well.

If he says he isn't ready, then try to relax. He's finishing school, and he's 24. Some guys want to graduate, get into their career, and age a little bit before they settle down. When I was 24, I "knew" I was ready to be married, but I also worried that maybe I was too young. And you know what? I was. I'm not saying you two are too young, but maybe your BF feels like he is since he's expressed he wants to wait a while.

Try to find other things to get excited about. It sounds like you're basing a lot of your self-worth on being his fiancee (we're back to that "just a girlfriend" thing). Being engaged isn't an accomplishment, goal, achievement, what-have-you. It's a serious commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone. That's why a lot of people take their time and ease into that step, no matter how much love/excitement/passion they feel for the other person.

tuarceatha

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_uhh-i-dont-know-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54cc0cd2-c6d7-4163-816b-fb10f3dd7d90Post:d5ec58a6-1aa5-4055-a270-020b05d7b9ae">Re: Uhh I don't know what to do anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]I think the problem is that you're seeing being engaged more as a label/status than another step in your life. People will respect your two-year relationship for what it is (a commitment) even if you aren't "engaged".  The fact you said "just the girlfriend" when talking about the wedding next year is what clued me into that. What's wrong with being someone's girlfriend for two years? You'll have been together *three* years at that point, right? That's pretty awesome. If his family likes you, then you're doing really well. If he says he isn't ready, then try to relax. He's finishing school, and he's 24. Some guys want to graduate, get into their career, and age a little bit before they settle down. When I was 24, I "knew" I was ready to be married, but I also worried that maybe I was too young. And you know what? I was . I'm not saying you two are too young, but maybe your BF feels like he is since he's expressed he wants to wait a while. Try to find other things to get excited about. It sounds like you're basing a lot of your self-worth on being his fiancee (we're back to that "just a girlfriend" thing). <strong>Being engaged isn't an accomplishment, goal, achievement, what-have-you. It's a serious commitment to spend the rest of your life with someone. That's why a lot of people take their time and ease into that step, no matter how much love/excitement/passion they feel for the other person.</strong>
Posted by eirwyn[/QUOTE]

This. Andplusalso, it is a lotta work.

tuarceatha

p.s. this was me last year: http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_getting-grumpy-being-ney

In other news, how did you meet your BF? What sparked this two year relationship?

ravenray

Chill out my dear.  I know the feeling of I just want to be engaged but if you are in such a hurry to jump to the next step you will miss out on so many good things in your relationship now.  Living in the now is healthy living in the past or future is not.  If he isn't ready he isn't ready, props to him for saying that to you.  If you keep bugging him that can potentially ruin your relationship.

Saopaulo66

To jenjen I am kinda affraid to say on here but i guess i can, we met on a dating website. And i along with another friend went to meet up with him and then about a month after that we started dating. He is truly amazing never thought i would meet the guy of my dreams because i dated so many assholes and just lost hope.I was so tired of just dating. He came along at the perfect time, my family loves him and his parents are divorced his father lives in the middle east never met him, but his mother loves me.I am so happy and lucky to have him in my life he is great, he sometimes puts up with a lot and I know he does.

tuarceatha

*

Aw! Lots of people have met that way? NO judgment whatsoever.


* I removed the quote.

eirwyn

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_uhh-i-dont-know-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54cc0cd2-c6d7-4163-816b-fb10f3dd7d90Post:e6a5386a-53a4-4123-84d5-1d493f4241ed">Re: Uhh I don't know what to do anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]To jenjen I am kinda affraid to say on here but i guess i can, we met on a dating website. And i along with another friend went to meet up with him and then about a month after that we started dating. He is truly amazing never thought i would meet the guy of my dreams because i dated so many assholes and just lost hope.I was so tired of just dating. He came along at the perfect time, my family loves him and his parents are divorced his father lives in the middle east never met him, but his mother loves me.I am so happy and lucky to have him in my life he is great, he sometimes puts up with a lot and I know he does.
Posted by Saopaulo66[/QUOTE]
Don't worry about meeting online. When I read through a bunch of the "get to know you" threads on the various boards, I saw a LOT of people had met online. It's definitely losing its stigma.<div>
</div><div>I met my BF on "World of Warcraft", so I have an even geekier "how we met" story. ;)</div>

Saopaulo66

How long before yall were together and then got engaged?

tuarceatha

I met my FI in high school. I actually some times get embarrassed that I am marrying a guy from high school. We didn't date then though, that is just when we met.

tuarceatha

Me? We were together for 3 years, and were 27 and 28 once we got engaged.

Elle1036

Ummmm, it's called punctuation.

Saopaulo66

Nothing wrong with that its cute that you went to high school together. Oh okay yea I am only 22, it just seems that like a lot of the people i went to school with are either engaged or getting married that is scary because they are younger than me! My good friends that are getting married she just turned 21.

LilTexasGal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_uhh-i-dont-know-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:54cc0cd2-c6d7-4163-816b-fb10f3dd7d90Post:d034a54e-9963-4ffa-ad8a-d881b71301a0">Uhh I don't know what to do anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]I am going to drive myself crazy if i keep wanting to get engaged. We will be together for 2 years..one of my good friends are just coming up on a year and are getting married in september. We know we want to get married and all that stuff he just says hes not ready to propose yet. His brother is getting married next year and I'm not in the wedding. I'm fine with that of course hes the bestman but I would just like to be engaged by that time so that I'm not just the gf, i know i know your going to say im crazy. I just have this like thing of wanting to be his fiance. I know this sounds horrible but I kinda wana be excited and say im engaged. <strong>He says will get engaged before he finishes school</strong> but for some reason I just don't think so. I mean hes going to be 24..
Posted by Saopaulo66[/QUOTE]

Let's hope not. I assume you are younger than he is, but the way you don't mention your age concerns me. He's going to be 24, great. But what about you? He is only half of your relationship. Are you done with school yet? Do you support yourself? Pay your own bills? I am not sure how many folks will agree with me on this, but I feel that before you get engaged you should finish school and be able to support yourself. And if not engaged, at least wait to get married. I was in a wedding my senior year of college for a bride who was also graduating. Let's just say it was hard on her... He should certainly wait until he is done with school too. 24 really isn't <em>that</em> old anyway. FI will be 26 here in a few months, and will be just about to turn 27 when we get married. However, if we'd waited a few years I wouldn't be thinking " D@mn boy, you're gettin' old. When do ya reckon you'll pop that question?"

I personally think "what's the rush?" when I hear about gals who really want to be engaged, for engaged purposes. Trust me when I say, getting engaged before he is ready is only going to HURT your relationship, and do you really want to be engaged so badly that you'd risk your relationship? Don't think I don't understand though. Early in my relationship with FI I knew I wanted to marry him, we'd talked about getting married and we knew it was the eventual progression of our relationship. Was FI ready to take a knee then and there? Of course not. Trust me, it will make your engagement so much more special if it happens once he is ready too.

I know you feel that getting engaged will give more validity to your relationship, but like PP said, people are going to recognize your relationship of 2 years. FI and I were together just about 5 years before he proposed, and will have been together over 6 years when we actually say I do. My sister waited 9 years and will be together for 10 when she gets married. My cousin waited 8 years and will be together 9 years when she gets married. What do all 3 of us have in common? We started dating when we were young. Family respected our relationships for what they were, and now that the 3 of us are engaged, the only thing that changed is the Future In-Law status of our FIs to our families. If his family knows he wasn't ready to propose (and they will, trust me on that one) they will probably respect your relationship less than if you were "just dating".

Personally, I think you're sounding crazy, but I bet you're actually pretty level-headed. Just breathe, and think about it. I know you're not going to say "OMG Internet Stranger! You've made me see the light." No, you need to do that on your own, but I reckon if you just think about it a little you'll come to a similar conclusion. :)

ETA: Wow... when I started typing this thread was only a few posts long. I type way too much! />.<

tuarceatha

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_uhh-i-dont-know-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54cc0cd2-c6d7-4163-816b-fb10f3dd7d90Post:e24ef935-564e-434f-a8e3-082f879f539b">Re: Uhh I don't know what to do anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]Nothing wrong with that its cute that you went to high school together. Oh okay yea I am only 22, it just seems that like a lot of the people i went to school with are either engaged or getting married that is scary because they are younger than me! My good friends that are getting married she just turned 21.
Posted by Saopaulo66[/QUOTE]

I can't say anything about any of that... but I will.
I knew a couple girls that got married at that age, and a few more that got married a few years later, and now I know a few more that are just married or engaged like me, or not even close yet. Your relationship can't be compared to anyone else's. You gotta focus on you plus him, that's where the facts are.

Saopaulo66

To liltexasgirl I'm 22 yea i pay my own bills but of course i still live with my parents. Yea he doesn't want to get married until he finishes college he has made that very clear, I also agree with that. I guess it's just the whole engaged thing i guess like you said.

Briannasteve

I know what you are going through but really it all works out with time. I waited a good 6 and a half years to finally get engaged. We moved in together 2 years ago and I started ot get pretty anxious then. A full year after living togethr we finally got engaged. It was worth the wait. He was saving up the money for my ring, thats what he meant by he wasnt ready. Then he wanted the perfect time. lol he even meant to propose at my grandmothers house with all of our family there, its also where my mom and stepdad (more like dad) got married. But it was such a crappy day out that he wanted to wait. 

He didnt want me to just have a small diamond, he wanted me to have something that he felt I deserved (haha so cute). We didnt have a lot of money because we were both in school, so it took a while to save. Guys usually have a different plan than we do. 

Relax (easier said than done, i know), and it will be fine. 

LilTexasGal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_uhh-i-dont-know-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:54cc0cd2-c6d7-4163-816b-fb10f3dd7d90Post:e24ef935-564e-434f-a8e3-082f879f539b">Re: Uhh I don't know what to do anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]Nothing wrong with that its cute that you went to high school together. Oh okay yea I am only 22, it just seems that like a lot of the people i went to school with are either engaged or getting married that is scary because they are younger than me! My good friends that are getting married she just turned 21.
Posted by Saopaulo66[/QUOTE]

Okay, I didn't have a chance to read this before I posted my original comment. Great! I was concerned that maybe you were 18 or so, but 22 isn't concerning at all. You're actually very similar to my relationship with FI. We started dating when I was 19 and he was 20. He's actually 1 year 5 months (to the day) older than I am, so shortly after we started dating he turned 21. So I too was 22 with a 24 year old at one point. Marriage was on my mind, of course it was. I knew I wanted to spend my life with FI, but I also knew I wasn't ready.

I too had friends getting married young, but as I already stated, I think you should be out of school before you get married. Again, that is just how I view things, and I understand not everyone shares that opinion. Don't worry about it, just take your relationship one step at a time. Your BF will propose when he is ready and not a moment sooner (at least you should hope not!) and you'll value that.

I also back my previous statement, you're level-headed. :)

LilTexasGal

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_uhh-i-dont-know-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:54cc0cd2-c6d7-4163-816b-fb10f3dd7d90Post:a0c8a783-872c-4e0f-9242-69484fdc5670">Re: Uhh I don't know what to do anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]To liltexasgirl I'm 22 yea i pay my own bills but of course i still live with my parents. Yea he doesn't want to get married until he finishes college he has made that very clear, I also agree with that. I guess it's just the whole engaged thing i guess like you said.
Posted by Saopaulo66[/QUOTE]

Living at home is fine, as long as you're <em>able</em> to support yourself if need be :). My cousin (the one who is getting married) still lives at home. She has a job, she helps her parents pay the bills, but she still lives at home. Her FI is living in an apartment, and she will be moving in with him after the wedding. Since you're in college, even the more reason not to be throwing money away.

Sounds like your BF is one smart fella. :)

ETA: Ack sorry for the double post, I meant to type this up, then C/P it into an edit of my previous post!

Saopaulo66

Haha thanks, yea it's just hard you know. My mom got married at 25 and so did my sister and she had a hard time having her first child which just turned 13 months and shes 32 and is running low on patience and i'm affraid i don't want to be like that. 

eirwyn

You can't compare ages, length of relationship, how long it took to get engaged, and how long it took to get married.

This is because every single relationship is unique. Every. Single. One.

Just because some people get engaged after a year or two, that doesn't mean that's the "normal" time frame. It's not like finishing college in 4-5 years or earning a black belt in 7-9 years. There are simply too many variables, especially because you have TWO people in a relationship.

Being curious is fine, but I hope you aren't measuring yourself against the responses.

thejucheidea

I'm at two and a half years with my boyfriend. In that time (one month less, actually), one of my coworkers met, married and had a baby with her husband. Crazy sh*t that I can't imagine doing, and that's all that I think about when I hear people losing their minds about getting married and the status changes of fiancée to wife to mother.

Would I want their relationship? No. Do I feel like our relationship is something less than theirs because they're married and have a child? No -- in fact, the complete opposite because I like that Tyler lets me maintain male friends and doesn't require that I receive his permission to do things like go anywhere but straight home after work. He's cool like that.

Just chill. We have all of our stressed moments because of possibly impending engagement (mine's been pending for eleven months), but just don't compare your relationship to others and you should be fine.

Saopaulo66

Yea i know, well i think the main issue is that we live from 45mins to an hour away from each other with our parents. So we don't get to see each other every day for 5mins or when we want too. I think once we move in together that me feeling that way will change, right now were waiting to move in till we have better jobs at least one of us.

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_uhh-i-dont-know-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54cc0cd2-c6d7-4163-816b-fb10f3dd7d90Post:62dd26ec-40af-4240-be9c-cb112ef16a6c">Re: Uhh I don't know what to do anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]Yea i know, well i think the main issue is that we live from 45mins to an hour away from each other with our parents. So we don't get to see each other every day for 5mins or when we want too. I think once we move in together that me feeling that way will change, right now were waiting to move in till we have better jobs at least one of us.
Posted by Saopaulo66[/QUOTE]
lol we've lived together almost the entire time that we've been dating each other. I think we're more like a married couple at this point but without the legality of it all.

But, I mean... if you're not financially ready to live away from home, do you really want to be engaged and planning a wedding? It might be more prudent to just continue on with getting to know each other better and setting up life before changing relationship status.

Peaseblossom55

One thing I've learned is that you can't compare your relationship to anyone else.  I'm not engaged yet either, we've been together 2 1/2 yrs now and I'm in my early 30's and he is in his late 30's.  I know it will come when he is ready.  Right I am focusing on all of the good things in our life and the fact that he is moving in with me soon.

Just enjoy the now.

caitlin.cave

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_uhh-i-dont-know-what-to-do-anymore?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:54cc0cd2-c6d7-4163-816b-fb10f3dd7d90Post:6a4db8d3-10e9-4d08-a060-4a645932e1b1">Re: Uhh I don't know what to do anymore</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Uhh I don't know what to do anymore : lol we've lived together almost the entire time that we've been dating each other. I think we're more like a married couple at this point but without the legality of it all. But, I mean... if you're not financially ready to live away from home, do you really want to be engaged and planning a wedding? It might be more prudent to just continue on with getting to know each other better and setting up life before changing relationship status.
Posted by ahstillwell[/QUOTE]

That was actually one of my criteria for getting engaged.  I told FI I didn't want to be engaged until neither of us had to live at home anymore.  He's been on his own pretty much since I've known him, but it took me a little longer.  I'm reeeaaallly glad I waited.  And I second waiting until you're out of college to at least get married (though I don't think it matters so much if you decide to get engaged in college, as long as you don't decide to plan your wedding instead of doing your homework).  Getting married is a big adjustment for most (if not all) people, and you don't want that adjusting to happen during your senior year when you're already stressed out.

nyc1210

When I was 18, I got engaged. He wasn't in any way ready, but bsc me pressured him into it. We stayed engaged for nearly two years with NO sign of getting married. Not even a tentative date. Then he became violent, so I left him. But, even before he did, I was ready to end it. Being endlessly engaged because you've pressured someone into it, is a terrible feeling. I met my now husband about a year and a half after that. And, wouldn't you know it, I tried to do the same thing with him. He sat me down and told me that I was his everything and he would marry me...on his own time. So, I put my patience patient? pants on, and we had some amazing times just dating. When he was ready, he proposed, and it was a surprise. We had a short engagement of 3 months I don't recommend it. At all. And now I'm his wife. The best part? He's been just as excited about it as I have been because we were both ready. Think of it like this: if you two were rowing a boat and he wasn't ready to row, but you were, you'd be rowing in a circle. That's basically what you're doing. Just relax. Enjoy your life. It will be here before you know it.

Beads921

Hike up those big girl panties and put your patience pants over top. That's what you should do!

But in all seriousness, just chill out. Like everyone else has said, you do not want to pressure your BF into something he doesn't want. He's made his intentions clear: He wants to finish school before getting engaged. That's completely fair. I think you'll find you enjoy your relationship more if you stop stressing over not being engaged. 

And then stop comparing your relationship to others. I used to be notorious for doing this, but it was really only hurting myself. You and your BF and your relationship are all unique. You really can't compare yourself to all those other people around your age/stage in life who are doing ____. Because you aren't them. 

I get the whole "just a boyfriend/girlfriend" thing. I felt that way around FI's Mom and her side of the family the whole time we were dating. It was totally ridiculous, and FI says I was totally wrong, but whatever. It happened, I'm over it, but I'm not proud of it. It was a waste of energy to even worry about it. 

bethsmiles

My BF and I have been together for 3 1/2 years and I've seen so many of our friends get married in that time. I'm not going to lie and say there weren't twinges of jealousy or annoyance at times but really it does no good to compare your relationship to others.

We also live 1 1/2 from each other which really sucks, so I feel your pain there.