Patience??

DisplayName

So...My SO and I have been talking about getting engaged for quite some time now (ever since I got him to stop acting like speaking about it would kill him), but no ring yet.  He's made it clear that he won't ask me until he has a steady job he's proud of, because I know he's going to ask my father for permission and wants to be able to show him that he can support us (they're both very old fashioned).  I completely understand this, and am in no rush to get engaged or married- but at this point, I'm just sick of waiting for the next step! 

We've gone so far as to pick a color scheme (which has changed a handful of times) and even have a tentative date decided on.  My question to all of you is how do you deal with the impatience?  There's nothing I can do to make this move any faster and I'm ok with that, but I hate waiting for something I want, especially when I don't know when to expect it.  Any tips on dealing with the frustration are greatly appreciated!

johnsonia

well i dont really have any tips, but i can certainly relate. im in a similar place in my relationship. we've been together for 4 1/2 yrs and living together for ab 4. we both want to get married and simply havent moved fwd on that front (ring) due to finances.

its hard for me. we've came pretty close to just doing a city hall ceremony  etc.... but i really want a traditional wedding. and if i want that i just have to wait till we're in a more stable place. its a compromise.

so i guess it almost the same. if u want ur SO to ask ur father for ur hand, and other traditional wedding things etc... you'll just have to  sit tight. it may not be ideal. i know its not for me. but i just remind myself how lucky i am to have found the person i want to be with forever. so its worth a lil wait, u know.... 

deburnin

Not planning wedding stuff would probably help...

I'm pretty sure most of the women here have patience issues at one time or another. I know that I have my days and looking at wedding stuff isn't much help. You can try finding a new hobby. Volunteering. Working out. Reading (non-wedding related materials). Enjoying your time as just being BF and GF because I've heard that wedding planning can be extremely stressful. Sure there are going to be times when you'll feel impatient. I've been with BF for over 5.5 years and there have been plenty of moments, but waiting until we're financially stable is important and, thankfully, my logical side always wins out. You just need to focus on your life now and enjoy your life with your BF.

coastiegrl25

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_patience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5511c068-9890-406f-bdce-b5791351df9fPost:2305f0e6-7aef-4ecb-aa4b-064b8067d357">Re: Patience??</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Not planning wedding stuff would probably help</strong>... I'm pretty sure most of the women here have patience issues at one time or another. I know that I have my days and looking at wedding stuff isn't much help. You can try finding a new hobby. Volunteering. Working out. Reading (non-wedding related materials). Enjoying your time as just being BF and GF because I've heard that wedding planning can be extremely stressful. Sure there are going to be times when you'll feel impatient. I've been with BF for over 5.5 years and there have been plenty of moments, but waiting until we're financially stable is important and, thankfully, my logical side always wins out. You just need to focus on your life now and enjoy your life with your BF.
Posted by deburnin[/QUOTE]

THIS. That helps tremendously, as we are all wanting that special moment to happen many of us get lost in actually just enjoying what you have NOW. Sit back and enjoy the relationship before he asks...the antincipation of it is something you won't get again.

deburnin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_patience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5511c068-9890-406f-bdce-b5791351df9fPost:1506ef6b-e80a-47e0-a2c1-440d3d0854aa">Re: Patience??</a>:
[QUOTE]I know how you feel, Hun. My Sweetheart is one of those guys that, while he knows we're the best match possible (even his family says we are peanut butter and jelly) He is painfully slow in this area. I've known the guy 4 years in Dec, but we have only been 'dating' since March and bf/gf since June. We both know it's going to happen. It's just a matter of when. He's still in the 'knee jerk reaction' stage. You know... where he gets nervous if you even mention the idea of the two of you being married, let alone making plans. :-) But... I am a GIRL. So I tend to dream and look and plan. This is what I'm doing to keep myself in check. I'm letting myself dream. <strong>I'm actively doing research for vendors and such in my area. But I'm keeping all the results, as well as my thoughts, ideas, and plans in a notebook that he doesn't get to see just yet.</strong> I have as clear a picture of what Iwant for our wedding as I've ever had and I have definate ideas as to costs. <strong>He has no idea. But once he finally proposes, I'll have a good majority of the leg work done</strong> and we can start making decisions together. Make sense? Hope that helps. :-) Just keep loving and encouraging him. And get that notebook (Mine's my favorite color pink, and has his name on it.) <strong>Let yourself dream and plan. do some practical research</strong>, but don't try to make any definate decisions. Have fun and enjoy this time.
Posted by SweettoothforPT[/QUOTE]

<div><img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/scripts/tinymce/plugins/emotions/images/smiley-undecided.gif" border="0" alt="Undecided" title="Undecided" /> Yeah, no. This is just poor advice... I look at wedding stuff, sure. My BF also knows about it. I don't keep it hidden. Let yourself dream? Sure. Plan? No. Vendors prices can change, places can go out of business. If you aren't engaged and have no idea when you will be engaged, all the "leg work" that you've done will probably be pointless. As OP has said her "wedding colors" have changed numerous times already. Also if you don't discuss things with your BF how are you going to know if he even likes any of it? Where is his input on the wedding if you already have everything planned? Looking at vendors should be something you do as a couple, IMO. </div><div>
</div><div>I'm sure most people keep ideas in the back of their head, but keeping a notebook? Yeah, I don't recommend that. Especially if you're trying to not be impatient. </div>

SopChick

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_patience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5511c068-9890-406f-bdce-b5791351df9fPost:e69af7ef-11b0-4bdd-974b-249de51aa77d">Re: Patience??</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Patience?? :  Yeah, no. This is just poor advice... I look at wedding stuff, sure. My BF also knows about it. I don't keep it hidden. Let yourself dream? Sure. Plan? No. Vendors prices can change, places can go out of business. If you aren't engaged and have no idea when you will be engaged, all the "leg work" that you've done will probably be pointless. As OP has said her "wedding colors" have changed numerous times already. Also if you don't discuss things with your BF how are you going to know if he even likes any of it? Where is his input on the wedding if you already have everything planned? Looking at vendors should be something you do as a couple, IMO.  I'm sure most people keep ideas in the back of their head, but keeping a notebook? Yeah, I don't recommend that. Especially if you're trying to not be impatient. 
Posted by deburnin[/QUOTE]

What she said.

Seriously, there will probably be days where you want to be engaged/married rightthissecond. The truth of the matter is you are together now, and you need to just enjoy where you are now in your relationship. To help with patience, I suggest taking a step back from wedding related stuff. If you're constantly looking at it, you can't help but think about it. This has been suggested on here before, and I think it's really good advice: Work on your relationship rather than a hypothetical wedding, or worrying about an engagement. It's a better use of your energy, because it will strengthen your current relationship as well as give you a more solid foundation for the future. The wedding is one day, the marriage is supposed to last for the rest of your lives.

SweettoothforPT

Each woman is different.  What I wrote is what works for me. I'm also an older woman, in comparison to most of the ladies on this site, and this would be my 2nd marriage.  I've learned enough about myself to know how to handle it when I'm really looking forward to something.

Granted, fees do change, but at least I have a ball park. Which is good, as I have a tendancy to way low ball things.

As I said, this is what works for ME. You figure out what works for you as an individual and as a couple and do that. After all... when all is said and done, it all comes down to you and him. No one else matters. :-)

PandaBurr

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_patience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5511c068-9890-406f-bdce-b5791351df9fPost:bcb74e3d-80ba-455a-91cd-84a8c0fcb8c0">Patience??</a>:
[QUOTE]<em>So...My SO and I have been talking about getting engaged for quite some time now (ever since I got him to stop acting like speaking about it would kill him), but no ring yet.
<strong>
</strong></em><strong>Sooo, who was doing the talking? Because this sounds like you pestered him about it until he told you what you wanted to hear.</strong><em><strong>

</strong></em> <em>He's made it clear that he won't ask me until he has a steady job he's proud of, because I know he's going to ask my father for permission and wants to be able to show him that he can support us (they're both very old fashioned).  I completely understand this, and am in no rush to get engaged or married- but at this point, I'm just sick of waiting for the next step!

</em><strong>If you're in no rush to get engaged or get married, what are you sick of waiting for?  That last sentence contradicts itself.</strong><em>

 We've gone so far as to pick a color scheme (which has changed a handful of times) and even have a tentative date decided on. 

</em><strong>Again, if you're in no rush, why have you picked out color schemes (several times...) and a tentative date?</strong><em>

My question to all of you is how do you deal with the impatience?  There's nothing I can do to make this move any faster and I'm ok with that, but I hate waiting for something I want, especially when I don't know when to expect it.  Any tips on dealing with the frustration are greatly appreciated!</em>
Posted by DisplayName[/QUOTE]

As PPs have said, quit planning.

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_patience?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5511c068-9890-406f-bdce-b5791351df9fPost:0da95397-dc5a-4270-ae44-1c80967eda04">Re: Patience??</a>:
[QUOTE]Each woman is different.  What I wrote is what works for me. I'm also an older woman, in comparison to most of the ladies on this site, and this would be my 2nd marriage.  I've learned enough about myself to know how to handle it when I'm really looking forward to something. Granted, fees do change, but at least I have a ball park. Which is good, as I have a tendancy to way low ball things. As I said, this is what works for ME. You figure out what works for you as an individual and as a couple and do that. After all... when all is said and done, it all comes down to you and him. No one else matters. :-)
Posted by SweettoothforPT[/QUOTE]

<div>You think it works for you now.</div><div>
</div><div>But wait til you're actually engaged, and you just want to make a decision b/c your sick of endlessly thinking about which options are best.</div><div>
</div><div>You CAN have too much of a good thing.</div><div>
</div><div>Plus, having a wedding notebook when you say your BF still panics if the M word comes up...is just crazypants.</div>

zipis1

Yeah. Don't listen to SweettoothforPT. Doing that would more than likely make things worse for you.

I definitely know how painful the wait can be. I am not a patient person and usually when I decide I want something, I get it, or at least make very concrete steps toward getting it. Something like this, however, is largely out of my hands outside of discussion and hopeful plans on timelines. So when I first realized I wanted to marry my BF, and he told me he did too, I very nearly went BSC. It was on my mind all the time. I would get upset at BF for not having proposed yet despite the fact we're nowhere near stable enough financially. I nearly robbed myself of the whole experience and also nearly convinced myself that I wanted to JOP it (I don't really). I came to my senses, but I regret that whole period.

What I had to do was stop daydreaming. Stop browsing dresses or pictures of weddings and wedding cakes. I even took a break from this board for several months. The more I did these things the more painful the wait became, so I stopped. I would not allow myself to think about it. If it popped into my mind, I'd tell myself "NO!" and immediately do something to occupy myself.

After a while of that, I calmed down. Now I'm content with waiting until we're in a better position. I have moments where I feel the itch again, but I can control it and they're short lived now.

So yes. Stop talking about. Stop planning, stop thinking about it entirely and the wait becomes much more bearable.