Not Engaged Yet
Options

Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...

Ok, a little background about myself before I get into this. My boyfriend and I are high school sweethearts - we've been together for almost 8 years (will hit the time in December before Christmas). I'm the only girlfriend that he's had and I had only one boyfriend before him and it wasn't serious at all. We do not live together - I'm out of work as the last place I worked at went out of business, and I'm staying with my parents until I can eventually get enough saved up to buy a house with him (he has been pushing to move in together, and now we've come to the agreement that since houses are at the lowest we'll probably see for a long time, it would be a better financial move to save up a bit more for a house). He is working and several months ago started making good money, so I'm really happy for him, and as a result we've been able to enjoy the dating experience a lot more than we've been used to. We have talked about our future together and I know that a ring should be coming...I'm just not sure when that is at this point. For a while I was almost sure that it would happen for our anniversary, but now I'm not so positive. My birthday lands in January and Valentine's Day soon follows, so it's not like December is the make-it-or-break-it time frame, but what I'm then dreading is...seeing his whole family again.

He has a really big and open family, and Christmas is a huge family event where you see just about everyone. I love them very much, but what makes me anxious is thinking about his uncles. They have a few drinks and start messing with you/are more open and honest. Last Christmas, one of his uncles started really making the conversation uncomfortable regarding us not being engaged. I know he was just trying to help and the family is really getting anxious about seeing us married, but it was very embarrassing and my boyfriend got very angry about feeling cornered

He likes to do things in his own time, and well, sometimes that takes a while...and the last thing I want him to do is feel rushed into getting engaged and married. I want him to do it when he is ready and wants to (though of course I don't want to wait forever either). He is 23 and I'll be 25 in January, so we are a little young, but we've been together for so long.

I'm just wondering if anyone has any good words of advice for dealing with his family this holiday season if it doesn't happen yet? I'm horrified that they might think I'm a fool and if they start saying things like, "So, when's the wedding?" one more time I think I just might loose it and flee from the whole party...

Thanks :/

Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...

  • Options
    polkadot111polkadot111 member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Okay, so here's a good starting point...

    When someone asks, "Hey! When's the wedding?" You say, "Oh, we're aren't engaged yet. Takin' our time!"

    Or when someone says, "Are you engaged?" You say, "Nope!"

    Now go enjoy your relationship as bf/gf.
    Used to be bourgehm. +1,500 posts. Silly knot
    image
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Change the subject and/or tell them to STFU about it.

    It's seriously none of their business when y'all get engaged. I think it's shiitty when people constantly harp on that (even if it's only because they care) and they need to be put in their place. Are there two people in your relationship, or is your BF's whole clan part of it too?
    PhotobucketWedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    You're being silly.  Why dread seeing his family because a few people make comments?  That's just how families are...they make comments.

    How do you deal with it?  You can be straightforward or sarcastic.  You can say "We'll get engaged when we're ready" and them bean dip them to death, or you can crack jokes.  Get creative!
    • "We'll get married when you get a better hair cut.  We don't want THAT look in the wedding pictures." 
    • "I'll let you know when I know." 
    • "As soon as a single week goes by without someone asking me when we're getting engaged." 
    • "As soon as you graduate from charm school."


    Also, I know you didn't ask for advice on this, and I know some people on here would disagree with me, but don't buy property together unless you're married.  It's just such a bad idea.  You've never even LIVED together yet, and you want to go from never cohabiting to cohabiting and OWNING the property together?

    That just has bad idea written all over it.
  • Options
    jemmini6jemmini6 member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Every time someone asked me when we were getting engaged, I'd tell them "when you stop asking".  That usually shuts people up pretty quick because they realize they are pressuring you. 

    Although, some people have no boundaries and will still ask, but you just have to ignore it and move on...it's unfortunately a part of life and won't go away when you do get engaged.
    Anniversary
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Perfect response "The wedding will be when the time is right. Obviously we havent gotten there yet. We will let you know when we are engaged, ok?! So... how's the bean dip?"
    www.nurseyk.weebly.com
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dreading-another-xmas-his-family-not-being-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56e58b1f-a46c-4c1d-8da8-badeb782071cPost:5b9eb6ed-03c1-421a-9811-af31b9774438">Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Also, I know you didn't ask for advice on this, and I know some people on here would disagree with me, but don't buy property together unless you're married.  It's just such a bad idea.  You've never even LIVED together yet, and you want to go from never cohabiting to cohabiting and OWNING the property together? That just has bad idea written all over it.
    Posted by loves2shop4shoes[/QUOTE]

    <div>Before the idea of a house came up, he kept pushing to move in (and I feared that he'd get way too comfortable and complacent and then I'd <em>never</em> see a ring or a marriage), so I told him that I'd love to move in together after we'd be engaged. If someone can't make an emotional/personal contract to me, then I wouldn't want to make a financial contract with them.</div>
  • Options
    lennonkdclennonkdc member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I know its difficult when those questions start. These ladies are wise, and as someone who has bean dipped her fair share of questioners I have the following advise:
    1) People ask out of love (mostly), however you chose to respond, know that they are asking b/c they like you and BF as a couple.
    2) It will bother you less if YOU are honest with yourself about being A-OK with where you and BF are in your relationship. If your not ok, then you need to figure out why and have a calm loving conversation with him about where you each are time line wise.
    3) In the end, When or If you two marry is none of their GD bees wax. If you and BF are happy; if you feel loved, supported and able to grow as a person in the relationship; if you are reflecting the same back to BF, then you and BF are right where you need to be, ring out not. 

    Holidays are difficult, I know, I've been there (see ticker). If the above tips fail, try red wine and pretending you didn't hear the question :)



    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    When people asked me when I was getting engaged- I told them to ask Andrew. Worked like a charm.
    LilySlim Weight loss tickers
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    I usually say, "You're asking the wrong person!" but I still hear the same questions from the same people like clockwork. >_<

    I know they mean well...I wish people could focus more on asking questions about just me instead. Being together for so long, it's like people forget that you have a separate identity from your partner.
  • Options
    csousa1csousa1 member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its Name Dropper Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011

    When people ask me, I just say, "How the hell would I know?"

  • Options
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dreading-another-xmas-his-family-not-being-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:56e58b1f-a46c-4c1d-8da8-badeb782071cPost:70db898a-34a6-4651-a478-9b1ce3fe59a6">Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]FI's aunt/uncle/cousin: "So when are you guys finally getting married?" Me: "Ask him..." Conversation ended. Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]


    So this.
    Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    Yaga I think you gave me similar advice when I posted something like this a few months back. I've been following it ever since and it totally works.
    Rampaging bears are the answer to all of our cultural missteps
  • Options
    lennonkdclennonkdc member
    First Anniversary 5 Love Its First Answer First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dreading-another-xmas-his-family-not-being-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56e58b1f-a46c-4c1d-8da8-badeb782071cPost:2132d706-938a-423a-bb53-aa25d42e28f4">Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]BF's sister got on us this weekend about it.  We had a little fun with her... (BF and I are both divorce attorneys, important part of the story) Sister:  Why aren't you married yet? Me: We haven't finalized the terms of our divorce yet. BF: Yeah, we're clear on how we'd divide assets and debts, but we can't figure out custody. (note we have no children). Sister:   You guys make me sick. Me: Seriously, once we can agree on terms, I'm sure we'll move forward. Later.... Sister:  What if M (BF's other sister, has a new boyfriend) gets engaged before you? Me: Well, I guess we'll have another wedding to attend.
    Posted by polo1425[/QUOTE]

    <div>
    </div><div>LOL, Love both responses. </div><div>
    </div><div>OP- People, esp his family, might not know enough about you personally to ask, so tell them. If they ask 'so when's the wedding?' you can reply, "well, I'm going back to school for such and such, so I'm just really focused in that right now." Subject changed, and now they know what you are doing with your life :)</div>



    Wedding Countdown Ticker
  • Options
    elanniselannis member
    First Anniversary Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    I like everyones' answers to throw them off or tell them to knock it off, but you also have to remember that you're bf/gf now and so they ask when you're getting engaged. When you're engaged they will ask you when the wedding is. When you're married, they will ask you when you're going to have a baby. They can't seem to help it, so you just have to deal or be firm with them. BTW, that was advice I heard a couple weeks back, but can't remember who said it.
    -Ely

    Daisypath Wedding tickers
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    OH FOR THE LOVE OF--

    image 170 Invited (holy crap!)

    image 98 are coming to party!

    image 29 have other plans

    image 43 need to respond!

    Daisypath Wedding tickers

    "Bside - You're just too sexy for your own good" ~ leia1979

    "True love = I still love you even though we hang out all the time and most other people would be tired of each other already" ~ flygirlmeg
  • Options
    paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    elannis FTW.

    I tend to go with, "Why buy the pig if I'm getting the sausage for free?"
  • Options
    alanna91alanna91 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    Don't mean to thread jack, but both shoes and Liv used the term "bean dip". I tried Googling it and only got recieps for bean dip. What on earth does that mean?

    White Knot
  • Options
    ravenrayravenray member
    5 Love Its Name Dropper First Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dreading-another-xmas-his-family-not-being-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56e58b1f-a46c-4c1d-8da8-badeb782071cPost:82295dba-5671-4289-91ce-c319b6f72a7c">Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Don't mean to thread jack, but both shoes and Liv used the term "bean dip". I tried Googling it and only got recieps for bean dip. What on earth does that mean?
    Posted by alanna91[/QUOTE]
    Change the subject.  Basicly if they ask you about marriage you say "when he asks, have you tried the bean dip?" 
    "Love is not affectionate feeling, but a steady wish for the loved person's ultimate good as far as it can be obtained"-C.S. Lewis

    Married! May 27th, 2012

  • Options
    caitlin.cavecaitlin.cave member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    "When are you guys getting marrriiiieeeedddd?"

    "Haven't decided. Heeeeyyyy, have you tried this bean dip?"
  • Options
    PaigeMcCPaigeMcC member
    Combo Breaker First Comment
    edited December 2011
    "None of your business."

    "Popular on the internetz..."
    image

    Canada is kind of like a whole other world with new things to discover that us americans only dream of. - Narwhal
    Paige I would like to profess my love for you and your brilliant mind. - breezerb
    Murried Bio
  • Options
    alanna91alanna91 member
    First Comment
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dreading-another-xmas-his-family-not-being-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56e58b1f-a46c-4c1d-8da8-badeb782071cPost:8f46316e-e664-4403-bac1-8b9a6b6064c2">Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]In Response to Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet... : Change the subject.  Basicly if they ask you about marriage you say "when he asks, have you tried the bean dip?" 
    Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

    Haha, okay gotcha. I like that term!
    White Knot
  • Options
    paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dreading-another-xmas-his-family-not-being-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:56e58b1f-a46c-4c1d-8da8-badeb782071cPost:e386bcd8-3377-41b0-b180-c62470735cb1">Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]Hey Paint?  I like you. I hope you stick around more!
    Posted by polo1425[/QUOTE]

    Hey, it works. It works especially well with old women, for some reason.
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dreading-another-xmas-his-family-not-being-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56e58b1f-a46c-4c1d-8da8-badeb782071cPost:38ba66bb-6faf-47bd-9547-f66715464e36">Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]elannis FTW. I tend to go with, "Why buy the pig if I'm getting the sausage for free?"
    Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

    <div>NICE!</div>
  • Options
    paintgirlpaintgirl member
    First Comment First Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    Seriously Miss, I feel you on this. I get it all.the.time. I just roll with it. It's annoying but come up with a few snappy comments and you'll feel better about it. :)
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_dreading-another-xmas-his-family-not-being-engaged-yet?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:56e58b1f-a46c-4c1d-8da8-badeb782071cPost:e15f34d8-ed73-4f3f-b9a5-c9b7e2f1afec">Re: Dreading another Xmas with his family and not being engaged yet...</a>:
    [QUOTE]I like everyones' answers to throw them off or tell them to knock it off, but you also have to remember that you're bf/gf now and so they ask when you're getting engaged. When you're engaged they will ask you when the wedding is. When you're married, they will ask you when you're going to have a baby. They can't seem to help it, so you just have to deal or be firm with them. BTW, that was advice I heard a couple weeks back, but can't remember who said it.
    Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>Point taken. My best friend got married a while ago and within 1-2 months her parents started asking when the baby was coming. (And I hope she doesn't rush that considering how strapped for funds she and her husband are.)</div><div>
    </div><div>
    </div><div>I do wonder why the woman is always asked these questions. I mean, men get it too sometimes but not <em>nearly</em> as much.

    </div>
  • Options
    edited December 2011
    It used to not be so hard to hear the questions over and over...just that last Christmas was really awkward. I felt so put on the spot because it wasn't just a casual question like normal - it was like a panel question put out into the open and suddenly the whole family was looking at me expectantly and I was supposed to be the guest speaker. Maybe I need to avoid sitting on any couches...or the living room entirely.
This discussion has been closed.
Choose Another Board
Search Boards