The proposal: shouldn't we do something for him?

msk1982

I am so curious about this subject and why it's never been brought up before that I had to register just to post this...

I know my proposal is coming any day. What I go to thinking about was this, with all the work he is putting into the proposal, doesn't it seem only fair and right that I do something for him? We say that the "prize" is us, but really, we get him as the prize too, right?

I mean, I was thinking, times have changed, right? Like many couples, we make a similar amount of money... yet he has to shell out all the cash for the engagement ring that *I* want. He has to go through all the trouble of secretly figuring out my ring size (which I know he did), he has to spend all this time coming up with this big plan, and all the fear and nervousness of executing it, he has to seek the blessing of my parents (which I know they will give, but for him it will be just as nervewracking as the actual proposal!)

Then I pictured myself basically taking cell phone pix of the ring and shrieking, prob a lot of crying (heh), etc.

Now I know he will enjoy just seeing the tears of joy on my face and all, no doubt about it. Still, something about it doesn't sound fair to me... he's doing a lot, doesn't he deserve something special as well?

Fortunately my man is a one woman type of guy that is very dedicated to me... and I know he is about to give me what I long for.. all the signs are there. But at the same time, I've got to thinking, you know when we complain about men not being willing to take "the next step"?

Well, if you think about it, is it really any surprise? I mean, all we are asking him to do is: shell out thousands for a rock, make a "perfect" proposal speech, possibly pay for some kind of situation to set it up (like a fancy dinner or a stay at a bed and breakfast), and by the way all this comes with no guarantee of success and all the nerves he has to endure. When I think about it, if I were a guy I would probably delay proposing for awhile too!! LOL

So what, if anything, did you do for your man as an expression of gratitude for all the work (and money and research, etc) he put into the proposal process...?

Also, do you agree with me that more should be done? How can we go about changing the culture around this so it is more friendly to the guys...

(One related question, less important) I don't know where he's going to pop the question, but I know it will be in a more private atmosphere (he knows I wouldn't want a crowd around). Yet when I think about it, besides saying "ABSOLUTELY!" and sorta standing there in tears... what usually comes next...?

Like, I've read articles about "what to do immediately after the proposal" and the first thing they would say is stuff like "set a date", but there's no way I will have enough composure to be even thinking about something like that! It seems like an awkward moment actually, I think I will be totally speechless for an hour!

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_proposal-shouldnt-something-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:582ed825-cafc-4a0f-94ba-715192304facPost:546e6c17-b719-4e3a-a492-f9319b10ed6d">The proposal: shouldn't we do something for him?</a>:
[QUOTE]I am so curious about this subject and why it's never been brought up before that I had to register just to post this... I know my proposal is coming any day. What I go to thinking about was this, with all the work he is putting into the proposal, doesn't it seem only fair and right that I do something for him?

<strong>Actually this has come up before. I know that Cate is giving her BF a watch when he proposes (and some of the other girls are planning to do the same or something similar) and some of the other girls on here gave their FI/Hs gifts when they proposed.</strong>

We say that the "prize" is us, but really, we get him as the prize too, right?

<strong>I in no way consider myself a prize. I consider myself an adult who is choosing to spend a lifetime with a man she loves and who loves her and we as couple would like to share our love and commitment with our loved ones on our eventual wedding day. Neither of us are a prize.</strong>

I mean, I was thinking, times have changed, right? Like many couples, we make a similar amount of money... yet he has to shell out all the cash for the engagement ring that *I* want. He has to go through all the trouble of secretly figuring out my ring size (which I know he did), he has to spend all this time coming up with this big plan, and all the fear and nervousness of executing it, he has to seek the blessing of my parents (which I know they will give, but for him it will be just as nervewracking as the actual proposal!)

<strong>My BF is not required to do any of that. He wants to but he knows that a ring and big speech or anything else is not required. </strong>

Then I pictured myself basically taking cell phone pix of the ring and shrieking, prob a lot of crying (heh), etc. Now I know he will enjoy just seeing the tears of joy on my face and all, no doubt about it. Still, something about it doesn't sound fair to me... he's doing a lot, doesn't he deserve something special as well? Fortunately my man is a one woman type of guy that is very dedicated to me... and I know he is about to give me what I long for.. all the signs are there. But at the same time, I've got to thinking, you know when we complain about men not being willing to take "the next step"? Well, if you think about it, is it really any surprise? I mean, all we are asking him to do is: shell out thousands for a rock, make a "perfect" proposal speech, possibly pay for some kind of situation to set it up (like a fancy dinner or a stay at a bed and breakfast), and by the way all this comes with no guarantee of success and all the nerves he has to endure. When I think about it, if I were a guy I would probably delay proposing for awhile too!!

<strong>I am not asking my man to spend thousands on an engagement ring, in fact I've specifically asked him to stay under $1,000 but even if your BF is spending more it should be a budget that he is comfortable with that won't put him in any debt. The reason my BF hasn't proposed yet is because it's not the right time for us to be engaged yet not because I nag him about taking the next step. </strong>

LOL So what, if anything, did you do for your man as an expression of gratitude for all the work (and money and research, etc) he put into the proposal process...? Also, do you agree with me that more should be done? How can we go about changing the culture around this so it is more friendly to the guys...

<strong>I'm not doing anything extra for my BF when he proposes. I've asked him if he wants me to and he said no and I'm going to respect that.</strong>

(One related question, less important) I don't know where he's going to pop the question, but I know it will be in a more private atmosphere (he knows I wouldn't want a crowd around). Yet when I think about it, besides saying "ABSOLUTELY!" and sorta standing there in tears... what usually comes next...? Like, I've read articles about "what to do immediately after the proposal" and the first thing they would say is stuff like "set a date", but there's no way I will have enough composure to be even thinking about something like that! It seems like an awkward moment actually, I think I will be totally speechless for an hour!

<strong>All you need to do right after the proposal is enjoy being engaged.  I'm not engaged yet but I'm sure the girls who are will tell you their experience but IMHO there is no required steps for right after the proposal, everything will just flow naturally. You might want to postpone telling people right away and just enjoy your new, exciting news or you might want to let everyone know right away. Either way, once you are in that situation you will do whatever you feel like you should do and there is no right or wrong answer to that question.</strong>
Posted by msk1982[/QUOTE]

ki10

I dunno what you mean by "has". "Feels like he has to" I guess. You could've tried telling him to relax, but I guess communication isn't on the priority list there.

Immediate reciprocation: affection. Guy deserves a hug for all his work.

After that, it's getting quite common to give him some sort of sexy manly gift, similar to traditional wedding gifts, like cuff links or a nice watch.

Personally, we're both doing proposals with the whole nervous setup and (reasonably priced) e-rings, though of course one of us gets to be a lot less nervous.

eeeriddler08

I don't feel like he has to do anything excessive, and he knows that he doesn't have to. I told him that when he is ready to propose to not spend to much on a ring because it isn't in our budget, so it'll be a small ring that maybe someday we'll upgrade, maybe not. The ring is of little importance, it's the fact that it is a symbol of a proposed lifelong commitment that makes it important. As for what I'll get him, I will probably buy him something, I'm not sure what though because he doesn't wear watches or jewelry of any kind, and very rarely dresses up. Regardless, me and FH talked about it and have come to conclusions about expectations so that there is no need for him to be nervous about anything or go crazy on the ring.

DanieKA

Honestly, and I'm probably in the minority here, I haven't thought about getting my BF anything when/if he proposes. And I probably won't.

I'm kind of in the mind set that all this "wedding stuff" is spiraling out of control. Elaborate proposals, engagement gifts for him, gifts on the wedding day from her to him, and him to her, honeymoons...I'm not against a vacation or travel by any means, but what is the point of a honeymoon? I could easily google this, but I'm in the middle of writing and don't want to lose my train of thought.

I just want to remember the point of why he's proposing in the first place and why we are getting married and not get caught up in this very, very modern idea that every moment needs to be accompanied by a gift.

When (if) he proposes (with or without a ring), the gift to me is that he is expressing an intention to make me his wife and life partner. When (if) I say yes, it's my promise that I want and intend the same, to make him my husband, that I will give back.

When we get married it'll be the fulfillment of that promise to each other, which is way better than any gift he could buy me or I could buy him. 

I just think people are starting to get lost in all this STUFF. the engagement ring, gifts back and forth and back and forth, ad nauseam. And then you get caught up in that stuff and it creates a whole lotta stress. Is he gonna like this, is this the perfect gift? Getting disappointed when a symbol of that commitment, the ring, or the gift the day of the wedding, or the honeymoon, or the wedding venue isn't good enough, or big enough, or right in some way. 

I guess I would say, get your fiance something if you want to. But my advice would always, always, always be to keep it simple. When's the last time you sat down, and said with words or a letter, not just stuff, what it really means to be with your SO? Not, "Here's a watch, I love you! KTHX!" 

My favorites "things" my boyfriend has ever given me has been his words. His expressions of what I mean to him. I remember them and feel them far more deeply than anything he's ever bought me.

loves2shop4shoes

What to do after you get engaged:  Laugh, cry, hug your FI, kiss your FI, call your family, be on cloud 9.  Trust me, this ZOMG I'M SO FLIPPIN EXCITED mood will last a WHILE.

[Deleted User]

I agree with DanieKA - it's not about the "stuff".

Am I excited about the ring, the wedding, the honeymoon, etc.? Of course. Would I still want to be with my guy if all that was not a possibility? Absolutely, no doubt about it.

I think it is sweet that some girls want to give their guy something during their engagement, but I don't think it's necessary. Not because I'm the "prize" (I really dislike that view), but because what a guy is really hoping for is that the woman he wants to spend the rest of his life with wants to spend the rest of her life with him too. I won't be breaking down crying when my guy proposes because he got me the ring I always wanted - it will be because he picked me, and in that moment he declared that I'm the one he wants to build a life with. Hopefully the fact that I reciprocate his feelings will mean more to him than any watch or cufflinks ever would.

jeanacorina

This has come up before, quite a few times. Maybe not in the last 2 weeks, I guess.

I got my DH an XBox 360 when he proposed. And I married him. He's thrilled.

calindi

As Beth pointed out, we have talked about this before.  Musix proposed to her FI with a watch, and I also plan to give my guy a watch after he proposes.  It's not just a gift for me - I actually want to propose, as well.  I figure he gets to ask me to spend the rest of my life with him - I want to ask him for the honor of spending his life with me.

This was my own answer to my feminist discomfort with the unequal idea of a man asking permission, then 'buying' a wife with a piece of jewelry.  Don't get me wrong, I still want my sparkly.  But we talked about it, and having me propose to him with an heirloom that he can likewise pass down to future generations as I plan to pass down my ring means a lot to us.

He also asked my parents for their blessing in front of me.  And I asked his parents for their blessing while he was on the phone.  So really, we're doing this together.  Start to finish.  He doesn't want to call us "engaged" until he gets a chance to buy the ring and have his proposal moment, but the decision to get married has already been made, and we're ridiculously happy as we start to plan out the day we will marry each other, as teammates, partners, and equals.

LizzyTish88

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_proposal-shouldnt-something-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:582ed825-cafc-4a0f-94ba-715192304facPost:ead5e2b6-bdf7-46f8-a4ef-79c46e50fc65">Re: The proposal: shouldn't we do something for him?</a>:
[QUOTE]Honestly, and I'm probably in the minority here, I haven't thought about getting my BF anything when/if he proposes. And I probably won't. I'm kind of in the mind set that all this "wedding stuff" is spiraling out of control. Elaborate proposals, engagement gifts for him, gifts on the wedding day from her to him, and him to her, honeymoons...I'm not against a vacation or travel by any means, but what is the point of a honeymoon? I could easily google this, but I'm in the middle of writing and don't want to lose my train of thought.<strong> I just want to remember the point of why he's proposing in the first place and why we are getting married and not get caught up in this very, very modern idea that every moment needs to be accompanied by a</strong> <strong>gift.</strong>When (if) he proposes (with or without a ring), the gift to me is that he is expressing an intention to make me his wife and life partner. When (if) I say yes, it's my promise that I want and intend the same, to make him my husband, that I will give back. When we get married it'll be the fulfillment of that promise to each other, which is way better than any gift he could buy me or I could buy him.  I just think people are starting to get lost in all this STUFF. the engagement ring, gifts back and forth and back and forth, ad nauseam. And then you get caught up in that stuff and it creates a whole lotta stress. Is he gonna like this, is this the perfect gift? Getting disappointed when a symbol of that commitment, the ring, or the gift the day of the wedding, or the honeymoon, or the wedding venue isn't good enough, or big enough, or right in some way.  I guess I would say, get your fiance something if you want to. But my advice would always, always, always be to keep it simple. <strong>When's the last time you sat down, and said with words or a letter, not just stuff, what it really means to be with your SO? Not, "Here's a watch, I love you! KTHX!"  My favorites "things" my boyfriend has ever given me has been his words. His expressions of what I mean to him. I remember them and feel them far more deeply than anything he's ever bought me.
</strong>Posted by DanieKA[/QUOTE]

Okay as one of the girls who is THINKING about getting a watch for her BF when he becomes FI I feel I have to clarify. It is something that BF and I sat down and talked about. I don't in any way feel that I have to buy him something to show my love for him, in the same way that I don't think he HAS to buy a ring to show his love for me. I'm not just giving a gift, He told me that he wanted a watch. I explained that some girls I know were giving their FI watches when they propose. BF thought it was a great idea and we decided together that we would. It won't be the end of the world if I don't get him anything, and our relationship is not going to end.

It's really rubbing me the wrong way as to how you wrote "Here's a watch, love you! KTHX. It was something that we decided as a couple was something that we wanted to do. I am not going to go around telling people that they need to do it too.

I feel that it's the same when it comes to a ring. Some people feel they need a ring to be engaged. That's they prerogative. BF and I have decided TOGETHER that we both feel a ring is necessary to be engaged. However I have to agree with Allusive that me buying him a ring in return is not NECESSARY, but something that I personally want to do for him. It has nothing to do with the fact that it is a ring, or a crown, it is something that I decided I want to do and I don't see anything wrong with it.

DanieKA

I don't remember telling OP or anyone else, "No. Don't do that. Do this instead." I never would and I apologize if it came off like that. A meaningful gift is always a welcome one. Especially when thought out and agreed upon together. I especially like the heirloom idea, as I've gotten a few things from my mother (not wedding related) that I cherish. I just think, in my personal opinion, not judging anyone, that if OP wants to give a watch, that's great! But do it for a meaningful reason. Give it to him as you propose to him. Or give it to him because you love him and it's an "I love you! Yay it's also Thursday!" gift. Not just to reciprocate the "gift giving during engagement" process. Because to me, there's no meaning behind that. There is a very personal meaning to everyone else's example above. KWIM? Anyway, I'm sorry again if it came off as "don't do that, do this!"

SeaTea02

You can't change society, you can only change your own actions. Get him a gift if you want to. 

sunnydays630

I gave my FI two cases of his favorite beer and two seasons of his favorite show (Guiness and Mad Men, respectively). We looked at the engagement ring as a mutual investment in our future, not as a gift for me. I got him the beer and DVDs because he spent so many extra hours at work to buy me the ring of my dreams. I felt that he needed to relax and take some time for himself. 

After we got engaged, I gave him a huge hug and kiss, took a crap ton of pictures and called my family. 

Simply Fated

If he wants to get me a ring, he can, I'm not going to stop him. But I don't feel I have to reciprocate every time he buys me something. I don't really see the logic in that.

I'm not asking him to shell out thousands of dollars, make a speech or even make a huge event out of it. That's all his choice if he wants to do any of that. He knows me well enough to know that all he has to do is ask, no pressure or jewelry required.
He also doesn't even have to research what my ring size is. Unless you count asking me, "What is your ring size?" as research.
Anything "extra" he chooses to do is his choice. I'll be grateful for it, but I think by me saying yes, is enough, no? I mean, isn't that the whole point of him asking me.. for us to get married? He isn't asking me to marry him in hopes that I buy him something.

calindi

The true feminist view point is why have a proposal at all, why involve items of value in the process to make it seem more like a transaction.  If you are both two equals, then simply make the decision together and move forward.  No big dramatic shows or pieces of jewelry necessary.

That's the true egalitarian perspective.

Simply Fated

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_proposal-shouldnt-something-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:582ed825-cafc-4a0f-94ba-715192304facPost:74b7140e-baf4-4e6b-b9b1-ff748494d357">Re: The proposal: shouldn't we do something for him?</a>:
[QUOTE]The true feminist view point is why have a proposal at all, why involve items of value in the process to make it seem more like a transaction.  If you are both two equals, then simply make the decision together and move forward.  No big dramatic shows or pieces of jewelry necessary. That's the true egalitarian perspective.
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]
I agree with this more than I agree with, "well he bought me something so now I feel obligated to buy him something in return..."

Gifts like that should be from the heart and not, "Thank you for buying me a diamond ring, here's a -whatever- for you so we can be even!"

peekaboo2011

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_proposal-shouldnt-something-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:582ed825-cafc-4a0f-94ba-715192304facPost:c43a236a-6f56-4f4f-b080-3699833131ba">Re: The proposal: shouldn't we do something for him?</a>:
[QUOTE]This has come up before, quite a few times. Maybe not in the last 2 weeks, I guess. I got my DH an XBox 360 when he proposed. And I married him. He's thrilled.
Posted by jeanacorina[/QUOTE]

*makes mental note*.  BF has been eyeing that one for a while.  And has video game ADD.

My initial point here was, well, we're both broke, and probably will be for the next few years.  Hooray education!  So, in order to make the proposal work, we'll be giving up a lot to save the money.  If he were to propose tomorrow, would I buy him a gift?  Probably not.  Would I buy him one before we get started planning?  Absolutely.  Kind of as a "Holy cow I love my ring, and here's something to keep your patience when I get crazy as we plan this thing."  But that's kind of how we would work.  The man has the patience of a saint, but his best friend claims I'm going to go bridezilla.  I doubt it, but just to be on the safe side...

musikbx

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_proposal-shouldnt-something-him?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:582ed825-cafc-4a0f-94ba-715192304facPost:c499c7d9-c8c9-4709-9514-b5895175c6e4">Re: The proposal: shouldn't we do something for him?</a>:
[QUOTE]I gave FI an iPad.
Posted by sunbird627[/QUOTE]

Win!

katanne9

I said yes.

You're welcome husband.

Muahahahha ; )

[Deleted User]

Bf and I decided that we would each pay for half of the engagement ring, or that I would buy him something super nice.  I have also told him that I do not want anything expensive and don't care about getting diamonds.  I feel that spending a lot on an engagement ring is unnecessary and it's money that can be used to save up for a wedding or house.  He is very adamant on getting me a ring, so I can't tell him not to get me one.

This topic depends on the person though.  Some people believe that only the guy should spend money on an engagement ring.  Being an entomologist (or just spending way too much time around entomologists) I like to think of an engagement ring as a spermatophore. 

dancinditzcoley

My FI spent six months (that i was aware of, so im sure things went on beforehand) planning our proposal.
He took me on a Disney cruise and proposed as soon as we got to our room.
Even though I knew it was coming it was still an amazing moment.
One I'm really sad has passed. Don't worry about setting a date etc.
Enjoy it, cry, yell, scream, etc.
Then we did the cell phone pic and made the phone calls before the ship left port and the charges were sky high lol.
After that we went and had drinks and continued on with our cruise and celebrated over dinner.

If you don't have any pics of the propsal, my one thought was wanting to recreate it, so my FI and I did in front of Cinderella's Castle.

I didn't get him anything extra, honestly it never crossed my mind. I went above and beyond for Christmas this year and we enjoyed the trip together.

My ring is something I never even dreamed of and I love it, but it was never about that for me. I'm just happy to be with FI