Not Engaged Yet

When Family Starts Planning Your Wedding

Ok, I love my family.  My family knows SO and I have been looking at rings as does his family (which is part of the reason they are coming to meet my family from half way across the world in a month).  So mom recently asked me: "So what happens after he buys the ring but before he asks you?  I mean do we just wait around then before we can talk about wedding stuff?"  To which I replied, "Yes, that is exactly what it means."  She didn't like that answer.  Le, sigh. 

My sister already told me that her husband needs to be in the wedding party too because she needs him to walk her down the aisle as my matron of honor.  Le, sigh again.  I just replied to that "no planning and no promises".  What I wanted to say (and guess I might have to) is that, first of all, I am NOT telling SO who needs to be in his wedding party (that is his choice).  Second of all, it is a friggen 10 second walk people!  I'm actually really enjoying using the "no planning" line because I know my family (again, I love them...repeat, repeat, repeat) will go crazy once I'm engaged.  

Anyone else have families more BSC about wedding planning than you?  For those of you engaged/married, what did you do to mitigate it when you actually get engaged?  For those of you not engaged, what advice might you have to mitigate the drama?   

Re: When Family Starts Planning Your Wedding

  • eirwyneirwyn member
    100 Comments
    Mine do this constantly. "Where are you going to have the wedding?" "What time of year do you think it will be?" "How many people are you thinking of inviting?" "Are you going to have your cousin do the photography?"

    I tell them to chill out, since we aren't even engaged yet. I also give them THE LOOK when they start doing it in front of my BF. Mostly, I try to say, "It's pointless to discuss this. We aren't engaged," and then change the subject.

    You're doing a good job deflecting. Just keep at the, "We haven't started planning yet. We'll let you know when we make a decision." Hopefully, they'll tire of it soon.
  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 Washington, DC member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    "Have you tried the bean dip?"
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-family-starts-planning-your-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:583e26e9-b187-4c01-9662-932fa574d8e4Post:def3bb23-e977-408a-8948-eab06dd133f1">Re: When Family Starts Planning Your Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]"Have you tried the bean dip?"
    Posted by peekaboo2011[/QUOTE]

    LOL.  Mmmm, bean dip. 

    Too bad all my family members are like a dog with a bone (or a young toddler with a repeat of "why?" "but why?" "why?) once a subject comes up. 

    Evasive action to question asked = question asked again and again and again. 
  • I haven't had to deal with that, but it sounds sucky. I appreciate that you're standing strong. Can you be upfront with them and say, "I'm glad you're so excited for us, but I would like you to respect my wishes not to start any sort of planning until after we're engaged"?

  • My family was more anxious for us to get engaged in general than the actual details of the wedding itself, but it was still annoying.  Just a word of caution, it doesn't stop there.  The second we got married, everyone started asking about kids....

    As irritating as it is, I think you are handling it the best way you can.  Just keep saying "I'm waiting until we are engaged to start thinking about the wedding, but I'll keep that in mind."  Rinse and repeat as necessary.
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  • I didn't have to deal with this, or at least not that I can really remember. I did have a few co-workers ask when FI was going to propose, but nothing too bad. I guess I got lucky. :)
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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-family-starts-planning-your-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:583e26e9-b187-4c01-9662-932fa574d8e4Post:9ec4eaba-c98a-4249-9e68-560c692a4fba">Re: When Family Starts Planning Your Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]I haven't had to deal with that, but it sounds sucky. I appreciate that you're standing strong. Can you be upfront with them and say, "I'm glad you're so excited for us, but I would like you to respect my wishes not to start any sort of planning until after we're engaged"?
    Posted by leia1979[/QUOTE]

    Yeah, that is similar to what I've been saying....sometimes it works, sometimes it doesn't. 

    I'm also really nervous about how to deal with all the drama once I actually do get engaged and can't hide behind the "I'm not engaged yet and don't need to plan" shield.   

    I am very much enjoying being in love, truly enjoying my time with SO as GF and BF, looking forward to a future with SO as a mate, etc. but, when it comes to wedding stuff, I feel like a train is leaving the station at full speed and is about to run me over.  

     
  • I hear you.  My mother does this.  Mother's day weekend we went to a cute little wine shop in my home town, where my mother pointed out it would be a great place for my engagement party.  I politely pointed out my naked left ring finger and told her she was a little ahead of the game.  She also emails me potential wedding venues. She really wants me married off.

    If you're family is similar to mine, then they I would like to think most of the craziness is because they are so happy you found someone that makes you so happy and they love you.  Its annoying but you're handling it well. 
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  • kaitlynmichellekaitlynmichelle British Columbia member
    Fifth Anniversary 500 Love Its 1000 Comments Name Dropper
    BF's mom has literally already decided where she wants us to get married.  Almost every time I talk to her she asks when a proposal is coming.  Sometimes it drives me nuts, sometimes it makes me feel great that she's so excited to have me as a DIL.  

    Change the subject, tell them you aren't comfortable discussing wedding plans when you aren't engaged, do whatever you need to.  But the questions will never end as the other ladies said.  Once you're engaged, they'll really want to discuss a wedding. Once you are married, they'll want to know when you are having kids.  I'm already getting questioned about kids, and I'm nowhere near ready for that.


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  • In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-family-starts-planning-your-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:583e26e9-b187-4c01-9662-932fa574d8e4Post:cc724e32-5b19-4fe7-a2b0-a3c9fbf6e894">Re: When Family Starts Planning Your Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]  Just a word of caution, it doesn't stop there.  The second we got married, everyone started asking about kids....
    Posted by jemmini6[/QUOTE]

    Oh Lord, really?  It is so funny because my family has always been "involved" in my life as far as wanting to know what was going on with me/how I was doing/etc. but has never really been <em><strong>this</strong></em> demanding before.  I've always been self-sufficient (financially, emotionally, etc.) and, if anything, they've leaned on me (financially, emotionally, etc.) more than I've leaned on them.  

    To be clear, I do not want my family to pay for a wedding (they paid for my sister's but she couldn't really afford one on her own) because SO and I can afford it on our own (if it is a reasonable wedding, which it will have to be), so at least I don't have to deal with the purse-string demands.  They haven't offered to pay (in fact my family told me they couldn't...I promptly told them they shouldn't).  Doesn't seem to stop the demands though.     
  • Suzie and Kaitlyn- Sorry you are going through something similar but nice to know I'm not alone.  I know they are excited for me and their hearts are in the right place.  My mom has already pointed out venues too. 
  • thejucheideathejucheidea East Nashville, Tennessee member
    Tenth Anniversary 2500 Comments 500 Love Its First Answer
    Both of our families are just very anxious for us to get engaged. I don't see his family getting overbearing with planning, but I know that my mom and maternal grandmother are going to be nightmares. It's not something I'm looking forward to at all.

  • You need to just stay firm. Any waffling on your part or leaving any room for misinterpretation is only going to lead to continued questions. You also need to practice now, b/c you are absolutely right that it will only continue once you're engaged. 

    "We are not planning anything right now. Please respect our wishes and stop asking."

    "Thank you for your interest, but we're not at that point yet."

    And when it does come time to make decisions, same thing: "Thanks for your opinion, but we will be doing what is most meaningful for us, and we'd appreciate if you would respect our wishes."

    "This is the decision we've made. While we appreciate your input, this is a final decision."

    "I'm sorry. We can't make everyone happy, so this is what we have decided to do."

    REMEMBER -- You do not have to engage in any debate or explanations! Just repeat firm but polite phrases like those above until they shut up. 

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  • SwazzleSwazzle New Jersey member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_when-family-starts-planning-your-wedding?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:583e26e9-b187-4c01-9662-932fa574d8e4Post:f3600da1-912a-4afb-aee6-06f2b29190c3">Re: When Family Starts Planning Your Wedding</a>:
    [QUOTE]You need to just stay firm. Any waffling on your part or leaving any room for misinterpretation is only going to lead to continued questions. You also need to practice now, b/c you are absolutely right that it will only continue once you're engaged.  "We are not planning anything right now. Please respect our wishes and stop asking." "Thank you for your interest, but we're not at that point yet." And when it does come time to make decisions, same thing: "Thanks for your opinion, but we will be doing what is most meaningful for us, and we'd appreciate if you would respect our wishes." "This is the decision we've made. While we appreciate your input, this is a final decision." "I'm sorry. We can't make everyone happy, so this is what we have decided to do." REMEMBER -- You do not have to engage in any debate or explanations! Just repeat firm but polite phrases like those above until they shut up. 
    Posted by desertsun[/QUOTE]<div>
    </div><div>I miss you.

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