Not Engaged Yet

What are your thoughts

I saw this topic on another board on TK & thought it was really interesting plus NEY is really quiet so far this morning so I figured I'd ask you ladies....

What are your thoughts/beliefs on your bf asking your parents for permission or their blessing before proposing?

If you're already engaged/married did your FI/H do this?

What if he didn't/doesn't?  



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Re: What are your thoughts

  • peekaboo2011peekaboo2011 member
    Knottie Warrior 5000 Comments 250 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    FI asked my dad. But we talked about the possibility of him saying no beforehand, and we decided that no matter what the answer was, we were going ahead with our plans. FI just wanted to go through the formalities...which has endeared him to my super protective not quite relatives :)
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  • polkadot111polkadot111 member
    1000 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I don't think it is NEEDED, however I think it's a nice gesture.
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  • edited December 2011
    It's an old-fashioned tradition that I actually like (since I'm not much on traditional things in general). BF says he definitely plans to ask my dad out of respect - even though he knows dad will say yes.  And I love that he's going to do that!
  • edited December 2011

    I never brought it up to BF but he said on his own that he would ask my Dad. I think it is a very nice gesture and I know my parents will appreciate it. If he didn't ask I don't think anyone would be too upset but it is a nice sign of respect.
    I know many people don't have a good relationship with their dad/parents and would never want their SO to ask and think that because they are an adult living on their own that it's silly to ask someone else's 'permission'. I totally understand that point of view but for me it's something I would like BF to do.

     




  • edited December 2011
    In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_thoughts-9?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5868c8e0-5ec6-496f-9059-ab6ecd0eb86bPost:e7d0d522-7007-41d5-ae15-90e129b452a5">Re: What are your thoughts</a>:
    [QUOTE]I don't think it is NEEDED, however I think it's a nice gesture.
    Posted by polkadot111[/QUOTE]

    This.

    BF is very traditional, so I knew he would ask for my mom's blessing. We're NEY, but I know he's asked her already! Anywho...I think it's up to the couple to decide what's important to them.
  • edited December 2011
    I've always assumed it's something that would be really important to my dad, since he's big on traditions (and I'm a daddy's girl). So I'll be thrilled if my BF asks him, but I wouldn't be upset if he didn't. In a way, it doesn't really feel like our style as a couple. Also, I'm sure my dad would understand if he wasn't asked, since he didn't ask his FFIL (impulsively proposed on the third date).

    Basically, I think it depends on the couple.
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  • SKP82SKP82 member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    I think it really depends on the relationship you have with your parents.  My BF is very close to his family, so to him, there was no question that he would ask.  For me, I am not close to my father, so it would have been a bit insulting to me for him to ask my father something like that (because he has nothing to do with my life).

    We spoke about it and I told him how I felt.  Since then, many things have happened with my family for him to see how our relationship really is, and I doubt he would give my father that privilege.

    So, in summary, because I am not close to my family, I would not want him to ask my family's blessing/permission.

    But, I do think it's a nice gesture if the soon-to-be bride is close to her family for the BF to ask the family's blessing, but not their permission.
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  • Hazel_BHazel_B member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I agree that it would be nice but not necessary.

    I also have a huge problem with asking permission, blessing is fine though.

    That being said, I don't think FI asked my parents at all. It doesn't bother me, but maybe it bothers my dad...we've never discussed it. Based on his enthusiasm for wedding planning, I doubt it bothers him much.
  • heyimbrenheyimbren member
    2500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I really don't care one way or the other.

    However, BF would not ask my father as I have 0 relationship with him. My papa (grandpa) raised me like his own so he would probably go to him if he did. I think BF is too shy to do this though.

    I do think it would mean so much to my papa though. His only daughter (my mom) didn't really do things the way he would have liked, and I think the whole father of the bride experience is something he really feels he missed out on. So in that sense, I almost hope BF does. Not for permission, as much as a blessing/just a talk about it.
  • Ollie08Ollie08 member
    500 Love Its 1000 Comments Fourth Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I agree that it's a nice gesture but not necessary. BF has already told me that he would ask my dad for his blessing before proposing. It means a lot to me because my dad and I are so close, and to give my dad that honor would be wonderful for me.

    I do agree that it's unique to every individual situation though.

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  • edited December 2011
    I think there's a very big difference in asking for permission and asking for their blessing.  Personally, asking for someone's permission is really offensive to me.  Asking for the parents' blessing is very sweet.

    FI asked for my mother's, father's, and brother's blessing...the day before he proposed.  And I thought it was very sweet of him to include them all.
  • edited December 2011
    I think it's an antiquated custom and I don't like it. It harks back from a time where a woman was considered property. Andplusalso, the first time FI was planning on proposing, he was hell-bent on asking my mother for permission. I told him not to. He said, "Well, if your father was still alive, I would ask him. But he's not, so I'm going to ask your mother."

    I told him not to. His parents, his sister, his aunts and a few of his friends all told him not to. But he did anyway. 

    My mother laughed in his face and said, "No, absolutely not."

    He waited another year to propose - by then we were living on our own and she didn't really have a say. She continues to be unsupportive of our engagement.

    I was against this custom before this debacle, but now I'm really against it - because the parent can say no. 

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  • edited December 2011
    I asked FI to ask both of my parents because just asking my dad  seems disrespectful to my mom and sexist. Just my opinion. 

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  • SwazzleSwazzle member
    10000 Comments Seventh Anniversary 500 Love Its First Answer
    edited December 2011
    Such interesting perspectives!!  I personally don't care one way or the other, I don't think my mom would mind if he didn't.  I say mom because I don't have a great relationship with my dad, I don't see him very often.  And I think it'd be weird if he asked my step dad even though he's been married to my mom for 16 years.  I can't really even picture the conversation at all, BF isn't really shy around my family anymore (it's been 4 years for goodness sake) but I just see it as being a weird convo for him to try to have with my mom.



  • edited December 2011
    I actually think my mom would be hurt if BF didn't ask beforehand. It doesn't really matter to me, either way.
  • cu97tigercu97tiger member
    Eighth Anniversary 5000 Comments 500 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    BF and I had this discussion awhile back. It would mean a lot to me for him to talk to my dad about it, and ask for his blessing (even if he words it as 'permission,' clearly a no isn't going to change anything). My dad mentioned the other day that he didn't mind if BF didn't ask him, but I think it's a nice gesture, and I love the thought of my BF calling my dad. It makes me melt a little inside :)
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  • edited December 2011
    What are your thoughts/beliefs on your bf asking your parents for permission or their blessing before proposing?
    My parents are very laid back people, but I know my dad would be hurt if FI didn't ask him for his blessing before proposing to me.

    If you're already engaged/married did your FI/H do this?
    We are already engaged but won't have the ring until Monday, so we are going to my parents' house on Sunday and he is going to ask my dad for his blessing before he puts the ring on my finger. FI also wants to do something special to present the ring to me for the first time, not really a proposal though because he already asked.

    What if he didn't/doesn't? 
    It wouldn't be the end of the world, I just know my dad would be a little upset/hurt. All of FI's family knows about the engagement, and my mom knows, so we are waiting until he talks to my dad to announce it to everyone else.
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  • alanna91alanna91 member
    500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    BF will probably ask my dad, and I can't see any reason my dad would say no. It's definitely a sweet thing to do, and it probably makes the father feel more included in the wedding decisions since it's "giving his little girl away".
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  • MLekathLEENMLekathLEEN member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011

    I didn't care whether he did or not but I had a feeling that my dad would have liked FI to ask him. I never told FI he needed to but he's a pretty traditional guy and did ask my dad all on his own.

  • ravenrayravenray member
    5000 Comments 25 Love Its Second Anniversary Name Dropper
    edited December 2011

    I really want BF to ask my dad.  Ever since I was a little girl I have been terrified of divorcé.  Because of that I have this idea that if my dad doesn't like him there is a good possibly that the man could be the wrong one for me.  If my dad said no I would have to consider if it would be wise to continue.  I know this is an unpopular idea.  I am not saying if my dad said no all bets would be off but I would have to do some hard thinking and talking to my dad why he said no. I value my dad’s opinion and I know he wants the best for me so I don’t think he would say no for no reason. As it is I know that won't be a problem.  My dad told BF he would be proud to have him as a son in law :)  But I also know he expects BF to ask him (I think he might have made him promise?) and I know BF will so I am not worried about it.

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  • KatyRoseMKatyRoseM member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    DH asked my dad, he mumbled something along the lines of its really up to her.  For me that was the best of both worlds. 
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  • lmwilberlmwilber member
    100 Comments
    edited December 2011
    When I was younger, I would have said it was important to me. In fact, ex FI asked both my parents when were 18 for their blessing. I think it helped show them that we were not just kids who were going to do whatever we wanted. They asked us to wait until after college, which we wanted to do anyway, so it was NBD. We grew up and wanted different things, so that was that.

    As of right now, BF and I have been together forever and we have lived together for 2.5 years. I have pretty much supported myself  for the past 10 years, and they have already told me that they will not be giving BF and I any money for a wedding when we do get married. So, since they haven't helped support me much, and won't be chipping in, its not important to me to have their 'Blessing'. I'm an adult, they can trust my decisions. 

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  • IrishDreamerIrishDreamer member
    2500 Comments Fourth Anniversary 25 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    SO and I have talked about this quite a bit. My family is VERY traditional...okay, let me rephrase, my Grand units are very traditional, and they are who raised me. We've discussed it, and since I botched my first marriage, and hurt my pop (grandpa) very badly, SO thought it would be very meaningful to him and my pop if he asked for his blessing. (I agree that Blessing is waaaaay better than permission, I don't need anyone's permission to do a damn thing). He is also going to ask my father for his blessing as well. I've been trying to repair that relationship a lot in the past 2 years, and SO & I agree that it would mean a lot to my father. As for my mom and stepdad....eh....Honestly, that whole side of the family is going to be an issue throughout the entire engagement/wedding "Ordeal" for lack of a better word. I know my mother, and she will find ways to cause chaos...and I haven't come up with a game plan yet (no preplanning!! LOL) as how to tackle that one...so we haven't talked much about him talking to them..

    I don't personally care one way or the other, but I've done a lot of damage to the dynamics of certain relationships, and it would go a long way to mending some things..so I'm okay with it.
  • jorja86jorja86 member
    1000 Comments Third Anniversary
    edited December 2011
    BF will be asking both of my parents for their blessing, not their permission. For me, it's important because family is incredibly important to me, and I see it as a way to include them in such a big moment in my life.

    That being said, my parents love BF, and I doubt we would have made it this far if they didn't. I have no doubt that when he asks, he will be given their blessing full-heartedly.

    I definitely don't think it is a necessity though, and everyone has a different relationship with their families and their SO, and what works for me isn't right for everyone.
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  • DanieKADanieKA member
    Knottie Warrior 1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I think it would mean a lot to my parents, especially my dad. But that is in no way a requirement. I know some people have strong feelings about this. Some are very into the tradition and some think it's a thing of the past and they are not property to be traded or "asked for." I honestly don't really care either way. 

    I think it's partly my age. I might've...probably would have cared about it when I was younger. Like 24, 25. But now that i'm months from 30, I'm much more laid back. What matters most is that he asks me. The rest is just frosting. 
  • kellyt89kellyt89 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments
    edited December 2011
    I've never liked the idea of giving "permission." If I'm adult enough to get married I don't need anyone's permission. However, my dad is very traditional and I'm the only girl/only child, so I think that it would hurt his feelings if he wasn't included in a way he probably always just assumed he would be, so I would like it if BF asked for his "blessing."

    Since my entire family AND SO and his entire family are Catholic and I'm not, It's sort of a "is this the hill you want to die on" type thing. I'd rather fight for stuff I really care about when the time comes than fight about something that I think is antiquated but a sweet gesture that would probably make my BF and dad feel closer to each other.
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  • lunarsongbirdlunarsongbird member
    2500 Comments Second Anniversary Combo Breaker
    edited December 2011
    Well, it seems like everyone thinks we are already engaged already. Hurumph!

     
    Andrew's mom told her doctor I was Andrew's fiance today.

    So I'm not sure it matters.

    Boo. At leas the engagement will still be special for us, I hope!

    Andrew was supposed to ask my parents before we left, but he ran out of time. I don't think I really have a preference. We're getting a ring made together- so it's not a very big surprise- more like a technicality.
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  • becunning2becunning2 member
    1000 Comments
    edited December 2011
    @bsidebella

    OMG!  That would be awful! I can understand why you hate it so much.

    If my boyfriend asked my father (aka the paternal figurehead) and I found out about it, I would be PISSED.  But my father hasn't even met him yet, and I talk to him maybe twice a year.  So that would make me angry.

    On the other hand, asking for my STEPDAD's blessing (not permission) would be very meaningful to me AND to my stepdad.


  • edited December 2011
    Im 31 live on my own. i don't think at this stage in my life it is necessary.  My parents love my BF, so I don't have to worry about their approval.  It would be a nice gesture if he did.  

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  • zipis1zipis1 member
    Fourth Anniversary 500 Comments 5 Love Its Name Dropper
    edited December 2011
    I told FI that if he asked my dad for permission or blessing, I would reconsider the relationship on the spot.

    Yes, I am THAT against it. And I consider it a fantastic sign that  he heeded that warning ;P

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