Should I be worried?

angela_294

I thought this place would be a good spot to post this.

I was talking with my boyfriend yesterday asking him where he sees our timeline (like dating, living together, engagement or dating, engagement, together etc). So he proceeded to say that he wants me to live on my own before he'd even consider living with me or engagement. The biggest issue I face with this is that I'm a full time Registered Nurse who works shift work with a young child (not his). I wanted to move out for the longest time but with my crazy hours and lack of daycare services that have extended or overnight hours I'm in quite a pickle.

What are your guys thoughts? How should I approach him regarding this any further? I love my boyfriend tons and want to stay with him but I mean if he's really serious about this I don't know if we should stay together because as is I know for sure I won't be able to move out on my own until my son is of an age where I can trust him to get himself to and from school safely.

KD+BC

Hmm. Who do you live with now? Do you pay all your own bills? What are his reasons for want you to live on your own first?

If you live with your parents but pay your own way (rent, car payment, insurance, food, phone, etc.) I would think that you essentially live by yourself. Is there any other reason he would want you live by yourself? If you were to move in together, who would take care of your child?

I'm sorry but I don't think I can give advice without more information.

bethsmiles

I agree with KD we need more information to really answer your question.

angela_294

Yeah I pay my own bills, I work an hour away from where I live so I support my own car, gas, insurance and I pay all of my son's bills (buy him clothes/diapers etc). I live with my parents but they don't charge me rent but I do assist with home bills (like I just paid the internet/phone bill last night).

I think the reason he wants me out on my own before he considers anything is because my parents put a lot of stress on me and he hates seeing me in this situation. I guess there's also the sense of an independent woman is sexy.

As for if we moved in together his schedule would be accomodating enough to help out with my son (not that I'd expect him to). My debt load is kind of high (I can manage it with my high income) so with a dual income it could easily help affording a babysitter or a part time nanny to help with the after school hours.

Narwhal

mmm pickles

bethsmiles

I think you really just need to talk to him. We can't really tell you if you should stay in the relationship or not. It sounds like you and your BF have a lot you need to discuss.

noelle24

I think you need to ask him what, specifically, he'd like to see you develop by living on your own.  I'm all for being independent before getting married, so I see his point.  However, I also believe that once you have a child, the game changes completely.  Your first priority needs to be the best interests of your son, and right now, it sounds like that means staying with your parents.  See if there's some sort of compromise you could come to, where you don't need to move out of your parent's house just yet, but gain more independence. 

Just out of curiousity, how old are you?

KD+BC

I think you need to speak with your bf more. I think you need to know why he wants you to live on your own because "independent women are sexy" just isn't cutting it for me and I doubt it is for you. Does he really have a reason or is this a game he's playing?

Sorry I'm not able to help more but I really don't know the answer to this one.

angela_294

I'm 24 and my son is almost 4 years old.

**Mutley**

Normally, I would agree with your boyfriend.  I fully believe that everyone should live on their own prior to marriage.

However, he is being unreasonable due to the circumstances.  I just see this as a red flag.  Does he not understand that you have a child that needs to be cared for?  Or that you are doing what you can given the situation?  It isn't like you are mooching off mommy and daddy because you are being lazy.  You are working to try to get your debt down and support your child.  You are leaning on your family's support, not using them for any sort of selfish reason.   

What does he expect you to accomplish by living on your own?  Personally, I think he is using this as an excuse because he doesn't really want to get married. 

As PPs have stated, you need to get down to the real reason he thinks that you need to live on your own.  I would also explain exactly WHY you are living at home, in case he is just to dense to realize it.  Then, I would go from there.  If he is still insistent on this happening for your relationship to progress, I would question how much he actually wants your relationship to more forward.

noelle24

I agree with Mutley.  You are doing the best you can for your child, and he needs to realize this. I, too, think that he's using this to buy himself some more time before he needs to face the question of marriage.

jeanacorina

As PPs said, when you have a child, he or she is your FIRST priority. It sounds to me like you are providing your child with the safest, most loving home he could have at this time. Everything is stable, no one is living in a box on the street. You're paying down your debt. I mean, how is this not a good thing?

If you didn't have a child, I'd agree with him on the independence thing. However, you're not the only human being that affects. Sure, it's a GREAT experience to live on Ramen Noodles and Kool Aid for a year or two. It's a VALUABLE experience to overdraw your checking account and say "oh sh!t!" and figure out where you're screwing up. Yes, it's good to live on your own, have your car break down, and need to figure out how to get to work and also get the car fixed.

All good things to experience. But!!! Not when another living, breathing, impressionable person is in your care and depending on YOU to take care of him. You shouldn't take those risks if you don't have to. Kids change EVERYTHING.

Talk to him about this, because it sounds like he's missing a really important point here. If he's still insistent that you need to be on your own, thus jeopardizing your financial situation (and impacting your child's quality of life), then I'd say he's not really a keeper.

MelG06

Yet again... the welfare of your child should be first.  I also agree it's somewhat of a red flag. I'm concerned it's his way of saying "ehhh, lets just put that big step off for a while", but I don't know him or your relationship. I would really just have one of those sit down talks where you find out what each other wants out of your relationship.

Either way, I don't think it's a bad thing. He just doesn't want to rush things, and that can be good for your relationship. If I had my way, I'd get married and start a family with  my boyfriend tomorrow, but he's my reality who says we need to wait until the time is right.. and us girls need that reality sometimes