Not sure what to think

cara92marie

First I'd like to say hello and introduce myself. So I'm Cara! I'm not yet engaged, although my boyfriend and I have talked about marriage and we've looked at rings, but we don't want to get married until we both finish college. We started dating 4 1/2 years ago when I was 15 and he was 17, right now we are 19 and 22.

So I really need some advice from other women! Maybe some of you have been in my situation. So pretty much I was his first girlfriend, but he wasn't my first boyfriend. Everything in our relationship was going great for a long time, and after we lived together for a year (we moved in together July 2010), he told me he was positive I was the one and he wants to marry me.

But yesterday he took me by surprise. He brought up that he wanted me to think about letting him take a month to "be off on his own" (date around) before he proposes and we get engaged. He basically just wants to feel what it's like to be single and see what's out there. So I can understand where he is coming from seeing as I'm the only girl he's ever been with. But at the same time, this is not something I think I could handle. Nor do I want him to feel trapped, get married, then later in life we end up divorcing because he never got it out of his system or whatever. He tells me he knows for sure that I am the girl he ultimately wants and he is 100% he wants to spend the rest of his life with me.

So I don't know how to react to this. Any of you ladies have input on how to handle this situation?

Blue & White

I'm not really sure how I would react to this.  I obviously wouldn't want my boyfriend to feel trapped with me, but I wouldn't want to condone him possibly seeing other people as well...

That being said, a month isn't much time to see other people.

Oh, and it'd be over between us if he even attempted sex with one of the other people, so I guess I'd harbor a lot of resentment if I said "yes" to the idea.

I dunno, I think it's kinda a weird request if he's seriously thinking about marriage.

But I might just be kinda uptight too.  I'll be interested in others' responses

ETA: I might just be seeing things cause TK is wonky sometimes, but who is the couple in your picture if you're not engaged yet?  cause they're married and kissing...just sayin

tuarceatha

I think if he wants to be single then he wants to break up. I don't really get the idea of "breaks". Who knows what could happen in 30 days or however long?
If he wants to see other people or be able to, then he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I understand that you two have been together awhile and he feels like he hasn't seen everything, and he has every right to ask to be able to experience everything he wants to. You just shouldn't have to be waiting for him. That's not fair. All or nothing.

 

tuarceatha

p.s. Hi Cara. Nice to meet you!

cara92marie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:13ff8251-d98b-4437-a7f5-841d2f47ac2f">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]I'm not really sure how I would react to this.  I obviously wouldn't want my boyfriend to feel trapped with me, but I wouldn't want to condone him possibly seeing other people as well... That being said, a month isn't much time to see other people. Oh, and it'd be over between us if he even attempted sex with one of the other people, so I guess I'd harbor a lot of resentment if I said "yes" to the idea. I dunno, I think it's kinda a weird request if he's seriously thinking about marriage. But I might just be kinda uptight too.  I'll be interested in others' responses ETA: I might just be seeing things cause TK is wonky sometimes, <strong>but who is the couple in your picture if you're not engaged yet?</strong>  cause they're married and kissing...just sayin
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

<div>It's my boyfriend and I, but this picture is actually from prom :) lol. My dress was pink and white, but the pictures do look alot like wedding pictures.
</div>

thejucheidea

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:13ff8251-d98b-4437-a7f5-841d2f47ac2f">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]ETA: I might just be seeing things cause TK is wonky sometimes, but who is the couple in your picture if you're not engaged yet?  cause they're married and kissing...just sayin
Posted by Blue & White[/QUOTE]

It looks kinda like a prom picture to me.

karlee4ever

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:62944211-85ce-441b-8f7d-b1a1203eaee8">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]I think if he knows you are the one then he shouldn't need that. And if he does need that then he's not completely sure you are the one, but doesn't want to actually break up with you. Essentially, it sounds like he "wants his cake and eat it, too." I think that sucks and if my boyfriend ever proposed that, I'd break up with him. 
Posted by LivLeighton[/QUOTE]



Yeah. This exactly. I think he THINKS you are the one but he obviously isnt sure. And a month isnt going to solve the issue unfortunately. My FI and i broke up (entirely. Cut off. Not together) for 8 months when we realized we should be together. Now he is FI and we are very confident and happy.

Swazzle

Yikes, I can say without a doubt that this would not fly with me at all.  If he knows you're THE ONE & wants to spend his life with you then it should not matter "what else is out there." 

noelle24

I'm sorry, but any guy who asks for time "off" to date around is not 100% sure that you are "the one".  If he WAS, then why would he need the time off? 

To me, this is a really sh!tty thing to ask of you.  It's the equivalent of saying "I'd really like to go sleep around, but I'm worried that if I do, I'll lose you.  So would you mind just hanging around while I go have some fun and see if there's anyone better out there?  K thx bai"

My H and I started dating when we were both 19, and neither of us had any serious relationships prior to that.  And you know what?  Neither of us has ever felt the need for "a break".  This is what was best for us.  On the other hand, I knew a couple who dated all four years of college, perfectly happily, and broke up at the end because they wanted to "see what else was out there".  They're both now married/engaged to other people.  It was what was best for them. I do understand where both of you are coming from, but I think that your relationship is a long way away from thinking about marriage.

Honestly, if it were me, I'd tell him that if wants time off from the relationship, that we would be breaking up and that there is no guarantee that I'd take him back if/when he wanted to come back.  I wouldn't use it as manipulation or an ultimatum, but it would be the truth. 

At the end of the day, you deserve someone who ACTUALLY knows, 100%, that they want to be with you and only you. And it just doesn't sound like your BF is there right now.

cara92marie

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:52da605f-540e-43f9-b633-96d217a3c507">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]I think if he wants to be single then he wants to break up. I don't really get the idea of "breaks". Who knows what could happen in 30 days or however long? If he wants to see other people or be able to, then he doesn't want to be in a relationship. I understand that you two have been together awhile and he feels like he hasn't seen everything, and he has every right to ask to be able to experience everything he wants to. You just shouldn't have to be waiting for him. That's not fair. All or nothing.  
Posted by jenjenniferf[/QUOTE]

<div>This is pretty much how I'm feeling. I don't really wanna give him an ultimatum, that will just end up bad. But I do think I wanna tell him we should take a step back and reevaluate getting engaged.</div>

polkadot111

What type of man who is CERTAIN he wants to marry you feels the need to 'date around'. Just the fact that he wants to do that is a pretty big GIANT red flag to me.

Blue & White

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:e1e54362-5ee4-472f-9f49-7d3806e2a45b">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure what to think : It's my boyfriend and I, but this picture is actually from prom :) lol. My dress was pink and white, but the pictures do look alot like wedding pictures.
Posted by cara92marie[/QUOTE]


phew, I was just confirming.  And yea, my prom dress was a shiny silvery/purple and looks white in pictures too, but I wasn't sure :)

elannis

I would personally be offended if FI proposed something like that. I would definitely ask him how he feels about you dating other people while he's off for that month. If he doesn't have a problem with it, then I would maybe consider re-evaluating your relationship. It does sound to me like the "wants his cake and eat it, too" thing. If he really wants to be with just you, I wouldn't think he'd be considering what it would be like and ask to be with someone else. There is a lot that can happen in a month. And really, I don't see any good that could come from it. He either has to "proove" that he wants to be with you, or he builds a connection with someone and ends up in that honeymoon stage and then what? This is all just my opinion though. I'm also in the camp of not liking strip clubs and all that either though.

QuiltingNurse

I think it would be perfectly normal and alright for him to have thoughts of 'what else is out there' but to actually bring up the idea and want to act on it is not acceptable IMHO. Either he wants to be with you, or he wants to be with other people. I can understand having a conversation about it and dicsussing why he feels this way, what he thinks he is missing out on, and how he plans to get past these feelings. Him suggesting a month break so he can 'date around' is a big deal.

The month break also makes me wonder, if you already live together what would happen during the break? I think it is a very selfish idea on his part and he is just trying to drag you along until he finds out if he can 'do better' or if you are the best he will find. I fail to see how this would do you any good. Would you really feel comfortable taking a 'break' and then coming right back to someone who needed to date around and then getting engaged (assuming he wants to get back into the relationship)?

Ollie08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:656549b1-003a-47df-bbc9-4d271a60c101">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Not sure what to think : Yeah. This exactly. I think he THINKS you are the one but he obviously isnt sure. And a month isnt going to solve the issue unfortunately. My FI and i broke up (entirely. Cut off. Not together) for 8 months when we realized we should be together. Now he is FI and we are very confident and happy.
Posted by karlee4ever[/QUOTE]

I agree with Liv here, but also have a similar experience with karlee.

If it were me, I wouldn't put up with it. Either he knows it or he doesn't. Here's kind of what I'm thinking, if it were me and I were 19, I would say "go ahead, but there's no guarantee that I'll be here waiting when you're done doing whatever needs to be done".

FI and I (before we were engaged, actually a few months in to the relationship) broke up for about 6 months. I told him in the beginning that I was not going to wait around for him and that if our paths crossed again and we were both ready, then we would get back together. During that timeframe I dated other people. He was never with anyone else. He doesn't have any ill feelings towards me because he knew from the get go that I wouldn't wait around for him to make up his mind.

About 2 months after we split, he decided he wanted me back, but unfortunately I was not interested. It took him another 4 months for him to convince me that he was serious, and we got back together. It's been amazing for the 2 years since.

IDK I'm torn about it.

csousa1

Ick.

If BF asked for time off before the engagement/wedding, I would dump him on the spot.

I am not a job that anyone should need a vacation from.

You seem really sweet, Cara. I think you deserve better than that.

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:2efae3e3-cf7d-45ea-a5d4-e184ee2de303">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]I think it would be perfectly normal and alright for him to have thoughts of 'what else is out there' but to actually bring up the idea and <strong>want to act on it is not acceptable IMHO. </strong>Either he wants to be with you, or he wants to be with other people. I can understand having a conversation about it and dicsussing why he feels this way, what he thinks he is missing out on, and how he plans to get past these feelings. Him suggesting a month break so he can 'date around' is a big deal. The month break also makes me wonder, if you already live together what would happen during the break?<strong> I think it is a very selfish idea on his part </strong>and he is just trying to drag you along until he finds out if he can 'do better' or if you are the best he will find. I fail to see how this would do you any good. Would you really feel comfortable taking a 'break' and then coming right back to someone who needed to date around and then getting engaged (assuming he wants to get back into the relationship)?
Posted by QuiltingNurse[/QUOTE]

<div>I don't think it's 'unacceptable' for him to have these feelings, but I do think it's selfish for him to ask you to give him a month to 'get this out of his system.' It doesn't really work that way. At this point in your relationship, he is either 100% in, or 100% out. You are both so young, that with this HUGE red flag waving in your face, I think you'd be smart to sit down and have a serious talk with him. If he truly does feel like he needs a 'break,' then it needs to be a break up.</div><div>
</div><div>Sorry hon. We're always here, and many of us have been through tough situations, so we're here if you need to talk about it. Maybe tell us more about yourself... do you like cheese? Harry Potter? I'd ask if you like wine but you're only 19 so you shouldn't know what wine tastes like yet :)</div>

paintgirl

I wouldn't go along with this for a second. But you're both really young. Not all young marriages go bad but... Don't YOU want to live life a little more before you get married?

In any case, if he has ANY reservation (and he has told you he does) let him go do it - but that would be it for me.

I tend to think exes are exes for a reason, so I wouldn't take him back after that.

wink0erin

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:d9b0677a-af57-417f-b0eb-0215f6fecf3a">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE] It's the equivalent of saying "I'd really like to go sleep around, but I'm worried that if I do, I'll lose you.  So would you mind just hanging around while I go have some fun and see if there's anyone better out there?  K thx bai" Posted by noelle24[/QUOTE]

<strong>THIS.

</strong>This sounds like a really shady thing for him to suggest. If he's not ready, he's not ready, but he shouldn't expect you to wait around for him while he's out trying to meet other women, and really, you SHOULDN'T wait around on someone that just wants to go out and see other women. If you decide to let him do this, you best be out looking for other men too, because he might not be coming back when the month is over.

paintgirl

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:26c8d523-1656-4acb-bb08-3649ab567231">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE] If you decide to let him do this, you best be out looking for other men too, because he might not be coming back when the month is over.
Posted by wink0erin[/QUOTE]

Who would want him back?? There's no "hall pass" in my relationship. Like pp said - you're either 100% in, or 100% out.

sapphirebaby926

Personally I think that if he's asking this he's already got someone in mind but doesn't want to cheat so he's looking for a way to make it work without feeling guilty.

If my DH had ever asked this of me I would have seriously reconsidered our whole relationship. Most likely we would have broken up - I'm not one to sit and wait for him to come back around when he finally realized he had a good thing. Plus I'd never be sure he wouldn't feel that way again sometime down the road.

noelle24

Anyone else having flashbacks to Ross and Rachel on Friends?

cara92marie

All of you offer really good points. Most of it is along the lines of what I'm thinking. I know that if I tell him I'm not comfortable with the idea, then he will drop it and it won't be brought up again. But I fear doing this will cause him to resent me later on.

I definitely know not to jump into marriage right now after this has happened. We are both really young, and anything could happen. I'm absolutely not afraid of him going  behind my back or cheating on me, he's a better person than that. So I don't feel like it's bad enough that we need to break up, but I do think I need to let him decide what he wants before and if we eventually get engaged, but he needs to decide that without dating around.

Paintgirl, I personally don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. I feel like I'm happiest enjoying life and growing and learning with my boyfriend, he's a best friend to me. Maybe I am missing out on a different life experience I would have if I were single, but I don't feel like I need it. In other words, I'm content without it

doubleSS07

Hi Cara nice to meet you!

Hmm kinda of a tough situation.  You guys are so young..not saying that people your age don't find long term love and happiness, just that the world is a different place now versus 40 years ago.  If I were in your situation and honest with myself I would not be able to be ok with the person I live with, have been with for a few years and who has expressed that he wants to marry me and have a future giving me a BUT.  I would probably not be able to get past the thought and the hurt of him wanting to be apart so he can experience being single. 

If he wants to be single then he needs to break up with you.  Having a "break" while he does whatever is NOT fair to you, do not accept this.  If he gets a break then so do you and he has to live with the possibilty that YOU may find you like being single, that you might find other opportunities besides him.  He's playing with a double edged sword here and he's got to decide what's more important.

With that being said it's totally possible that you guys break up for a bit and realize that what you have is what you both really want and everyone comes back to the table secure in that knowledge.  I would just say, speaking from experience, don't let yourself or your self-esteem be hurt by agreeing to wait for him to be done trying out single life.  Like a PP said it's all or nothing.  Good Luck girl

Beads921

BF wanted to take a break a couple of years ago. I said we were either together or not - no breaks. We stayed together and worked on our sh!t what way. Needless to say, things are mucho better now and we have no regrets.

I do know a woman who's husband went and travelled alone for 4 months before they got engaged/married. They have a perfectly good relationship, he just needed that time. It's totally different than breaking up to see what's out there though.

You're young, I get that. If your BF wants to see what else is up there, you should probably break up. It just doesn't seem like a healthy or positive thing to do otherwise. You'll just be waiting on him, and thats not fair. And a month probably isn't going to solve anything anyway. That said, there is definitley NO way I could marry someone knowing he wasn't necessarily 110% committed to me.

Ollie08

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:ffc8d4b1-0cc9-4bb4-8aae-ef434490efbd">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]I wouldn't go along with this for a second. But you're both really young. Not all young marriages go bad but... <strong>Don't YOU want to live life a little more before you get married?</strong> In any case, if he has ANY reservation (and he has told you he does) let him go do it - but that would be it for me. I tend to think exes are exes for a reason, so I wouldn't take him back after that.
Posted by paintgirl[/QUOTE]

This too. The more I think about it, the more it reminds me of that quote "They're called first loves for a reason, more are supposed to come after" or something like that. Point being, it might be time to let this one go.

noelle24

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:d4233582-574f-4906-aa54-1db381113f6f">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]Personally I think that if he's asking this he's already got someone in mind but doesn't want to cheat so he's looking for a way to make it work without feeling guilty. If my DH had ever asked this of me I would have seriously reconsidered our whole relationship. Most likely we would have broken up - I'm not one to sit and wait for him to come back around when he finally realized he had a good thing.<strong> Plus I'd never be sure he wouldn't feel that way again sometime down the road.</strong>
Posted by sapphirebaby926[/QUOTE]

This would be my hesitation as well.  What's to say that 10 years and a couple kids into the marriage, he won't suddenly want another "break" to see what it would be like with someone else? That's not to say it couldn't work out after a break (a couple posters in this thread have mentioned it). But it would take a hell of a lot of convincing to get me to try it again

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:65b2968e-3a50-4e13-9352-171d590d5e9f">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]All of you offer really good points. Most of it is along the lines of what I'm thinking. I know that if I tell him I'm not comfortable with the idea, then he will drop it and it won't be brought up again. But I fear doing this will cause him to resent me later on. I definitely know not to jump into marriage right now after this has happened. We are both really young, and anything could happen. I'm absolutely not afraid of him going  behind my back or cheating on me, he's a better person than that. So I don't feel like it's bad enough that we need to break up, but I do think I need to let him decide what he wants before and if we eventually get engaged, but he needs to decide that without dating around. Paintgirl, I personally don't feel like I'm missing out on anything. <strong>I feel like I'm happiest enjoying life and growing and learning with my boyfriend, he's a best friend to me. Maybe I am missing out on a different life experience I would have if I were single, but I don't feel like I need it. In other words, I'm content without it :)
</strong>Posted by cara92marie[/QUOTE]

And you should be with someone who says the same about you.

ravenray

If I were you I would run.  I am young too and people have tried to convince both FI and I that we should try out other people before committing to one (we have never been in a relationship before each other)  That idea was ridiculous to us, we loved each other and just because other people felt the need to date the field didn't mean that we did.  If he doesn't feel the same way as you do, that would cause serious problems in a relationship for me.  I agree with the others that it is a way to not feel guilty about cheating.  I would do some serious evaluating of your relationship, it is not a good sign that he wants out. 

cara92marie

Csousa1, I haven't even thought of that. I mean it ovbious now, it's also hard to accept. I don't know, I'll definitely need to talk to him about this.

csousa1

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_not-sure-think?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:597f436b-528b-4b04-b4cf-b8a331e58a96Post:f22ad106-43c5-4d98-99aa-63f5cac6df72">Re: Not sure what to think</a>:
[QUOTE]Csousa1, I haven't even thought of that. I mean it ovbious now,<strong> it's also hard to accept</strong>. I don't know, I'll definitely need to talk to him about this.
Posted by cara92marie[/QUOTE]

Absolutely. This is an extraordinarily difficult decision for you to have to make, and I'm sorry you are going through it. But you need to be true to yourself and never underestimate what you deserve.