How to tell my parents I'm getting married 2 months after high school graduation....HELP!

bethsmiles

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-parents-im-getting-married-2-months-after-high-school-graduationhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:59bf99ac-5a6f-4b00-893c-58098fe784a5Post:aa37a8d0-36f5-4f24-a4ff-6944dcee3ca8">Re: How to tell my parents I'm getting married 2 months after high school graduation....HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]We are going to tell them, we just want to together, which is the only reason we've waited this long.

<strong>Then I don't understand why you asked us how to talk to your parents.</strong>

I've already had to talk to my parents about our sex life alone, and we've decided that we wanna do this together. We wanted to tell them after I'd already have a ring, but that would be too long.

<strong>When are you getting a ring? Why would that be to long? How short of an engagement are you having?</strong>

I am going to college, he will be in Tyndall. So I will either go to FSU or go to a community college and transfer in later. I'm not putting my education on hold I will be an RNA just as soon.

<strong>Thats good, an education is important. Are you paying for school? Are your parents? If they are will they still pay if you decide to get married? </strong>

But my question is what is going to change in 4 years?

<strong>Umm...A LOT! You aren't even out of high school yet. You as a person will change. Nobody is the same as when they were in high school. I graduated 2 years ago and I'm different. My views about the world have changed, my priorities have changed, I have different interests...basically a lot can happen in 4 years. You go from living with your parents to being an independent adult who lives her own life. You make new friends and hopefully have some new experiences.</strong>

What would make us more ready then? Maturity, I don't think so, it doesn't work quite like that for me.

<strong>Why doesn't it work that way for you? You are already at maximum maturity? You are stuck at being 17? Please explain this statement.</strong>

What am I going to miss, the typical college experience? Drinking and dealing with my roomates sleeping around? O darn!

<strong>Wow, college is not a movie. There is more to it than drinking and roommates sleeping around. Being married you will miss out on a lot of the fun of college.  College is a time for meeting new people and gaining new experiences. </strong>

 He is in the AirForce and works on F-22s. The chances of him getting deployed are slim, and if he is it wont be for a couple years. Even then his longest deployment would be for 4months.

<strong>I don't really know anything about the military so I can't exactly comment on this but I'm sure there are girls who will.</strong>

I am very aware that marriage isn't always easy, our relationship hasn't always been easy either.

<strong>Once you get out of high school life will only get more challenging.</strong>

 I have thought this through, a lot. We've planned out pretty much every aspect of it,

<strong>You can never plan for the unexpected.</strong>

our finances are sufficient, even without me working. We're also aware that since we are getting married young, everyone is going to have their own opinion. I'm gonna get asked if I'm pregnant, and told I'm an idiot. Anyone that doubts us will be surprised, when we're together forever.

<strong>You sound like a typical high school girl in love. And nobody here is doubting he is the one or that you will be "together forever" they are simply stating that it won't kill you to wait and it will most likely benefit you. The girls here gave you great advice and I really think you should listen to it.</strong>
Posted by KayleighJ312[/QUOTE]

nefariousmango

Listen to Bethsmiles.  You failed to convince me, for one, that you have anything to lose by waiting a couple more years before getting married.  Move Tyndall, go to school, see him as much as you can and continue to love him the same as you do.  You don't need to be married for that to happen, and marriage will complicate things a ton, trust us. 

Oh, and saying you're as mature as you're going ot get just makes me laugh at your immaturity.  I thought I was pretty darn mature at 17, too, and I bet so did many other people on this board.  I also thought I was pretty friggin' smart at 14, and 19, and now at 24... and I'm sure I'll look back on myself now in a couple years and wonder what I was thinking!

bseylar02

I'm 19, and I've been with my boyfriend for four and a half years. We're planning on getting married also...and I know how hard it is to wait. I've seen many teenage marriages involved with men in the armed forces...and it's honestly really hard. It could really change him or the way your relationship works. I know how you feel, like why wait. But I hope all of these women's opinions who are older than us and honestly do know what marriage and an engagement is like will help you make the decision to hold off on marriage.

jelique7

Like i said in my post, i am 17 too so i can understand where you are coming from but IMO you sound immature and naive. About the military thing he is just in boot camp so I find it hard to believe that you know he wont get deployed. This just proves that you guys need to wait, his career needs to be his main priority right now. And it is also hard to believe that your financial situation will be secure without you working, i don't know if you are aware of this but bottom of the food chain, straight out of boot camp boys are not exactly bringing home the big bucks. Im sure this is true love but it is a bit foolish to say you are going to be together forever, everyone says that young or old. I think you should wait until he is settled in his new military life. My FI did a lot of changing when he joined and im glad he had the chance to get settled without the unnecessary stress of a wedding.

Also, how would you pay for the wedding? Are you doing a JOP? Im not saying this to be mean and im not out to bust your bubble or anything but this seems to be happening at the worst time.

CurlyGirlyGirl

Call me an old fashioned bitty, but does this mean he's not going to ask your parents for your hand in marriage before he proposes?

And what can change in 4 years from now?  EVERYTHING.  Take the advice, and wait.  If he's the right person, he'll be the right person when you're in your 20s and you'll be so much more in your own about being married.  Did I know who I would marry when I was 19?  Yeppers, but we didn't get married for another 10 years.

ekathleen684

Everyone bascially said what needed to be said. One being if you can't tell your parents, your too young (or immature) to get married. and Two, if your going to be together forever, why not wait a few years.

Believe me, if someone told me this when FI and I were 17 and planning our secret wedding, I woulc have called them haters and ignored it all. Luckily for us, we thought about it and realized that it would be a MUCH better idea to wait it out a few years, Looking back on it, I'm so glad we never actually went through with it. You will changes alot in the next 5 years (even more) as FI and I did. We were able to learn and grow together before we had the extra added stress of a mortgage and living on our own. Looking back, I don't know how we would have made it if we were to marry that young. Thats not saying that I don't think we would still be together, I just think it would have been a lot rougher than it has been.

noelle24

I would bet my entire wedding budget that you will not be the same person at 25 as you are at 17.  TONS of things change.  And if you think the college experience is just about drinking and sleeping around, then that shows just how naive you are. 

Also, you need to talk to the ladies on here who've been with men during and after deployments.  Deployments can completely change a person, and you should experience that first, before you tie yourself to someone forever.

Like you, I thought I was extremely mature at 17 (and I was, comparatively). BUT (you knew that was coming), my perspective on life changed a LOT during those 4 years.  I went out and explored the world, and I found out more about who I am as a person.  I learned how to be completely independent.  I didn't rely on my parents, or a BF, to support me financially.  Now, at 27, I'm marrying the man I was with at 19.  If it's meant to be, it will still be there in a few years.  And you both will be more experienced, more mature, and more certain of who you are.  That will make marriage a lot easier.

oceana919

Um, wow.

1) You are too young. Period. I don't care mature you think you are, how old you think you are - if you are not a legal adult by the government's standards, you are too young to be married. Period.

2) The greatest amount of personal growth and maturity in a person is the period of 18-25. I do not know one person who is the same person in their mid-to-late 20s as they were in their teens.

If I hear one more kid rave about how much more "mature" they are than their classmates, I think I may vomit. I hate to tell the two 17s on this board, but EVERY KID UNDER 18 THINKS THEY'RE MORE MATURE THAN THEIR CONTEMPORARIES. I was an incredibly mature young woman at 17-18. I was in college by age 16, was raising two kids that weren't my own, working two jobs, and was living pretty self-sufficiently. I still had a hell of a lot of growing up to do. I'm not the same person now than I was back then. You grow, you experience life situations outside the confines of your home and your high school, you become the adult woman you're supposed to come. To assume that the experience of not being married in college can be merely summed up as "getting drunk and sleeping around" is insulting and shows an obvious lack of knowledge and maturity on your part.

3) Maturity on the part of both parties is an essential component in having a functional marriage. Based on your smartypants response to posters' well-reasoned responses, I can tell you have some growing to do in this department.

4) Here's a good question for you - are you currently prepared to be financially independent? Pay all your own bills - rent, utilities, tuition, insurance payments, food, gas, doctor's bills, etc. If you are still counting on Mom and Dad, or a legal guardian, for financial support, you are not ready to be married. Is he prepared to provide you with health insurance, tuition money, etc. if you cannot provide it for yourself?

5) How are you paying for your education - Mom/Dad? Financial aid? Grants/scholarships? You should be aware that, once you are married, you are supposed to be financially independent - ie. no money from Mommy and Daddy. In addition, your status with the government, and subsequent eligibility for federal financial aid, will change once you are married. You should be prepared for that before you throw on a white dress.

6) In a time like this, there is no 100% guarantee that your SO will not be sent overseas. Just ask a friend of mine - he was promised when he joined up in the reserves three years ago that he wouldn't be sent overseas. He's on his second tour of duty. If there is a need for your SO, he will be sent over there. Are you prepared for that - financially, emotionally, mentally?

7) In a similar vein, are you prepared to handle all that comes along with being a military wife? Are you prepared to handle him being overseas? Being seperated from you for extended periods of time? For you to have little financial support from him when he's over there? Are you, at the age of 17, prepared to handle having a husband who has suffered from a wartime injury? Who suffers PTSD or other battle-related mental illnesses? Are you prepared if what he witnesses in a warzone results in him coming back a different man than you married? Are you prepared to be a widow, or worse yet, a grieving mother? These are all very real questions you need to answer for yourself before you commit to a legally-sanctioned union.

8) No relationship is easy, sweet pea. That's not justification enough to get married.

9) I don't think you're an idiot for being in love. If that constitutes being an idiot, then we're all idiots around here. I think you're an idiot if you ignore the well-intentioned and well-thought advice presented here today and brush us off as being bitchy old hags. Which, based on your snotty response above, I think you're about halfway there.

ekathleen684

CurlyGirlyGirl- Your wedding shoes are AMAZING

heyimbren

OP- just relax. i do hope you take the advice you have been offered, because remember that many of the girls on this board that have replied have been through very similar experiences.

you WILL change in the next couple years, like it or not. 2 years ago, when i was 17 i couldn't wait to be independent and live on my own at university. after 9 months of school, i decided i DIDN'T want that and was able to move back home and that has done WONDERS for me. but i never would have guessed that when i was 17 just starting school. it's little things like that- you won't be expecting the changes. if we were able to expect changes, then change wouldn't really be "change" and shocking, now would it?

i'm going to give you the advice i gave my friend: put one year into schooling (at least) and see how you feel after that. if you still want to get married ASAP, then go for it because ultimately it is your decision. you have nothing to lose by waiting, but everything to gain.

GreenPepperBurger

I don't get drunk and I don't sleep around. Am I missing out on "the college experience"? College isn't an episode of Dawson's Creek or Gossip Girl. College is where you will get to do things on your own, meet new people and be exposed to things you wouldn't have been exposed otherwise. You don't need to be single to experience these things, but you should have an open mind and not see things through your rose colored glasses.

noelle24

Oceana: Hallelujah! Can I get an Amen?

**Mutley**

All I can say is that I cannot get it up to type my usual thought-out response.  I just don't see the point.  The OP is 17.  She is going to do whatever the hell she wants because she knows what life is about.  I am tired of putting time and energy into responses that are just going to be ignored.

OP, get married.  Prove us all wrong.  Come back in 5 years and tell us that you don't wish that you would have waited.   

Good luck.  You are going to need it.

 

jeanacorina

Oceana's post is amazing and completely true.

But, yes, ultimately you're 17 and you're going to do whatever you want because you know who you are and you're never going to change.

Huh. Sounds like me at 17. Hrmmmmmm.

KayleighJ312

I'm obviously done with this, I asked how to tell them. I haven't recieved any response as to how to do that, however since I posted this Daniel and I believe we have a pretty clear idea. To answer the question of how I'm paying for college, I'm paying for it with the money my Daddy left me when he and my mom passed away 10yrs ago. (Explanation: I live with my aunt and uncle who I call my parents b/c they took me in) Living the way I did when I was younger though, taught me alot. I didn't have a carefree childhood like many of my friends, I've seen both sides of the tracks.

 No I'm not going to come back in 5 yrs and prove you wrong, you will be, but it isn't that important to me. I was looking for advice, not support. Yes, support from someone who understands would be nice. But we don't need anyone else's support, I'd love to have more people to talk to, but it isn't required. I have a few friends that believe in us, and they're awesome for being there, and praying for us.

To address the stupid comment about college, no not everyone is an idiot. But I can't tell you how many friends I had that went to college, and fell into all that. It was really sad and heartbreaking to see those intelligent people throw their potential away like that. That's not what I'm interested in, college is a means to and end for me, not an experience.

jelique7

Its a little embarrassing you represent OUR age group like this. Many people on here have posted great advice on here but I can see you don't have an open mind and heart to all of this wonderful advice. I think its a little comical that I am posting this seeing how I am your same age but I can see the problems with your idea. No one is giving you advice on how to tell you parents because we all think you should not be getting married right now!

Trust me, as a fellow military bride it is not about what you and your FI want right now (getting married asap) it is about the Air Force in your situation. You have no idea what the military life is all about and you need to experience and support him in that before you get married.

As an example, I drove up to my FIs house this past weekend (3.5hrs away) just to find out that he WONT have Friday off, he was called in to work on Saturday and on Sunday they shipped him across the country so I literally spend Friday and Saturday with his roommates instead of him. Our plans were ruined and i spent in total less than 24hrs with him. You never know when the military will call.

Sorry to hear about your parents. Take it from me, now is not the right time in our lives to get married. I am in college (I don't get crazy drunk or sleep around) I have a job and am looking for a second job, I pay my own bills and let me tell you that car insurance is no joke! I pay 1400 bucks every 6months, your man will not have that kind of money. Please listen to all of these ladies on here.

If you want to talk to someone who knows where you are coming from you can PM me. Best of Luck.

PandaBurr

Again,

**Mutley**

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-parents-im-getting-married-2-months-after-high-school-graduationhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:59bf99ac-5a6f-4b00-893c-58098fe784a5Post:5f9e35a1-f240-4a89-9116-b593d9f7915d">Re: How to tell my parents I'm getting married 2 months after high school graduation....HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]No I'm not going to come back in 5 yrs and prove you wrong, you will be, but it isn't that important to me. I was looking for advice, not support. Yes, support from someone who understands would be nice. But we don't need anyone else's support, I'd love to have more people to talk to, but it isn't required. I have a few friends that believe in us, and they're awesome for being there, and praying for us.
Posted by KayleighJ312[/QUOTE]

EVERY single military wife that I know that got married when she was 18 and her husband was right out of bootcamp/training wishes that they had waited to get married.  These are women who are STILL married.  These are women who DO have great relationships now.  These are women with career military husbands.  These are the women whose husbands are going to tell your guy to wait until he has some time in the military under his belt before getting married.  But I guess that they have no idea what they are talking about.  <a href="#" title="Click to view a larger photo" onclick="return gSiteLife.LoadForumPage('ForumImage', 'plckPhotoId', '684daffe-32fd-481d-b817-f50702a14a51', 'plckRedirectUrl', gSiteLife.EscapeValue(window.location.href));"> <img src="http://cdn.cl9.vanillaforums.com/downloaded/ver1.0/content/images/store/8/8/684daffe-32fd-481d-b817-f50702a14a51.medium.gif" alt="" /></a>

No one is saying that your relationship is not going to last.  No one is saying DO NOT EVER GET MARRIED.  They are just saying to wait. 

You still never answered what you lose by waiting to get married, and you cannot answer that because you don't like the answer.

And as far as the advice on HOW to tell them...  I believe that many people said that if you do not know how to tell your parents, then you are not ready to get married.  You may not like that advice, but it IS advice.

bethsmiles

You use your words to tell your parents. Its very simple, not complicated at all. There your question has been answered.

Everyone here gave you great advice, maybe you should take some time to consider the opinions of those who have been there before.

hetshup

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_tell-parents-im-getting-married-2-months-after-high-school-graduationhelp?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:59bf99ac-5a6f-4b00-893c-58098fe784a5Post:aa37a8d0-36f5-4f24-a4ff-6944dcee3ca8">Re: How to tell my parents I'm getting married 2 months after high school graduation....HELP!</a>:
[QUOTE]We are going to tell them, we just want to together, which is the only reason we've waited this long. I've already had to talk to my parents about our sex life alone, and we've decided that we wanna do this together. We wanted to tell them after I'd already have a ring, but that would be too long. I am going to college, he will be in Tyndall. So I will either go to FSU or go to a community college and transfer in later. I'm not putting my education on hold I will be an RNA just as soon.   But my question is what is going to change in 4 years? What would make us more ready then? Maturity, I don't think so, it doesn't work quite like that for me. What am I going to miss, the typical college experience? Drinking and dealing with my roomates sleeping around? O darn! He is in the AirForce and works on F-22s. The chances of him getting deployed are slim, and if he is it wont be for a couple years. Even then his longest deployment would be for 4months. I am very aware that marriage isn't always easy, our relationship hasn't always been easy either. I have thought this through, a lot. We've planned out pretty much every aspect of it, our finances are sufficient, even without me working. We're also aware that since we are getting married young, everyone is going to have their own opinion. I'm gonna get asked if I'm pregnant, and told I'm an idiot. Anyone that doubts us will be surprised, when we're together forever.
Posted by KayleighJ312[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>
</div><div>Correction, he will likely be PCS'd to Germany and then deployed out of Turkey. Those on avg are 6 month deployments, though they have been bringing people home every 6 weeks so they don't get separation pay. </div><div>
</div><div>You know all the changes that you mentally have from age 13-17, you will continue to go through those. Really about age 23 you start to have a better idea of what you want long term. I am begging you, don't do it, it is not a band aide and I talk to divorced 20 year olds all the time. Think about it some more. They aren't upset b\c they don't like him, they might be upset b\c it's a bad idea. 

</div>

loves2shop4shoes

Sigh.  

1) You need to grow up.  

2) Everyone I know is a COMPLETELY different person than they were in high school and if they're not, they're not exactly what you would call winners. 

3) Do not spawn until your marriage has held up for damn near a decade.  Statistics are seriously against your relationship lasting and you don't want to chance ruining your future spawn's life with a messy divorce.  (I'm speaking as the spawn of a couple who should've seriously waited to get married and had a subsequent hideous divorce which destroyed my childhood.)

catemeg

Military marriages have less than a 50% chance of surviving 15 years in general.

Military marriages for those under 21 have less than a 25% chance of surviving 15 years.  Considering a vast majority of the military is under 21 years old, that means they're pulling down the average.  So logically, if you wait until you're 22 years old, you have better than a 50% chance of staying married more than 15 years.

That is the statistics that were given by a military psychologist to last summer's USMC Officer Candidate School class (which my boyfriend was in).

I would bet most of that 75% of young military couples that don't work out thought they were the exception, too.

Wait, please wait.  None of us are saying you don't love your boyfriend, that you aren't meant to be together.  What we're saying is that you both have a lot of growing up to do, and it would be wonderful if you grew together, but what harm is there in letting your relationship grow at a natural speed.

Don't be the cliche to get married so young because he's in the military.  There's dozens of 17-year old brides walking around any military base, half of them pregnant because they get a few more bucks from having a dependent. That's the butt of a lot of jokes among older spouses, and you really don't want to be that joke.

KayleighJ312

What am I going to lose by waiting? Nothing, but I'm also not going to gain anything. We hate being apart, we're both heartbroken by it. So why not? I haven't heard a legit reason yet, you don't know me, so telling me I"m not mature enough is funny. I'm not your typical 17yr old, not that I have to prove that to you.

Why the hell should I wait til we've been together for a decade? Btw, I'm not ready to start a family with kids. We wanna be able to travel and see the world together first, we're planning on getting a dog, that's as far as the family is going for right now.

I am going to be the same me, no matter how old I am. My basic beliefs, and views are set. My personality isn't going to change, a child's personality is basically set by the time they are 5.

And for the smartass that said "you tell them with words" thanks, I needed to be reminded that there are still people with a sense of humor out there.

PaigeMcC

I'm so tired of banging my head against the wall and telling people about life changes and all that.  We know it's true.  Some peple just don't seem to get it - or agree so I'm not doing it.  It's a waste of my time.

So OP here it is, the advice you were looking for...age aside:

You and Daniel need to sit them down and explain to them how you both feel. See what they have to say and discuss it from there.  They may be open to the idea, they may not, but the best you can do is approach it like a rational adult.

hetshup

Fine, OP. 

Tell them that you want to get married because you want to move to FL with him. Tell them that you will be on his Tri-care, so they don't need to worry about insurance. Tell them you will get dependent pay, and you can use his GI bill to get through college. 

And when they say you are to young, tell them you are unlike any other 17 year old. Your marriage may or may not fail. Hell, my marriage has a 50% chance of ending in divorce, but if statistics are so poor for young marriage, why WOULDN'T you do whatever is in your power to increase those odds. FI is a pilot, and we are taking as many steps as possible to increase your chances. 

Before you get married, have a discussion about his career plan. Is he doing a full 20, or just the 4 year enlistment. Is he going to college? You need to find this out. 

noelle24

Honey, 17 year olds like you are a dime a dozen.  You are NOT unique, and you are NOT special because of what you have gone through.  Your responses on here just serve to further convince me that you are not ready for marriage. 

GL... you'll need it.

KayleighJ312

He may or may not do the full twenty, he is going to continue going to college. He's got a full year out of the way already. Since I feel like nobody is taking me seriously, I'm pretty much done with this whole conversation. We'll figure it out, and make it work. I wish y'all the best in your marriages/relationships.

KayleighJ312

Wow, Noelle. You sound like an awesome person, I am unique. There will never be another Kayleigh out there like me. I don't need your support, and I sure as hell dont need you to agree with me.

noelle24

Sorry, I meant your situation is not unique.  It doesn't matter how much of a special snowflake you think you are, that doesn't make your relationship situation any different than the hundreds of other 17 year old military brides walking around out there.

By getting so defensive, you are only proving my point (and everyone else's) that you are immature.  If you can't handle our concerns without getting so huffy, how on Earth are you going to handle your parents?

**Mutley**