Bridesmaid Help

SKP82

I was going to think about this awhile longer, but then found this article and thought I would ask the fabulous ladies of NEY their opinions.

http://howto.getmarried.com/how-to-tell-your-friend-she-isn’t-a-bridesmaid/

I am feeling so guilty about potentially not asking one of my friends to be in the wedding party.  I was going to ask 3 friends from out of state who I've known for a long time, but one of them said she might not come to the wedding at all because of her baby.  So, that leaves the other 2 older friends.  

I have 3 girls who live here who I'm "close" to.  I'm pretty sure one of them would be understanding and not care AT ALL about not being in the wedding party.  The other 2 have already been hinting to me about wanting to be bridesmaids.  I could ask both of them, but I'd honestly be asking one of them for the sake of her not feeling left out.  And I think it would be odd to ask 2 and not the 3rd.  And we don't want more than 4 people on each side.

So, what do I do?  Ask the 1 friend here who I want to ask and the other two older friends?  Would you be upset if you were my friend and I didn't ask you to be in my wedding party?

Also, what do you think about the article?  If I don't ask her to be in the wedding party, should I break it to her personally and try to incorporate her into the wedding somehow?

BTW - FI says she shouldn't be upset at all about it and I should choose who I want to be in the wedding without thinking about how my friends might feel.

HALP!

cu97tiger

I have to say, I don't agree with the article. She seems sort of delusional if she thought she was SUCH good friends with this woman, yet wasn't a BM, a reader, or even asked to wear yellow. To me, that isn't the brides fault, it's this woman's for misunderstanding their friendship.

I do think that there are friends that you know kind of 'expect' to be a bridesmaid. Those people you should sit down with, AFTER you've asked the rest of your bridesmaids, and ask them to be part of your wedding in some other way. If the subject of BMs comes up, mention that you're having some long-time friends and J, your mutual friend, but I think flat-out saying 'you aren't a bridesmaid and here are the reasons' is cruel and unusual punishment.

Look, I know it can be awkward. I had two good friends from my time in FL. One I asked to be a bridesmaid, the other I didn't. She has flaked on me several times in different ways, and while we are friends and have lots of good times, I didn't feel comfortable having her be a BM. I did want her to have a part in the wedding, though, so I asked her to be a reader and she seemed thrilled to accept.

Real friends will be thrilled to be a part of your wedding, no matter what part. It isn't a popularity contest, right?

polkadot111

Pick whoever you're closest to. I however, think you should not make a big deal about not picking her. Don't even mention it. She'll notice she wasn't picked, but saying, "Hey! You weren't good enough to be in my wedding party, so here. Do the guest book instead." I think that is even more hurtful.

jaycee7389

My best advice is to go with your gut and only ask the girls who you originally intended on asking. My friend has the most awkward bridal party ever because I think she was afraid of hurting people's feelings. One girl she really didn't even talk to anymore, and still doesn't. The other was her FI's best friend's GF...they are broken up now. (obviously different than your situation..but still)

ravenray

I agree with Tiger; friendships change.  I only have one really close GF and she is my MOH.  My mom really wanted me to pick one of my long time friends to be in the wedding but I no longer feel like we are close and I don't really like who she is anymore.  The only friend I am feeling trepidations about is not asking is the girl whose wedding I was in.  After her wedding we drifted a part.  She never contacts me but I almost feel obligated to ask her.  I really don't like it.  I know the girl my mom wants me to invite is hurt but I can't help how friendships change.  I think you should ask whoever you want, if the second girl gets upset she can come talk to you.  But most likely she won't because well hopefully she is mature enough to realize that is just how things are.  *hugs*  GL I think picking the bridal party is so stressful!

jerzmom114

I agree with PP's that having a sit down with the "non" bridesmaid is a bad idea. Also, I disagree with "finding other jobs" for this girl. I was not asked to be in a good friends wedding a few years ago. But then, she asked me to hand out programs and bubbles at the ceremony, make sure the flowers were set up properly..usher people to seats...and basically do all the crap jobs no one wants to be bothered with. Totally ridiculous considering the BM's were just standing around. (not to mention I set up the night before with her when her BM's bailed). I would have much rather she didn't include me at, then to consider me cheap labor.

tuarceatha

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5cb04110-6e30-4742-b2d8-51f647ecdde7Post:f3338e96-7ff3-4e15-96fa-440cec2d6208">Re: Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with Tiger; friendships change.   I only have one really close GF and she is my MOH.   My mom really wanted me to pick one of my long time friends to be in the wedding but I no longer feel like we are close and I don't really like who she is anymore.   The only friend I am feeling trepidations about is not asking is the girl whose wedding I was in.   After her wedding we drifted a part.   She never contacts me but I almost feel obligated to ask her.   I really don't like it.   I know the girl my mom wants me to invite is hurt but I can't help how friendships change.   I think you should ask whoever you want, if the second girl gets upset she can come talk to you.   But most likely she won't because well hopefully she is mature enough to realize that is just how things are.   *hugs*   <strong>GL I think picking the bridal party is so stressful!</strong>
Posted by ravenray[/QUOTE]

I concur.

I also have read that we should ask other special people to do readings and have other jobs during the wedding, and I worried that would be insulting. ESPECIALLY to some one who thought of themselves as a bridal party person.

tuarceatha

p.s. I feel like a total push over because I have already reached out and asked my lady friends to be bridesmaids and I have 8 months! Well I want to ask another person, but I'm worried she will feel obligated while planning her own wedding.

SKP82

Thanks for all the opinions so far.  I only have about 6 months left and should really ask them soon!

elannis

I didn't really pay attention to the rules of etiquette and have already asked my ladies, but it was pretty easy to decide who we wanted and these people aren't going anywhere, and I believe that if they are going anywhere, it can happen in a year or it can happen in 2 months, so I didn't wait, lol, but that's just me.

I did actually have dinner with some of my best friends from college. I hadn't seen them in over a year. One of them is pretty much the type to speak what she wants to. So she just came out and (jokingly) asked what color her bridesmaid dress was going to be. I was kind of speechless because I knew she was joking, but at the same time, I could offend her if I answered wrong. Luckily, she just kept joking about how it doesn't matter because she's just going to find out my colors, get a seat in the front and walk up there, lol. I'm only about 80% sure she's joking on this, but it's just the kind of thing she'd say. It was kind of an awkward conversation, but I just kind of joked back with her about it.

I have no idea what I'd do if someone actually asked me if they were going to be a bridesmaid. I've had people tell me they expect an invitation, but I would think it would be kind of rude to just plainly ask to be a bridesmaid. I agree that you should pick who you want and they should try to be understanding. I don't think you need to sit down and explain to people that they aren't in the wedding though.  She said that you shouldn't make it YOUR day exclusively and I agree. I think it's about you and your FI, but she is neither of those people. So do what makes the two of you happy! : ) Good luck!

I also agree with Tiger that the lady that wrote that seems a bit delusional.

mookow86

I agree with going with your gut instinct. Don't make your decisions based on the fact that you don't want to hurt feelings. For me, this meant choosing my longest standing friends rather than people I met in college.

I don't necessarily agree with the article- I don't think you should specifically sit down with people you don't pick and tell them why. I had my college roommates ask me why they aren't in my bridal party and I simply told them that I wanted to keep the bridal party small and with the people I've known the longest. Honestly, they should be happy they don't have to buy an ugly dress

mookow86

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5cb04110-6e30-4742-b2d8-51f647ecdde7Post:08baf180-5e0d-4c10-8c17-0c877989c8b1">Re: Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I didn't really pay attention to the rules of etiquette and have already asked my ladies, but it was pretty easy to decide who we wanted and these people aren't going anywhere, and I believe that if they are going anywhere, it can happen in a year or it can happen in 2 months, so I didn't wait, lol, but that's just me. I did actually have dinner with some of my best friends from college. I hadn't seen them in over a year. One of them is pretty much the type to speak what she wants to.<strong> So she just came out and (jokingly) asked what color her bridesmaid dress was going to be</strong>. I was kind of speechless because I knew she was joking, but at the same time, I could offend her if I answered wrong. Luckily, she just kept joking about how it doesn't matter because she's just going to find out my colors, get a seat in the front and walk up there, lol. I'm only about 80% sure she's joking on this, but it's just the kind of thing she'd say. It was kind of an awkward conversation, but I just kind of joked back with her about it. I have no idea what I'd do if someone actually asked me if they were going to be a bridesmaid. I've had people tell me they expect an invitation, but I would think it would be kind of rude to just plainly ask to be a bridesmaid. I agree that you should pick who you want and they should try to be understanding. I don't think you need to sit down and explain to people that they aren't in the wedding though.  She said that you shouldn't make it YOUR day exclusively and I agree. I think it's about you and your FI, but she is neither of those people. So do what makes the two of you happy! : ) Good luck! I also agree with Tiger that the lady that wrote that seems a bit delusional.
Posted by elannis[/QUOTE]

This same exact thing happened to me! Ack! So awkward.

elannis

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5cb04110-6e30-4742-b2d8-51f647ecdde7Post:e8fadce1-413a-4c67-9f34-19f1756dcac2">Re: Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Help : This same exact thing happened to me! Ack! So awkward.
Posted by mookow86[/QUOTE]

Lol, yeah, my friend is the kind that likes to keep you on your toes, so she knew it'd make me uncomfortable, but still funny at the same time. For about 1.2 seconds I actually almost felt guilty enough to invite her to be a part of it, but then remembered that we already have 5 (way more than I originally wanted) and she's not really rooted here so she may be living in another state next year or even next month, lol. She gave it up pretty quickly though.

thejucheidea

I'm really glad I only have three friends. This all seems insane and awful .

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5cb04110-6e30-4742-b2d8-51f647ecdde7Post:c9f120d8-9fd7-4b2e-878d-839989637ccb">Re: Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]I agree with PP's that having a sit down with the "non" bridesmaid is a bad idea. Also, I disagree with "finding other jobs" for this girl. I was not asked to be in a good friends wedding a few years ago. But then, she asked me to hand out programs and bubbles at the ceremony, make sure the flowers were set up properly..usher people to seats...and basically do all the crap jobs no one wants to be bothered with. Totally ridiculous considering the BM's were just standing around. (not to mention I set up the night before with her when her BM's bailed). I would have much rather she didn't include me at, then to consider me cheap labor.
Posted by jerzmom114[/QUOTE]

<div>I should mention that I don't think you should ask people to do things like hand out programs, set up, etc as an alternative to being a BM. Our programs will be on the seats, a friend offered to set up, I didn't ask. I asked my friend to be a reader. Depending on your ceremony, you may have other things that you'd like a good friend to do.</div>

cu97tiger

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5cb04110-6e30-4742-b2d8-51f647ecdde7Post:f5e519f5-a11c-42ae-b380-8664d4379d97">Re: Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Bridesmaid Help : I keep telling FI that he can't ask all the guys he wants to be in the WP because I don't have enough friends.   It's sort of true though.  I'm not that close with anyone anymore.  Not that I care, my former BFF is BSC and I'm too busy to hang out with my other friends.
Posted by yaga13[/QUOTE]

I have three on my side, FI has four groomsmen and four ushers! No need to restrict how many people he has :)

oceana919

Close your eyes and picture yourself five years after your wedding. Imagine looking at a picture of you, your DH, and your wedding party. Who would you regret not standing there if they weren't? That's who should be in your wedding party.

Your wedding party should be the most important people in your life, whether they are family, LD friends, or friends that live the next block over. Encorporating one friend into your wedding and not the other two is okay, especially if you feel closer to one moreso than the others.

If your friends bring it up, simply saying, "I really love that you want to stand up for us that day, but we both decided to keep our wedding party small." If they can't accept that and respect your wishes, then honestly, I think it's a reflection on their own maturity.

SKP82

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_bridesmaid?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5cb04110-6e30-4742-b2d8-51f647ecdde7Post:e80871b7-3098-43e4-b69e-4eb43827e897">Re: Bridesmaid Help</a>:
[QUOTE]<strong>Close your eyes and picture yourself five years after your wedding. Imagine looking at a picture of you, your DH, and your wedding party. Who would you regret not standing there if they weren't? That's who should be in your wedding party. </strong>Your wedding party should be the most important people in your life, whether they are family, LD friends, or friends that live the next block over. Encorporating one friend into your wedding and not the other two is okay, especially if you feel closer to one moreso than the others. If your friends bring it up, simply saying, "I really love that you want to stand up for us that day, but we both decided to keep our wedding party small." If they can't accept that and respect your wishes, then honestly, I think it's a reflection on their own maturity.
Posted by oceana919[/QUOTE]

Thank you Oceana!  This is great advice.

Thanks to all the other ladies who offered wonderful advice as well.  I appreciate all of you!