Planners are getting to me...

jdrose5

UGH I am TRYING to keep sane and could use your wisdom again.

My roomate/bestfriend is planning her wedding.  She is 6 months out today.   She was a preplanner.  They had the venue resereved, the dress, the date etc before they considered themselves engaged.  I would refer to him as her FI and get corrected by both of them.  So she clearly is ok with preplanning.  

So today we were talking and I mentioned another mixed signal BF sent.  (Saying that maybe we wouldn't wait as long as he mentioned to get engaged.)  BIG mistake.  She starts insisting on being my maid of honor, who will my other bridesmaids be etc...

So the other one that is getting to me is actually my boyfriend.  He and his ex had everything planned out.  The venue, the date, the decor, the dress, the rings  the officiant etc.  They had not paid anything yet except for her pattern for the dress she wanted.  

Well now I get the impression he wants to preplan our potential wedding even though he has not proposed so to me the idea of us getting married is up in the air. 

I have tried to tell him this but I feel like it is falling on deaf ears.   So my issues are this.  1.  How do you keep sane when surrounded by people that want to plan NOW?   2. How do I get it across to him that until he actually asks me to marry him I won't plan anything.

bethsmiles

My friends and family are always asking when is the wedding? Why aren't you engaged? Why hasn't he proposed? Blah blah blah...I usually just try to tune them out. If I were you I would refuse to talk about anything related to your potential wedding with anyone, including your BF. If he brings it up just say "hun, I've told you I'm not comfortable planning before we are engaged" and then change the topic.

marleylikeair

Oof. Sorry to hear that the people in your life are driving you nuts on this!

It's considered rude to invite yourself into someone else's WP, let alone the MOH spot. (Maybe you guys are close enough that it'd be almost a given, but still, not polite of her, and if you feel funny about it, you're in the right!) If she pressures you any more, I'd try just breezily telling her you're soooo not even thinking about those things yet, there's so much time ahead of you to plan it all out!

As for your BF, you guys just have to communicate on this. Find a quiet moment and say something like "honey, I'm really excited about getting engaged and thinking about our wedding, but I'm just not totally comfortable planning anything until we're engaged." And say it in the most non-accusatory, calm, we're-on-the-same-team way you can. If he doesn't take that well, I'd say you two need to work on your communication before getting engaged. (Not that I think that's what's going to happen; just saying.)

Good luck. Stick around here--we'll distract you!

desertsun

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planners-getting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5d8fb338-ce02-4d74-b2e8-e44bf9a58034Post:283f74a3-5318-4942-8715-d12c0e9a939b">Planners are getting to me...</a>:
[QUOTE]UGH I am TRYING to keep sane and could use your wisdom again. My roomate/bestfriend is planning her wedding.  She is 6 months out today.   She was a preplanner.  They had the venue resereved, the dress, the date etc before they considered themselves engaged.  I would refer to him as her FI and get corrected by both of them.  So she clearly is ok with preplanning.   So today we were talking and I mentioned another mixed signal BF sent.  (Saying that maybe we wouldn't wait as long as he mentioned to get engaged.)  BIG mistake.  She starts insisting on being my maid of honor, who will my other bridesmaids be etc... So the other one that is getting to me is actually my boyfriend.  He and his ex had everything planned out.  The venue, the date, the decor, the dress, the rings  the officiant etc.  They had not paid anything yet except for her pattern for the dress she wanted.   Well now I get the impression he wants to preplan our potential wedding even though he has not proposed so to me the idea of us getting married is up in the air.  I have tried to tell him this but I feel like it is falling on deaf ears.   So my issues are this.  1.  How do you keep sane when surrounded by people that want to plan NOW?   <strong>2. How do I get it across to him that until he actually asks me to marry him I won't plan anything.</strong>
Posted by jdrose5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>Tell him exactly that. "Honey, I will not plan anything for our someday wedding until we are actually engaged."</div><div>
</div><div>And tell your friend the same thing.</div><div>
</div><div>"Friend, please stop asking me about wedding plans. I am not at that point yet. I will not be at that point until I'm engaged. That is what I am comfortable with. I would appreciate if you could respect that and please stop bringing it up."</div><div>
</div><div>Really. It doesn't have to be hard or complicated. It also doesn't have to be a confrontation, just a calm statement of your preferences. It is healthy and mature to tell people what you want</div><div>
</div><div>

</div>

jdrose5

Thing is I have said those things.  

I guess maybe I just need to keep saying them. 

When Boyfriend talks he just asks me what I think of this or that would I like that.   I just say "well that sounds nice but we will have to see what we like when we are actually planning a wedding."  

Best friend I was only willing to address the issue of her being maid of honor.   I said nope she can't be the maid of honor seeing how she will be married before I get married.  

[Deleted User]

Tell your friend that a. she's stupid for pre-planning her own wedding and you are not nearly as stupid and b. anyone who insists on being in your WP will not be considered...   (Is that too harsh?? cuz that's what I would say... )

As for BF... like Desert said... tell him "I'm not interested in planning for a wedding when we are not engaged."

If all that doesnt work you can just throw rocks at both of them lol

calindi

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planners-getting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5d8fb338-ce02-4d74-b2e8-e44bf9a58034Post:3186e613-e245-4698-ae3c-4aab724334f1">Re: Planners are getting to me...</a>:
[QUOTE]Tell your friend that a. she's retarded for pre-planning her own wedding and you are not nearly as retarded and b. anyone who insists on being in your WP will not be considered...   (Is that too harsh?? cuz that's what I would say... ) As for BF... like Desert said... tell him "I'm not interested in planning for a wedding when we are not engaged." If all that doesnt work you can just throw rocks at both of them lol ;)
Posted by LyzMcFlyz[/QUOTE]

Lyz, I'd appreciate it if you didn't say the word "retarded".  I know it's common, but it really bothers me.  Thanks!!!

marleylikeair

<div style="font-family:Verdana, Arial, Helvetica, sans-serif;font-size:10px;background-color:initial;background-image:none;background-attachment:initial;background-origin:initial;background-clip:initial;color:#1f1f1f;font:normal normal normal 11px/14px Arial, sans-serif;text-align:left;line-height:normal;">In Response to <a style="text-decoration:none;font-weight:normal;color:#1f1f1f;" href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planners-getting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5d8fb338-ce02-4d74-b2e8-e44bf9a58034Post:dc242cf2-373c-4598-a33c-480f0cf38d9c">Re: Planners are getting to me...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thing is I have said those things.   I guess maybe I just need to keep saying them.  When Boyfriend talks he just asks me what I think of this or that would I like that.   I just say "well that sounds nice but we will have to see what we like when we are actually planning a wedding."   Best friend I was only willing to address the issue of her being maid of honor.   <strong>I said nope she can't be the maid of honor seeing how she will be married before I get married. </strong> 
Posted by jdrose5[/QUOTE]<div>
</div><div>If you do want her in your WP or as MOH, you may want to keep in mind she can be "Matron of Honor." The old rule that everyone in your WP has to be single isn't really followed anymore. IMO, you should choose the people you're closest to when the time comes, regardless of their relationship status or anything else, really.
</div></div>

PaigeMcC

Sounds like your friend and BF need some NEY education.  Send 'em in.

[Deleted User]

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planners-getting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5d8fb338-ce02-4d74-b2e8-e44bf9a58034Post:88fecf43-5d12-4c4a-a036-02cdbc443673">Re: Planners are getting to me...</a>:
[QUOTE]In Response to Re: Planners are getting to me... : Lyz, I'd appreciate it if you didn't say the word "retarded".  I know it's common, but it really bothers me.  Thanks!!!
Posted by calindi[/QUOTE]

Sorry. Edited

bourgehm

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planners-getting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special%20Topic%20Wedding%20BoardsForum:136Discussion:5d8fb338-ce02-4d74-b2e8-e44bf9a58034Post:19d79c94-35b1-417a-94e8-07078f5b7791">Re: Planners are getting to me...</a>:
[QUOTE]Sounds like your friend and BF need some NEY education.  Send 'em in.
Posted by PaigeMcC[/QUOTE]

Yeah, we'd like to have them...

**evil laugh**

heyimbren

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_planners-getting?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5d8fb338-ce02-4d74-b2e8-e44bf9a58034Post:dc242cf2-373c-4598-a33c-480f0cf38d9c">Re: Planners are getting to me...</a>:
[QUOTE]Thing is I have said those things.   I guess maybe I just need to keep saying them.  When Boyfriend talks he just asks me what I think of this or that would I like that.   I just say "well that sounds nice but we will have to see what we like when we are actually planning a wedding."   Best friend I was only willing to address the issue of her being maid of honor.   I said nope she can't be the maid of honor seeing how she will be married before I get married.  
Posted by jdrose5[/QUOTE]

Be firm. "BF/Friend, I am not planning anything at all until I am engaged." Then change the subject.

heyitscarla

WHOAH

dont tell anyone
on here
youre planning an
engagement

because holy darn theyre gonna flip you
over