Long, rambly, probably not worth reading.

Elle1036

Some of you may remember my posting about my ex-best friend and would-be-MOH last fall.  If you don't remember, the CN is that I found out she had been lying about her friendship with my ex-boyfriend, and it really threw me for a loop.

Everything sort of exploded back in November, but then we never reached any kind of resolution.  I made up my mind then that I would leave the ball in her court and told her to let me know when she wanted to talk about it.  I just wanted to feel like she valued my friendship the way I valued hers.  I didn't need an apology -- I just wanted some sort of indication that she wanted our friendship to continue.  I guess my reasoning was that, if she was so desperate to avoid further confrontation that she would cease all contact with me, I would have my answer.  (Does that make sense?  I'm kind of typing in stream-of-conscious style right now.)

Anyway, I have heard nothing from her since then.  Not a phone call, text, facebook message, etc.  Nothing.  I still feel like I made the right decision last fall.  Her silence sends a pretty loud message.

...but now that my wedding is so close (she didn't get an invitation), I'm starting to feel a desire for more closure on the situation.  I miss her.  A lot.  I guess somewhere I'm still hoping that I'll hear from her someday and we can work this out, but I'm pretty sure that if she lets the wedding come and go and doesn't out, she never will.

I'm not sure what I'm looking for by typing this up.  Advice, I guess.  What would you do at this point? 

bethsmiles

I think that if you feel like you need closure with the situation then you should reach out to her (maybe invite her to coffee). But even if you do she may not respond or it may not go the way you would like it to.

motoLyn

If you need closure Elle, I would suggest that you write a letter stating that you would have loved to hear from her about the issue but her silence has spoken for her and that you regret that it had to come to this and that you and her have went on your separate paths.  I understand the need for everything to be out in the open.  How would you feel after wedding about this, could you forget it or would it nag at you that you never heard from her or got to share what you felt?  *hugs* I'm sorry that you have to deal with a month before your wedding.  And why didn't you send her an invite?

ETA: She may have taken your lack of an invite that you don't want her there.

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-rambly-probably-not-worth-reading?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5ef161f5-ea2f-47cb-9ccd-5fa7bc04375cPost:94293038-0376-488b-ba0b-9427caf323de">Re: Long, rambly, probably not worth reading.</a>:
[QUOTE]If you need closure Elle, I would suggest that you write a letter stating that you would have loved to hear from her about the issue but her silence has spoken for her and that you regret that it had to come to this and that you and her have went on your separate paths.  I understand the need for everything to be out in the open.  How would you feel after wedding about this, could you forget it or would it nag at you that you never heard from her or got to share what you felt?  *hugs* I'm sorry that you have to deal with a month before your wedding.  <strong>And why didn't you send her an invite? ETA: She may have taken your lack of an invite that you don't want her there.
</strong>Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]

Because the way I see it, we aren't currently friends.  I'm sure she did take the lack of invitation to mean that I don't want her there, and I truly don't want her there if she's willing to let the friendship die out this way.

motoLyn

Alright if this has been an open issue since November and she hasn't made any effort to rekindle your friendship and salvage it then its time for you to decide whether you want to say something to her and clear your mind or let it go and leave it behind you.  In my case I'm the type of person to let it go and forget.  I don't feel the need to express to that person.  Its up to you.  If you miss her and value her, try one last time to salvage it.  A =t least then you can say that you made the effort.  Even if you feel its always you that puts forth the effort just try. 

Elle1036

In Response to <a href="http://forums.theknot.com/Sites/theknot/Pages/Main.aspx/special-topic-wedding-boards_not-engaged-yet_long-rambly-probably-not-worth-reading?plckFindPostKey=Cat:Special Topic Wedding BoardsForum:136Discussion:5ef161f5-ea2f-47cb-9ccd-5fa7bc04375cPost:90feffde-bd4f-4b4e-be16-5290b89b404a">Re: Long, rambly, probably not worth reading.</a>:
[QUOTE]Alright if this has been an open issue since November and she hasn't made any effort to rekindle your friendship and salvage it then its time for you to decide whether you want to say something to her and clear your mind or let it go and leave it behind you. <strong> In my case I'm the type of person to let it go and forget.  </strong>I don't feel the need to express to that person.  Its up to you.  If you miss her and value her, try one last time to salvage it.  A =t least then you can say that you made the effort.  Even if you feel its always you that puts forth the effort just try. 
Posted by motoLyn[/QUOTE]

That's what I thought I was going to do.  That's been my plan of action all along...  It's just that now I'm starting to feel like I want her to tell me concretely that we're done so I don't wonder about it for the rest of my life.  Ha.  I'm lame.

lennonkdc

1) No matter how sh!tty a friendship was, or how toxic, its normal to miss that person. I know, I miss ex BFF all the time. I often want to reach out to her or whatever. But what would that accomplish? We'd still be in on different paths, trying to make a relationship that we've both grown out of work. 

2) It is my personal belief that closure is used as code word for absolution. You don't want closure, you know the friendship is over. You want to hear her say she's sorry, you want to feel like you weren't a bad friend for kicking her out of the wedding and not inviting her at all. You want to be absolved of any fault you might have. Imagine that the tables were turned and she didn't talk to you for 7 months, didn't send you a wedding invite and then calls out of the blue wanting 'closure'? 

I'm sorry that you lost your friend, but I don't see how (or even that you want) this relationship to be saved. I'd just let it go and focus on the people you have in your life now.

Elle1036

Thanks for the perspective, Lennon.  I don't think you're completely right, but you're right about part of it.

I don't want her to apologize.  I didn't even want that back in November.  I was (and still am, even though I'm giving up hope) ready to forgive her instantly if she reaches out.  But I know she won't.

I guess what I want from her is for her to tell me that she'll never reach out and I can stop waiting.  And obviously, it would be a contradiction in terms for that to happen, so yay me.

cu97tiger

Unfortunately, you can't make someone give you closure. So even if you reached out to her, there is no guarantee that she will ever respond. I spent a long time waiting for 'closure' from an ex. Basically, you have to find it within yourself. It's hard, and it sucks, but it sounds like that is the point where you are. If you want to, write her one final letter, tell her you valued her friendship while you had it, and that you'll always think of her fondly. Then go and enjoy the mother-effing hell out of your wedding, and don't think about her for a second.

BrittneyRN

I'm the kind of person who would reach out one more time. It's true that she may not contact you back, or things may not go the way you'd hoped, but at least you would KNOW. I hate the 'what if".

lennonkdc

Elle, I didn't mean to be harsh, so I'm sorry if it came off that way. I'm just a crank b!tch today. What I was going for in the end was closer to what Tiger said. Clousure is something you give yourself, and it only comes from letting go. 

Again, sorry to be abrasive. 

Starlight Kel

I don't know the details of what happened, but it sounds like her friendship still means something to you.  If that is true, why don't you try reaching out to her?  Maybe your friend just doesn't know what to say for herself. 

RWS2011

Elle, our circumstances may be a bit different, but I wanted to share a brief story that relates to what you are going through:

I met this gal in college.  We both had kids whose ages were close together.  We became very close very fast and were friends for years.  Out of the blue she stopped talking to me.  I must have tried to call or reach out in some way three or four times over the course of a year.  No response.  One day, she sent me a Facebook friend request and a message.  We met and she apologized, said she was not in the best place at that time, etc.  We resumed our friendship for years again.  Now, it has been about a year and a half since she randomly stopped talking to me again.  It ate at me the first time because I had wondered if I had done something wrong.  Now I know that whatever is going on in her life, she can't maintain the kind of friendship I want.  So, I am no longer wondering or waiting.  I am through.

How I feel this related to your situation is that you must have some expectations for what you want in a friendship.  If she has not/is not meeting those expectations and you have previously made efforts to reconcile, it sounds like someone you need to just let go.  I am going to go right ahead and assume you have many other great friends/a good support system.  Do you really need a relationship like this one as you move forward with your life?

GoldenPenguin

Elle, I am in the exact same position right now with my cousin. If you remember, I posted on the board about our falling out, back in October, I think. I never heard from her when Aaron & I broke up, when my best friend's husband passed away, when my mom had heart surgery, nothing. And I know she knew everything, because she still talks to my co-worker on a regular basis.

She got engaged recently, and I made the step to text & congratulate her. She wrote back "Thank you!" and then I wrote something to the effect of "I think about you often. I hope everything is great for you - which it obviously is!"

And I got no response. That solidified for me that the relationship is over. I don't need her to tell me.

So I guess, it's a matter of - do you want to put the effort in one last time, and see what happens? You'll get your answer one way or the other, I'm sure of it.

Elle1036

Bri and RWS - thanks for sharing your stories.  It helps to read about simliar situations I'm not invested in.